A/N: Long story short, I don't do well with deadlines when it comes to writing. Sorry this took so long to post and my lack of Eremika week content.

I originally rewrote this right after reading ch138, so time loop theory coming in hot. While the main story beats are still the same, a lot has been changed, added, and taken away to make the new ending work well, so if you've read my story Before I Wake, I encourage you to read all of this one instead of waiting for the new ending. If you have not read Before I Wake, it is not required to understand this so have fun!

I want to share the burden of your sins with you.

Mikasa's eyes fluttered open with a gasp, darting around the darkness of the room, unsure of just where she was; but as her heartbeat settled, pain falling away, so did her mind, coherence bringing her to the present which was in bed next to Eren. With clarity of the mind came the clarity of her body and just how disagreeable the position she found herself as she laid awkwardly on a plethora of pillows she didn't remember going to sleep with.

With more effort than she cared to admit, Mikasa rolled from her back to her side, quickly realizing that the change in position was doing nothing for her already abysmal comfort levels. The room was unbearably stuffy and incredibly warm for early spring, but that could have easily been chalked up to the literal furnace that Eren's body was when he was asleep or her hormones being stupid. Honestly, it really didn't matter because there wasn't a solution to either that would make the mattress feel less lumpy, the room less hot, her back less achy, her breasts less tender, and all around improve how she felt. The weird thing was that it wasn't that she felt bad, just all kinds of uncomfortable.

Shifting her bedmate's arm back onto his side, Mikasa sat up and heaved herself from the bed. Making her way over to the window on oddly heavy feet, she silently unlatched the handle and pushed the doors open, delighting in the cool breeze that immediately swept over her. The relief of her sweaty strands being gently blown away from her face was indescribable. Just that one comfort seemed to make all her other irritations fade into the background as she sat in the window seal, her back resting against the frame.

Though the rebuilt Shiganshina was a cozy district, it was rarely ever completely asleep. Mikasa stared off into the night taking note of the specks of light here and there becoming denser and brighter as they got closer to the center of town, the elevation of their home providing an excellent view. Lost in watching small figures move about the night and trying to grasp the remnants of her dream, she didn't notice Eren had awoken until a tanned arm came to rest around her midsection as warm lips pressed against the side of her forehead.

She turned her head to him, nose nuzzling against his, letting warm breath caress her face. Her grays met his sleepy greens through her lashes and she pushed her lips gently to his, a hand coming to rest over his heart.

"Why are you awake," he questioned once she pulled away and laid her head against his chest to listen to his so very alive heartbeat.

"I just couldn't sleep, too uncomfortable." Eren immediately dropped down to a knee, placing a hand on either side of her swollen belly.

"Is my sweetling keeping you up?" Mikasa wasn't sure she'd ever get used to him wearing such affection.

"Not necessarily," she murmured combing her fingers through his strands, unable to give voice to what the real problem was. "By the way, we should discuss boy names at some point."

"Why?"

"Because, despite your father being a doctor, you are not. Therefore, there is no way you can know with absolute certainty that we are having a girl."

"But –

"No matter what old wives tales your older admires tell you in the market," she smirked.

"I'm not just listening to my elders who have way more experience with childbirth than we do, thank you very much, but also my gut too."

"Your gut," Mikasa deadpanned, an eyebrow quirked down at her kneeling husband.

"Yes, my gut. Trust me on this. This baby is a girl. Now," Eren stood up sliding his hands to her hips, "if our little Carla has a sibling or four –

"Four?!"

"Then we can talk about boy names."

"You want four more kids before we've even had one," she pressed, her tone incredulous.

"I want our family to be as big as we can make it," he pouted glancing into the darkened room as if it would hide the flush on his cheeks. Mikasa's heart squeezed pleasantly in her chest at the sight. It was another thing she might never get used to, having him like this, that is. Him wanting her and everything she's ever desired the same way she's imagined for so long. After so many years of tragedy and hardship, this felt like a dream, like it could vanish at any moment, slipping from her grasp and leaving nothing but memories behind. Still, times like these reminded her that against all odds they had made it here. Pushing herself up on her toes, she turned her head just so to kiss him again, to feel the skin of his lips on her own and poured in all the love she could muster. She and him were real. This was real.

"I want our family to be large too," she whispered, a gentle smile playing on her lips, "but let's just focus on this one baby for now and learn how to be good parents." He nodded determinedly in that way only he could.

"Well in that case, good parents make sure their kid gets enough sleep, right?" She rolled her eyes at the insinuation.

"You know, just because I'm asleep doesn't mean the baby will go to sleep, right?"

