Scared of Losing You
"It was a mistake, and I know I can never fix it," Donna admitted. She and Rachel were sitting in Donna's office having a drink after what had turned out to be one of the longest days of her life. "I don't actually know what possessed me to do it. I think having Mike tell me that he believed Harvey loves me, and then Louis breaking down over losing Sheila, I just couldn't keep pretending that I haven't been in love with Harvey for the last fourteen years."
"Donna…" Rachel began, a hitch in her voice.
But the red-head waved her off, her eyes trained on her hands, as she continued to speak. "I know, Rachel. It was selfish and stupid, especially since Harvey is with Paula. And now after the fight Harvey and I had earlier," she cringed at the memory of their shouting match in the downstairs lobby, "I'll probably never get the chance to tell him the truth about how I really feel…"
"Donna!" Rachel said a little more forcefully, causing her to look up from the glass of bourbon in her hands and at the woman sitting next to her instead.
"What, Rachel?!" she snapped at her friend.
Rachel locked eyes with Donna and tilted her head toward the door. Donna's gaze followed Rachel's nod, and her eyes went wide when she saw Harvey standing there, a look in his eyes that she couldn't quite read.
"I'm just going to go," Rachel murmured to Donna as she set her glass on the table. "Call me later. I'll be up."
Donna gave a slight nod; her eyes never left Harvey's as Rachel made her way from the room. "I thought you'd already left," the COO stated, though it came out as more of a question. She tipped back the last of her drink before sitting her empty glass next to Rachel's half full one. She barely resisted the urge to knock back its contents as well before she asked, "How much did you hear?"
"What did you mean when you said you'd never get the chance to tell me the truth about how you feel?" Harvey questioned, stepping all the way into Donna's office.
His face was stony, and his eyes gave no hint as to the emotions that were going on under the surface, which left Donna unsure of how to answer the man's question. On one hand, she could tell him the truth right now about the feelings she had denied earlier in the evening and see how he reacted. On the other hand, he was with Paula so admitting she lied about said feelings would only make it all that much worse.
"It was nothing, Harvey. Just girl talk at the end of a long day," she quickly replied in hopes he would leave it alone.
"Dammit, Donna!" Harvey yelled, making Donna wince at the harsh tone in his voice. "I heard what you told Rachel. You said that you couldn't keep pretending that you aren't in love with me." There was anger in his voice, but there was also an underlying hurt that Donna just couldn't figure out.
"So which is it?" he continued. "You don't feel anything for me or you're in love with me? Because I can't keep going around in a circle with you, Donna."
"You can't keep going around in a circle? Really, Harvey?" Donna scoffed. She could feel as the anger rose in her chest at the ridiculousness of the words from the man who stood in front of her. "I've been on a literal merry-go-round of emotions with you for the last fourteen years, Harvey. You never want to admit how you feel. You refuse to acknowledge that there is even the possibility feelings between us, and there have been for years. Every time we get close to something real, you run away because you're afraid. Of what I'm not sure at this point, but you're not the only one who can't keep doing this." Her chest was heaving and her eyes were filled with tears. Her voice cracked as she continued to lay it all out for Harvey. "So yes I kissed you even though I knew you were with someone because I needed to find out if I could move on. I needed to know if I could ever cut out the piece of me that you control, Harvey. The piece that is so in love with you despite all the pain and the hurt and…"
Her words were cut short when Harvey's lips crashed into hers as he pulled her up from the couch into his arms, effectively silencing not only her mouth but her thoughts. Harvey's fingers tangled in her auburn locks, and Donna had to stifle a moan that began in her chest when she felt the sting of his nails scrape along the sensitive skin behind her ears. That same sting pulled her back to reality that Harvey was in a relationship; the reality that they had argued just hours before about the fact that she had kissed him, and now he was doing the same exact thing.
Donna quickly snapped back into her right mind and pushed Harvey back with hands that had somehow come to grip the lapels of his jacket, though she had no recollection of moving them at all.
"Harvey, what the hell?!" she demanded; her arms were still outstretched to keep him at arm's length, but she made no attempt to release her hold on him. His eyes were dark with lust and something else that Donna couldn't quite put a name to. She felt his heart racing beneath her hands. His breath came out in short gasps, and she began to wonder if Harvey was going to hyperventilate.
