Reggie took the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Here's a little fun fic I call…
The Attack Of The Zombie Lemur
"Why do we always have to clean up Archer's messes?" Ray grumbled as he brought some equipment into Archer's apartment along with Krieger, Pam and Cheryl.
"Because I am paying you to do so!" Mallory snapped as she followed them. "Except for Cheryl who's doing this for free."
"A drugged-up zombie lemur hunt sounds like fun!" Cheryl grinned.
"Yeah, a barrel of laughs," Pam groaned. "Where'd I put the wooden stakes?"
"You don't need wooden stakes for Reggie!" Archer protested. "He's not a vampire. Or a zombie!"
"Doesn't matter to the stake," Pam told him.
"I don't think stakes do any good against zombies anyway," Ray pointed out. "Vampires, yeah. But zombies no. With zombies you have to cut their heads off and burn them."
"So, you're saying zombies are tougher than vampires?" Pam asked.
"Well they're definitely more durable yeah," Ray shrugged. "Its kind of an apples and oranges deal. Zombies are tougher but they're not smart and don't have too many powers."
"There's a reason in the underworld battles zombies are foot soldiers and vampires run the command center," Cheryl nodded.
"Are you saying that no zombie is smart enough to be in a management position?" Pam asked. "What about those Disney zombies that sing and dance? And date cheerleaders?"
"Okay Disney zombies don't count," Krieger told her. "Those guys aren't real. We're talking regular zombies here. Which don't dance, despite what you see in music videos!"
"I am spending my weekend listening to an argument about zombies verses vampires," Mallory growled. "And it's all your damn fault Sterling!"
"Not this again," Archer groaned. "Mother this isn't that big a deal."
"Tell that to Mrs. Skeffington in Apartment 14 C!" Mallory shouted.
FLASHBACK!
A thin well-dressed older woman wearing a large red hat with feathers arrived at her apartment. She had a small white and brown chihuahua on a leash. The dog started to bark madly. "Pooky! What's wrong with you?" Mrs. Skeffington asked.
As she opened the door she heard a crash. Pooky kept barking. "Hello?" Mrs. Skeffington called out. "Who's there?" She then noticed that her normally tidy apartment was rather a mess. "Oh, my goodness what…?"
She turned on the light to reveal a half-crazed Reggie eating candy on the floor. A broken candy dish was by his side. "HISSSSSSSS! SCREEEEEEEEE!" It hissed at her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Mrs. Skeffington screamed as Reggie fled the room via an open vent.
FLASHFORWARD!
"You're just lucky that uptight old biddy settled for a quick cash settlement," Mallory grumbled. "And a new candy dish."
"How could they blame what Reggie did on me?" Archer asked.
"Because most of the people here remember the last time that lemur attacked!" Mallory shouted. "Including the superintendent and the owner of the building! In order for you to keep your apartment and for me to not get sued, I promised them that I would remove that deranged gremlin by tonight!"
"Can you kill a gremlin with a wooden stake?" Cheryl asked. "Just wondering."
"We don't need wooden stakes," Krieger told her. "I have a ton of tranquilizers and a bunch of capture nets."
"Oooh…" Cheryl beamed. "Can I have a dart?"
"Only if you're good!" Mallory told her. "Or you annoy me to the point where I consider throwing you off the building. Whichever comes first."
"Oh, don't give her options," Ray told Mallory.
"Too late," Cheryl giggled.
"Why do we have to do this?" Ray asked. "Why can't you hire an exterminator?"
"Because you're cheaper than an exterminator. And since Lana refused to do it," Mallory sighed. "Saying that she wasn't Sterling's babysitter anymore. And Cyril is doing another mission for me, you lot are it!"
"What mission?" Archer asked.
"Not important," Mallory waved. "Let's just get the damn thing out of the walls and out of here before I get charged more money!"
"I thought Reggie was dead," Pam told Archer. "Didn't he get killed after the last time he went nuts?"
"Apparently, he wasn't completely dead," Archer shrugged.
"How is that possible?" Mallory snapped.
"I think all the drugs it had in its system may have helped," Krieger told them.
"Uh oh," Archer's eyes widened. "I remember Woodhouse used to keep a large supply of Borkor Paste in his room."
"He got addicted to that after that ill-fated trip to Haiti," Mallory sighed. "On the upside it kept him nice and docile."