"Doesn't hurt to try, though. Back to bed with you," he entreated pulling the window closed behind them and guiding her back over to the bed where she amusedly allowed him to tuck her into the covers and pull her pregnant figure against him. Eren was out like a light, falling asleep before she even had a chance to fully relax her body. Rubbing gentle circles into the hand he had on her waist, she hoped to soothe him back to sleep. Mikasa felt bad that he woke up to see about her given how tired he was at the end of each day since he started working with the newest class of recruits. Her eyes wandered around the room capturing the swirls and grains of the wood. She wouldn't get up again, but definitely had no plans of drifting to unconsciousness.

What she couldn't tell Eren was that it wasn't all the baby's fault she couldn't sleep but the dreams. The dreams where he left her and didn't come back no matter how hard she fought. Dreams where all their friends died or fell to worse fates. Dreams where she ended up having to do the unthinkable. They plagued her sleep every night now and Mikasa was afraid that she would eventually wake up in a bleak reality where one or all of those scenarios were true. Every time she opened her eyes from sleep, it took excruciatingly long seconds to realize it wasn't real, that she was here and not there.

So no, Mikasa decided she would not be sleeping that night. She would suffer through the heat and awkwardness of her pregnant body if only to give her wits and heart a break. It was her years of practiced discipline in the military that allowed her to stay awake and ignore any discomfort until the colors of sunrise began filtering through the window. It was that discipline that allowed her to push through the preparation of breakfast until she no longer felt the fatigue weighing her down.

Before long, she was setting out plates, and Eren was coming out dressed for the day. She turned to greet him, but quickly looked away. Today, blood ran down his neck from where it had been cleanly sliced, as if by the blades they used with ODM gear.

"Everything alright?" She could hear the slight uncertainty in his tone and closed her eyes briefly to will away the unease. No matter how many different wounds she'd seen on him, Mikasa would always be unnerved by them whether they were in her head or really on his body.

"Yeah, everything is good." Turning back around she fixed him with a small smile, relieved that the bloody imagery was gone. Sometimes it lasted seconds. Sometimes it lasted what felt like hours. "Sit down and eat before you head to the base."

"Were you able to get back to sleep," he asked digging in.

"Mhm." She hated lying to him, and judging by the prolonged looked he gave, she didn't think he fully believed her anyway; but he didn't say anything else about it, so neither did she. There wasn't any point in worrying him over something so obviously her imagination and old worries going into overdrive. They finished their meal just quietly enjoying each other's company until it was time for him to go.

Kissing Eren goodbye when he left the house was always hard, not just because she would miss him, which she knew was silly since he was only an hour's ride away. No, when he kissed her before he left for the day, he kissed her like he was about to take her to bed. What started as a sweet peck would deepen into a molten lava that made her burn from the inside out. His hands would do a bit of wandering and touching through the thin material of her clothes, and Mikasa would be tugging him back into the door as if he had no place to be.

Ever since she really started showing, he always took extra care with her. His fire was just as intense, but in a very different way. Sometimes, she missed when he was fast and rough and bruising; but when she was feeling particularly tender and very pregnant, his concentration and meticulosity in making her body sing with fulfillment was everything she could ever need and then some.

But Eren rarely ever had plans of being late, so he'd pull away leaving her dazed and flushed and needy while he bent down to say goodbye to the baby as if he wasn't leaving her to think about having him while she washed the breakfast dishes. Like the memory wouldn't replay in her head as she went about cleaning and sweeping and taking out the trash. It certainly wasn't the noon sun making her feel all hot and bothered as she picked a few vegetables and herbs for dinner from their garden; but she tried her best to focus, not wanting to harm one of her precious plants.

Mikasa was always proud that everything in her stews, barring the meat of course, came from the rooftop garden Eren had surprised her with when they first moved into their home. She remembers the apprehension and nervousness they both felt as he led her up the stairs, his hands covering her face. When her eyes adjusted to the sudden light, she was able to take in the many differently sized planting pots and troughs as well as bags upon bags of soil.

"Do you think this will be enough for you to get started," he asked, that adorable blush painting his cheeks.

"All of this is for me?" She couldn't keep the awe from her voice.

"Who else would it be for? I told you I had a surprise for you, didn't I?" He'd done this for her. Just for her.

It was always a surprise when Eren gave her gifts. Not because it was rare but because she never expected anything more. Mikasa was more than happy with just him, but gestures like these left her overwhelmed with the knowledge that she was special to him, that they were really making this house a home for both of them. She nearly took him off his feet with the force of her embrace.

"Thank you. It's more than enough," she whispered into his shoulder trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill over.

"You're welcome," he replied equally as soft, wrapping his arms around her.

