This idea was born from the song "Still Hurting" from The Last Five Years.
In Glee season 1, Rachel goes through a lot and I feel like it isn't given as much importance as it should. She suffers from bullying, discovers the identity of her mother and also has a relationship with someone who for the first time understands her in every way, but ends up breaking her heart. I think the emotional hit for Rachel must have been gigantic, but she doesn't show up like that in the series. That's why I'm writing this fanfic with my version of how things really must have been.
Hope you like it!
Glee characters don't belong to me. Neither did the songs from the musical The Last Five Years
Still Hurting
Some part of her knew this could happen, but she still wished things were different. In the weeks after breaking up with Jesse, Rachel devoted herself body and soul to the number they performed at Regionals. As co-captain of the New Directions, she has been motivating her teammates over and over again to be able to present the best show of their lives. And they certainly far surpassed their last performance at Sectionals. Despite all the effort, it was not enough. Vocal Adrenaline were better, he was better. His rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody was by far the best group performance she had ever seen in her life, every move precise and perfect. However, what ensured Vocal Adrenaline's victory was Jesse's impeccable performance.
Now she felt a deep bitterness every time she remembered it. Every time she remembered the unfortunate incident that occurred weeks ago. The day of his betrayal. The day he cracked an egg on her forehead. The day he told her that he loved her.
No. It didn't make any sense. He couldn't love her and have done that to her. It was all a sham, a simple acting exercise for him, and she completely fell for his lie.
And yes, it was a heavy blow to her and it certainly did crumble part of her and her innocence. She trusted him, gave him her heart, and how could she not? How could she not have fallen madly in love with Jesse St. James? Beyond his physical attractiveness - those deep blue eyes and those beautiful curls that she adored so much - Jesse was the first boy she felt attuned to. The first that fully understood her. He was the first who made her feel comfortable showing herself as she was, and also the first who understood her passion and her goals in her life, as they were the same as his. The music, the stages, Broadway.
But no, it was all a lie - that was the mantra that she repeated herself over and over the last few weeks - he played with her and didn't mind leaving her there, alone and humiliated in that parking lot.
She knew she had to hate him - and part of her did - but despite everything what she felt most now was sadness.
"Are you okay?" Finn's voice next to her brought her back to reality.
"Yes, I am just disappointed." was what she managed to say. "I really thought we would make it" she continued with sadness in her voice. Finn placed a hand on her shoulder, as a way to comfort her. "I know it sucks to have lost, but at least we have each other" he said with a small smile on his face.
To be very honest, Finn telling her he loved her - seconds before their song started - had thrown her off a bit. She had many things to resolve in her mind. She still had a lot of mixed feelings about Jesse. And while she herself kissed Finn weeks ago after the breakup with Jesse - for rather selfish reasons it must be added - she still had things to clarify.
That same afternoon, she decided to sneak into the McKinley auditorium - after all, the best place to express her emotions was always on stage-.
She came planning along the way possible songs that could help her express what she felt, and close the Jesse chapter once and for all. At first, she wanted to express her anger, tell him how much she hated him for what he did to her. She thought about how much she would have liked to yell at him and hit him for humiliating her like that, for breaking her heart.
But no, that wasn't going to help ease her anguish. That anger that she felt was a superficial feeling, an emotion that she felt radiating through her skin, but it was nothing more than a defense against her deeper emotions. The truth is that she was hurting, she was still hurting by how he left her, by how he looked directly into her eyes when he broke the egg on her forehead, and by how he confessed to her in that moment that he had loved her.
On stage, the first verses came out of her mouth slowly. Each verse perfectly expressing her current situation.
Jesse is over and Jesse is gone
Jesse's decided it's time to move on
Jesse has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
He knew that winning Regionals was inevitable. His short stay at McKinley made it clear to him that there was no way New Directions would beat Vocal Adrenaline. While they had some talented members, and overall, they sounded relatively decent when singing as a group, Will Schuster had the preposterous idea that it was more important to spend their time singing about their problems rather than rehearsing for the competition.
However, Jesse was intrigued to see what the New Directions were going to perform. After all, they had her, and her performing was a show not to be missed. Rachel was the most talented person he had ever met, and the only one capable of matching his talent in every possible way.
It was clear to him that she didn't want to see him, not after the betrayal and the parking lot incident.