"And I never actually saw Woodhouse bury Reggie," Archer realized. "He just took it to his room and…Uh oh."
"Oh shit," Pam realized. "Reggie really could be a zombie!"
"God damn it Archer," Ray groaned. "Don't you think we have better things to do than to hunt down a hyperactive drugged up overgrown rat?"
"Primate actually," Archer corrected. "Lemurs are primates. They're relatives of monkeys."
"All the more fitting that these monkeys take care of the problem," Mallory pointed to her employees. "And I have to be here to make sure you idiots don't screw it up!"
"It's not that hard Mother," Archer waved.
"That's what she said!" Cheryl called out. "Phrasing boom!"
"Look all we have to do is get Reggie out of the walls and Krieger will tranq him," Archer went on. "Like Pam during her cocaine binge."
"Even I have to admit that's a pretty good analogy," Pam shrugged.
"And since Reggie is at least three hundred and fifty pounds lighter than Pam it shouldn't be a problem," Archer added.
"Actually…" Pam stopped. "Never mind. Not important."
"Like almost everything you say," Mallory sighed. "Here's a question that is important. How do we get the damn thing out of the walls?"
"We open up the vent in the wall and lure out Reggie with some tempting treats," Krieger showed them. "What do you think? Twinkies or Ho Hos?"
"I'd go with the Ho Hos," Archer said as he opened a nearby wall vent.
"You always do," Ray quipped. "Boom!"
"Good one," Archer snickered.
"Sterling!" Mallory shouted.
"What? It's funny because it's true!" Archer protested.
"I may not be a biologist but even I know that lemurs don't eat mass produced cakes!" Pam snapped. She pulled out a candy bar. "Try a Snickers bar."
"It does satisfy," Ray added.
"Phrasing!" Archer quipped.
Mallory gritted her teeth. "Lemurs. Do. Not. Eat. Candy bars!"
"Well this one does," Archer told her as he pulled out some papers. "I found some stray candy bar wrappers in the vent."
"No wonder that poor thing has gone insane," Ray clucked his tongue. "Between the drugs and the sugar overload its tiny brain must have shorted out."
"How can it still be alive?" Cheryl asked. "Don't lemurs die out after a few years?"
"Actually, in the wild lemurs can live up to fifteen years," Krieger explained. "And in captivity up to thirty."
"Oh dear God, we have to capture that damn thing," Mallory realized. "And then kill it!"
"Mother!" Archer gasped.
"I am not cleaning up after a lemur for decade or more!" Mallory shouted. "You make enough of a mess!"
"Look once we catch it we can just give it to a zoo or something," Ray told them.
"What zoo would take a heroin addicted zombie lemur hopped up on sugar?" Pam asked.
"We can just put it in a basket and leave a note," Ray told her.
"I've thought of doing that with you lot from time to time," Mallory admitted.
Patter, patter, patter, patter…skitter…scratch…
"Hang on," Ray held up his hand. "Listen!"
Skitter, skitter…scratch, scratch…
"It's in the walls," Ray realized.
"It's just like Alien," Cheryl's eyes widened.
"If the alien was a fuzzy drugged up lemur," Pam told her. "I think it's moving away from the apartment."
"Hang on," Archer leaned in closer to the vent. "Reggie? Reggie! REGGIE!"
"Screeeee!"
Scamper! Scamper! Scamper! Scratch…
"Good going," Pam said sarcastically. "It's running even further away!"
"Oh, for God's sakes…" Mallory groaned.
Ray looked at Mallory. "This would probably be easier if he wasn't here."
"YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted.
"Hang on," Krieger took out a device. "I've got my thermal imaging capture device. With this I can pinpoint where Reggie is going."
"Finally!" Mallory took a sip from a flask. "One of you has an intelligent idea!"
"He's moving!" Krieger called out. "Grab the pickaxes!"
"Grab the what?" Mallory did a double take.
"Well we gotta get him out of the walls somehow!" Pam said as she grabbed a pickaxe.
"Yay!" Cheryl grabbed a smaller one. "I love demolition!"
"Archer bring your Tacti-Cane," Pam said. "You can zap Reggie through the walls."
"Will that work?" Archer asked as the group left the apartment.
"Only one way to find out," Krieger said. "Tally ho!"
