"Don't forget to mop up when you're finished! I'll be over there!"
When Shinji saw Asuka approaching his table, he knew his quiet lunch with Rei had come to an end. He enjoyed sitting by Rei in the schoolyard and eating silently with her. It was the most peaceful meal of the day, considering his two roommates, and it felt like a sort of meditation. It wouldn't be very quiet in a moment, but at least he still wouldn't have to say much. He saw Rei flinch ever so slightly. An emotional reaction of any kind from her was a rare and cherished sight. It was not enough to buoy his mood under such circumstances.
"Those two are absolutely disgusting. Odious! Their lewd display. And in front of everybody!"
Asuka Langley Soryu, now standing before the other two, jabbed her thumb over her shoulder in the general direction of Hikari and Toji.
"Look at them! I've been to college, I've seen some lascivious behavior. But them? They get off on being watched, I can tell! Look at the way he's lecherously eyeballing that poor waif! He's ready to gnaw a chunk off of her backside, not that there's much meat on that bone. And her, she's the biggest horndog of the entire class. The responsible ones always are. Give them the smallest sliver of power, the barest taste, and they're insatiable. They're all alike. Wound up tighter than a... tighter than a..."
Shinji peered beyond Asuka. Toji was blushingly unwrapping a bento he had just received from Hikari, who was also blushing and additionally chewing on her lips in rapt anticipation. Shinji shrugged.
"I think she just made his lunch again."
"Of course you defend them! Probably because you get off watching them, you stupid pervert," Asuka spat back. Her head of steam had boiled off somewhat. She dropped herself down onto the bench opposite Shinji and Rei. The sight of them together was like another heap of coal into the furnace.
"Here, I'll get out of your way. Enjoy the view! Just don't stand up too fast or you might faint. And you two, sitting next to each other like necking lovebirds, not across from each other? It's not normal! Now I have to chaperone the both of you since Ms Horaki doesn't have time for me at lunch anymore. I very much hope I'm not interrupting anything here!"
Shinji glanced down at his empty bento.
"No, we were just eating. Did you like yours today?"
"What? Oh, yeah, it was fine," Asuka said, tossing her own empty one onto the table.
"Oh good, that's nice. Um," Shinji trailed off. He glanced back at his friend and the class representative eating across the yard. Toji was indicating various portions of his lunch and clearly singing the cook's praises. Hikari had covered her mouth to hide her excitement. Shinji was touched by the light in their eyes.
Asuka rolled her eyes.
"Look at you drinking them in. You're impossible. I better not hear you at 'cello practice' tonight just because Misato's going to be out late!"
"Asuka! Please! Be quiet!"
Asuka snorted and leaned back, hands folded behind her head.
"What, you're afraid the other girls will hear? Don't think they're interested. Believe me, what you do in the so-called privacy of my own home is written all over your face."
"Please! It's just... you're being very loud..."
"Written on your hand, too. And on the tissues in your wastebin. I've heard some boys do it in a sock. Mein Gott! How desperate do you have to be for that kind of substitute? I'm glad you got laundry duty because I do not want to know!"
Shinji nervously surveyed the rest of the schoolyard. There were the usual winks from some of the boys which he did his best to not see, or unsee. He saw a group of girls glancing at Asuka with contempt written on their own faces. One of them held back her hair Asuka-style and bared her teeth like an enraged monkey. Another one mouthed something along the lines of "just screw him already" to the group and the other girls tittered and peeped at them. Finally he caught his other friend Kensuke's eye. Kensuke winked, too, and then mimed an indecent act.
"It's just," Asuka began again but at a lower volume much to Shinji's relief, "It's just that they behave like they invented love. Like nobody has loved before. Everybody on Earth falls in love eventually."
Asuka suddenly found a spot on the table very interesting to scrape at with her fingernail.
