[A/N: Reinstating the trigger warning here real quick. Lots of talk of suicide, suicidal ideation, graphic depictions of self harm in various forms. If you're struggling with any of these things please seek professional help and stay safe.]
[On a lighter note, this is my first fic! Please be nice. I've technically written stuff before but I've never publicly posted fics before. So like, oops if it's bad. Hope you guys enjoy anyways! :) ]
"Oi, Mob. You doing alright today?"
The boy's head flinched up, meeting eyes with his mentor. He had a look of vague concern in his face, an eyebrow raised and his head gently tilted. The young esper had been less attentive than usual today, and to be frank for the past week or so. Reigen brushed off the other instances, chocking it up to being flooded with homework or whatever troubles the teenagers were bogged down with these days. However, today in particular, the boy was staring mindlessly down at his work, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He tapped his pencil on the page absently, unable to make any progress.
"Oh. Uh, yes. I'm alright." the esper replied, Reigen squinting his eyes a bit in disbelief. He waved his hand dismissively.
"Maybe it's best if you head home for the day, hm? You seem out of your element today, which I can't have if we get another client today. Wouldn't want to make the customer unhappy with an unsatisfactory result, hm?" Reigen explained, crossing his leg over the other, "I'm sure I'll be fine. Besides, I've got Serizawa here for assistance if I need it, right?"
The other esper in the room flinched as well, in the midst of some of his own schoolwork.
"Ah- yes! Certainly, Reigen-san."
"Fantastic. So, how's about you head home then, kay?" he said again with a smile. It's not like declining would get him anywhere anyways, so Mob didn't really have a choice but to agree.
"...If you insist. Thank you, Shishou." Mob muttered, gathering his things rather sloppily and stuffing them into his bag, shuffling his way out of the office. The door shut with a click that reverberated softly in the tile hallway.
A few moments later however, the sound of the door reopening caught Mob's attention. He peered behind himself.
"Excuse me, Kageyama-senpai…" the older esper started, fidgeting with the edge of his suit jacket.
"Oh, Serizawa-san...what is it?" Mob questioned. Serizawa's face crinkled slightly at the odd tone in Mob's voice.
"Well…. I do hate to pry, and you by no means need to delve any deeper into this but… are you sure you're doing alright?"
A thread holding one of Serizawa's buttons in place began to loosen and unravel due to the disturbance.
"...I told Shishou already, I'm alright. Just a bit tired, I guess."
Serizawa had a hard time pushing down his unease.
"...I understand, but… Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but when you say you're tired...is it genuine exhaustion? Or...are you just saying that to cover up how you actually feel?"
The hallway was unreasonably chilly.
"I mean, I know that sort of rhetoric. Saying you're tired or stressed, when in actuality there's a lot more under the surface… It's an easy way to brush it off and not worry those around you."
Mob was refusing to make eye contact with him.
" - Again, I'm terribly sorry if I'm looking too much into this. I just….had a feeling." he finished, biting the inside of his cheek.
Mob turned his head slightly, more in Serizawa's direction but still not locking eyes.
"...I'm not too sure myself, if I'm being honest." Mob admitted, quietly shuffling his shoe on the dirty tile, "My mind's been wandering more lately, wandering to...darker places than usual. I don't quite understand…But, it's my burden to bear, I think. I'll be fine."
He balled his fists, pointing his gaze down at the floor. The older esper cautiously stepped forward, hovering his hand over Mob's shoulder for a moment in a wordless question of permission, the other tugging his shoulder back in opposition. Serizawa reeled his hand back.
"Kageyama, I… I understand that. I've certainly been in a place like that before. Please, don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Be it me, Reigen-san, your friends and family… you've got a lot of people that care and support you. Even if they're not the best with advice or comfort… sometimes just talking about it can take the edge off."
Mob's eyes looked up at the man, deader and dryer than usual.
"...Thank you, Serizawa-san. I think… for now though, I just want to go home." he hummed, turning away.
"...Please take care, Kageyama."
"Mhm."
His footsteps were deafening in the hallway as he exited. Serizawa's stomach felt sour.
The esper quietly slid back into the office, turning the handle of the door all the way before pressing it back into place, and slowly releasing it. Reigen could tell the air was a bit different than before.
"Hey, you alright Serizawa?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and eyeing him over his laptop, "What'd you say to Mob?"
The esper wrung his hands as he made his way back over to his own desk and sat down, eyeing his schoolwork with a familiar confusion.
"...Reigen-san, are you making sure Kageyama has the resources he needs?"
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Mob leaned back in his desk chair, the lamp on the table the only thing illuminating the room. His eyes drifted aimlessly across the surface of the desk. Over his unfinished homework, the stray eraser shavings, the small collection of trinkets given to him over the years.
Something inside of his body itched.
Processing and dealing with emotions was the most difficult thing for him to accomplish, so thoughts like these plaguing his mind were not all too welcome. As if he hadn't done already socially, he wished occasionally that he could just get rid of his feelings entirely. It would certainly save him a lot of trouble. A lot of turmoil. A lot of damage to others.
That was the worst part to him, honestly.