Soon Mallory and Ray were left. "Not that I care," Mallory sighed. "But why did you stay behind?"
"I can either grab a pickaxe or pour you a drink," Ray told her. He used his super speed and came back with a scotch in a glass.
"Good call," Mallory admitted as she took the glass.
It wasn't long before Ray and Mallory left the penthouse to the set of apartments below Archer's. There were already holes in the walls and several pieces of plaster all over the floor. A decorative vase that had been full of flowers was shattered and flowers were everywhere.
"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory groaned.
CRASH!
"Wow," Archer was heard. "These hallway walls are a lot thinner than I thought."
"This is the real reason you stayed behind isn't it?" Mallory groaned.
"Yup," Ray nodded as he took a drink from his flask.
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl cackled as she hit the wall with her pickaxe.
"Cheryl stop it!" Mallory snapped. "That lemur is obviously not in that wall!"
"I know," Cheryl said cheerfully as she kept hitting the wall with the pickaxe.
"That exterminator you didn't want to hire is looking pretty cheap by now isn't it?" Ray looked at Mallory.
Mallory groaned. "Remind me to make a comment about you being cheap later." She stormed after the others. "Oh god there's even more of a mess further down!"
Archer was pounding the walls with the end of his cane. The electric blasts from it made small holes in the walls. Pam was pounding the walls where Krieger was pointing. There was debris everywhere. "Will you idiots knock it off?" Mallory screamed. "Sterling stop using your cane! You're going to…"
The lights started to dim. Then it went dark. "Short out the wiring in the walls…" Mallory sighed.
"Got it!" Krieger pointed. "Reggie went into that apartment over there!"
"Oh God no…" Mallory winced. "Not Ms. Hargrave! Damn it! If she sees that damn lemur…"
"Who's she?" Archer blinked.
"She's the head of the co-op board in your apartment building!" Mallory snapped.
"My apartment building has a co-op board?" Archer blinked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A female sounding scream was heard.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Another scream was heard, but more familiar.
"Wait that sounded like…" Archer went to the apartment.
The apartment door flung open and Cyril was hopping out of it, trying to put his pants on. "Cyril! What the hell are you doing here?" Archer barked.
"Getting the hell away from that gremlin thing!" Cyril told him.
"Mother why is Cyril here?" Archer did a double take.
"That was Cyril's mission," Ray told him. "To keep Ms. Hargrave happy and unaware of what we were doing."
"You had Cyril do a honeypot mission?" Archer shouted.
"Who do you think I used when you were in the coma?" Mallory snapped. "Pam?"
Pam spoke up. "Well there was that one time in Greece…"
"Doesn't count!" Mallory snapped.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ms. Hargrave screamed. "IT BIT ME! AAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!" Cyril screamed as Reggie fled out the door.
"Way to go Cyril!" Archer snapped.
"I didn't see you going after it!" Cyril snapped.
"Oh, dear God!" Krieger shouted. "It's loose in the halls!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" A high-pitched scream was heard.
"YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!"
"It's mauling some kind of rat," Cheryl called out. "Oh wait, it's a dog. Not a rat. My mistake."
"POOKY! NO!" Mrs. Skeffington was heard screaming. "GET AWAY FROM MY POOKY! OWWWW!"
"SCREEEEE!"
"It's going down that way!" Krieger pointed.
"Good then I'm going this way!" Cyril told them as he tried to leave in the opposite direction.
"Oh, come on!" Ray grabbed him by the arm and forced him to follow.
"Don't open that door!" Pam called out as she saw a door open.
"What?" A woman looked outside.
"SCRREEEEEE!" Reggie bolted past her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
SMASH! SMASH!
"OWWW! MOMMY!"
"Told her not to open it," Pam shrugged.
SMASH!
"GOD DAMN IT!" A man shouted. "Some kind of furry gremlin bit me!"
SMASH!
"CHARGE!" Pam called out as she ran into the room with Archer, Krieger and Cheryl.
The sounds of things being smashed were heard. "Oh, I'm going to be blamed for this," Mallory groaned. "I just know it!"
"Here," Ray pulled a bottle of Glengoolie Blue out of his coat. "I was going to keep this for myself but you need it more."
CRASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"GET IT! IT'S OVER THERE!" Archer called out. "REGGIE COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!"
