Summary: Eobard Thawne apparently had more important things to think about than the giant gash in one of the STAR Labs towers (prongs? What is the proper architectural term for it anyway?) because well over a year later it's still a gaping wound on the building and a security nightmare that Team Flash has been studiously ignoring. And Harry might've left things as they were until one night he works so late that it might as well be early. He arrives in his makeshift bedroom and discovers a squirrel asleep on his bed.
Which is when Cisco reveals the existence of the 'squirrel conspiracy' and Harry regrets the decision making paradigm that led him to believe that Team Flash was anywhere near competent enough to defeat Zoom. And also starts looking up contractors and repairmen and animal control contact information to shove in Barry's face.
Notes: Inspired by some back and forth between myself (starstruckpurpledragon) and yetanotherwells on Tumbler about the giant gash in the side of STAR Labs that, going on seven seasons now, has just... never been fixed.
The title is a reference to a song called "The Mississippi Squirrel Revival" about a kid who accidentally releases a squirrel inside a church and the shenanigans that ensue as the squirrel proceeds to go 'totally berserk'.
The Central City Squirrel Revival
When the accelerator blew up, it took a not insignificant chunk of the building with it. In the light of day, the following morning, there was a noticeable gash in one of the protruding structures of the building. Water was pouring out of it and there could be seen sparks here and there as the damaged electrical took umbrage to being wet, and basically the whole thing was a mess.
Eventually the water main was shut off until the plumbing to what had been a few emergency showers and eye wash stations and one bathroom were capped off. The breakers for that part of the building were shut off until such a time that repairs could be made. Some effort was made to tarp off the area with plastic and duct tape. And then it was all promptly forgotten, despite being a highly noticeable eyesore.
Eobard Thawne had more important concerns, after all. He finally had the Flash in his grasp, young and innocent and so easily molded. His ticket home, if things played out the way he expected them too. For Barry Allen was nothing if not predictable.
It's not that he intended to fail to ever fix the building. It just wasn't high on Thawne's to-do list. And other things kept taking precedence. And, well, eventually he just got so used to the way the building looked that Eobard just sort of... forgot.
Though if he'd known how much of an irritant the gaping hole in the side of the building would eventually present to Team Flash, Eobard would have cheerfully taken full and knowing credit for it.
So the thing about plastic tarp and duct tape is that it's not exactly the sturdiest building material in the universe. For all that engineers might swear by the staying power of duct tape, it's no match for a determined squirrel. And plastic eventually gives way before the repeated attacks of a bird's beak. And, of course, though it may have managed to stand up to the winter winds and snows of Central City, it failed entirely in the face of the raging winds of a Speed Force Singularity, such as the one that ravaged Central City after Eobard Thawne's failed attempt to return home.
It is, admittedly, a quite high up spot on the building. Certainly it'd be difficult for anyone to reach, though not impossible. For birds, however, it becomes a prime nesting spot.
After all, it's a high up location, generally sheltered from the elements, and well protected from predators. But the birds weren't particularly interested in investigating the building itself. They quickly established their food sources couldn't be found beyond the plastic sheeting and stuck to the ruined opening of the building.
The squirrels, however, do not.
The squirrels of Central City are intrepid creatures. They invade garages and attics and get themselves electrocuted by chewing on the wrong things. And the height of the STAR Labs building is no obstacle to them.
So a few squirrels build nests within STAR Labs. And by the time the Singularity occurs, forcing the squirrels further inside the building to avoid being sucked out to their deaths, the first generation of STAR Labs squirrels has been born.
And as far as those squirrels were concerned? STAR Labs and all it contained belonged to them.
The first person to notice the wildlife invasion of STAR Labs was Cisco Ramon. Donuts disappear from the break room.
Caitlin certainly didn't take them since she was at Mercury now, Barry was at the CCPD with no knowledge the donuts existed, and Professor Stein hadn't visited that day. And yet, the donuts had clearly been finished off by person, or persons, unknown.
So Cisco checked the CCTV recordings. And lo and behold, the donut thieves. Though Cisco can scarcely believe his eyes as he watches the camera capture three intrepid squirrels run off with his donuts.
He sets a few traps, catches three squirrels, sets them free outside with admonitions not to come back, and assumes thats the end of things.
