"Sure she's good looking... But, it's only a matter of time before she burns you too"
Dylan was tempted to go for the bottle. His father was just buried under the ground and he was standing in Jim Walsh's living room. He eyed the bottle of scotch, wondering what was there to live for now that his father is gone. The only biological family member he had left was a mother chasing idealistic dreams.
Wandering aimlessly around the Walsh residence, he looked longingly at his friends. He felt like an outsider as he watched them interact. He went through them one by one, trying to gauge what their friendships meant. Then, he got to her.
Kelly Taylor.
For the first time in a long time, he found the courage to go for what he wanted, at the cost of breaking his first love's heart. It took him months to find the strength to take the risk, never truly knowing whether it was worth it. Always afraid that he could get burned for making such a bold choice.
But, as it turned out: "It's all worth it, otherwise we wouldn't be here right now."
Finally he got what he always wanted, and he got to enjoy that for a while. Being young and in love with the only beauty, the only inspiration left in his life. Suddenly everything had fallen into place for him.
They were on their way to Paris to experience a summer of love. That was until news broke that shattered his perception of reality. Dylan was never one to allow optimism to outweigh hard times which was much to the detriment of his own life. For this reason, he let the bad news overpower all the good in his life.
Letting the tragic news of getting rejected from Berkeley trigger those feelings of loss all over again. His father, Berkeley...
This could only mean one thing. The fears and insecurities he had about her were creeping up again. "It's only a matter of time before she burns you too."
He assumed that's the price he paid for giving into something that could consume him. He did not have the upper hand here. The passion he had for her would always leave him weak and as a result, in the position to get hurt.
Failing to see he was creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, his insecurity and anxiety only pushed her away, furthering his false belief that he would one day lose her too.
He watched as she and John Sears frolicked by the pool, and an overwhelming sense of jealousy took over. He felt this possessive pull trying to take back what belonged to him. He had no idea what they were talking about. It didn't matter what was going on. All he knew was he was succumbing to his intrusive thoughts, finding it harder to shut them off. I'm losing her, he thought.
There he was again. John Sears. Like a dark cloud hovering over Dylan's existing reality. He could no longer think clearly. He just had to find some sense of relief. A relief that he won't lose something else that's precious to him. So, he pushed John in the pool in an attempt to release his frustration over John creeping over to her all day and to rid himself of his fears.
But, it wasn't enough. Maybe it was too late; maybe it was inevitable. He looked into her big blue eyes, knowing that she was hiding something. Here he was, finally realizing that his thoughts aren't reality. That he has more control over his life than he thought. "I already got a girl" But, that short-lived relief didn't last long.
He felt his heart sink into his stomach. It's happening, he thought. I'm losing her.
Mixed feelings of heartbreak and anger both fought to be front and centre. Which was more painful? He asked himself, losing her or knowing that you were losing her?
As she teared up, he buried his feelings deep. She turned and did exactly what he feared. She left him. Well, may the bridges I burn light the way.
Dylan was the happiest he had ever been for a while, thanks to Brenda Walsh. Until they had talked he had never truly realized what was holding him back. Kelly was parading around with this idiot, and Dylan couldn't do anything to change it. So, he involuntarily waited. Waited around for something to happen.
He finally realized what he had been waiting for. Kelly to come back to him. But, when she did, his fears made him hesitate. Do I risk it all again?
He did it before and he got burned. Is it worth it to go through it all again knowing she could hurt him? He didn't know. All he knew was he felt paralyzed. He couldn't move on. He couldn't move forward. So, he waited around, wallowing in his misery, until he realized being afraid to get hurt is no reason to avoid love, as Brenda's words: "That's the risk we take." echoed in his ear, he knew he couldn't survive without Kelly's love, even if it put him at risk of getting his heart broken again.
Things were euphoric for a while, until that sense of loss began to reoccur. This time it was thanks to Lucinda Nicholson. Kelly began to idolize a woman who promoted promiscuity and sexual freedom. This only triggered his unresolved issues with Kelly. Kelly did leave him for John and she does take Lucinda's words to heart.
Dylan began to worry that this will only encourage Kelly to repeat history. It also didn't help that Brandon was now 'borrowing' her. He didn't like that, but he didn't want to fight with Kelly about it either. Dylan knew he was giving his insecurities too much power, but he couldn't help himself. Brandon had been giving him a hard time since he bought the peach pit. The tension was already there. And now, he couldn't shake the feeling that Lucinda's way of life could trickle down to Kelly.
Lucinda hitting on him was the final straw. If she thinks it's okay to cheat, she has definitely given Kelly the same impression. The fears he had of losing Kelly were somehow seemingly more realistic now. This is just like with John Sears all over again. Except this time it could be with Brandon.
The picture of Kelly and Brandon in The Condor didn't help either. He was possessive, jealous, and insecure enough as it is. But, now Lucinda has only further proved it to be possible. Would Kelly betray him again? Especially since Lucinda has poisoned her students' minds to think that it's still monogamous to switch partners. Would Kelly really grow up to be like her? Could Lucinda really take away the girl he always wanted.
As he sat there at the dinner table with Brandon and Lucinda, the two people that contributed to his fears, observing him. Kelly, on the other hand, had no clue what he was going through. He could never communicate these fears to her; he was vulnerable enough around her as it is.
What's more is that he couldn't shake his thoughts from the very beginning, when he contemplated Brenda or Kelly. He knew choosing Kelly was a risk, but it's what he's always wanted.
He had been so tired of constantly fearing he would lose her, then having to live through it when she went off with John Sears, and now it seemed it was plausible again.
No. He demanded. I'm not losing her again. And in that moment, he was determined to shut them out, both Lucinda and Brandon. He wanted to push his fears aside, but he couldn't, so he handled it the only way he knew how. Here goes nothing...
He realized he had been going about it the wrong way. He either held on too tightly or pushed her away. But, it became clear to him that his own fear of losing her was in fact what made him lose her.
As he saw his best friend and his best girl standing before him. His worst fear became a reality.
And it was in that moment, he realized, after all the pain and heartbreak: He would risk it all again.
I made a wrong turn somewhere, and it lead me here. It's time to make a change. It's time to go after what I need. I need her. May the bridges I burn like the way.