The concept of his emotions growing so out of hand that he'd yet again hurt people he cared about was something that troubled him 24/7. Esper or not, almost every time his emotions got the better of him it was a downward spiral from there. If only he could trim them away like the fat on an animal, leaving nothing but the tasteless meat behind. It would make his life easier. It would make everyone's lives easier.
He rested his eyes on the crafting knife tucked into his cup full of pencils.
Hm.
The sound of the door being knocked upon made him blink out of his thoughts, craning his head to see his brother poking his head in the door.
"Hey, it's dinner time." Ritsu told him with a barely noticeable smile.
"...Oh, I'm… not hungry right now. Sorry."
Ritsu furrowed his brow.
"Are you feeling ok? I've never seen you turn down dinner unless you're not feeling well…" he hummed, stepping into the room and approaching his brother.
"I'm fine, it's ok. Just not hungry." Mob insisted, pulling himself away from Ritsu. The younger brother reached his hand out to rest it against Mob's forehead, the older jerking away at his touch and scrunching his eyes shut. Ritsu reeled his hand back quickly.
"I'm fine, I promise. I just want...j-just leave me alone for now, please?" Mob pleaded, his voice sounding pained. Ritsu was most definitely on high alert now.
"...Nii-san…" he started, trying to find the words to say but nothing coming past his lips. His eyes darted a bit. Mob had already turned away to face his schoolwork again.
Ritsu caught his eye on the craft knife. It sat so innocently in the cup. He kept his eyes on his brother to block out the incoming thoughts.
"Ritsu! Shige! What's taking you?" their mother called from the bottom of the steps.
"Just a second-!" Ritsu replied, pointing his gaze back at his brother.
"...Lemme know if you need anything, ok? Don't...feel scared to ask." he told Mob softly, instinctively reaching to pat his shoulder but hesitating and pulling his hand back after a moment.
"...Mhm."
Ritsu kept his eyes on his brother until the door shut behind him.
"Oh? Is Shige not eating tonight?" his mother asked as Ritsu descended the stairs.
"Uh, no. He said he...wasn't hungry."
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Harsher clouds swarmed the sky as Mob stared up at his bedroom ceiling, the rumble of thunder halfway soothing his mind. He turned in his bed, eyes resting on the gap between the floor and his door. The light was on in the hallway, ever so slightly lighting up a fraction of the room.
He wished someone would turn that off.
He wished many, many things. Things he'd rather not even consider or let linger, but that was a wish unfulfilled. Unfulfilling as the days that passed by and the passersby he let down and let go. Letting go of things wasn't his strong suit, the lingering and considering and the memories etched into each cell in his mind. Cells he prayed would die, prayed and wished something could happen. But the fear of the action itself and the fear of disappointing those around him was far too grand to even consider or linger on those thoughts. Maybe, thought the fly, something small. Something that no one would notice. Or perhaps, only the keenest of eyes. But, as much as he wished, many of the people he knew were rather keen.
Plus, he wore short sleeves and shorts too often. That'd be another level of disappointment for the Body Improvement club.
And even if he tried to hide it, what good would it even do? How much of the edge would it really take off? Why was he thinking about this so intensely for so long? Was the chasm of despair this deep that this was his last resort? Besides, if people did eventually find out, they'd be disappointed too. Not just the club. His parents. Ritsu. Tome. Teru. Serizawa. Shishou.
Was the cost of disappointing everyone you know and love greater or lesser than breaking your skin to let the steam out like a dumpling?
… The thought only reminded Mob that he didn't eat. His stomach churned.
He groaned, rolling himself over and curling in on himself, squeezing his eyes shut. The thunder rumbled gently again, easing the tensions in his shoulders and his mind, for now at least. Perhaps the fly would reconsider.
He found it hard to get to sleep with spiders haunting his dreams.
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"Eh? What're you doing here, Mob-kun? Isn't the rest of your club out running?" Tome asked, looking up from her book as the sound of the door.
"Mm, yes. I told President Musashi I needed the day off, I'm just...feeling a bit fatigued today. I hope it's alright if I hang out in here for a bit." Mob hummed, setting his book bag down near their table and taking a seat.
"Yeah, of course! I mean technically this is still your club room." Inukawa says with a smile, reaching his hand over to pat Mob's shoulder, the esper jerking away at the touch.
"...Thanks." he said softly, rifling through his messy bag to find his homework. He at the very least should spend his time wisely.
The droning of the fluorescent light above and the little blips of Inukawa's game and Kijibayashi's crunching on his snacks and the subtle squeak of Saruta's chair and the scream of cicadas outside were all boring their way into Mob's mind. On any other day he could filter little inconsistencies like this out, but given his mental state that was out of the question right now. He grit his teeth, trying to push through and just focus on his work. All the numbers and letters looked like nonsense to him, twirling around on the page and mocking him for his incompetence. He blinked hard, not able to focus his brain on the lines. His eyes helplessly darted around to the others in the room, minding their own business and completely oblivious to the rising breakdown. Mob bit hard on the inside of his cheek, breathing harder through his nose. The cicadas were deafening.
