This is a practice piece and complete utter crack. I'm gonna be straight forward; I despise Steven universe as a whole but I watched 85% of it anyway (didn't really watch the last season or so). However I will admit it had some merits even if it did crash and burn in other aspects. Also to any Steven universe fans reading this, hello! I promise you I will not be bashing the show or any characters beyond Ronaldo. I'm gonna do my best to make an actual story.
This idea spawned from me and my friends talking about the worst character on the show and remembering his obsession with snake people that was a thing. Then we got on the topic of Jojo and I eventually had the terrible thought of what would happen if scary monsters was unleashed onto a small beach town.
And this was the result. God help us all.
This is written for fun purely from memory, zero research so apologies for any inconsistencies.
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Bang! Bang! Bang! Rattled the flimsy door of a beaten beach house.
"Open up Steven! I know you're home! I can see the lights on!" He continued loudly banging on the door in hopes of waking up it's usually sole resident.
"Come onnnn this is an emergency! The break of the century! This could mean life or death for all of Beach City!"
He continued knocking until a clearly annoyed Steven opened the door, still in his Pjs and with a bad case of bedhead.
"Ronaldo...do you know what time it is?"
"Time is irrelevant when there are lives on the line and sneeple to bust."
Steven put his hands to his face and took a very deep breath. Not this again. "Didn't we already put all that stuff about snake people behind us already?"
Ronaldo winced, clearly remembering the severe beatdown he got from Steven's moms after kidnapping their son. In his defense he thought Steven was apart of the sneeple and he was running on 27 hours of no sleep. Besides, this time it was different! And he voiced just that.
"This time is different! I have definitive proof of something weird going on in Beach City!... Aren't you at least a bit curious?"
By the dead pan look Steven was giving he clearly was not.
"Ok, ok butttttt-" Ronaldo dug through his backpack to pull out a laptop. "-what about video evidence!?"
Still unimpressed. Time for the big guns.
"What about all the disappearances!?"
That swiftly got his attention as Stevens' face lit up in concern. "Disappearances?" How had he or the gems not heard about this?
Jackpot, Ronaldo had him hooked. He slowly shrugged off his backpack and pulled out a binder. "I'll tell you all about it if you let me in."
Steven still looked hesitant, "Alright, but if this is a joke or some kind of hoax-" Ronaldo frantically waved his hands back and forth.
"I promise it's not! But just say the word and I'll escort myself out no problem. Bloggers honor." He stood up straight and did a mock salute. It lasted for only a few seconds as he was unaware you didn't have to hold your breath to salute and he began to choke.
That at least got a laugh out of Steven. He opened the door to his house motioning for Ronaldo to follow behind.
Twenty minutes of set up later Ronaldo was ready to explain, having commandeered a chalkboard to stick the contents of his binder on and a charger port for his laptop.
The perfect setup for a conspiracy rant.
Ronaldo pointed to the first newspaper clipping. "A week and a half ago a foreman at Oscar's landscaping company reported the mysterious and sudden disappearance of three workers in the middle of their shift. They had reported strange noises on the edge of the property they were working on."
He pointed to an adjacent clipping with an interview printed off of a "news" website covered in ads. "There was a fourth worker who didn't follow after them. And good he didn't because a few minutes into his coworkers investigations-" Ronaldo smacked the board for dramatic effect, startling his poor audience member.
"BOOM! He started hearing the blood curdling screams of his fellow men off in the distance!"
"Did he save them?!"
"Uh, no. He didn't. He totally ran." Ronaldo was rather blaśe about this fact.
"Oh. Wait, he just left them on their own!?"
"Well, yeah but it's good he did! Because otherwise there would be no witness testimony! Because when the authorities arrived to check out the scene there was no trace of the men left! The only thing there was was-" Ronaldo pointed to yet another clipping, this one a series of photos stuck together. They would resemble a series of innocuous forest shots if not for the deep scratch marks along the trees, on the ground, and crushed plant life. "-scratch marks everywhere and clear signs of a struggle. And yet? No hint of where the men have gone or what attacked them. As if they vanished into thin air. Poof." He accentuated this with poof hand motion.