As much as he wanted to deny it, leaving Rachel was harder than he expected, since in the time they were together he really felt something for her. Rachel was much more than just an acting exercise, she was the first one to really understand him, and the one who shared his dreams and aspirations. She was the most talented person he had ever met, and in addition to being beautiful in a unique and untraditional way, she was highly intelligent, and able to follow and match his ideas quickly. Talking with Rachel was never boring, she always had something interesting to say and always an interesting and smart opinion. Singing with her was out of this world, their voices melded in harmony and reached their full potential together.
But they couldn't be together. Unfortunately, Jesse had a mission, and when he had completed it, he had to return to Vocal Adrenaline. Although he considered at one point putting the whole plan aside and continuing at McKinley and, consequently, with Rachel, he knew he couldn't do it. He needed to get back to Vocal Adrenaline and win a 4th national title. Although he already had a full scholarship at UCLA, his biggest goal was to get into an art college in New York, something like NYADA or Julliard, and for that he needed to do his best in his application. A 4th national title could make the difference between fulfilling his show dreams in New York or not.
That's why, no matter how hard the decision to leave Rachel was, he had to do it. For him and for his future.
Regarding the incident in the parking lot, the moment his teammates started throwing eggs at Rachel - aware that she was a vegan - he knew it was a mistake. When he saw the pain in her eyes, he wanted to stop. He wanted to stop his companions and defend Rachel. But it was too late, his decision was already made, and he only had to finish with the plan.
It was done, and there was nothing he could do to make things right with Rachel. She would never forgive him for what he did to her. And it was probably for the best, to get things done so when he had gone to college, he would have nothing and no one to tie him to Ohio.
"Ladies and gentlemen, our second competitors" a voice interrupted his stream of thoughts "winners of Central Ohio Sectionals, from McKinley High - New Directions!"
When he saw Hudson come out the back door, he frowned. It is not what he had been waiting for. After he sang relatively decently the opening lines of the Journey classic, she appeared. She went out through the back door that was closest to him, so he was able to observe her in detail. She looked beautiful as always, in a gold dress and a very 60s hairstyle.
He didn't want to admit it, but his stomach turned a bit when he saw them perform a romantic duet like that.
Oh boy, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Was it true? Rachel had already gotten over him? The way she sang to Hudson puzzled him. The guilt that consumed him since he broke that egg on her forehead dissipated. Maybe the pain he had caused Rachel was not as great as he had thought. Maybe Rachel was fine and she had moved on. That was a good thing, right? And if so, why couldn't he feel good about it?
The rest of the songs weren't bad, to be honest. But he knew his Bohemian Rhapsody was superior. Now it was his turn to perform alongside Vocal Adrenaline. He couldn't afford any more distractions for Rachel.
Jesse got to McKinley, and saw her car parked. It was pretty much the only car in the parking lot, after all it was a Saturday afternoon.
He headed straight for the auditorium and entered through the back door. He had many ideas on his mind and he needed to clarify them. He needed to talk to her, at least once. But he stopped short when he heard her voice. Not only was it her voice singing full of sadness and pain, it was her voice singing over him. She was standing alone in the middle of the stage, her voice filling the entire space, and the pain it reflected from her made him shudder.
Jesse arrived at the end of the line
Jesse's convinced that the problems are mine
Jesse is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
Many of the doubts that arose when he heard her sing with Hudson hours ago disappeared. He felt a little relief knowing that she did have feelings for him after all, but seeing all the pain she was feeling because of him brought him back to reality. She was hurt and probably furious with him, she wasn't going to want to talk to him, but did she really think he was feeling just fine?
What about lies, Jesse?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jesse
What about you
She was right. He had lied to her, over and over, and it wasn't something he could remedy that simple, no matter how much he wanted to.
She just wanted to get out of there fast. After New Directions taking third place in the competition, the atmosphere had become very tense among them. They were all getting ready to leave - except for Quinn and Puck who were still in the hospital - some would go back to accompany Quinn and the others would go home.
"Since no one is going to say it, leave it to me" Mercedes began in a notoriously annoyed tone. "All this happened because Rachel was fooled by the asshole of St. James", now she talked directed to her "We warned you, as soon as St. Jerk showed up, we told you it was a trap, and you didn't listen to us. This is your fault".
Rachel didn't say anything. She knew that she had been warned from the beginning, but the truth is that her relationship with Jesse had nothing to do with the outcome. Yes, he had broken her heart and betrayed her, but that was something between him and her. Jesse didn't steal their setlist or sabotage New Directions; he and Vocal Adrenaline were just better.
"Leave her alone, Mercedes. It's not Rachel's fault" Finn said, standing next to her. "We will do something to save the club, we just have to stick together".