"Hey, you're looking kinda faint. You want a snack?" Kijibayashi asked quietly, leaning closer to Mob and holding out a bag of chips. Mob's eyes locked on it, remembering that he skipped breakfast and lunch today as well. He bit his cheek harder.
"Oh...n-no thank you." he replied weakly, pointing all of his focus back into his homework.
"You sure..? You look like you're gonna pass out any second. D'you wanna go to the nurse…?" Kijibayashi hummed again, furrowing his brow and tilting his head.
"Yeah, you're not lookin' too hot." Tome chimed in, "I can walk you down there if you want - "
"I'm fine!" Mob snapped, his voice raising louder than he'd ever had around these four. He slapped his hand over his mouth, all eyes of the club on him. The shame sept into him like a sponge, making his heart quicken and feeling beads of sweat grow on his face. He could barely choke out an apology as he crammed his work into his bag, haphazardly scurrying over to the door and making his way out of the club room.
This was messing with him more than he planned. He could barely function in anyone's presence for more than ten minutes without making a fool of himself. He struggled to steady his breathing as he stumbled down the hallway, accidentally bumping into a few roaming students. He coughed up more apologies as he went, his eyes losing focus of where he was going. Mob huffed, leaning himself against a wall to catch his breath, gripping his chest harshly.
… It didn't matter. His physical struggle and his mental state didn't matter. Everything was fine. He was perfectly fine. He'd just push through. He always did. And if he didn't, then he would anyways. His feelings didn't matter. How pointless were they, anyways? He didn't have anything to be so screwed up over. He knew plenty of people that had it so much worse. He was a coward and a crybaby for getting so worked up over something this stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Perfectly fine. Everything. Everything was perfectly fine.
"...N-nii-san!"
Mob forced himself to look up. Ritsu jogged over to him, attempting to put a hand on his arm but remembering the night before.
"Good god, you look terrible right now...what happened?" he pressed, his voice thick with worry.
"...N-nothing, I'm… I'm just tired." Mob whimpered, knowing Ritsu wasn't going to take that as an answer but had no other options crop up in his brain.
"There's no way that's just fatigue, nii-san… We should get you to the nurse. Can I hold onto you - ?"
"N-no-!" Mob yelped, yanking away from Ritsu entirely, stumbling backwards, "I'm fine-! I just...wanna go home-! Yeah! I want to...to go home." he wheezed, the light of the sunset painting his face.
Ritsu's face was lightly crumpled. Mob's heart sank.
"...Nii-san, please, we've been over this… please tell me if something's wrong. You know I'm here to listen. Always. I just want to help."
Another word out of Ritsu and it might all be over. Mob felt the corners of his eyes get wet and squeezed his eyes shut.
"I'm fine! I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine! Just believe me for once - !" he cried, rearing around the other direction and bolting down the hall, regretting his words with every single step he took. The clap of his shoes against the floor rang louder and louder and somehow the cicadas managed to shriek right in his ear. He could no longer withhold any tears in his body, hoping that nobody would notice with how fast he was running.
Of course, the one thing he failed to take into consideration was how low his energy level really was. By the time he was on the road home he could barely catch his breath. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He had to keep running. If he stopped running, then everything would catch up to him. He had to. He had to. Any other choice would be pointless. They didn't matter. Nothing did. One foot in front of the other, one foot -
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Mob woke up in his own bed.
He wearily sat himself up, his whole body aching and his head throbbing. His eyes glazed over his room, illuminated only by his desk lamp. His eyes caught on something next to him, pointing his attention to it. On the ground laid a protein bar and a bottle of water, with a note tucked under the bar. He took a look at it.
Please eat something when you wake up. I told Mom and Dad how you were feeling and got them to call you out sick tomorrow. I'm in my room if you need me.
~ Ritsu
Mob scrunched his face again, flopping his head back on his pillow. As much as he'd like to eat something, he felt it would defeat the purpose.
Plus, he didn't deserve it.
Mob felt his phone go off in his pocket.
He clicked it on, squinting his eyes to readjust to the newfound brightness. It was a text from Shishou. Several, in fact. Mob groaned, realizing he didn't let him know he wasn't going to be in today. Not that he could, seeing as how he was out cold. His heart throbbed nervously.
Shishou [at 16:32]
Oi, you around this evening? We've got a client with a real bad spirit haunting her shower. Says she can't use it cuz she thinks the spirit's peeping on her. Tell me when you're on your way.
Shishou [at 17:02]
You coming? It's real serious.
Shishou [at 17:13]
Mooooob.
He was awfully buggy for something so small.
Shishou [at 17:30]
Don't worry about it. I'm taking Serizawa with me instead.
Mob wondered why he needed him so badly, Serizawa seemed just as capable of exercising spirits as he was…
Shishou [at 21:45]
Hey, don't worry about coming in for the rest of the week. You're not in any trouble, just figured you'd need a break. Serizawa told me you were in a bit of a rough patch. Take care of yourself, kid. Call me if you need anything.
He didn't think he deserved Shishou at this rate, either.
