POV: Amanda Rollins for the most part
Time line is a bit mixed up, but should be easy enough to follow
18 months. It had been 18 miserable months since I had been reamed out in my captain's office after getting caught up in Declan Murphy's undercover gambling sting. The humiliation of getting told by my idol, The Olivia Benson, that she lost trust in me and that if we weren't so short staffed she would have transferred me. That day. The most embarrassing part was that I could have prevented it. If only I had seen how far I was falling, I could have asked my old captain, Cragen for help or done something, but instead I refused and that shame became mine to bear.
Despite her dismissing me without believing my willingness to get back into her good graces I had done everything to return there. I have not been late once in the entire time, except one time where I went over in my therapy appointment. Of course Olivia had been waiting for me to reprimand me in the middle of the squad room, I could have admitted where I had been, but that would have been admitting that I had sought help and sounding weak to the one person I wish I could please. I still cannot believe that I routinely attend therapy and it really has helped me, as much as I hate to admit that. I go every Gambler Anonymous meeting I can and I hadn't felt the need to gamble in over a year. For the entire year anniversary since that fateful day, I did not want to gamble, I couldn't disappoint Olivia again.
After that year, things only got worse. I had been relegated to desk duty because Fin, my now ex-partner, couldn't back me up and I had been knocked unconscious. Yet it was me who got punished and Fin who was sympathised with by Olivia. It became clear things were unlikely to change, but I still put my best foot forward in the slim chance I would ever be forgiven.
"Go file these documents" and "Go be useful and get us coffee or something" is all I get told anymore. I fill out my paperwork, grab some of Mike Dodds' paperwork and I yet I am always in trouble for slacking. I started taking paperwork home with me, not mine, it was always Fin's paperwork or Olivia's, as I had more than enough time to fill them out double over yet I was still a lazy co-worker.
It was nice, however, when Deputy Chief William Dodds (Mike's father) questioned me over why I take so much overtime. There are hardly any days now that I don't take a second shift when needed or rock up if I am only on call. Mike has truly been a godsend and although he hasn't been here long he trusts my instincts and believes in me. I told him the backstory behind the tension and whilst he understood my superiors being angry he thought that it had carried on for too long, given the effort I was putting in to better my situation.
It was upon advice from both Mike and his father that I reconnected with Cragen. We catch up quite often, sometimes Mike will join, or Cragen's wife, but most surprising was when William joined. I was amazed at his willingness to see how far I've come. He has told me how proud he is of my efforts and a couple months ago, he informed me how he wishes that I would increase my confidence. He wishes that as he hopes Fin and Benson might take the hint that they had to "stop treating me shit." His words not mine. I still felt guilty for everything and although my heart was being torn to shreds over recent months, I couldn't 'grow a set of balls' as one might say.
The support of both Cragen (now acting as my mentor and sponsor) and the Deputy Chief could only get me so far. I had been limited to working at my desk for so long that when I caught wind of the FBI needing a blonde cop matching my description to go undercover, I jumped at the opportunity. Of course I didn't go through the normal route of asking my direct supervisor, Olivia, if I could participate, instead I went straight to Dodds who hesitantly agreed. He was most worried about further recriminations once I returned to the unit and whether it would be wise at all for me to return. I held my ground but asked for him to back me up with whatever my cover story for the unit would be during my disappearance. Of course I told Mike, but he knew that telling Olivia and Fin would only make matters worse.
Whilst I was offered a job at the FBI by my new friends, I declined saying I wasn't done with SVU as my heart was most drawn to helping victims with similar experiences to me. I do not regret the assignment and in fact Mike told me how Olivia and Fin could not comprehend how snowed under paperwork they had become. Apparently so bad where the Deputy Chief Dodds had to reallocate new cases to allow them to take a few days to file all their overdue papers. Apparently that humiliating experience had not made Olivia and Fin appreciate me as I thought they would but instead became new ammunition for denying me their trust.
Today, however, was the final straw.
I admit some of the anger angled at me was justified, yet the unrelenting downpour of snide comments was enough for me to finally accept the job offer. My background in criminology had impressed the FBI and they told me they would open a position for me if the occasion arose. I might have been a little tipsy one night and revealed the hostility of the SVU workplace.
As I walked into the workplace 18 months after my reaming, I knew Olivia would be waiting for me. In all fairness, I hadn't told her I would be coming in late, but Chief Dodd's granted me the morning off. He was even so nice to come with me along with Cragen to support me in receiving my 18 month GA chip. I was honoured that he felt I was worthy enough to take his morning off yet as I walked into the squad room my anxiety skyrocketed as I set my eyes upon my desk.
Olivia Benson was not only waiting for me, but was sitting on my desk, arms folded with the angriest expression I have seen, one that is normally reserved for suspects. Unfortunately, before I have the opportunity to say good morning to Mike or even make myself a coffee Olivia storms towards me and stops right in my face.
"WHY DID I HAVE TO FIND OUT FROM MIKE THAT YOU WOULD BE COMING IN LATE THIS MORNING? AND WHY DID YOU GO ABOVE MY HEAD AND NOT EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK ME IF YOU SO DESIRED?"