"And what does this have to do with snake people..? Last I checked snakes don't have arms." A fact that still occasionally made him tear up.
"We're getting there! Just bear with me I swear this will all make sense."
Ronaldo pointed to another photo, this one a screenshot from someone's social media. Next to it was a poorly zoomed in copy of said picture.
"This went unreported by any news outlet but look what one of the officers posted a picture of at the scene." It was an image of a foot print but it looked strange. It was very elongated, wide at the pad of the foot before thinning out. What was most remarkable was the evidence of large claws but strangely there were only three in total.
"It's a footprint! How could they have overlooked this! But point is it's evidence of something strange going on here."
Ronaldo spun around to the other side of the board where another cluster of photos and clippings was posted. Some of them had what looked to be censors. This made Steven's stomachs slightly turn in unease.
"Five days ago a various farms a few miles out reported the violent deaths of cattle." He pointed to the blurred photos." They all looked like a lion or a bear had ripped them apart! And ate them!"
Steven gasped "Pink lion would never do such a thing!" Somewhere in the world, said lion loudly sneezed.
Embarrassed, Ronaldo back tracked. "I never said it was your lion! I was just comparing! Cause y'know big claws and being the kind of the jungle and all that. But we're getting off track! Look!" He frantically pointed to yet another cluster of farm photos. They had what looked to be footprints all over them, almost like...
"Look familiar?" Ronaldo smugly pointed out as he saw the look of recognition bloom on Steven's face.
"The same tracks as the woods."
"Exactly! The same exact tracks. Except look," He urged Steven to follow where his fingers were pointing.
"There are more sets now. At least 4-5 now if my deductive reasoning is anything to go off of." As he began babbling about what three claws could possibly be a code for Steven stopped to think over what he's been presented with so far.
Steven was reluctant to listen to Ronaldo and his theories but he had to admit that this was actually going somewhere though he was still unconvinced about the whole sneeple thing. He shivered at the thought of that night. Ronaldo had the bad tendency of going too far when it came to chasing his theories.
While Steven zoned out Ronaldo continued on in his rant. "And look at this report! The farmers reported 13 of their cattle in total had gone missing. But only 7 were found dead in the fields! That's five whole cows unaccounted for. You know what this means!?"
"No..?"
Ronaldo groaned, obviously annoyed that Steven wasn't connecting the dots in his "brilliant" theory. "The sneeple. They took those cows. You wanna know why? They're multiplying. It's a nest. A sneeple nest, right in the heart of beach city."
He frantically pointed to the first cluster of photos. "It started out with one-" He then pointed to the second cluster. "Then there were five. And now? There could be even more out there multiplying as we speak!"
Steven, being the kind of person he was, wanted to be polite but having dealt with Ronaldo's antics multiple times by this point he couldn't help but get at least a bit annoyed. "Ok I can see there being a potential threat in Beach City causing trouble but the one thing I don't get here is why do you think it's snake people? Haven't we already proven they're not real?"
Ronaldo pushed up the glasses he didn't have on his face. "Heh. That's where this comes in my dear Watson." He gestured towards the laptop he left charging on Steven's coffee table.
"Now the video I'm about to play isn't for the faint of heart. And it's 100% real! Caught on a CCTV camera behind the visitor center two nights ago."
"Um. How did you get this footage-"
"Irrelevant to the case. Just watch."
The video in question was in black and white with a film quality comparable to a potato. Time stamped at 9:36 PM it started with two young adults in hoodies, one tall and one heavy set sneaking around. They weren't doing a very good job since the camera could very well see them but the quality masked their identities. The tall one shrugged off their backpack and started digging through it before pulling out several cans of spray paint. He tossed one to his friend before working on digging out a pair of respiratory masks.
They didn't get far into their project as one of them suddenly stopped spraying. They got their friend to stop as well and gestured for them to listen. The next parts happened so fast that Steven could hardly believe what he was seeing.
The moment the taller one started moving closer to the surrounding woods a large dark shadow tackled him to the ground, nearly out of frame. The attacker remained on the teen for a second before dragging him off into the woods at an unnatural speed. His friend sat on the pavement in shock not moving as he seemed to be transfixed by something the camera couldn't see.