Mob didn't think he'd have the capacity to form a decent and coherent response, so he'd unfortunately have to leave him on read. He hoped that didn't make him mad. Not that it ever has before, but knowing his luck lately, who knows.
Just before he set his phone down again, he got another message. From someone else this time.
Hanazawa [at 21:48]
Heyyyy howre you doing today kageyama? wanted to see if youd like to hang out after school tomorrow ;)
Oh, no. Mob wasn't prepared for this. He'd feel especially terrible turning Teruki down, but with all things considered there'd be no way he could follow through. His parents wouldn't let him leave most likely, not to mention Ritsu probably having him on lockdown. And the obvious reason of, well…
… But, maybe, just maybe…
You [at 21:50]
I'm fine. We can maybe hang out tomorrow. I'm feeling a bit under the weather but maybe I can convince my parents to let me go out.
Teru's typing bubble came up almost instantly, like he was sitting there waiting for Mob to reply. Not unlike him though, he figured.
Hanazawa [at 21:51]
Oh no! whats wrong? do you want me to bring you some medicine or anything?
You [at 21:51]
No. It's not like that, I've just been tired lately.
Hanazawa [at 21:52]
Im sorry :( but hey, maybe seeing a good friend will cheer you up! where do you wanna meet tomorrow? or should i come to your house?
Mob crossed his fingers and his heart that maybe Teruki was right. The spiders said to not be so optimistic.
You [at 21:54]
Maybe just come to my house. We can maybe take a walk or just be in my room. Whatever you'd like.
Hanazawa [at 21:55]
Sounds like a plan! you try and get some rest ok kageyama? take care 3 ill see you tomorrow :)
Mob wished so deeply that he had friends that didn't care this much about him. Cold and silent tears streamed down his face as he turned on his side and tried to sleep.
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This didn't last long however, as Mob found himself sitting on the edge of his toilet in the black hours of the night. The storm was still roaring outside, the single window in the bathroom occasionally flooding the room with hot white light as the thunder crashed. The only other light source was Mob's own powers, not wanting a light bright enough to potentially stir anyone. The door was locked and there was a towel pressed against the bottom of the door frame for good measure. The boy's heart was racing.
He looked over to the counter. He lifted up the craft knife with a wave of his finger.
It twirled around loosely in his psychic grasp, the light glinting against the plastic cap and the blade sheathed inside. The thunder boomed again and startled Mob, making him almost drop the knife. He gripped it tight, reaching with his hand to take the knife from his violet hold and thumb his fingers across the base of it.
He wasn't supposed to use his powers to hurt people, anyways.
He leaned back against the tank of the toilet, contemplating if he even wanted to follow through. He initially turned down the idea of it, seeing as how his arms and legs were typically exposed at a variety of times. He also didn't want to draw unwanted attention by wearing long sleeves to the Body Improvement club. He rubbed his face groggily. Perhaps he could get away with it if they were high enough up on his thigh. His running shorts only came about a third of the way up.
He tugged his pajama pant leg up, rolling it up as high as it would go and adjusting accordingly to keep it in place. The odd light from the storm shone into the room, little shadows of raindrops being cast into the walls and floor. Mob looked into his other hand again, hesitating heavily before popping the cap off the craft knife. He peered down at his leg.
…Was this going to satisfy him?
Wasn't the point of things like this to relieve stress or tension, to crack the pressure that had built up inside of him all this time. If it was supposed to help him, why was he so scared about it?
His hand was very unsteady.
He carefully brought the blade down to his leg, grasping his thigh with the other one to direct the pain elsewhere when needed. His breathing was uneasy.
Lightning flashed.
He pressed down.
He bit his lip tightly, digging his nails into the skin as the blade dragged across and broke it further. Mob squeezed his eyes shut, lifting the knife away from the wound quickly. He peeked one open to see the damage, a clean slice across the surface. Clean as in well cut, seeing as how blood was beading and dripping down the sides of his leg. His breathing was ragged, but… an odd force pushing him to do it again. He was in a haze, squeezing the blade tighter. Maybe it did feel good, and he just didn't realize it yet. Maybe the gratification was more delayed than he thought.
He brought the blade down again. The steps repeated.
And again.
And again.
And again, deeper.
And again, quicker.
He was beginning to feel faint.
He lost control of his grip and the knife slipped from his slick fingers and clatted on the floor. Thankfully, the thunder had roared at the right time and covered the noise up. Mob blearily looked down at his lacerated thigh. His vision was cloudy from pain and tears, and his whole body felt heavy. He pawed at the wall next to him for toilet paper, smearing blood on it. Shit. Shit, he had a lot to clean up. He needed to do it quickly, the absolute worst ending was to pass out right here in the bathroom with all the evidence. He struggled to wipe all the blood off of himself, especially considering how dark it was in the room. He attempted to light it more with his powers, but even the slightest flicker made his head throb and almost knocked him out on the spot. He heaved, whimpering as he tried to clear away this scene.
He didn't lay back in bed until half an hour later.
He weakly ran through a checklist in his brain. He'd wiped away all the blood he could see, wrapped his leg up tightly, made sure his hands and the knife were washed, flushed all the tissues down the toilet. Yes. He figured he'd gotten away with it well enough.