SMASH! CRASH!
Mallory took a swig from the bottle. "I'd forgotten what this was like."
"The Glengoolie Blue?" Ray asked.
SMASH!
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl cackled.
"No," Mallory took another drink. "Life before the coma."
"Oh right," Ray nodded.
SMASH!
"Damn it idiots!" Mallory screamed. "You'd better not let that stupid thing get away!"
"We won't!" Archer called out.
"SCREEE!"
"It bit me!" A woman screamed.
"Sterling you'd better not screw this up!" Mallory shouted.
"God Mother will you relax?" Archer shouted. "Reggie's not going to get away!"
Less than twenty minutes later…
The doorman at Archer's apartment complex stood at his post outside. He heard muffled screams and screeches inside. Then the sounds of yelling. Something breaking.
"What in the…?" He opened the door and peeked inside to see what was going on in the lobby.
"SCRREEEEEEEEEEEECH!"
Reggie jumped on top of the doorman, mauling him. "GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!" The doorman screamed.
Reggie jumped off just before Archer arrived with his cane. Unfortunately, Archer used the electric charge in his cane.
"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" The doorman screamed as he was electrocuted. Then passed out on the ground.
"Sorry!" Archer called out. "I was aiming for the lemur. Which you got in the way! Stupid doorman!"
"Where'd it go?" Pam called out as the others arrived outside the apartment. "Did you get it?"
"No!" Archer snapped. "Stupid doorman dropped the ball. And he's just lying there on the job!"
"There it is!" Cheryl pointed. "Crossing the…"
SCREEEECH! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
CRASH! SMASH! SMASH!
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
CRASH!
"Street…" Cheryl blinked. "Wow, that's a big crash!"
"And there goes Reggie," Ray pointed as the lemur disappeared down an alley.
"Reggie! Reggie come back!" Archer shouted. "REGGIE!"
"I don't think Reggie is coming back," Pam remarked.
"Would you come back?" Ray asked.
"No, I would not," Pam admitted. "One of these days I should follow Reggie's example."
"Yes, you should," Mallory glared at her. "But make sure you actually get hit by traffic!"
The following day in Mallory's office…
"Well," Mallory sighed as she drank some scotch. "Let me recap yesterday's little adventure of the Five Stooges. Three priceless porcelain antiquities were smashed to pieces. An apartment was trashed. As well as the lobby. Several holes in the wall which I am forced to pay for. As well as some minor rewiring. A doorman was electrocuted. A Chihuahua was mauled. Six people were bitten, including Ms. Hargrave and a nine-year-old boy. We're being sued by several tenants and the ASPCA. They found some kind of toxic mold due to the excessive buildup of lemur droppings in the walls."
"Who knew drugged up lemur shit could be so dangerous?" Archer shrugged. The gang from yesterday was there in the office.
"Sterling your rent has just gone up thirty percent," Mallory poured herself another drink.
"That's not good right?" Archer asked.
"Not for you," Mallory glared at him. "Since I'm taking that out of your salary!"
"What? Why?" Archer gasped.
"Because I need the money to pay off the damage," Mallory groaned. "And bribe Ms. Hargrave!"
"Way to go Cyril," Pam looked at him.
"That is not my fault!" Cyril snapped. "How can I seduce a woman when a crazed drugged up lemur bites her on the ass!?"
"And several other places," Pam groaned.
"Not to mention the three-car pileup," Ray finished. "And sightings of a zombie lemur running around Central Park!"
"You realize I'm going to have to pay through the nose for you to keep your apartment?" Mallory shouted at her son. "Let alone not being prosecuted for assault and animal cruelty!"
"How is this my fault?" Archer asked.
"You're the one who bought the damn lemur in the first place!" Ray shouted.
"Technically I stole him," Archer corrected.
"Oh yes," Mallory threw up her hands. "That makes this entire situation so much better!"
"How does it not?" Archer was confused.
"I never thought I'd say this," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "But I was happier when you were in the coma!"
"So was Mrs. Skeffington," Ray added. "And Ms. Hargrave!"
"Hang on…" Krieger spoke up. "Are we or are we not going lemur hunting this weekend?"
"What do you think?" Mallory snapped.
"Yes?" Krieger asked hopefully. To this Mallory growled and poured herself another drink.