He attempted running but not too far out he was also quickly caught and violently dragged off if the shadows in the edge of the video was anything to go off of.
The last frame before the video stopped showed the large silhouette of something with a long, smooth tail and massive clawed feet.
Neither of them spoke after the video concluded, though Ronaldo was clearly vibrating at what he believed to be the crown jewel of evidence.
"You see Steven!? I may have been wrong before but this is irrefutable proof that snake people walk among us. The invasion has started and it's up to us to defend humanity!"
While Ronaldo began his rant on the snake empire Steven took a moment to process what he just saw in the video. "That didn't look like a snake at all. If anything it kinda looked like a big lizard to me."
"What are lizards but snakes with limbs?"
"They're just lizards Ronaldo."
Ronaldo huffed and nearly resumed his rant before Steven cut in again.
"I don't think it's snake people Ronaldo."
Ronaldo stopped moving and slowly faced Steven, his bubble burst. "You don't..?"
"I don't .." He saw the withering look on Ronaldo's face and chose his words wisely. "But I do think this is worth bringing up the Gems."
He lightened up once more. "Really?"
Steven nodded. "Really. It might be a gem monster running around..." Or worse...if it was another aquamarine situation. He shuddered as he remembered the chaos and destruction that gem brought and the death of his friend as a result. He brought him back but it didn't take away from the fact that it HAPPENED. He couldn't bear the thought of another homeworld gem tearing up beach city again.
Ronaldo practically started dancing in the excitement of being acknowledged. "Thank you Steven! Together I know we can finally topple the sneeple." He clearly wasn't getting Steven's point but the spirit was there at least.
"Ha ha yeah." He tentatively responded. "Hey do you think you could leave your stuff here for the Gems to look over? I think I'd be a little easier to explain things if I had this stuff around."
"Sure! A proper researcher always has 17 copies of their hard work. Never know when the government might try to silence you. Though uh, I kinda need my laptop so could I just email you the video?"
"Yeah that'll work."
At that Ronaldo began packing up, leaving behind the conspiracy board and making sure to send Steven the video file before unplugging his laptop. "Were in for it now Steven. I'll keep you updated on anything I find and get the potatoes armed and ready!"
"Right...but Ronaldo? This thing seems to be a threat to humans I think that maybe you should be careful-" But his words went mostly unheard as Ronaldo was already at the door."
"Work to be done, people to save. For now, I bid you a-diue." He said, utterly butchering the French language before charging out of Steven's house.
Left alone in his beach house with nothing but a messy chalkboard
He had a bad feeling about all of this. It felt too bizarre to be just a normal case.
-
"This. Is a problem." Was all that Garnet said once they finished watching the video.
"I think that's an understatement, Garnet." Replied a slouching Amethyst. She thought the video looked like a bad horror movie rather than actual footage. Like those Paranatural Activities movies. Heh, her and Steven should watch them together sometime.
"Steven, you're sure this is real and not another one of that particular human's...'conspiracy theories' again?" Pearl gently asked.
"That's what I thought too pearl, but look! These articles are real! People have been disappearing around beach city." He handed his phone to Pearl that had several articles tabbed. She took a few minutes to scroll through each one before handing back his phone.
"Oh dear..."
"Oh dear indeed." Amethyst mocked. She shape shifted her eye to resemble a cartoon monocle. "Seems here we have a nasty capper on our hands ladies. How are we ever going to catch the perp?"
"Amethyst! This is serious! Humans are being abducted by who knows what!" Pearl chastised. She turned to Garnet next.
"Garnet, is there anything you possibly know about this?"
The leader of the Crystal Gems shook her head. "No. I haven't foreseen any possibility of something like this happening. Not so soon."
Pearl's face furrowed. "Nothing at all?"
"Nothing at all. It's concerning."
Garnet's future vision has always been a touchy subject. She was more open about it and how it worked now but no Crystal Gem ever wanted to push her too far when it came to using it.
"Well, maybe we could go investigate the scene at some of these places? And then you could meditate afterwards. Do you think that would help?"