As his mind slipped out of consciousness, he still wondered when the relief would come.
Oh well.
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The sound of the old door creaking open stirred the esper, groaning in pain as things were really catching up to him. He flopped his face into his pillow to avoid talking to whoever had entered.
"...Morning, nii-san."
This was going to be a long day.
Ritsu made his way over to the side of Mob's bed, crouching and crossing his legs. Mob rolled to the side again to face away from him.
"Uh- did you...see my note from last night?" Ritsu asked softly, noticing the untouched snacks and the note tucked neatly back under the protein bar as if nothing had happened.
"...Well, nevermind that. If you didn't read it, then I let Mom and Dad know you weren't feeling well and they called you off of school today. I'm about to head out myself, so I just...wanted to check in before I did."
The silence was deafening as Ritsu searched for any of the right words, if such words even existed. Mob's stomach groaned agonizingly and unfortunately loudly. He curled in on himself.
"...Please try and eat something today. I don't know when the last time you ate was. Do you want something different - ?" Ritsu started, picking himself up and padding over to the snacks from the night before, "I guess I grabbed these since they'd be the best for your health, but uh - Do you want some milk? Some little oranges? Really, anything. I-I'm sure Mom can make you something if you asked! What...wh-whatever you want!"
He was faltering.
"She- mmm...y-yeah, yeah, she can...uhh, whatever. Whatever will...you'll eat. Please. Please eat something." he squeezed out, clearly tearing up from his tone. There you go again, Mob. Disappointing people to tears again. When are you going to learn and stop hurting people?
"...I'm gonna...leave now. Pl- mm, just...take care of yourself today. Lemme...know if you...mmnn." Ritsu choked, making his way out of the room in a hurry and clicking the door closed behind him.
Just disappear. Just vanish off the face of the earth. If all you were going to do was hurt people then what's the point of even being here? You're doing nobody any favors. Look at what you've done to your own brother. He's so worried he looks like he's going to puke. All because of your selfishness. Maybe if you didn't think of anyone but yourself you wouldn't be in this mess, huh?
Every roach and centipede and ant in the house cried out to him. Urging him to do it. It didn't matter anymore. Why were you so scared?
Mob's phone chimed. He realized how badly he was sweating and how heavy he was breathing.
He slowly sat himself up, rubbing his face groggily and processing his surroundings more. His eyes finally landed on his phone, resting at the edge of his bed. He shakily reached over and picked it up, nothing but anxiety coursing through him as he worried who it was. He clicked it on.
...Oh. It was Teruki.
Hanazawa [at 7:03]
Hi kageyamaaa! just reminding you about later today, ill swing by right after school, be there around 4 tonight ok? 3
An odd sense of comfort washed over him. Right, right. He had to see Teruki. He had to. He couldn't do anything, or even consider anything before that…
His stomach churned again loudly. Mob keeled over at the pain, making a small whine at it all. He figured that… maybe just a small snack would be ok. Just something to not look as sickly and worry Teru as little as possible.
He reached for the protein bar.
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"Shige! You have a visitor, come downstairs!"
Mob blinked. He'd been just mindlessly staring at his homework for about an hour now, making quite literally zero progress. His head was too swarmed. He bit his cheek, hoping this whole fiasco didn't mess up his grades all that much. He guessed that even if it did, his parents wouldn't be too mad at him…
But, what'd he know…
...Wait, a visitor?
He glanced at his phone, seeing a flurry of messages from Teruki and the time. He jolted, quickly scrambling to put on some decent clothes. He hadn't had the energy to change out of his pajamas yet, and scurried to get dressed. His leg throbbed and gave under him as he got up, reminding him. He took things a bit slower.
"J-just a minute-!" he called down, slinking into the bathroom to finish getting ready.
He got a good look at himself in the mirror. He put a finger underneath his eye, realizing how big the bags were. His hair was disheveled and his skin foggy. His eyes darted away, feeling awful that Teru would have to see him like this. He knew that he'd seen worse, but…
He wanted to at least seem convincing.
Mob skittered down the stairs, seeing his mother chatting idly with the blonde esper in the doorway. Teru's attention was caught, and the boy smiled widely.
"Ah, hey Kageyama-kun!" he greeted, wiggling his fingers in a wave. Another wave of relief washed over him. He didn't know what it was about Teru that made him feel this way, but for now the causation wasn't too important.
"Afternoon, Hanazawa-kun. Sorry for taking so long…"
"Not an issue. We've got plenty of time."
His mother raised an eyebrow.
"Hold on now, where do you think you're going, Shige? You don't think you're heading out after calling in sick today."
Mob gulped.
"It's just… we're just going for a little walk. Maybe some...some fresh air would help me. I-if that's ok…"
His mother thought for a minute, sighing and waving her hand.
"Well, alright then. Don't stay out too long. Hanazawa, just keep an eye on him, alright? Shige's been a bit off lately…" she said with a shoulder pat, Mob flinching away. His mother made a bit of a face but didn't pay much mind.
"Not a problem." Teru smiled, "Let's go, Kageyama!"