The squirrels just climb back up the building, in through the gash in the side of the tower, and disappear back into STAR Labs. But they do steer clear of that particular break room for a while. Mostly because they discovered the made for the Flash power bar storage room instead.
The second person to notice there were critters in STAR Labs that did not belong was Caitlin. Newly returned from Mercury labs, she discovers some squirrels have used her old lab coats as a nest.
She complains to Cisco and, once again, they set out traps. Cisco wonders how the squirrels are even getting inside. But they release the squirrels outside again, head back in, and wash the lab coats to see if they're salvageable. They mention the issue to Barry later, but assure him it has been taken care of.
It has not been taken care of.
The squirrels, once again, run back up the side of the building, into the gaping wide gap on STAR Labs' weird aesthetic prong, and fuss over their destroyed nest. They're now well aware that the traps are bad news.
Harry had made a mental list of differences between the two STAR Labs - his STAR Labs and what was basically Ramon's STAR Labs - after arriving on Earth-1. It helped him remind himself where he was when he'd wake from a nightmare about Jesse's abduction to find himself wandering the halls, not sure if he'd fallen asleep at work or if the whole nightmare scenario was still happening in real time.
It was, of course, still happening in real time.
The little things kept him oriented, like the differences in the office layouts, Ramon's lab where Hewitt's was, the cortex with all the Flash paraphenelia enshrined within it, the abandoned and dusty front lobby, the wheelchair hidden in a storage closet, and so forth. Of course, there was a big difference on the outside of the building too - namely the huge rip on one side that threw off the whole aesthetic of the architectural design.
Harry would, if pressed, admit that he gave his architect a little too much free rein and that he, too, has no idea what's up with the protruding bits or what they were even called. It looked neat and Tess liked the look, so Harry'd just signed off on it and moved on to the next important business decision.
Yes, it was true, even Harrison Wells lived by the rule of cool on occasion.
But though the broken part of the building made it look weird and was probably a security nightmare waiting to happen, Harry told himself it wasn't his problem. He wasn't going to be here long and once Jesse was safe and Zoom was doomed, he'd go back home and try to forget he'd ever proved the multiverse was real.
Except... Team Flash was starting to grow on him. And doing science with another person hadn't been this fun in a long time, but Ramon was just... on Harry's wavelength somehow. So maybe he wouldn't forget about this Earth, but it still wasn't his building or his business. If the broken tier helped add some verisimilitude to the 'abandoned building with no Team Flash here' bit that Team Flash thought they were selling (but most definitely weren't), then who was Harry to complain?
But of course... that was before he learned about the squirrels.
Harry closed his eyes. Inhaled slowly, held his breath for a brief count, and then exhaled again. Opened his eyes.
The squirrel was still there, curled up on his pillow, snuggled in his blankets.
There was a moment of surreal calm as Harry's genius brain struggled to determine just how the hell that squirrel got into his bed in the first place. Sure, he'd left the door open all day, but there should not be squirrels wandering the halls of STAR Labs. How the heck did the squirrel get into the building in the first place?
His eyes narrowed as he glowered at the sleeping squirrel. That gash in the side of the building. The damned eyesore.
Well, it was his business now.
He turned on his heel and went to go make a fresh pot of coffee. Bad enough the building was infested, but to steal his damn bed?
This meant war.
"Huh," Cisco said. "I guess that makes sense. I was wondering how all these squirrels kept getting into the building."
Joe West hid his face behind his hand to hide his giggle fit. His daughter, however, did not bother to hide her mirth.
"Bar," said Iris, "I think maybe it's time to fix the building.
"Maybe?" Harry demanded. "Where there's one squirrel, there's an army in hiding."
"Were you pelted with acorns by squirrels in college?" Caitlin asked, tone altogether far too pleasant for the mocking words she'd uttered. In Harry's opinion, anyway.
Jay snickered. Harry fumed.
"Here," Harry thrust out a notebook at Barry, who took it with a bewildered expression on his face. "Since I couldn't sleep in my own damn room last night," he grabbed his cup of coffee and drank deeply, "I came up with a list of reputable contractors who can get the building back up to code. Including the original architect's firm. STAR Labs' finances should be able to absorb their prices well enough. Additionally, there's a list of animal and pest control services to clear out the current infestation."