"Garnet didn't respond right away, putting a hand on her chin seemingly lost in thought. "It's worth a try. Thank you Steven."
"It's for the best we look into this right away. We made a mistake by not noticing Aquamarine before and we can't have something like that happen again right under our noses!" Pearl stressed. To be fair she did have a rather big, birdlime nose so it'd be understandable that things would occasionally disappear from notice under it.
However not a single one of the gems wanted a repeat of the aquamarine incident. They had failed to stave off a homeworld invasion and it cost them dearly. Property smashed and civilians injured were the least of it. Steven and his friend were kidnapped to Homeworld, the same friend perishing in the process of their escape. Even if Steven did say he brought him back it still represented an unacceptable failure for the group and a grim reminder of what next could happen if they don't remain vigilant.
"Riiight so-" Amethyst took this moment to pull out a map of Beach City from her gem. "The nearest place to check would be that visitor shack at the end of the board walk right?"
"Yeah cause the other two places are a couple of farms a few miles outside of town and some random place a landscaping company worked on. And Ronaldo didn't exactly specify the locations for either..." He thought about how scattered his explanation was in general before chiming back in. "Plus this is the most recent incident Ronaldo did mention so there could still be clues left!"
Pearl seemed to agree though she has one concern. "It's a place to start. However, I think that perhaps we should keep our investigation under wraps."
Steven looked at her curiously. "You think?"
"We wouldn't want to cause a hysteria amongst the humans. Especially when their faith in us has ..wavered as of late."
No one could deny how tense things have been in the small beach town as of late. The reminder slightly soured the overall mood of the room.
"We should approach this with as much caution and diligence as possible, even if it means keeping the humans in the dark until this is resolved." Agreed Garnet somberly.
"But no one in Beach City knows there's a threat out there!" Steven exclaimed. But Amethyst lackadaisically interjected from her spot on the couch.
"But like, everyone already knows there's monsters prowling around and all that so how is this any different?"
Steven wanted to press further but in a way Amethyst was right. If they didn't say anything no one would really get panicked. It would just seem like regular Crystal Gem business as usual because that's just what it was. All they were doing was going after an unusual gem monster. Or at least, Steven hoped so.
"Yeah, you're right." Was what he said out loud.
Amethyst smirked before sitting up. "I'm always right little man. All this is is just an abnormal gem monster acting crazier than usual. We'll get em." She gave him a thumbs up.
Pearl clapped her hands. "Ok we're in agreement. Now I believe we should head to this 'visitor center' to look for any clues as Steven has mentioned." She went over to the screen door, gently motioning for everyone else to follow after her.
One by one the gems followed suit, touching down on the white beach before looking expectantly at their youngest member. Garnet cooly adjusted her sunglasses and spoke.
"Lead the way Steven."
In another part of Beach City, particularly in a suburban bedroom sat Ronaldo. Having finished typing his latest blog post hours ago before meeting up with Steven he sat at his desk working on a different task.
Papers were poorly stacked all over the old hardwood, each still a bit sticky with remnants of printer ink and graphite. In his heart he knew he didn't have the power to defend people on his own. But what he could do was inform the people. He could let them know the threat lurking in the streets and how to protect themselves before it's too late. He'd blow this conspiracy wide open and finally-
"RONALDOOOO! It's time for your shift at the fry shop!"
"Ugh..!" He frustratedly pushed himself out of his chair. "I don't have time for this! The public is in danger!"
"The rest of my day is in danger!"
Ronald gripped his head in frustration. "We are talking about the greater good Peedee!"
"Greater good! Yeah right, the greatest good you're ever gonna get is this sandal in your face if you don't get over to the shop."
"Well it's too late Peedee, I already have plans and justice can't be stopped. You'll just have to take my shift."
"Not again, no!" But his cries fell on deaf ears as Ronald picked up as many fliers and he could in addition to an industrial stapler and a large roll of tape.
As he charged out of the house in a righteous fervor, fliers in hand, one gently fluttered away into the wind. It read:
BEWARE, BEWARE, THE BEAST OF BEACH CITY.
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I've never used FF before so apologies if it looks weird in any places!