They'd found themselves up there often, whether it was for gardening. He certainly didn't have a green thumb despite her best attempts to teach him; or doing the laundry. He always made a point to help her get everything folded and put away; or looking at the beautiful scenery. She could always find him up there staring off into the distance, taking in the wall-less expanse; or taking in the star filled night sky. Her face reddened at the thought of some of the other things they'd done up there under the twinkling blanket of night. Her thighs squeezed together on their own. Maybe it was her own fault her mind was still in the gutter. It seemed to be there so often lately.

"Mikasa!"

She jumped, a bunch of carrots falling from her hands and back into the trough she picked them from.

"What, Armin," she gasped.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." The man in question apologized, his fingers twitching nervously under the stack of books he held, likely wanting to rub at his neck.

"It's fine," she sighed returning to her task as her heart calmed. "Maybe next time avoid yelling my name as if we're on different roofs." At her words he frowned, looking at her in apprehension.

"Mikasa, I called you like five times before that."

"No, you didn't. I would've heard you. How could I have missed it when you're right there?"

"I really did." Worry morphed his features. "Are…are you feeling alright," he asked glancing down at her extra passenger.

"I'm fine," she replied quickly, hoping to allay any discussion on her wellbeing, which was fine. It wasn't that she minded his worry, but it was all her boys seemed to do these days. She was pregnant not ill! "I just had something on my mind. Why don't we go inside." Standing with her basket, she led him down the steps denying his offers of help despite his already full arms.

"Everything going alright today," Armin asked as she began slicing vegetables on the counter.

"Yes, why wouldn't they be." Her tone was measured, trying to tamp down her annoyance. Of course her hopes were in vain.

"I wasn't saying they wouldn't be, just…making sure you and the baby are good."

"So it wasn't because Eren asked you to come by and check on me since you came back from Stohess last night?" She smiled at his prolonged silence. Even with her back to him, she just knew his face was all red at being called out.

"I came because I wanted to, even if he did ask. He was a bit worried because you didn't sleep well." So he hadn't believed her. Not surprising.

"I've been having some trouble sleeping. It's no big deal."

"Not saying it is. We just…we worry about you and little Carla." Her smile widened as she glanced over her shoulder.

"So, he's got you on the 'it's a girl train' as well?" Her guest had the decency to look abashed.

"Eren's so excited. It's all he ever talks about. I guess it's rubbed off on me," he chuckled.

"Mmhm and that's why he has you here babysitting me, right?"

"No! I'm not here babysitting! He just doesn't want anything to happen if you get too tired or something."

"Or something," she sighed turning to look at him, the counter digging awkwardly into her back. "I'm fine. I feel fine. The baby is fine. It's just some discomfort that makes it hard to get to sleep. That's all." The discomfort of a pounding headache for no reason, the discomfort of being unable to calm her racing heart, the discomfort of her lungs constricting as she tries to get air into her body because her mind had taken her to a different body of hers. Could she tell him the truth when she couldn't even bring herself to tell Eren? Would he have an idea why this was happening?

"Is it the baby moving around too much at night? I read that a lot of times their sleep schedules can run opposite to a normal one." The question made Mikasa pause, one hand coming to rest on her round stomach. That might actually be the case if she wasn't already awake most nights.

"While this baby is definitely their father's child," she said fondly, "they don't move around often enough at night to disrupt me. I'm actually…it's not just the baby." Turning back around, her hands swept over the cut vegetables, gathering them up and dropping the mixture into the boiling pot on the stove. "Are you staying until Eren comes back?

"Uh, yeah," he nodded distractedly. "Mikasa, what do you mean it's not just the baby?"

"Again, nothing to worry about," she started, letting the motion of stirring the broth and veggies calm her. "I just – I have these dreams. They feel so real and I…they're getting worse and it's just hard going to sleep when I know what's waiting for me."

"We all have those, Mika –

"No! Not like nightmares. I've had those, still have those. These are different. They – they…" They're bleeding over into when I'm awake now, she wanted to say; but would that make any sense because even she felt a little crazy about it.

"They what," he questioned coming to stand beside her. He always had the most calming, gentle eyes. The reassuring smile on his lips was helpful.

"Have you ever thought about how things could have gone if the war turned out differently," she asked hesitantly.

"Yeah." His look was thoughtful. "More often than I care to admit. There were so many times where it seemed like we wouldn't make it, where things seemed dire and hopeless. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to fully move forward from it."

"Armin…" He shrugged.

"I'm sure it will get better with more time. I don't have those kinds of thoughts as often as I did when I…when I first got the colossal titan. It was hard, but I eventually learned that we can't let 'what if's' keep us down. I'm doing good things now, trying my best for Paradis and the world and for us…But that's me. Why are you asking?" Mikasa shook her head, chickening out in the end. He was obviously struggling with his own problems but didn't waste time complaining to others or letting them get in the way of life. Why burden him with her own. She was a big girl. She could handle herself.