"I'm not sure one squirrel counts as an infest..a...tion..." Joe trailed off as four squirrels looked into the cortex, froze at the sight of the humans standing there, and backed away slowly before running away. "Right. Infestation. Bar, good luck. I've... got... important police business to do elsewhere." And then he booked it.
"We had squirrels in our attic one summer and dad's never really gotten over it," Iris said blandly, though she was staring at the cortex entryway with narrowed eyes. "How many birds do you suppose are nesting up there?"
Barry groaned. "If we can get the supplies ourselves, I can do the repairs on my own. I mean, I did fix, like, half the city over the summer."
"And the squirrel corralling?" Jay asked in amusement.
"I'm fast enough to catch and release them humanely. And any other critters I come across along the way." Barry shrugged and gave Harry an apologetic look. "Do you want to stay in Joe's guest room, at least until the squirrels are taken care of?"
"That would mean having to actually leave the science behind to go sleep at a decent hour," Cisco muttered, giving Harry an unrepentant look when Harry glowered at him.
"Like you've let living in an apartment stop you from doing science until three in the morning?" Harry shot back, giving him an arch look.
Caitlin rounded on Cisco. "And just how often is that happening?"
"Uhhh... not often. Only like, once every few weeks." Cisco's eyes had gone wide and desperate and he shook his head at Harry when the older man made a derisive noise. Caitlin crossed her arms and gave him a narrow look that had him blurting out, "okay, once a week."
"Or several," Harry muttered.
"And you!" Caitlin took away Harry's coffee.
Harry stared at his empty hand in shock.
"No more caffeine. You're letting Barry take you to Joe's guest room and you are sleeping. Do not come back until tomorrow morning." Caitlin's steely gaze had Harry nodding and shuffling around awkwardly, as though looking for an escape.
"How about I run you there now, okay?" Barry asked. "And I'm really, really sorry about the squirrel." He glanced at Cisco and said, "I was assured the squirrel thing was taken care of."
"Hey, don't throw me under the bus," Cisco insisted. "How was I supposed to know they were climbing that far up glass and steel to reach the broken pylon?"
"Is that what it's called?" Harry muttered under his breath. Though Jay clearly heard him because the former speedster burst into laughter at that point and had to excuse himself.
"Right, well, this Team Flash emergency doesn't seem to need me, so I'm headed into work," Iris told them. "Let me know about the birds, Barry. Take pics of any pretty ones."
Barry grinned and nodded. Then turned back to Harry with a questioning look.
"It'd really be a better use of my time creating a better squirrel trap," Harry insisted.
Jay cackled with laughter. Even Caitlin looked amused, though it did stop her from poking him in the chest with her finger and telling him to get some rest already.
"Whatever, fine. I'll go," Harry grumbled, letting Barry run him off with absolutely no grace in his defeat whatsoever.
There was a silence as Cisco, Caitlin, and Jay were left alone in the cortex.
Jay grinned over at Caitlin. "Squirrels," was all he managed to say before laughing again.
"Squirrels," Caitlin echoed, nodding her head with a serious expression on her face, belied by the way she couldn't quite manage to keep her mouth from twitching into a smile.
"I'm going to go set out the traps again," Cisco said, moving towards the cortex exit. "I think Harry has a point about us needing bigger and better traps."
"Cisco," Caitlin said sweetly, tone putting Cisco immediately on the defensive. "How much sleep did you get last night?"
"Uh... enough?"
"Define 'enough'," she challenged and Jay took that as his cue to leave too.
Possibly not wanting his own sleeping habits questioned.
"So... Barry." Cisco stared at what should have been six boxes of super-calorie-filled power bars for speedsters only. "I think we have a problem."
"What's the problem?" Barry asked, slipping into the store room to see what was going on.
What was going on was there were six boxes that had been chewed open on the sides and were now full of wrappers and crumbs.
"I think the squirrels ate the last of the speedster bars." Cisco gave Barry a sheepish look and Barry made a sad, kicked puppy face in response.
The speedster's stomach grumbled. "So I guess before I start repairing STAR Labs, we should make some more power bars so that I've got the fuel to do it without passing out somewhere dangerous."