As intimidating as Olivia was being, I wiped the spit off my face and walked around her to my desk. I look at Mike, who gives me a sympathetic smile, before sighing and giving into Olivia's questions.
"I remember not only three weeks ago asking for two days off for personal reasons. You denied it without asking what my reasons might be. My mother passed away and all you could say was how lazy I was and how I always wanted to avoid work."
My anger builds and I wipe my eye that is starting to build with tears.
"I couldn't even attend my own mother's funeral because I was so apprehensive about speaking to my direct supervisor let alone once again asking for personal days. So yes, I went to Deputy Chief Dodds because at least he will let me get a word in without automatically assuming that I had gone back to gambling."
I could see that Olivia had started grinding her teeth and clenching her hands and I was glad to see Mike carefully filming the situation out of the corner of my eyes.
"Rollins, you are still my subordinate. It is not good enough that you will not only ignore my orders, but that you additionally go around me to get what you want. In fact, I have just received good news about getting a transfer from the Bronx SVU. She will be coming in just over a month and when I read that I was so glad I would only have to put up with your sorry arse until then."
I started tearing up before I looked back at Mike, who looked equally as saddened by this news..
"Rollins, LISTEN TO ME"
I snapped back to look at her fuming face as she continued to rant.
"I am glad with this latest development of your behaviour as it allows me to suspend you for insubordination for the rest of your time with us and in just over a month you will be transferred to Atlanta PD."
I look up at her with disgust. How could she not care about me enough to send me back to the place where the atrocity that involved Patton and the corrupt Atlanta PD.
"Well thank you Captain Olivia Fucking Benson. I am glad you have stated your little opinion of me. You'll be glad to know that I will just clear my desk and locker with no complaints."
I start to clear my desk after Fin shoves a box in my face.
"As you have made your desires known, I will happily call the Deputy Chief and let him know that he will no longer be able to meet up with me for our weekly meetings."
I start storming towards the lockers with Mike carrying my box, his generosity and support makes me calm down a little. Olivia and Fin follow behind us, regardless of whether they were welcome or not.
"I shall also be sure to let him know about your ignorant plan to try sending me back into the arms of the Atlanta assholes. In fact, why don't I call him to come down now. I'm sure after he had to beg me to stay three months ago, he'd be dying to hear why I've finally given up on SVU."
Olivia still looks angry, but now a hint of confusion is in her eyes.
"Olivia, you remember that period of time where I was undergoing personal development for a few months in Miami."
Still confused, she nods her head.
"I heard that the FBI had needed a blonde cop to fill in an undercover spot. I was so miserable and on the verge of quitting everything I'd worked hard to fix that I practically begged the Deputy Chief Dodds to allow me to go."
Olivia now has a sly smirk upon her face.
"And another lie, gees Rollins, I don't know if there's anyone who could get anywhere near as close to your lying addiction."
The fire inside me starts building and I take a breath to calm me down, Mike's hand on my arm helps too.
"Well, I'll tell you this. The FBI was rather pleased with my work ethic. They were shocked to hear how poorly I was being treated despite knowing the full extent of my gambling situation were willing to support me more then you ever were."
She finds offence to this, once again getting in my face.
"Rollins, Cragen once helped you to fix your problems, Fin gave you money and yet you still fell back down that hole. That was your own doing."
I lose it. My tears are now streaming down my face. I know that what will happen next will likely ruin any chance at redemption, even though that was a long lost dream that died when we took down the gambling ring. I notice that Mike is texting his father to get to us quickly.
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME OLIVIA. YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME! YES CRAGEN ONCE HELPED ME SORT OUT MY GAMBLING. I.." I start to lose it and have to take a deep breath.
I can't believe Olivia. She is finding this amusing. My struggles and pain are funny.
"Before I knew you, I worked under Charles Patton in Atlanta – where you have just transferred me. You are transferring me back to that hellhole despite knowing about their corruption and the fact that HE RAPED ME. You claim that everyone has a right to get justice and to gain control over their situation but me, I am nothing and don't deserve that right."
Olivia is looking slightly shocked.
"He raped you but you said…"
Her mouth now gaping.
The fire burning continues and I know I need to get this out.
"You didn't care. You were too caught up with being angry at me and hating me that no matter what I could do, nothing would force you to have sympathy for me."
I take another deep breath.
"Anyone with half a brain and the heart to think about me for any length of time would have figured why my gambling became such a problem."
Olivia sits down as if she is actually contemplating believing what I am saying and Fin actually looks slightly guilty.
"My therapist worked that out in two sessions. That my trauma had manifested into my gambling addiction and that when Patton came back for that was why I relapsed."
Olivia looks like someone killed her puppy as she looks up begging to ask a question. I nod.
"When did you start seeing a therapist? I thought that they were just a waste of money."
I can't believe she didn't ever see the efforts that I was going through to fix our relationship. I was devasted.
"I went to see a therapist the day after you berated me in your office. Yes I deserved it. I know that, I'm not an idiot. I told you I would never stop trying to get into your good graces. You said we're done. I suppose I should have realised that was finality of our working relationship entirely."