"They're just dreams like that – about how things could have been different, but you're right. We all have them. I'll get over mine too." She cut him off as he was about to say something, gripping his arm through the crisp blue shirt he wore. "But look, Armin. Don't hesitate to talk to me whenever you're feeling…stuck in one spot. I'm always here for you, whenever you need. And Eren too.

"I know." His hand came to rest over hers, giving it a squeeze. "I wasn't trying to put you off telling me what's bothering you with all that stuff I said." He looked somewhere between guilty and skeptical. It was a strange combination. One that she wouldn't let linger on his face lest the can of worms she opened exploded.

"I'm sure, Ar. I just realized that you're right, is all. You usually are, so let's not keep dwelling on it. C'mon. I need a fresh cut of meat for this stew. I know you'll be staying for dinner." He laughed sheepishly.

"Your cooking is so good, Mik. If you tell me what you want, I can go grab it for you."

"No way. Walking around is about the only physical activity I've been allowed to do lately, so let me do it," she said taking off her apron. "Besides, what kind of babysitter leaves their charge unattended."

"I'm not babysitting you!" Mikasa just hummed as they left the house. Her thoughts were free of her dilemma as she and Armin walked down the roads of their town. Listening to him excitedly talk about his trip and their plans for the next group of recruits made her heart feel a little lighter.

When Eren came in the door that evening hanging up his military jacket on the coat rack, she reveled in the sound of his heavy steps moving across their wooden floors. She smiled at the hug he gave Armin. She melted at the kiss he placed on the side of her head. She felt incredibly full at his hand on her stomach, greeting their baby. It was another warm night, but not because of the weather. Her heart brimming over, Mikasa was comforted enough to go to sleep that night. She regretted it.

Why are you crying?

She didn't know. She couldn't always remember exactly what forced her awake so suddenly; couldn't always remember what forced her to hide in the bathroom when she couldn't suppress the silent flow of tears until she could get them to stop, get the tremors of her body to calm. Mikasa didn't know whether it was a kindness that she sometimes couldn't recall things after a particular dream or a curse since her body's reaction and previous experience simply confirmed whatever it was she saw. She guesses it was just something to ponder during another hot night of staring into the darkness.

When she returned to bed, a hand settled on the sun-tanned skin of her husband's cheek, lightly tracing his sharp jawline, the small stubble tickling her hand. Sometimes it was hard to look at him because she couldn't stand how the images of him bleeding, hurting, dying overlapped with the perfectly fine version of him here. Perhaps she would spend the night staring at his handsome face, not thinking about anything else.

When the dusky grays of dawn faded into the bright yellows and oranges of morning, it always seemed to illuminate every detail of their main room and allowed her to see the small specs of dust floating in the air, the patterns in the wood of their cabinets, and just how well blood soaked into his white button up. She could see guts and entrails hanging from his abdomen, staining the floor. Bits of rock and dirt were permanently etched into his scraped up skin. Tangy saliva rushed to fill her mouth as her stomach revolted. The threads that held her apron together were surely stretching to their limits as her fingers dug into the fabric while she struggled for control.

"Woah, hey, what's wrong?" Mikasa could feel Eren's hands on her shoulders, the metallic smell of blood filling her nostrils, making her body jolt, but she squeezed her eyes closed even harder, willing the rising bile away. "Are you feeling sick?" She nodded. "Okay. I'll let Armin know to go without me today."

"No! No, I'll be fine. It's just a little nausea. Nothing I haven't had before." Pulling away, shaky hands resumed their work of transferring breakfast to plates, but he grabbed them and tugged her back around to him.

"You haven't felt this badly in a while, though. Not since the earlier days in your pregnancy. I – you're looking really pale, Mikasa. Is…is something else wrong?" He dipped his head over to the side to catch her wandering gaze.

"Nothing else is going on." She laughed weakly, purposely blurring her vision, so she didn't have to see both versions of him overlapping. "The baby is just moving around a lot, kicking me in all the wrong places, which definitely isn't helping."

"Would you tell me if something was wrong," he asked after a long beat. She frowned.

"Of course." What a liar she was becoming. When Eren left, not even his goodbye kiss could lift her spirits. The familiarity of going about her daily routine didn't bring as much comfort as it normally did. Perhaps because she added scrubbing down his chair and floor where blood dripped. Mikasa knew it wasn't actually there, but that didn't stop her from trying to erase it.