"Yeah, Caitlin's pissed at me enough for my late hours lately. I just get so caught up working with Harry and ten more minutes at eight o'clock turns into two AM before we even realize it." Cisco sighed, "if you fall and crack your skull from lack of calories, I'm the one she'll spend most of her time complaining to."
"To the cafeteria and its state of the art kitchen?" Barry asked hopefully.
"Yeah. Though with our luck, the squirrels have eaten all the ingredients too and we're gonna have to hit up Sam's Club again."
The squirrels had gotten into the ingredients. A trip to the grocery store thus became a must. But eventually Barry and Cisco were able to create the power bars Barry needed to sustain his next big venture at STAR Labs.
Plugging the gigantic hole in the outer wall.
It took some time, but Barry was able to repair not only the outer wall, but the damaged interior as well, replacing broken pipes and fixing damaged electrical. As he worked, he gently relocated all the birds he found - taking pictures beforehand for Iris to enjoy. And then, once the repair work was complete enough to prevent all the squirrels, and other wildlife, that had moved into STAR Labs from scuttling back up and into the building, Barry went through every room in the building - a good six times over - to collect every animal he could find and deposit them into a nearby park. For the most part, the animals removed from the lab - particularly the lizards - were happy enough to find new homes in the bushes and trees they found there.
(Barry also cleaned Harry's room at STAR Labs - most notably sending the bedsheets through the wash several times - because someone kept complaining about their paranoid certainty regarding finding squirrel fur on his pillow.)
After a week of Harry religiously checking the CCTV feeds for squirrels, he deemed STAR Labs vermin free and quite happily moved back out of Joe West's guest room and back into his room in STAR Labs. Having Harry at Joe's was not, perhaps, the most ideal of living situations and all were pleased to see it come to an end. Especially Joe.
There are a few changes forced upon Harry - and Cisco - at this point, however. Caitlin institutes a daily limit on caffeine intake and a mandatory bedtime. Harry immediately looks into ways around this and gets Caitlin Snow's patented disappointed look for sneaking out to Jitters for extra coffee one evening and looping the camera feeds a few nights later.
Caitlin Snow's disappointed look is a powerful thing. It instill feelings of shame and remorse in all who suffer it, including Harry.
So, once again lacking any grace whatsoever in his defeat, Harry capitulates to the new limits that are 'for his own good and continued health'. (He would beg to differ. He's been pulling all nighters and drinking enough coffee to turn his blood to espresso for years and been just fine, thank you very much. Harry does, at least, recognize that expressing that sentiment out loud would not at all help his case.)
But this was not the last anyone saw of the the STAR Labs squirrels.
Once the squirrels realized that their beloved entry point into their home territory was blocked, they began seeking a new way into STAR Labs.
This was, admittedly, not a terribly hard thing to do considering the security at STAR Labs was still paper thin. Laughably awful. A shambles, even.
After some time spent investigating the building and several of what passed for discussion amongst the squirrels, they headed for the STAR Labs parking garage.
Back inside STAR Labs, the squirrels proceed to fight dirty.
They go after the beloved coffee beans that the tall shouty human loves so much. The candy stash that one of the long-furred humans hoarded in his lair. The pretzels kept near the comfy white, wearable blankets that the other long-furred human stored carefully. More of the crunchy bars that the speedy tall human coveted.
And one squirrel in particular, after all the damage was done, waited patiently for a chance to curl up on the comfy, comfy bed it had been so rudely snatched from by the speedy one, all those days earlier.
Harry returns from Earth-2 to find a squirrel sleeping in his bed.
Again.
Cisco and Caitlin stop halfway through adding a bed to the room across the hall from Harry's, summoned by the sound of Harry's cursing and Jesse's laughter.
"Alright," Cisco said, voice grim, "we're inventing a better squirrel trap."
"But how did they get back in this time?" Caitlin wondered. "The building was fixed."
"Allen must have missed something," Harry insisted.
"So this squirrel is part of an ongoing problem?" Jesse asked.
"They're donut thieving assholes," Cisco confirmed. "Let's check the security cameras, see if we can find out what they've been up to this time."