She looks shocked at the impact her words had on me and I take a deep breath to prevent the growing panic before I finally continue.
"I have gone to therapy every week at least once. Sometimes as much as three times a week. I didn't want to go but I knew I had to if I wanted to be trusted again. I went to GA meetings whenever I could although eventually I couldn't attend any meetings."
Confused by that statement, I answer Olivia's question before she could ask why.
"I couldn't attend any meetings because I would rock up two hours before shift, leave two hours later before grabbing whatever paperwork I could from Mike's desk, Fin's or yours before going home and completing that until I passed out from shear exhaustion."
Fin and Olivia look questioning at each other.
"Is that why when you were gone our paperwork built up so much?"
Angrily I reply,
"Of course it is. Eventually Mike told me to stop touching his work and his father and this nice man you might know, Cragen convinced me to stop working hard. In fact, I was working so hard that I won the NYPD overtime award every month for the past year. But you wouldn't know that. I never used any of that money for myself. After I paid off my debts I donated any overtime pay to programs that support gambling addicts. I mean, four months ago I won a community hero award for my willingness to help others overcome their addictions and share my story. The newspapers were pretty pissed when I couldn't fit them into my schedule but working as much as I did, people realise quickly that I was being more then reasonable to send them a written message."
I see Dodds walk by to keep an eye out in case anything gets out of hand. Olivia now with tears in her eyes asks how she could have missed my improvements.
"Well based on my knowledge of how people think. You were so blinded by your anger over me breaking your trust, both you and Fin felt so deceived that your hearts subconsciously refused to let me in again. I know I said I would never stop trying to get into your good graces, but the level of heartache that I have experienced over the past 18 months has become too much."
Olivia's lip quivers as she asks
"What are you saying Amanda?"
I smile sadly as her use of my name brings joy to my heart.
"I'm saying that I need to leave. We might be able to one day build a friendship or at least tolerate one another again but I don't think I can work at any capacity with you and Fin again. You don't trust me to have your back, and whilst I could only try assure you I do, to be frank I don't know if I could ever trust you to have mine."
Olivia stands whilst her eyes are still wet as she moves to request the Deputy Chief's presence.
"Deputy Chief, could you come in here please."
I look at her confused, what is she about to do? My mind races as she reaches for her gun and badge
"I would like to formally resign from SVU as I regret to admit my inability to treat all members of my team as equals. Additionally, I endangered the life of a subordinate and I feel that it would be unwise for me to continue in a leadership position given the severe abuse of power that has taken place."
I shake my head no no no she can't do this. This isn't fair. Before I can voice my thoughts the Deputy puts the gun and badge back in her hands.
"Olivia, your resignation from the SVU would only be detrimental to the wider community of New York. I am hereby denying your request. I would like to propose a potential solution if all are in favour."
He looks towards me, and I realise that whatever it is will impact me more than the others.
"I would like to send you all away for a month. You will undergo counselling all of you, stay at the same location, a farm, and be forced to work together in a team to effectively maintain the farm. If you can do this, I see no reason why anyone must leave. That is if you all, especially you Amanda, agree to this."
I contemplate it whilst walking over to the window. When I finally turn back around some minutes later I see all eyes on me, half of which are full of regret and guilt.
"I would give anything to get my family in you guys back. I can't promise that it will be easy but as long as you are all willing to give it your best. I suppose I can take that for now."
Olivia looks grateful for my decision but just as she is about to ask a question Dodds interrupts.
"If you so desire Olivia, I can have a formal reprimand written. I could suspend you for the duration of the trip away, three weeks unpaid and the forth paid. Will that somewhat satisfy your feeling of a 'get out of jail free card'?"
She nods her head and Fin demands he receive the same treatment.
"Alright then. With that settled. You can all take the rest of the week off, paid. Whilst I organise the location and details. Check your emails for further information. Liv, Fin do not contact Amanda until Monday. If you so desire for whatever reason Mike or I can approve it. I suggest you both see Cragen over the next couple days. I have no doubt he will have some words for you both of reprimands and those that will encourage change for the better. Amanda…."
He turns to Amanda just as she starts to collapse and he catches her before she can hit the ground.
"Mike call an ambulance, now!"
As quickly as Amanda collapsed, unconscious, EMTs are running in and place her on a gurney before rushing her to the hospital. Olivia and Fin look at each other in tears before they too follow Chief Dodds into a SUV to follow Amanda and Mike to the hospital.
They finally arrived at Bellevue and rush inside to find Mike with tears running down his face. Unsure of the severity of the situation, Olivia slowly approaches him before wiping away tears on her own face.
"Mike… Mike what happened, where is she?"
Her voice cracked, although she had been angry and realised now how badly it impacted Amanda she was still concerned about Amanda's wellbeing.
Mike turns to look at her with some anger in his eyes, whilst still saddened.
"She was having extreme pain and trouble breathing, the doctors rushed her into surgery. They think it's stress related likely Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or something. Her heart arrested. They are doing whatever they can."
The stunned and devastated faces of Olivia, Fin and Deputy Chief Dodds, would have been slightly amusing to Amanda, but given the current scenario all they could do is wait.