It took much longer than it should have, but by the time it was all finished, She was well and truly drained. The thought that the day wasn't even halfway over seem to exhaust her even more. As she wandered into the nursery, sights set on occupying the rocking chair placed in the corner of the room, she wondered how in the world it would be possible to continue on like this. Feeling so out of her element was foreign since it had been such a long time without this particular sense of helplessness; yet, it was so familiar in that she used to know it quite often, especially when it came to Eren. Now though, it didn't even seem she felt this way for a good reason. What could – oh!

A hand came to rub soothingly at the spot where she felt little kicks. No matter how many times Mikasa felt Little Carla – great now they even had her calling the baby that – moving and fluttering about inside, she would never get used to it. She was really carrying a life that was both her and Eren inside her very being. The thought never fail to make the sweetest euphoria bloom in her chest making water gather in her lashes. Despite how small the gesture was, her lips turned upward for the first time that day.

That's right. She had to stay strong for this little one who would lean and depend on her. Mikasa could definitely do that. As she rocked gently back and forth, things once again didn't seem quite as melancholy. Enjoying the quiet of the room, she didn't notice her eyelids stooping lower and lower as they roamed over the children's books on the shelf Jean had gifted them, the sturdy cradle delivered by the woodsmith just a few days ago, and that awful titan-themed mobile from Hange. They were skeptical about actually using it but decided their commander would be very disappointed if they burned it to ashes; so that was that. The nursery was really coming along nicely if she did say so herself.

"Maybe we should paint the walls or choose a wallpaper." At the mutter, her eyes fluttered open to see a figure looking around the room thoughtfully.

"Eren? Oh no, the day can't have gone by that quickly." She went to get up from the chair all the while trying to see out the window to grasp just how late it was, until he stopped her.

"Calm down. It's not late, I'm just back early."

"What? Why? Did something happen? Are you okay?" He knelt next to the chair before she tried to stand again.

"I'm fine. I swear. I couldn't leave you feeling so bad on your own, so I begged off as soon as I could."

"Eren..." She was equal parts flattered and exasperated. "You can't keep leaving every time something is wrong with me."

"The hell I can't."

"I told you I was fine. You have responsibilities," she tried, a smile at how typically him he was being fighting its way onto her face.

"And you and our kid is one of them. Besides...it didn't look like it was just a little nausea to me." She paused not expecting him to bring it up, to continue acting perfectly fine like it wasn't happening.

"Oh..."

"Are you going to keep insisting you're fine or actually tell me what's wrong like you promised you would this morning. I've got nowhere to be and nothing to do, so there's nothing you have to worry about keeping me from." And now he was calling her out on her lies.

"I..."

"Maybe we can start on why you haven't been sleeping."

"You...noticed?" Mikasa didn't mean to sound so incredulous. She actually didn't mean to say anything at all, but he was home earlier than expected. There had been no time to gather herself completely, and now she felt open and defenseless. It was almost like he planned this. She wouldn't put it past him.

"In case it hasn't come to your attention, we do share a bed every night," he replied with a roll of his eyes that did nothing to quell her rising panic or her subsequent anger.

"Yes, it's come to my attention," she snapped.

"Then how could you think I wouldn't notice?" His anger was showing itself just as forcefully. "You think I'm so dense that I can't tell something's going on with you? Or maybe that I just think you're a burden and can't be bothered with your wellbeing?"

"Don't put words in my mouth! Why would you think that?"

"Why would I think tha - What am I supposed to think?" He stood up, running a frustrated palm through his cropped hair as he stalked across the small room to glance out its only window. "I've asked a number of times if something was wrong or if everything was okay, and all you've ever said was that you were fine, making some excuse to make whatever it is that's plaguing you not seem as bad. This morning you even promised that you would tell me just so I would stop asking. Now that's the part that gets me, because it's become very clear that you have zero plans of doing that.

"What am I supposed to think when you're spending more time crying in the bathroom at night than you do sleeping. You walk around like you've seen a ghost. Sometimes you can barely look me in the face, yet lie in bed clinging to me like I'm going to disappear into thin air. Tell me what am I supposed to think, Mikasa, because I'm finding myself at a loss here. We're supposed to be in this together. That's what it means to be married, right? We lean and depend on one another, but lately, it hasn't felt like that's been happening and I've been trying here."

"You didn't say anything," was all Mikasa could say after a few long moments of staring at his back. Her voice was just as weak as her excuse, like it was his fault for not pushing her to admit she was having a problem.