"Hey, Barry," Caitlin was saying into her phone, "the squirrels are back."
In the security room gathered Harry and Jesse Wells, Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow, and Barry Allen. Watching in mute horror as they observed the squirrels' method of entry to the building.
"What the hell kind of squirrels do you have on this Earth?" Jesse muttered, exchanging a look of disbelief with her father.
"I've never seen squirrels do something like that before," Cisco muttered, replaying the video.
On the screen was displayed the view of the parking garage's elevator entrance to the main STAR Labs building. A number of squirrels came running up, several of which climbed atop one another's shoulders, bracing against the wall for support, until finally they towered high enough for one of them to press the elevator call button. When the elevator arrived, all the squirrels - at least a dozen, but probably more - scurried into the elevator. Switching to the elevator camera revealed them repeating the tower trick to hit the main floor button.
Once the squirrels reached the main floor and the elevator opened again, they dispersed into STAR Labs to wreak havoc.
"What the actual hell?" Barry muttered.
"I need more coffee," Harry said and walked out of the security office. A few minutes later his muffled screams could be heard as he discovered the ruined coffee stash in the break room.
Caitlin sighed. "I'm going to go make sure he doesn't he doesn't destroy anything important trying to hunt down the squirrels with the pulse rifle. Come on Jesse."
Barry tapped Cisco on the shoulder, "lets add some better security to the elevators, okay? Though... I, uh, thought you'd secured the building to prevent intrusions?"
Cisco blushed. "Honestly, I forgot that elevator even existed. So I missed it when I was on my security update spree. How about I get on that while you gather up the squirrels and... I dunno, drop them off out of state?"
"Works for me," Barry said, grinning impishly.
He was less amused when he found a squirrel gnawing on the Flash suit on display in the cortex.
Caitlin thought maybe she'd start stress crying when, after calming down Harry, with Jesse's help, she discovered her pretzels were completely gone.
Which was when Cisco's wail of anguish over discovering his ruined candy stash could be heard.
"So, uh," Barry showed back up in the cortex, poking his head into Caitlin's lab. "They got into my power bars again."
Caitlin started laughing, a touch hysterically, instead. Barry backed away slowly.
Once again, the squirrels point of entry was sealed - in this case adding RFID card requirements to summon and utilize the elevator - and the squirrels were forcibly, and speedily, removed from the premises. Barry left the squirrels one state over, as requested, and it was assumed that the squirrel problem was really, truly, finally fixed after several weeks passed and the squirrel alert Cisco built into the CCTV system hadn't been triggered since it's installation and the high tech squirrel traps built by Cisco and Harry sit unused on the high shelves of Cisco's lab.
Jesse has run away and come back in this time and Barry's speed has been lost and returned. They've had bigger problems than squirrels, like a zombie meta and a reminder that they have a whole swaths of lab space that Eobard Thawne used that they've been pretending didn't exist.
They... should probably clear out any other bodies lingering in that makeshift morgue, shouldn't they? No one wants Zombie Girder 2.0, after all.
With Zoom's evil plots weighing heaviest on everyone's minds, no one spared any thoughts to the squirrel menace. After all, an evil speedster was far more problematic than somewhere around a dozen squirrels with chips on their little shoulders.
Except...
When Barry dropped off the squirrels out of state, most of the squirrels accepted defeat. They didn't know where they were and they didn't know which way was home. There were plenty of nuts in the area, trees to live in, and it was better than nothing. Well, maybe a few aspired to home invasions in a nearby town.
But there was one squirrel. One squirrel who remembered the comfiness of what human nests felt like and had stared down true evil with blue eyes burning with intense hatred for squirrel kind and armed with some kind of monstrous human weaponry.
This squirrel turned inexorably in the direction of Central City - of STAR Labs. And this squirrel, chittering in frustrated anger, promised himself that vengeance would be had and his home would be reclaimed. Somehow, someway... STAR Labs would belong to the squirrels again one day.
Notes: I've got vague ideas for a sequel to this where HR encounters the vengeance consumed squirrel and naturally assumes the squirrel is Savitar. :D
And I'll be leaving the series open for a Harry vs. Squirrel rematch set in season 4 and Sherloque vs. the Moriarty of Squirrels in Season 5.