Rain slowly trickled down the window, the small beads of water the last remaining remnants of the previous evening's violent downpour. The morning sun was absent, struggling to peek out from behind the overcast sky. Typical commuter sounds began to filter into the apartment as the city began to wake up; car horns blared, tires squealed against the wet pavement, and feet pounded on the sidewalk. But it all faded into white noise, a quiet humming in the background, as Buck sat still on the couch, not having moved a muscle since Ali left.
Buck had watched her leave in silence, not saying a word, not making a sound. He had watched as she opened the door, and with one final look back and a small, barely audible sigh, she left. The tiny click as the door settled shut echoed loudly across the silent apartment. She had said that she wasn't sure, that she wasn't saying that she couldn't handle it, that she just wasn't sure. But Buck knew. He knew that she was leaving, that she wasn't coming back.
Maddie...Abby...Ali...they all left. Nothing ever stops people from leaving him.
Maddie always told him that he had a big heart, that he wore it on his sleeve for everyone to see. That he was a good man, a good brother. Maybe that was his problem, that he gave it his all, that he would move mountains, while others wouldn't. But eventually she left too, handing him the keys to her jeep and disappearing, so really, what did she know?
Buck wasn't even sure that Ali was the one. He had just been so happy to jump into a more serious relationship again, with someone who wanted him back. Buck thought Abby was the one. He had liked who he was when he was with Abby. But he hadn't been enough, he never was. Buck had waited, his heart travelling along with her as she traipsed across Europe in an attempt to find herself, breaking down piece by piece as her time away increased and her distance lengthened.
Maybe they could sense what was coming before he did.
Buck knew this feeling, could feel it rest heavy in his bones. It never went away. Sometimes it would hide, lure him into a false sense of safety, somehow make him think he would be okay. But then it would rear its' monstrous head, emerging again, victorious when someone else left. Because no one ever stayed.
Buck knew he wasn't worthy of love, of someone else's time and energy. The little voice in his head told him this constantly, echoed by the words and actions of those around him. He tried to ignore it, tell himself that if he helped enough people, if he gave away his love freely, that if he wasn't selfish, that it would go away. But it didn't, and Buck knew it never would.
Buck was slowly dragged from his depressing thoughts by the sound of someone's fists banging on his apartment door. He blinked his eyes, looking around the room in confusion, trying to clear the mental fog that had settled around him. He gasped loudly, as a burning sensation ripped through his calf to his foot, clearly reminding him of his injury. He leaned over, grasping at the top of the cast in an attempt to ease the unrelenting pain. How long had it been since Ali left?
Buck startled as his phone rang loudly, surprised that anyone was calling him. He was still having trouble piecing together his thoughts, not connecting the dots that whomever was at the door was likely the one calling him. Reaching over for his crutches, he hit the ignore button on his phone, and slowly shuffled over to the door. He didn't want to see anyone, to listen to anyone's platitudes or fake concern, but also didn't want to get a noise complaint either.
It felt like forever until he reached the door, the change in his position causing the blood to rush to his foot, making him more unbalanced. Buck quickly unlocked the door, telling whoever it was to come on in, surprised at how raspy his voice sounded. Suddenly parched, he turned before the door opened, hobbling into the kitchen for a glass of water. Gulping down the water, he turned to see who had come by, surprised that his visitor hadn't said anything yet.
Eddie had had a big speech all planned, about how he and Maddie had been trying to get a hold of Buck and how they were all worried that he wasn't answering his phone at all. But as soon as he saw Buck, he knew he couldn't say any of that. Dropping the bags of food that his abuela sent over haphazardly on the floor while making a mental note to pick them up later, he rushed over to Buck, wrapping his partner in a tight hug.
He could feel Buck tense at first, but then he relaxed into the embrace, tucking his head into Eddie's shoulder. Letting out a broken sob, Buck finally let it all go, trembling in Eddie's arms as his tears dampened Eddie's shirt.
Eddie wasn't completely sure what happened, but taking a look around the empty apartment, and knowing that Buck was still wearing the same clothes that he had checked out of the hospital in, he had a pretty good idea. Fighting down the flash of anger he felt at Ali, he only held on tighter. "I'm here, Buck," Eddie said softly, rubbing his hand lightly down Buck's back. "And I'm not going anywhere."