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.
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The breeze admittedly did feel nice on Mob's face. Because of the rain last night the air had a lovely smell to it, making it rather therapeutic. The gentle clicking of both the boy's shoes on the sidewalk was oddly nice too. The pit in his stomach grew however, unnerved and unaware of what would happen on this walk. He couldn't tell what Teruki's intentions were. Even now, some of the blonde esper's motives and ideologies confused Mob. The way he carried himself and acted towards others, they sometimes didn't click right in his brain. What if this was an intervention? What if people had been talking with Teru, behind Mob's back, whispering about how unwell he was and trying to intervene. People knew how close him and Teru were. This would have been a deliberate stab at trying to get to him. Using the person he held in such a high regard to coddle and get on his level… that thought repulsed him on a level he couldn't quite articulate.
"So...how've things been going?" Teru asked softly, clearly trying to tread carefully and be as compassionate as possible.
"...I'm fine. Just a bit tired."
Teruki sighed.
"I figured you'd say that...You know, I do talk to people, Kage. I got a...distressing text from Ritsu last night, to say the least."
Mob grit his teeth. He hated how quickly his suspicions were proven right. That also means the whole conversation they had last night was coordinated. He already knew then.
"I know you're going through something right now, but you don't have to do it alone. You've got a pretty wide support net. Any of your friends can help you. I know that… you're not the best with accepting help. I get that, as I'm sure you're well aware." he went on with a chuckle, "But that's what we're all here for. That's what… I'm here for. I worry about you more than I'd like to admit."
The two had stopped walking, pausing in the middle of the sidewalk by a telephone pole. Insects buzzed incessantly.
"...Please don't."
Mob's voice took a tone Teru hadn't heard in months. His heartbeat quickened.
"...Eh? Don't what - ?" he asked, facing the other esper with a look of worry.
Black clouds were rolling in again. Thunder crackled in the distance.
"Don't...worry about me. I'm fine." Mob muttered, staring at Teruki from under his bangs. His shoulders throbbed with little flashes of energy. The other esper gulped.
"Kage… listen, it's ok. You don't have to mask these kinds of feelings around me. You know this." he said comfortingly, taking a step closer. Mob tensed and scooted back.
"It's fine. I'm fine. It doesn't matter."
"Kage, you're...you're not fine, I can… everyone can tell."
A raindrop dripped onto Teru's nose.
"Then maybe they should look away."
Another crack of thunder. Teruki glanced away for a moment up at the sky, the clouds darkening and seeping of rain. Resting his gaze back on Mob, the leaves by his feet spiraled around his feet.
"...Why don't you want any help, Kageyama? You're suffering. I can't even tell from what, but from the looks of it it's serious. Don't you want to feel better? Everyone is here offering their hands to you and you keep batting them away. I just don't understand."
Mob was cracking again. He wasn't going to let this break him. He's fine. He'd be fine. He was always fine. If he wasn't fine, what was even the point of existing?
"I'm fine. Really. I promise."
"You're not! I'm sorry Kage, but you're just not fine! Look at yourself! This isn't the same Kageyama I met before. This isn't the same one who snapped me out of my haze. This isn't the same one who took down Scar and Claw and countless things inbetween… Where did he go?"
"Do you hate me, Hanazawa-kun?"
Teruki flinched. The sky and the boy across from him sparked.
"Do you hate what I've become? Do you hate that I'm not as seemingly stable as I was before? That when things grow darker and I begin to slip, all you can say is that something is missing? Am I not your Kageyama anymore? Am I just some entity now that you can't even address as your friend? What's wrong with you, Hanazawa-kun?"
Teru was at a complete loss for words. He stammered to speak, but nothing but salt and petals came out. Mob's eyes flickered.
"Why? Why won't you just let nature take its course? Why won't you just let me rot like the rest of them? Why are you so focused on fixing me? Am I that broken? Am I that wrong that you can't bear to look at me? Have I become so hideous and vile that nobody can do anything but pity me?"
"...N-no, that's - "
"Then what is it?"
Teruki was too choked up to say anything. The rain began to thicken.
"...Kage, please… I… I just want to help…"
"I don't NEED YOUR HELP - ! "
A bolt of lightning crashed at a deafening volume into the telephone pole above them, the transformer exploding and bursting into flames on impact. Sparks and shrapnel came crashing down. Teru lunged forward, tackling Mob to the ground and quickly creating a barrier for them with his powers to shield them from the debris. The blonde boy coughed, pinning the other esper to the ground. Mob had the wind knocked out of him, grasping for breath as he calculated what had even happened. Upon coming to his senses though, he looked up at Teruki with scalding red eyes, shoving the boy harshly off of him.
A violet aura surrounded Mob, crackling and spinning as he got himself to his feet. The leaves and shrapnel continued to burn despite the rain, said downpour seemingly not affecting Mob as his hair fluttered and his clothes rippled.
It was breaking. Everything was falling apart. He wasn't going to be able to keep himself together for much longer now. Maybe Teru would be the real savior of the hour and put him out of his misery. He hoped and prayed and wished that he would. I knew he never would, but maybe if he wished hard enough to be wiped from existence that some divine force would grant it to him.
