A/N: Well hi. I'm spending three weeks on the beach, and I'm feeling inspired by the change of scenery, so you can expect a few more oneshots here soon. This takes place probably the night that Momiji and Kyo had that conversation on the school roof in episode 5. Slight manga spoilers at the end. Enjoy!
(The title is from the song "Please Don't Say You Love Me" by Gabrielle Aplin)
"I mean...you know, right?"
He does. Of course he does.
Tohru isn't exactly good at being subtle. That's why he's tried to keep his distance––he's seen it, watched her slowly fall in love with him. And he hates it.
Kyo hates that she can feel something like that for someone like him, when she'd really be better off with someone more normal, someone who has a chance at actually living a life past high school.
Like Momiji. Momiji deserves her. He's kind and smart, and now that he's grown, he really is good looking, just like he'd claimed the other day. Kyo has even heard Tohru make a few off-handed comments about it recently. She probably doesn't even realize she does it, like she probably doesn't even realize she has feelings for Kyo that run deeper than friendship. But whether or not she's aware of it, at least a small physical attraction to Momiji is clearly there, so...it's a start.
And most importantly, Momiji isn't just a year away from being locked in a cage. Even though they can't hug, they could get married, have kids. Kyo hasn't explicitly talked to Tohru about that kind of stuff, obviously, but he's sure she wants to be a wife and a mom someday—it's just so her. So, on paper, Tohru and Momiji are perfect for each other.
The thought of the two of them falling in love, building a life together...it hurts. And it's gotten the nasty image of them having sex into Kyo's head. He curses and shifts his weight, the discomfort of the roof's shingles digging into his skin offering a much-needed distraction.
"Kyo-kun?"
Kyo bites back a sigh. Of course she's found him. She always knows where he runs off to when he's upset.
"Yeah?" he calls back. Her head peeks over the lip of the roof.
"Oh, I just...you seemed kind of down after dinner, and I heard you curse just now."
He turns his face away. "It's nothing. Be careful on the ladder, or you'll fall."
She laughs a bit. He can hear the light smacking of her socked feet against the roof, and then feels the warmth of her shoulder next to his as she kneels down.
They sit in silence for a minute, the weight in the air stuck somewhere between familiar and far too heavy. Kyo can feel her staring, but he keeps his head ducked. Then Tohru giggles again. His cheeks flush.
"W-what?" he sputters out.
"Nothing. Just, your hair's really long again. I can't even see your eyes when you sit like that."
She reaches out to him, and for a second, Kyo marvels about the easy confidence in her voice, in her movements. Physical touch between the two of them is pretty common, more common than it should be, he knows, but lately, Tohru has been a little hesitant about it. As though, if she touches him, he might shatter or disappear. She's feeling bold tonight. He doesn't know why.
But then, her fingers are in his hair, and all conscious thought flees his mind.
"Do you want me to cut it for you again? I think I did a pretty good job last time." She tugs gently, pulling his fiery locks back to reveal his hot cheeks. Her fingers are freezing as they brush against his face, yet it feels so good to have her touch him in such an intimate way. He can't help but tense up.
"No," he chokes out finally. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her head tilt to the side, eyes widening slightly. He rushes to correct himself. "I-I mean, it's not that you didn't do a good job, because you did, I just...don't want it cut yet."
"'Kay," she says softly, letting go of his hair. It falls back into his eyes, and he's once again saved from the pain of having to look at her. He's sure she looks beautiful, skin glowing in the moonlight, the stars sparkling in her eyes, just like every time they're up on the roof at night together. He doesn't think he can bear to see it tonight.
"What do you want, Kyo-kun?"
That catches him completely off-guard. She never ceases to surprise him with the things she says. Tohru is gorgeous, but she's also smart and witty and deep. She can hold her own in a conversation, even when it's about more than the weather, and can start them when she wants to, too. He coughs and tries to play it off.
"Eh? With my hair? I'll leave it longer, I guess. Those are my only two options, right?"
She laughs, so light that it nearly gets lost in the breeze. "No. I mean, in general."
"In general?" he repeats. She hums in confirmation.
He sits quietly for a second. He can't come up with anything.
He's nearly out of time for wanting things, anyway.
"To not have a deep midnight conversation on the roof right now."
"Fair enough."
Kyo can hear the smile in her voice, and even though it sounds strained, tight, it makes him feel a little lighter somehow. He senses something wicked taking hold of his tongue, and words he knows he shouldn't say sit on it, heavy and bitter.
"What do you want, Tohru?" he blurts. He almost expects her to be surprised by hearing her question be shot back at her. She hates attention being on her, would rather slam her head into a wall repeatedly than talk about her feelings.
"Hmm…"
But then again, she's always been different with him, and he doesn't know why. It used to make him feel warm, but now that time's almost completely fallen away and he knows how she feels about him, it just makes his stomach churn. He should have stayed quiet.
"To pass that chemistry test on Friday!" Tohru says finally, tone playful. That's not what she wants. Even if he didn't already know about what Momiji had pointed out today, he can hear it in her voice, that she's hiding something. Holding back. He swallows down the sour taste in his mouth.
"Yeah? That's a big dream for you," he deadpans.
She lets out a pitiful whine and Kyo finally looks at her fully. She has her cheeks puffed out into an adorable fake pouty face. He can't help but chuckle.
"You're such a dork."
"You love it," she shoots back immediately, then he hears her inhale sharply as she realizes what she's said.
Before he can stop himself, though, he's responding. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."
What's wrong with him?
"Oh," she squeaks out. It makes it clear that she really hadn't been expecting an answer like that. He's crossed a line. He does that so often, it seems, no matter how hard he tries to stay on his side of the court.
He clears his throat and takes a deep breath, willing the crisp air surrounding them to cool his flushed cheeks before she sees them.
"A-anyway...you should probably get to bed. It's late."
"Oh, uh. You're probably right. But, Kyo-kun?"
"Mm?" he asks, turning toward her. And holy shit, she's close. Their shoulders have been pressed together this entire time, but now her face is right there. If he leaned forward just a couple of inches, their lips would lock.
Seemingly noticing their close proximity as well, Tohru gulps before choking out the rest of her question. "Are you sure you're okay?" she whispers.
It would be so easy. It wouldn't take much to move his face just a tad closer and claim her lips with his own. And it was so, so tempting.
Because he loves her.
He really does love her so much.
But that doesn't matter.
He forces his eyes away from her and back up toward the night sky, takes a slow breath to steady himself. "Yeah. Don't worry about me."
Tohru's response absolutely stuns him: "But I do."
Kyo turns back toward her and balls up his fist. He bumps it against her forehead, eliciting a small giggle, even though she still seems tense. "Yeah, you worry about everyone. But that's not your job, Tohru. Just take care of you."
She doesn't answer that. She just nods once and stands up, smoothing out her now-rumpled skirt. "Goodnight, Kyo-kun."
"Night."
It's not until she's down the ladder and he hears the balcony door click shut behind her that he allows himself to give into everything he's feeling. So Kyo cries. He shakes, and holds his head in his hands. He mourns what will never, can never be. And then, he pulls himself together because he has no other choice. And he wishes for her happiness, for her to never be lonely again. Just like he did as a kid all those years ago, when he'd seen her for the first time, through her apartment window.
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