"Neither did you." He finally looked at her then, seeming to tower over her sitting form as if to drown her in the shame she felt at hiding from him, the guilt that began consuming her at the hurt in his eyes. There was plenty Eren didn't say about his feelings, but what wasn't communicated with words was understood through his expression and the emotion in his beautiful green eyes. "I just thought you would bring it up yourself, tell me about it eventually, but you haven't. It was stupid of me to just let it go, because I'm really starting to be concerned. You're losing weight. You've barely slept the past few weeks and that can't be good for little Carla and it certainly can't be good for you when your body is doing so much more work." Her fingers twisted in her scarf under his heavy gaze.

"I'm strong, Eren."

"But you're not invincible. The baby certainly isn't, and you have to take that into account."

"Do you think I'm purposefully trying to put our child in danger." It came from nowhere the iciness in her tone, chilling the room instantly as she pushed herself up from the rocking chair.

"Now who's putting words in whose mouth." His eyes narrowed.

"Well that's sure what it sounds like you're saying to me."

"And it sounds to me like you're trying to pick a fight to avoid this conversation again!" Mikasa froze at the words, staring at him with eyes blown wide...because he was right, and she hadn't even realized she was doing it. Of course, Eren knew she would never hurt their family. He would never even suggest it, so why would she immediately jump to that conclusion? She let out a laugh as her vision began to blur. "Miki?"

She found herself finally crumpling as he pulled her into an embrace, allowing her to hide her face in his neck and soak the collar of his shirt. She cried for all the death and destruction she'd seen, the blood and gore, the absolute loss, the fatigue. She was so tired. It was relieving to get it all out, to lean on him and feel his hands rubbing her back. When Mikasa finally felt like she'd finally gotten all of her tears out, she tilted her head back to look at Eren's earnest expression, closing her eyes when the pads of his thumbs glided against the wet skin of her cheeks. Taking a shaky breath, she swallowed and whispered,

"I have dreams."

"About?" The terrible images flashed in her mind making her squeeze her eyes closed. She struggled for a moment to figure out what to say, to force the words out.

"There are so many horrific things that I can't get out of my mind after. And you'd think I'd be used to seeing horrific things, that it wouldn't affect me so badly, but sometimes...sometimes I can't tell what's real and not real. Every time I wake up, I wonder if I've lost you again."

"What do you mean lose me again? You've never lost me."

"But I have. I have and there were so many times where I thought it was permanent, that you were gone forever."

"But I've always found my way back, haven't I? We're not in constant battle anymore, and I don't make nearly as many stupid decisions as I used to, so you shouldn't be worrying about that." He cradled her red, blotchy face. "I'm not going anywhere, Miki. Tell me where this is coming from."

"I don't know! In my dreams you don't always come back." She gripped his wrists needing something solid to ground her. "Reliving it over and over again, every single night...I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it, because I know you're not going anywhere. I know that. I just try not to sleep too deeply, but most times I just don't sleep at all." Mikasa shrugged weakly, unsure of what else she could say, of how she could really explain the extent of the situation. As Eren pulled her back into his embrace, a hand running through her hair, she thought that was the end of it, that he was satisfied and they could move on, but she was only kidding herself.

"What are they about, your dreams? What happens that makes you think I'm going somewhere," he murmured into her hair and it flashed in her head.

Eren carries death within his body.

"I can't always remember." Mikasa couldn't say that he died so often in her dreams that she was just waiting for him to die here too. If she said it, it would become real and she didn't fear losing him anymore but seeing him dead so often in so many ways had her questioning herself.

"Alright. Okay. You don't have to say, but Miki...I'm not just here to wrap this scarf around you," he said adjusting the red material with a fondness to his touch. "We're in this together, so don't be stupid and try to do things by yourself when you don't have to."

"Okay."

"I'm mean it."

"I know."

"So deal?"

"Yes, deal." With that stupid warm glow she felt at Eren's affection, Mikasa was sure she would have agreed to anything he wanted, but she also felt just a bit silly. For all the times she'd gotten upset at him for going off by himself or not letting her help him, here she was doing the same. It made her wonder if they were more similar than she thought or if they'd grown this way being together for so long. "I'm sorry," she said, leaning up to press her lips against his.

"Don't worry about it now. It's out of the way, so let's just focus on getting you some rest until your final check up with the doctor. We can ask him about it then. We'll get this figured out." She nodded believing him fully. There was no one she trusted more to do what they said they were going to do.

"Why don't we go have a hot bath and relax your muscles," he offered.

"My muscles are beyond relaxed," Mikasa complained. "I haven't done any strenuous activity in so long. My abs will be mush soon enough."

"If your abs are mush, then mine don't exist. I didn't even know it was possible to be pregnant and still have them, but if you don't want to do that what do you suggest ma'am? You have my full attention for the rest of the day."

