Prologue
God, what did I do?
It's been 5 months. I feel miserable. Everything is hard; walking, breathing, eating. It feels like I have 100lbs boulders on my shoulders and i'm being crushed by them. I wish I'd gone to therapy sooner so she wouldn't have gone through with the divorce. If I had just pulled my had out of my ass and realised that I wasn't doing better instead of just ignoring everything, maybe she wouldn't have have left. Maybe, wish, had, would've. None of it matters now. And I shouldn't think like this either. The divorce has given me space to heal and breath without feeling the impending doom and disappointment that was looming over both of our heads. I miss her. I've been trying to get comfortable with being alone. I've healed my mind but my soul aches for her. I know in the deepest of my heart and the clearest part of my conscious that the only way I'll ever feel whole again is with her. God, what did I do?
New York is so beautiful. Especially on days like these. It's just past sunrise and the weather is a bit gloomy. Summer is ending and fall is just around the corner. Fall is one of her most liked seasons. She doesn't like picking favourites so she ranks them by most to least liked. She likes them all she just doesn't like all of them the same amount. That was her explanation on our first date. I found it so endearing and I just knew from that moment that this was going to be big and live changing. The kind of love that makes you feel whole and empty at the same time. Right now I feel empty. I have love just not from the person I want to have it from. I shouldn't be greedy, but what do you do when the person your heart wants the most is on the other side of the country? She loves me, I just know she does. If she didn't she would've never given me those tickets or send those shared custody papers a couple of months ago. I begged her for my freedom, I fought her for it, I let my lawyer absolutely destroy her in a courtroom full of our friends and she still didn't want to see me suffer. And now here I am. I put her through all of that pain for nothing. I have freedom but I don't have happiness. I have joy but those moments are fleeting and they only ever happen when Sofia's around or when she's calling with her Mama and I get to hear her voice, even if it's just for a couple of seconds. I should've never left Seattle. God, what did I do?
Callie's finger hovers over the call button. She's shaking and her palms are getting sweaty. It shouldn't be this difficult, but it is. She has to do it though. "Hello? Callie?" Arizona is surprised. Normally she barely has time to pick up the phone before her overly excited daughter screams mama into the receiver. "Arizona." Callie can barely get her mouth to make any noise. Her head is working overtime and her heart is gonna fall out of her ass but she can barely string a sentence together. "Sofia. She wants you. She needs both of us, in the same place, at the same time." She finally manages to push out. She needs Arizona too but she's not going to tell her that of course. "I will book a one way flight right now." A smile tugs at Arizonas lips. She's going to see Callie. She's going to be around Callie. Maybe being around her but not being able to have her will break her even more, but right now even the sound of her voice is enough to make her soul feel whole again.
That same evening she called Bailey and gave her notice. The woman wasn't pleased with losing one of her top surgeons but she understood why Arizona had to leave. She was happy for her and hoped the couple would give their relationship another try, cause no matter how annoy it was sometimes, the two of them fitted together like puzzle pieces.
Standing in an airport terminal, ready to leave her whole life behind, Arizona felt like a child at a carnival. Seattle wasn't her home, it hasn't been for a while now. Her home is on the other side of the world, sitting on the couch, eating ice cream with their daughter while they sing along with Elsa. That's her home. And it will stay her home, for however long she may have.