"Yes, we already know that you love each other," Santana commented ironically, "but don't try to defend the dwarf. If we have to blame someone, it is her, because if she had not been like a cat in heat after the pretty boy, we could have won"
"We should have kicked her out when she started dating St. James," Artie commented.
Did her teammates seriously think the result was her fault? Were they so blind that they couldn't recognize that Vocal Adrenaline was really better than New Directions?
"That's enough" she finally said, standing up and taking her stuff "think what you want, I'm leaving" She hurried out of there, not looking at anyone. She quickly made her way out of the building to get to her car. When she was inside the car, she noticed the tears that were running down her cheeks.
She couldn't and didn't want to deal with the hatred of her teammates now - especially when it was unfounded - she still had a lot to think about.
She wasn't sure if she wanted to deal with the subject of Jesse, either, but it seemed impossible to get it out of her mind now. Today had been the first time she had seen him since that day, and frankly, his presence had affected her more than she expected. Even though she only saw him from afar, it sent a chill through her entire body - and she wasn't sure if it was a negative or a pleasant feeling.
No, she couldn't keep thinking about him, or feeling this way. She had to bring closure to this stage of her life. She had to say goodbye to the idea of Jesse.
She closed her eyes and threw her head back, trying to control the tears that threatened to break her voice. She continued singing the next verse with a hint of anger that she felt for Jesse.
Jesse is sure something wonderful died
Jesse decides it's his right to decide
Jesse's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
And then she saw him.
He was standing at the back of the auditorium, his eyes fixed on her. He was no longer wearing the pink shirt that he had worn hours ago, and was rather in a relaxed outfit in his typical monochromatic tones. But there was something different about him, something in his expression. He didn't have his mocking smile, nor his typical show face. No, he was just standing there, watching her warily, like not knowing what to do, which was very strange in Jesse St. James.
No, she couldn't keep being fooled by him. He had only hurt her, lying to her over and over, playing with her and her emotions.
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right
He was leaving the building, not quite sure what he was going to do with Rachel. He wanted to talk to her, but he had no idea how or when to do it.
It was then that he saw her pass in front of him. If only she had looked up, she would have noticed him. She was clearly upset; he only managed to see her for a few seconds - since she was walking incredibly fast - but that was enough for him to notice tears in her eyes. What would have happened to her? Could it be because of the defeat in the competition? He knew Rachel, he knew how important winning was to her, but those tears were from a deeper grief and frustration. Would she be crying for him? Or worse, because of Hudson?
He wanted to follow her, but wasn't sure if it was the best idea at the time. Suddenly, he heard the voices of two of the New Directions members rapidly approaching. He decided to get away and hide so that he would avoid any confrontation.
"Where did she go?" Kurt asked, looking around. He looked concerned, as did his partner.
"She couldn't have run that fast" Tina commented, then sighed and continued "I can't believe they said that to Rachel, she didn't deserve it"
"We all know that girl is a nuisance, and even though I don't like her, it's not fair that they're blaming her," Kurt said.
Finn appeared in the entrance hall from the opposite corridor and approached his teammates "I couldn't find her anywhere, and she doesn't answer her phone either" then sighed and continued "I don't know where she could have gone so upset"
And then Jesse knew. He knew Rachel, and he knew that when she felt upset or sad - or frankly when she felt any emotion intensely - she needed to express it with her voice. In Lima, Ohio, there were only a couple of places that could provide the perfect acoustics. He already knew where to find her.
Jesse had never experienced anything like this. Yes, he had been rebuked before, but he had never cared. He had never been affected for anything the way he was now by hearing Rachel sing to him in pain and anger.
Honestly, he didn't know how to act. He could only stand there watching her and listening in silence.
Give me a day, Jesse
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Don't we have a chance? Was the question that kept spinning in Jesse's mind. He knew the answer was no, because of everything that had happened, and he also knew that he would have to leave Ohio soon. The best thing was to leave things as they were. But something very different is what he really wanted.
Jesse approached the stage little by little, without taking his eyes off her.
Jesse is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm Still Hurting
The auditorium fell silent. Neither of them wanted to say anything - or didn't know what to say - and they just looked at each other, trying to figure out what was going through their minds.
Finally, Rachel was the one who broke the silence, and in a low voice asked "What are you doing here, Jesse?"