"I lied before," the lawyer finally rasped out. "When I said your kiss only affected me because I'm human and not because I felt something, I lied."
Harvey gently released his hold on her head and allowed his hands to slide down her arms until he came to her hands, which were now loosely clutching his jacket thanks to her dazed state. He slowly interlaced their fingers, never taking his eyes off of the woman in front of him.
Donna wasn't sure which one of them was shaking, but she could feel it, all the while keeping her eyes on their interlocked hands as Harvey dropped them between their bodies. She kept staring in disbelief until she heard Harvey begin to whisper.
"I've been lying to myself and to you for the last fourteen years."
These words caused her eyes to snap up and lock with his, tears already threatening to fall.
"I knew the night we met that I would never be the same, but I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn't be enough. I was scared that you would see how fucked up I really was… am, and you would leave. I was scared that I would do something to let you down and I couldn't handle that. When I decided to work for Jessica after we left the DAs office, I knew I needed you to come with me, so I lied and told you I didn't want to know the kind of lawyer I would be without you, but reality was, and still is, I didn't want to know what kind of man I would be if I didn't have you by my side. So even though it was the last thing I wanted, I agreed to your rule and pushed my feelings down. But in the end that only made things worse…"
He paused, and the look on his face told Donna that what he was about to say wasn't going to be easy for her to hear. "Which is why I tried to take back saying I love you after everything happened with you and Liberty Rail. I knew that you didn't share my same feelings, so when you asked me how I loved you, I did what I do best: I ran. It wasn't until the night you told me you were going to work for Louis and said that you loved me that I realized just how wrong I had been, but by then, I knew I was too late."
Donna felt as tears ran down her face; her chest was racked with sobs from Harvey's confession. She was utterly speechless, standing in the middle of her office, mascara running down her face, all the while Harvey Specter, the love of her life, poured his heart out to her. The COO's mind was spinning at everything he had just confessed, and her eyes grew wide as she saw him open his mouth to say more.
"Before when I felt after our argument downstairs, I went to see Paula to tell her the truth about what happened."
Donna flinched at the mention of that name, but if Harvey noticed, he didn't acknowledge it because he kept talking, his eyes boring into what felt like Donna's soul.
"As I'm sure you can imagine, she was none too happy, but I had been honest, so what more could I do? She asked me if I kissed you back. Of course I said no." Harvey shifted his grasp of Donna's hands so he could motion for them to sit on the couch without ever losing their physical contact.
Once settled, their knees touching while their fingers remained braided together, Harvey picked up where he left off. "The truth is that you didn't kiss me long enough for me to actually kiss you back the way I wanted to, but I couldn't say that to her in the moment because to be completely honest, it wasn't until you pulled away that the thought of her even crossed my mind. Paula must have seen something in the look on my face that told her I was holding back, so she asked me if I had feelings for you. I couldn't answer her question because I didn't want to lie, to her or myself, anymore. That's when she told me that she didn't think our relationship would survive if I kept working with you."
A look of disgust crossed his face as Harvey looked down at their clasped hands. "I know she was giving me an ultimatum even if she didn't come right out and say it. From the look on her face, I honestly think she believed I was going to choose her."
Donna gasped at these words as a fresh wave of tears flowed down her face, and a loud sob was wrenched from her chest. Her mind had not even begun to process the fact that Harvey lied about his feelings for her, and now she was pretty sure he had just told her that he had chosen her and their friendship over his relationship with his girlfriend.
A smirk spread across the cocky lawyer's face at Donna's reaction. "Yeah that's pretty much how Paula reacted too, although I hope that our conversation has a happier ending than the one with her did." He tightened his grip on her fingers to emphasize his words that followed. "You have been in my life longer than almost anyone else, Donna. The fact that Paula truly believed I would fire you after everything we've been through together blows my mind. I almost went to prison just to protect you, so firing you after I had just learned you felt the same way I did, or that I at least had the chance to find out if you did? There was no way in hell I was going to do that because I knew that you wouldn't have kissed me if you honestly felt nothing for me. I wasn't about to waste the possibility of finally having the one thing I have wanted more than anything for the last fifteen years."