"I have your full attention, huh?" She fiddled with a button on his shirt before sliding her hands up his chest to rest on his neck. "Is there a specific part of me that can have that attention?"

"Hmm. I might be open to negotiations. What part did you have in mind?" A soft flush spread over her cheeks at the smirk that slowly formed on his face, at the words he wanted her to say.

"I can show you better than I can tell you."

"Well, I am more of a hands on kinda guy. C'mon." Laughing, Eren, pulled her out the door to continue their negotiations. The rest of the day had been lovely. As was becoming the usual, the night was anything but.

Mikasa struggled the next few weeks, her body getting heavier with each day, the feeling of numbness settling in to fight her mental and emotional fatigue. Her mornings featured Eren with various parts of his body bitten, titan sized teeth marks tattooing his skin. If he noticed, which she now knew he most likely did, that she sometimes kissed him like it would be the last time or avoided his affection altogether, he didn't question her on it; but he did provide solace by just talking to her when she was too shaken to sleep, his balmy baritone whispering in her ear about nothing was soothing. Even though she felt bad for keeping him up with her, he wouldn't hear of going back to sleep with her in distress.

Anticipation leading up to their final checkup was palpable and the sense of relief flowed through her when they finally sat in an appointment room at the physician's quarters.

"Everything is looking really good Mr. and Mrs. Yeager. The baby has a strong, healthy heartbeat. The gestation period should conclude well," the doctor said, hanging his stethoscope back in its place on the wall.

"That's good to hear," she commented, happy to have some good news.

"Indeed, it is, but if I must say, Mrs. Yeager, you're not looking quite as well as the last few times I saw you. It is natural for a woman to lose a bit of weight when she gets near the end of her pregnancy, but you've lost more than a bit. I say this as a physician, but your appearance overall has declined. Is everything alright, if I may ask." Mikasa and Eren shared a look before returning their attention back to the doctor. This was the part of the appointment they had been waiting for.

Mikasa's been having trouble sleeping for a while now. It's been getting worse," Eren said, wrapping his fingers around Mikasa's as he went to explain the circumstances. When he finished, the man in front of them nodded thoughtfully and dare she say it, looked a bit reassured.

"Just the way every baby is different, so is every mother and pregnancy," he began adjusting his glasses. "Some anxiety is very normal, especially to first time parents. This can potentially increase as the due date gets closer. I can't begin to imagine the horrors either of you have witnessed, but I'd posit that your experience as a soldier has...exasperated these worries making them much worse and persist longer than they normally would."

"Okay, so you're just guessing here?" Mikasa could hear the annoyance in Eren's voice and hoped he wouldn't be rude.

"More or less. It's an educated guess based on what you've told me and what little I know of the mind. Unfortunately, I'm not that kind of physician."

"And that means..."

"It means that I can't provide a good solution for you outside of figuring out exactly what event you witnessed that is causing you trouble and make peace with it."

"I'm sorry, what? How can we –

"I – I've fought an entire war," Mikasa interrupted. "I became a soldier at the age of 12. I've had over 10 years of experiences that could potentially mess with my head and that's not counting life before that. We didn't just move to this district because it was free real estate that needed to be populated. This is where we lived before the titans attacked. We grew up here and we want to raise our baby here, but I can't do that if I'm harming her before she's even born." She could feel her heart thudding in her chest as her throat seemed to constrict more and more. What if they never stopped, never went away? Would she be watching her child die next?

"Mikasa." Eren was in front of her, eyes cold, boiling with expressionlessness and worry. "It's okay. Ever since we were kids, I've always hated you."

"What," she asked dazedly, utterly confused.

"Here, Mrs. Yeager. Drink this." A trembling hand that she realized was her own, wrapped around the glass being pushed toward her face, and gulped down the cool water inside it."

"Slow down, Miki." Pulling the glass away, she worked to calm her breathing, focusing on the soothing circles her husband rubbed into her back until the room was no longer closing in. "Better?"

"Yeah." Looking towards the doctor she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to – to –

"It's me who should be apologizing, Mrs. Yeager. Please, understand, I was not making light of your situation. As I stated, I am not a head doctor, so there is not much I can offer you in way of this issue besides my previous assessment; Many expectant mothers experience fears before they give birth, but I have worked with none who've had your particular background.

"What you have described to me doesn't sound like the fears I have previously encountered. However, I suspect it will pass once you have given birth. After you've spent time with and taken care of your child, these apprehensions should not persist should you fall pregnant again.

"In the meantime, I recommend drinking something warm before bed, but limit your teas and coffee. Perhaps do some light reading to give your subconscious something else to ponder on while you sleep. If the problem remains, come back to me and we can speak about potential sleep aids." While Mikasa nodded, taking his advice in, Eren resisted as he was wont to do.

