Again, just a way for me to interpret things that are stuck in my head and I had to write to get it out. I don't know what it is about this show, especially this season, but it has brought me back to writing after quite the hiatus. I think it might be all the different points of view and in reading everyone's individual take on episodes, it seriously sometimes feels like we are all watching a different show. I must admit that I find that absolutely fascinating...

Fear

Nathan had felt fear before. His career regularly demanded it of him, and in taking on his niece full-time as a single parent, fear was a feeling he had, in essence and varying degrees, learned to live with. Even so, in hearing Elizabeth asking him to step outside at Florence and Ned's wedding reception, nothing had ever compared to the fear he immediately experienced at her words.

He was surprised to feel the soft tap on his back, and even more so when he turned and saw her standing there. With her request, it was all he could do to answer her with a simple "yeah", and follow her out the door.

His conversation with Lucas was still reverberating through his brain and all he could think was that this was the moment she was going to tell him. Elizabeth was going to say she had finally, irrevocably chosen Lucas. Tell him that she loved Lucas, not him, and to stop pressuring her once and for all, her decision had been made.

Even though they'd had a version of this conversation by the roadside that day, when she had told him she couldn't give him what he wanted, and it had been hard to accept in the beginning that she hadn't responded the way he had hoped, he had come to understand why. Then, in replaying the conversation, when he'd told her he knew she felt the same way he did, he had realised her response had never been no, she'd simply answered with "I can't", and until this moment Elizabeth had never told him she didn't love him.

Nathan had realised fear was a motivator for Elizabeth early on, and even more so since the close call where she thought he'd been shot. Their conversation and her obvious distress that day had just made it all the easier for him to continue to justify the delay with himself in telling her about Fort Clay.

In Elizabeth confronting him in the street, and in finally telling her what had happened, all he'd wanted to do was comfort her and it was the first time he could remember her pulling away from him – apart from that fateful day on the roadside, of course. Yes, in the past she had distanced herself when they had gotten too close, or he had put some distance between them if he felt her becoming overwhelmed in the depth of their conversations, but in the street that day, it was different. He could see the hurt and the surprise after his confession, and as he'd moved towards her, he'd felt so helpless when she started like a skittish horse before all but running away from him.

At the reception, as he followed her outside the saloon, his heart was beating furiously in his chest and his body restrained the impulse to leave and not have to hear what she had to say. He even went as far to walk past her, before taking a steadying breath and making what felt like an unconscious decision to turn and face her, somehow understanding that no matter what the outcome, he would never be able to just walk away from her.

When Elizabeth started talking, his heartbeat rose further and blood was pounding through his body, making it hard to hear. It took him a minute to realise she was talking about Fort Clay, and remorse overtook him again. Remorse for the actions that had led to his suspension, for the fact Jack was assigned in his place on that fateful mission, and most of all, for the fear he'd held that in telling her the truth, he would lose her irrevocably.

Then he heard her words…