"Being with Paula was a mistake. When you told me you wanted more, I thought you were saying more from me, from us, but then you said that you didn't know what more meant. I was afraid that when you figured it out, you would be ready to move on with your life without me, and I couldn't face that pain so I decided to take myself out of the equation," Harvey paused; his voice cracked under the weight of the emotions he was finally setting free.
Donna saw the pain and regret in Harvey's eyes, and she was sure that there was plenty reflecting back in her own. Gently, the red-head leaned forward to rest her forehead against the man's sitting in front of her in an attempt to siphon off some of the tension that could be felt radiating off of him. A deep breath brought the scent of his cologne, and Donna realized, in that moment, hands clasped together, foreheads and knees pressed to each other, Harvey smelled like home. And more than that, he felt like it too.
"I don't have many regrets over the choices I've made and the things I've done, but the biggest regret I do have is that I let you believe that I am not wholly, completely, and madly in love with you, Donna Paulsen," he whispered so softly that had they not been sitting so closely, Donna was almost certain she wouldn't have heard him. "I am so sorry for all the things that I put you through over the last fourteen years. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to be honest about what has been right in front of my face this whole time. You deser…"
Whatever else Harvey was about to say was cut off, this time by Donna as her lips enveloped his in an earth scorching kiss. All the emotions she had kept pent up for far too long were not flowing out; she was pushing every ounce of them through her body to make sure Harvey knew exactly where she stood. She quickly released Harvey's fingers so she could tangle her own in the short, soft hair at the base of his skull. As soon as her palms touched his head, Donna felt Harvey hands gravitate to her waist. He pulled her into his body, her chest pressed flush against his as their lips battled for dominance.
Once oxygen began to become a necessity,without removing her arms from around his neck, Donna, regretfully, dragged her lips from Harvey's to rest her forehead against his once more in order to catch her breath. After a moment, she leaned back and couldn't help but giggle at the pout that had appeared once Harvey opened his eyes and realized she was sitting there just smiling back at him.
Shifting one arm, Donna cupped his cheek, rubbing her thumb over the five o'clock shadow that had appeared. The course stubble reminded her of the short time, when they were still at the DA's office, that Harvey had decided to grow out a short beard. She wasn't sure if it was Harvey's massive confession or the onslaught of memories that caused tears to fill her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that night, but Donna knew that there was nothing she could do to keep from crying at this point. She took a deep breath and tried to center her thoughts before she finally spoke.
"You have always been and will always be enough for me, Harvey Specter. Even when we would fight and weren't speaking to each other, even when I went to work for Louis, and even when I was furious with you for how you reacted when Mike took Gibbs' deal, a day never went by where I didn't think about you and pray that things would fall into place for us." Donna took the hand resting on Harvey's face and raked it through her wavy, red locks. She felt her hand shaking as she brought it back up to wipe tears from her face. Her bottom lip quivered as she tried to hang on to the tentative grasp she had on her emotions.
"Do you know why I made that rule about the other time when you asked me to come to Pearson Hardman with you after you left the DA's office?" Donna sked, reclaiming her free hand's previous resting place intertwined with her other hand on Harvey's neck. When she saw him give a subtle head shake, she explained, "I had hoped that you'd asked me to meet you at the diner that day because you wanted to talk about us being together, so when you asked me to come be your secretary again instead, my heart broke a little."
Harvey tightened his grip on her waist and muttered, "I remember the look on your face. It broke my heart because that look told me that you wanted us to be something even then." He swallowed before he continued, "Your face, and the mask that you put on, slipped for a split second and I could see the hurt that I was causing in your eyes. I honestly almost changed my mind right then and asked you out on a date instead, but like I said," he shrugged, "I was afraid I wouldn't be enough or that I would let you down, and that was something I never wanted to do."