Jesse tried to compose himself. He was still deeply affected by the song, and by her. He had never cared what others said, until she came along. Hearing her sing was what he needed to be able to admit it. He was completely in love with Rachel Berry. He knew how much he had failed her, and that she would probably never trust him again, but at least he had to apologize to her, for everything. "I am here for you. I needed to see you and talk to you "
Rachel rolled her eyes and smiled wryly before continuing "Ha, and do you think I have any intention of talking to you? I don't want anything with you"
"That's what I thought so" he stopped for a second and then continued with a small smile "But to be honest, hearing you sing that song tells me the opposite."
Instinctively Rachel wanted to deny it, but there was really little she could say in her defense. She knew that coming out with an excuse that she was talking about another Jesse was absurd. It was clear that she had deliberately changed Jamie's name in the original song to suit her situation. She sighed before continuing.
"What do you want Jesse?"
Jesse nods to her to come off the stage and sit with him in the auditorium seats. "Just talk"
"You already said that" she answers firmly, but at the same time her body was unsure of whether to listen to him and go down or not. She finally gives in, and steps off the stage, sitting a few chairs away from him.
Jesse smiles, he loved how dramatic she was, even to have a conversation. He looked at her seriously again, before continuing "What I did to you was wrong. I know that I did you a lot of harm, and that I don't deserve your forgiveness"
"No, you don't"
"I know. I was a moron to you, and I know that you probably hate me more after today."
"I don't hate you for beating us today" she said calmly, measuring her words. Not revealing too much of what she felt "I respect the competition, and I can admit that Vocal Adrenaline was better than us today, even if you are soulless automatons"
Jesse smiled at that last comment. "Speaking of which, New Directions were great in that funk number you did the other time. I have some notes, in case you are interested, but in general it was not bad"
Rachel couldn't help but smile. She missed Jesse, including the smug comments from him. For a few seconds she felt that she was back with the Jesse that she loved so much. But no, she couldn't be fooled again, persuasive as it was. "I also have notes from your Bohemian Rhapsody, in case you're interested"
"And of course I would love to hear them, I have full confidence in your musical judgment" they looked at each other for several seconds, both absorbed in the idea of how easy it was to converse with each other. "However, we should leave that conversation for another time" if there is another time after today - he thought to himself - "Anyway. I know there're several things I should apologize for, and I also owe you more than one explanation "
"A lot, actually" she interrupted dryly and crossing her arms "but honestly I'm no longer interested in any of your explanations"
"Not even Shelby's part?"
"No" she answered annoyed and stood up "I don't need your explanations; I am clear about what you are going to tell me. That Shelby asked you to come up to me to guide me to her. That it was nothing personal, but know what? For me it was very personal. Did you ever stop to think about the consequences?" the first tears began to run down her cheeks "My therapist is staying at my house. I've been crying since Shelby told me that she didn't love me anymore. I was filled with illusions with the idea of having a mother, so that everything would fall apart because I am not what she wanted"
She closed her eyes, trying to clear the ideas in her mind. She didn't want to be this vulnerable in front of him. The truth was that she didn't want to be having this conversation. But maybe this was her chance to vent, and get Jesse out of her head forever. "Can you imagine what it was like to live that? Feeling that rejection and just wanting comfort from my boyfriend, and then finding out that he left me too, without any explanation. And not only that, since afterwards he did not come up with a better idea than to break an egg on my forehead"
He didn't know what to say. A sorry clearly wouldn't be enough. Rachel was right, he didn't measure the consequences of what could happen. And frankly, he wouldn't have cared much if it weren't for the fact that he fell in love with her. He hated himself for the damage he caused her, and he wanted to make amends, but he didn't know how to do it.
"I know I failed at many things Rachel. I know you probably have no intention of forgiving me for what I did to you" he paused for a few seconds, standing up and approaching her. Seeing that she does not react by walking away, he takes her hand gently "I know you have no reason to stay here, you could have already left. I just want you to know how sorry I am, for everything. I wish that things were different, that you could forgive me and that we could move on" he brings his free hand to her face, and with a gentle caress of his thumb wipes the tears from her cheek. Then he takes a deep breath and continues, "Rachel, I fell in love with you. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but you have to know that what I feel for you is real"
Now she was the one speechless. Was all that real? Or maybe it was just another trick from Jesse, after all he had already lied on her once. But being honest she felt that he was telling the truth. Every time she had talked with him in the past, she felt there was a kind of protective layer that kept his deepest feelings hidden from her. But now it was different. The Jesse standing in front of her wasn't the typical cocky, self-centered, self-assured Jesse, the one she was seeing now was more vulnerable, real.
"I believe you" she began slowly "but I need some time to think about this" the distance that separated them at that moment was very little.