"Kageyama, please - ! That's not what I meant, I only want to see you smile again - ! Honest! I don't think any lower of you…" Teru choked, scrambling himself up from the ground as the rain drenched him.
"That's rather selfish of you." Mob replied, holding his hand up to create a barrier around just himself. His geiger counter clicked and crackled louder and louder.
"No, that's - Please, I don't know how to word this.. I'm sorry... " he coughed, reaching his hand out and trying to press it against the barrier. It sent a painful shock through the blonde's arm, making him cry out and stumble backwards onto the ground again.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Hanazawa-kun. I've made up my mind."
"NO - ! Listen to me, please - ! Are you really going to give up now, after so much? You're stronger than this, I know it!" he pleaded, getting back on his feet and using his own powers to try and get into Mob's barrier. He ran head on towards the boy, forming a shield just in the front and grabbing the inside of it to channel the power outwards, air whips sprouting from Teru's hand placement and trying to puncture the violet barrier.
"How do you know that? Is that just a conclusion you made on your own?"
"Look, I don't know every single thing you've been through! But I know you, Kageyama! I know you always try to see the best of things, and be a positive force in everyone's life!"
The asphalt below them snapped and broke underneath their power, practically locking their hands together to push each other back. Mob was outweighing him, however. Teru faltered.
"Did you never consider that I was trying to put on a face for people?"
"But you DON'T! I-I mean, maybe you do! But everything I've seen, you always have such a heart-to-heart with these people you're trying to help!"
Mob grit his teeth harsher, seemingly snarling at his best friend.
"You don't understand. You never did. You never will. No one ever will. Nothing will ever matter again. I'm just fine."
Another shockwave sent Teruki flying in the opposite direction, the esper slamming into a collection of trash cans on the curb. He whimpered as he tried to catch his breath. He could only be on the defensive. He didn't want to hurt his friend. That would defeat the purpose of it all and only prove to Mob his suspicions.
Blood trickled down his nose. The barrier around only grew thicker and more erratic. Teruki feared he was going to explode at this rate. Despite its thickness, the barrier yielded small cracks that grew larger as Mob's state decayed. In a hasty and reckless plan, Teru struggled to his feet once more, his body throbbing with pain and energy.
The geiger counter was spiralling out of control.
Mob's inner turmoils were manifesting into something more violent than he could control. No, no, he couldn't. He didn't want to let that out. Despite everything, he refused to completely lose himself and strained to keep his power in check. It was reaching its limit, however. Another attempt out of Teruki and everything would crumble for sure.
He couldn't fill the cracks in his barrier. His face was leaking.
Teruki got into position, bracing himself.
The thunder crashed.
"GET AWAAAAAY - !"
100%
Futility.
Shigeo screamed, his barrier's surface sending out a fierce discharge rocketing towards Teruki. Teru however, was rocketing directly towards him in a full sprint. Crashes of lightning hit the ground around him and destroyed the road below, but the esper just kept running. He had to keep running. If he stopped running, then everything would catch up to him. The bolt hit the ground directly at his feet, the pavement buckling itself upward and launching Teru into the air. He used every drop of his powers to recalculate his angle and readjusted towards his friend again. Mob clapped his hands over his face, unable to face the full brunt of Teruki's attack. He dug his feet into the ground, cracking the road deeper and installing himself into it. Every shred of his power was dedicated towards stopping Teru at all costs. He was mortified of what would happen if he got through. Even the concept of death began to frighten him as nerves began to strike right. He could never place what escape he truly wanted inside, but this wasn't it. This was never it. He never stopped to consider what would happen to the rest of the world if he wiped himself away. Everyone he knew and loved, everyone who had ever given him a second glance, a hand in the right direction, a shoulder to lean on. Everyone… everyone would be…
So disappointed.
Teruki breached the barrier. Time seemed to stop.
He wrapped his arms tightly around Shigeo.
The power inside the barrier continued to shred his clothes and scrap up his body, but he wasn't going to let go no matter what. Shigeo was all that mattered to him. If he was going to take himself out, he was going down with him. He wasn't going to let him be alone. Not anymore. He'd suffered for too long, he couldn't keep turning a blind eye towards him anymore.
However, everything was going white.
.
.
.
Mob peeled his eyes open.
He was incredibly sore, far too sore to move and especially too sore to sit up. All he could do was turn his head a bit to the sides.
The first thing he noticed was his best friend firmly planted on top of him, his arms still wrapped around him. Teru was breathing, if not lightly. He seemed to be unconscious. Mob raises his eyes to gather the rest of his surroundings. The storm had mostly passed, the sky still scattered with grey clouds and patches of sunset peeking through. The ground was still very wet, puddles resting in the several cracks and craters littering the road. The two of them laid inside a rather massive crater, Mob's body making a boy shaped indentation in the pavement.
He brought his attention back to Teruki.