"I know, Harvey," Donna murmured, stroking the back of his neck with her thumbs before she released her arms from around his shoulders so she could slip off her heels and pull her feet onto the couch, tucking them under her thighs. She reached out for his hands that were resting on the tops of her thighs and tangled her fingers with his once again. "I know. You, in your own way, were trying to protect both of us from getting hurt, which is the whole reason I came up with that rule in the first place. As much as I wanted to be with you back then, I knew neither of us was ready for anything serious, and I wasn't about to throw away the world relationship that gave me my best friend. So I said we would just forget about it and never talk about it again. In hindsight, the denial is honestly probably what made things so much harder for us to deal with, but I had convinced myself that having you in my life as my best friend/boss was better than not having you in my life at all."
"The night you told me you loved me after Liberty Rail took the deal, I was in such shock. I honestly never thought I would hear you say those words to me. Even though you were right when you said I knew you did," the COO admitted. "But when you took it back, it made me wonder if I had made it all up in my head, so I decided to go work for Louis because as much as I wanted to move on, my heart wouldn't let me."
Donna looked down at their hands; Harvey's large but nimble fingers intertwined with hers and couldn't help but smile. She chuckled as she thought about all the times she had dreamt of holding Harvey's hand like this or kissing him the way she had a few moments ago. In even the wildest of her dreams, she never expected this to be the way they would finally work their shit out.
"Hey… where'd you go?" Harvey asked, giving her knees a nudge with his.
Startled, this pulled her back from her thoughts, and after a second Donna just smiled. "Looking at our hands like this," nodding to her lap, "reminded me of all the nights I used to imagine what it would be like if we were together. We've been through much over the last fourteen years. I think, sometimes, I took our friendship and this bond we have for granted because my heart always knew we could be so much more. Which is why I was so blindsided when you told me you were seeing Paula. My brain knew what was going on, but my heart was in full denial of the truth; I waited too long to do something about the fact that I'm in love with you."
Looking back up into the chocolate brown eyes staring back at her, Donna rubbed a thumb across the knuckles of one of Harvey's hands. She knew was stalling while she tried to find the words but she was about to say something that her head and her heart really didn't want her to say, so these words had to be right.
"I didn't mean for all this," using one hand to motion between them, "to end your relationship with Paula. That was never my intention, truly," Donna expressed. She held up a hand again to prevent whatever words had been about to come out of the lawyer's mouth. "Let me finish. You choosing me over your relationship with Paula means more to me than you know, but if you were truly happy with her, I won't stand in the way of that. You deserve to be happy, Harvey. That's all I've ever wanted for you. As much as I love you, I can let that go if it means you are truly content with your life."
Donna wiped a lone tear from the corner of her eye before it could fall and waited for some sort of response from Harvey, who was staring at her with a dumbfounded expression on his face. She didn't know if he was going to take the out she had just handed him, but everything inside her prayed that this time Harvey would conquer his fear instead of running from it.
After what seemed like an eternity, Donna saw something in Harvey's eyes change and without warning, his hands were once again buried in her hair; fingers tangled in the loose curls behind her ears. This time, instead of kissing her, Harvey held her head still so that the only place Donna could look was straight into his bright, clear eyes.
"So the great Donna Paulsen doesn't know everything anymore," amusement evident in his voice. "There is no one and nowhere else I want to be other than right here with you." Harvey enunciated, putting stress on each word as he spoke. "I know that my relationship ending wasn't something you planned out when you kissed me, but it's an outcome that would have happened eventually. You just saved both of us from even more wasted time denying our feelings." He leaned forward to press a gentle kiss in the center of Donna's forehead. "I am done wasting time being scared of losing you. I want to spend my time being with you, Donna. I don't want to let another day go by where I don't remind you how much I love you at least ten times in an hour, and I don't want to wake up one more morning or go to sleep one more night without your face being the first and last thing that I see. I'm not running anymore."
Now it was Donna who felt dumbstruck because for the second time that night, she had been rendered speechless by Harvey's admissions of love. But this time her eyes were filled with hope instead of tears because she finally heard the words she felt like she had been waiting a lifetime to hear, and she was not about to waste another second on regret or worry when she had this new life with Harvey that was stretched out in front of her.
Pressing a short but smouldering kiss to his lips, Donna whispered, "I love you, Harvey Specter. Take me home."