"Why are we not talking about sleep aids now?"

"Because," the older man sighed, "Medical sleep aids can be addicting and we have no way of knowing how they will affect the baby in the long term or a woman who is expecting as I, or any other physician I know of, have not seen fit to put them to the test. I can't imagine the effects will be positive besides getting your wife to sleep. Her lack of sleep has already put her in a fragile state and –

"I am not fragile!"

"Not you Mrs. Yeager, simply your state. When we don't get the sleep we need, it not only affects the body, your husband mentioned your weight loss, but the mind as well. It chips away at your focus and ability to concentrate, causing not only increased opportunities for errors and accidents but can affect your memory and perception as well. This, on top of the impacts pregnancy has on the body, has put you in a rather precarious position."

"Isn't that more of a reason to try something," Eren pleaded.

"Only if the problem persists, Mr. Yeager. She doesn't have much longer in the gestation period. Just make sure to eat properly and get as much rest as possible." Seeing him ready to pick a fight, she quickly grabbed his arm drawing his attention to her.

"It will be alright. He said the baby is perfectly healthy right now, so it can't be that much of a problem. Let's just go. Please." Seeming to deliberate for a few moments before nodding, he turned to the older man.

"Thank you for your time, doctor. Mika, why don't you go use the bathroom before we go since there won't be one near the market." She didn't want to leave him alone with the older man. He had given in too easily, but he was right about the lack of restroom, and her bladder didn't seem to be worth much these days.

"Okay." Making quick work of her trip, she was relieved to see everything intact and Eren waiting for her by the door. She thanked the doctor again, and they made their way from the clinic to the center of town, a rather gloomy mood about them.

As she sifted through fabrics to make clothes and soft toys for little Carla, his silent presence trailing behind her, she wondered what she could say to reassure him, to reassure herself.

"Are you happy, Mikasa," he questioned, startling her after nearly an hour of silence.

"Huh?"

"Are you happy…here with me? With the life we've built so far?"

"Of course, I am!" Her answer was immediate. "Why would you ask something like that?" He shrugs noncommittally, looking off to the side. Leave it to him to be all tight lipped after asking such a thing. Sighing, she dropped the fabrics she had in hand and grabbed him by the crook of his arm, yanking him away from the stand and to a large patch of grass in the middle of the square.

"What's wrong, Eren?" For a moment she thought he wouldn't answer, but then his eyes settled on hers, the grief in them stopping her breath, pulling at her heart strings.

"I…I feel so useless."

"What? Eren, why," she asked hands coming up to cup his face, but he pulled away turning his back to her. She had to strain her ears to hear him.

"You're having a tough time of all this, and there's nothing I can really do to help even though I told you we would figure it out. I don't know how to be of help to you and if I can't do anything now, how can I possibly know what to do when the baby arrives?" Oh no…oh, her boy. Stepping forward without a care for who was around, she wrapped her arms around his midsection and let her head settle onto his back.

"Eren...listen to me. There is no one in this entire world that I would rather make a life with. No one. We've lived through so many awful things, and to me, the world is the most beautiful when I'm with you; so never doubt how I feel about you, about us. Please.

Things aren't the best right now, but when has that ever stopped us? We'll find a way through this and parenthood just like we have everything else. It's just like you said, we're in this together. Sure, we'll make plenty of mistakes along the way, but with you by my side, I feel like I can do anything. You pick up my slack and I help you carry yours because that's what we do. Don't doubt yourself, Eren. Don't doubt us."

After she'd finished saying her piece, she remained silent waiting to see what his response would be. A gentle wind blew through the market, causing the green grass to rustle delicately as children and their parents, couples young and old, groups of friends large and small went about their lives with not a single care in the world. She wondered if they looked like that now, two lovers sharing an embrace or if they would eventually look like the families when they had their one plus four more kids.

When he said her name, calling her attention back to him, she could feel the vibrations of each syllable move through his body. Unhindered by the hustle and bustle of the busy market and sprightly square, she could hear him as if it were just the two of them. It wasn't particularly loud or soft, but she could feel him caressing the letters, in a way that only he could.

"I don't say it nearly enough, but…I love you. I really, really do."

"I know, Eren." Happy tears crowded her lower lids before sliding down her cheeks. She pressed her face deeper into his back, hiding her smile that was only for him. She'll never tire of hearing him say those words.

A/N: So this rewrite is over double the length of Before I Wake, so I split it into two chapters because who wants to read 15k in one sitting. Not me.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you've enjoyed it so far. It shouldn't be long until I post part two since it is already written and just needs to be edited. Let me know your thoughts!