...He did all of this just to stop him from breaking, to save him from himself. Risking his life… just for him…
"...Hana...zawa-kun…?" Mob coughed out, his voice more hoarse than he planned. He pried an arm out from being embedded in the ground, gently resting it on Teru's hair, giving it a little ruffle to try and wake him up. The blonde didn't budge at first, but soon made a low groan as he came to his senses. He shifted awkwardly, clearly also just as sore as Mob was. He nuzzled his face lightly into Mob's chest, a seemingly involuntary action, and finally lifted up his head and pried his own eyes open. He blinked down at the esper. His tired face changed to one of relief, grinning softly.
"Hey, there you are, Kageyama. Glad to see you're ok. You sure spooked me there for a bit, hahah." he hummed, taking a second to retrieve one of his arms and place his hand on Mob's cheek, gently running his thumb over it. The action was so soft and genuine it made Mob want to cry again.
Teruki slowly leaned back to sit himself up, stretching loudly as he did. Even Mob could hear some of his joints click. But at the same time, that might be broken bones. He struggled to stand himself up, almost falling down but being caught by what little powers Mob had left.
"Man, I'm gonna need to call in sick for a few days too…" Teru chuckled, holding his hand out, "Here."
Mob hesitantly reached for his hand, refraining for a moment before cautiously taking it. The blonde esper helped him up off the ground, taking some doing since he was still half lodged in the ground like a pebble on the bottom of a sneaker.
Teru dusted himself off, most of his clothes torn to shreds but still clinging on by scraps and threads. He pinched the damaged frays and inspected the worst parts of his clothes.
"You really did a number on me, Kage… I'll have to hit up the thrift store this weekend. Maybe you can join me, if you'd like." he mumbled, finally looking up at Mob.
His head was pointed down at his shoes, balling his fists and shaking. He let out a shuddery breath, wiping his face in the crook of his elbow.
"...Hana...Hanazawa-kun… I'm…" he choked out, his throat too clenched to finish his sentence. The soft touch of Teruki's hand on his shoulder seemed to be his breaking point however, Mob whimpered and butted his head into Teru's chest. He weakly wrapped his arms around him, sniffling. Muffled apologies poured out of him, squeezing him tighter as they came.
Teru gently shushed him, holding him back closely and running his fingers through his hair.
"It's ok, it's ok… you don't need to say anything. Everything's ok now. I'm right here." he muttered softly, the wind carrying the therapeutic scent of the rain around them once again. Teru shivered, processing how cold it was with half of his skin exposed. He squeezed Mob closer for warmth. Mob dug his nails into what was left of Teru's jacket, racked with uncontrollable sobs. He hurt inside and out. Water was seeping into his shoes.
" - NII-SAN!"
Mob really didn't want to move, but he felt like he owed his brother some semblance of a proper apology.
Upon pulling away from Teruki and turning, not only was Ritsu standing there with wide eyes, but Reigen and Serizawa as well, assessing the damages the two espers had made to the road. Shishou seemed almost impressed, his fingers splayed on his face in a thoughtful pose, whereas Serizawa seemed rather nervous and even using his own powers to try and piece the road back together.
"My god, are you alright, nii-san - ? Wh-what - " Ritsu huffed as he approached, out of breath, "G-god, I… I got home early to...to check on - I didn't… you were gone, there was… it wasn't thunder. It was too loud. Your room, you…I didn't… God, your little…" he trailed off slightly, softening his voice down to a choked whisper.
"I didn't see your little...your little craft knife. In the pencil holder. I heard - I heard the noises again, I… I had to go and...a-and get your… mmnn…" he whined, tears dribbling down his cheeks. Mob pointed his gaze away from his brother, not even able to look him in the eyes. He swallowed.
"... I'm ok. I… I got a little carried away. I'm sorry." was all he could muster, seemingly summarizing every point his brother brought up. Mob didn't sense a single fiber of anger or disappointment in his brother however, contradicting his expectations.
"...As long as you're ok. That's all that matters." Ritsu squeezed out, a pained but caring smile growing on his face. He shifted, pondering something briefly before opening his arms up for a hug, "...If you're ok with one, that is."
Mob wished he'd run out of tears already. They just kept coming.
He embraced his brother firmly, the psychic and esper approaching the group. Reigen was still assessing the damages.
"You sure blew off some steam, eh Mob?" his mentor joked, getting a bit of a glare from Teruki. Reigen pursed his lips and just rested his hand on Mob's head and gave it a quick ruffle.
"Glad you're doing better though, kid. Good to have you back."
Serizawa contracted his fingers with his hand pointed skyward, fixing the transformer that had exploded earlier. He fiddled with his hands a bit before giving Mob a pat on the back and smiling.
"Here, if you don't mind."
Teru had come to his little conclusion, using a little blip of his power to grab all four of them together to encase Mob in a group hug. The two adults squeezed their arms around Ritsu and Teru, Mob being sandwiched between them and feeling the comforting pressure from every angle.
"There. We're all here for you, Kage. Don't forget that." Teru hummed, resting his head on Mob's shoulder and giving his eyes another well deserved close.
Mob could only bury his face into his brother's shoulder more, staining his shirt with tears. Nothing he could say would be able to convey his gratitude correctly.
A butterfly shifted its feet and fluttered off.