"Sounds reasonable to me" he smiled. The fact that she believed in him was already more than he expected. Despite the circumstances, he was enjoying this closeness with her very much. It had been only a few weeks since they had last been together, this close, but it was incredible how much he missed her.
Rachel felt strangely comfortable with him, despite everything. She should hate him, and shouldn't let him be so close to her, but the attraction she felt was inevitable.
Suddenly, the sound of the introductory notes to Don't Rain on my Parade brings them out of their thoughts. Rachel shakes her head and tries to regain her composure as she pulls her phone out of her purse. Oh. She sees Finn's name on the screen, along with many missed calls and unread messages.
"It is Hudson" he didn't need to ask; Jesse was sure who was responsible for that interruption. He sees on her face the indecision she feels for a few seconds, before turning off the call. The truth is, he didn't know what was really going on between Finn and Rachel, but that little act gave him some hope.
"I'll call him back later" Rachel confirmed as she put her phone back in her bag. "Anyway, I think I should go back home. It's getting late and my dads don't know I'm here"
"I'll walk you to your car"
Rachel smiled slightly, before turning and heading to the side of the stage, where she had left her coat. She picks it up and returns to Jesse, who was waiting for her in the hallway of the auditorium.
They walk together silently side by side. Even though they weren't touching, they both felt a tingling, like a kind of electricity, that ran through their bodies. It was an extremely pleasant and intoxicating sensation, which left both of them wanting never to walk away again.
Jesse was the first to break the silence, not because it was awkward, but because he knew his time with Rachel was limited, and as unpleasant as the subject was, his curiosity - and his jealousy - forced him to ask.
"So, you and Hudson?"
She frowned, uncomfortable being forced to discuss this particular topic with Jesse - especially when she wasn't even clear on her situation with Finn herself. "No. I mean, it's complicated" She pauses to collect her ideas before continuing. What was she going to tell him? That the situation was complicated because she was still madly in love with him? That she was insecure about her relationship with Finn because she was comparing it to their relationship all the time, and she realized every time that Jesse was the one who understood her and Finn would hardly achieve that level of intimacy?
"We don't need to talk about this, if you're feeling uncomfortable" and there was Jesse, as always understanding her without the need for words to explain how she felt.
"Thanks" she said slowly and with a small smile. Then she grinned more widely when she thought about the next topic of conversation. "Now, your Bohemian Rhapsody"
Jesse laughed at the change of subject. Clearly, Rachel wasn't going to miss out on this opportunity to criticize his performance. And it was something that he loved about her, she always had a very clear and critical opinion when it came to music.
They kept talking all the way to the parking lot about the different performances of the competition that same day. Rachel critiqued every flaw in his Bohemian Rhapsody in detail, followed by a detailed analysis by Jesse of the songs the New Directions sang - except for Faithfully which he deliberately chose to avoid. They also cheerfully criticized Aural Intensity's performance, both agreeing that they didn't deserve the 2nd place they got. They had already arrived at Rachel's car several minutes ago, but they were so engrossed in the conversation that they could not leave it in the middle, so they kept standing there until neither of them had any pending opinions on the musical numbers they had seen that day.
"Well, I should go home by now" Rachel said with some sadness at having to say goodbye. It was amazing how much fun she had with Jesse and how fast their conversations flowed - contrary to what usually happened with Finn. Then she continued with a sincere smile "I'm glad I saw you today, Jesse"
"Me too, Rach" he said grinning, "we should do this more often" he joked repeating the same phrase he had said the day they met, after their first duet together.
Rachel just smiled shyly, before saying goodbye "See you Jesse"
"See you Rachel," she was already getting into the car when he continued, "and Rachel," he paused for a second as she looked at him intrigued. Then he sang with a smile on his face.
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye until the next time you call
And I'll be waiting
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye till I recall how to breathe
And I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you
Rachel giggled a little, slightly flushed. Only Jesse would be able to answer her with a song from the same musical. But this time it was a song full of hope and with a promise of a future. She knew that things couldn't go back to what they were, not after what happened with Shelby or the egging, but she also knew that in front of her stood the most sincere and real Jesse she had ever seen. They would never go back, but maybe they could move forward together as friends, and who knows, maybe something else.
She said goodbye for the last time before getting in the car and leaving the parking lot, leaving him standing there alone but with a ridiculous smile on his face. Had all that really happened? He knew that things weren't necessarily right between the two of them, she still had a lot to process, and he was willing to wait as long as it took, if it meant the possibility of at least a friendship with her. He knew that she was still very hurt, and that it would not be quick to regain her trust after everything that happened, but after today, he was hopeful.