"Don't they? Our stupid ape brains order us to copulate for the benefit of our species and the most idiotic reasons will do. So what if Hikari made Suzuhara lunch? Why should that matter to a rational being? Sustenance should be a human right! How many times have people the world over said 'I love you' like it was the most unique phrase in all the world? And it works! It's stupid! Find something new to do! Find something new to say!"
Rei said, "Can you express your love in a new way?"
Asuka's head shot Rei a icy blue glare, not that Rei was perturbed.
"What, the dead fish has an opinion on love? Sorry, Wondergirl, but you couldn't possibly understand what those of us among the living feel. 'Can you?' What do you mean 'Can you?'!? I don't know, can you?! Someday you'll eat those words, I swear it!"
Asuka stood up suddenly. Realizing she had committed herself to leaving in a huff, she followed through with the act.
"I'm sorry," said Shinji once Asuka was out of earshot.
"Why?" said Rei. She passed her empty bento box to Shinji. "Thank you for lunch."
"I don't know. And you're welcome!"
"You are not responsible for her," Rei said, picking up Asuka's abandoned bento. She passed it to Shinji.
"This, also, belongs to you?"
Shinji took the container from Rei and sighed.
Towards the end of the school day, Shinji saw another opportunity to quietly sit with Rei. The class was in groups, ostensibly for a project, but it had devolved into gossiping or bickering depending on the group assignments. Rei stared out the window as usual. Her group was off to the side, knowing that Rei would accept what they assigned her and complete it to perfection. His group, Toji and Kensuke, had mentally checked out for the day. Shinji got up and joined Rei.
"Hey," said Shinji. Rei looked up at him.
"Ikari."
Shinji glanced out of the window. He couldn't guess what had interested Rei outside. Tokyo-3 gleamed outside, but surely somebody as thoughtful and deep as Rei seemed to Shinji wouldn't be fascinated by shiny things. He sat down in the empty chair ahead of her.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I am thinking about earlier, with her," she said, flitting her eyes towards Asuka. Asuka had appointed herself captain of her group and appeared to be threatening to keelhaul Hikari for not pulling her weight.
"Really? Don't worry about all that, it's just Asuka being Asuka."
"Yes, it is true. I am not worried. I specifically meant the question I posed to her."
"Yeah. I guess I was thinking about it, too. It's really interesting. She kind of made a good point, maybe."
Rei said nothing.
"What do you think about all that?" Shinji asked, increasingly desperate for reasons not clear to even himself.
Rei was often asked what she thought about this or that by Dr. Akagi, or Katsuragi, or the other staff at Gehirn. They sought concrete answers that Rei was able to provide. Shinji's questions were open-ended and often not about what they seemed to be. Rei decided to take a chance.
"Would you like to read my poetry, Ikari?"
Shinji's jaw dropped.
"The idea upsets you? I apologize."
"No! I just, I didn't expect it. I mean, not that I thought you couldn't write poetry! I know you read a lot, obviously. I guess, I don't know!"
Rei used Shinji's stammering time to write out one of her poems. She slid the paper to him when he was finished.
Found, unseen
Felt, unheld
Together twice in pairs alone
Said, unheard
Wrote, unread
Choosing losing one another
Shinji looked from the paper to Rei and back to the paper.
"Thank you! That was pretty! It felt really personal, at least to me. Thanks for sharing it with me, really."
"The poem is not about me. It is about what I see and observe, but thank you," Rei said. Shinji felt his cheeks tingle.
"So why do you write poetry?" he asked.
Rei thought for a moment.
"Words are all I have, all we have, to express the ineffable meaning of our lives. An economy of words, such as in a poem, has an unexpected effect. Each word becomes saturated with meaning. Specificity in prose is useful for descriptive, not evocative, purposes. When I wrote that poem, I understood the meaning I wished to convey but not with precision. I wrote the words down using intuition and thus produced the deeper meaning I intended. The doctor says it is good for me to exercise my sense of intuition. She said empiricism is useful in science but makes for 'dry table talk'."
"That's really beautiful," Shinji said, meaning it. "So what is it about if it's not too personal?"
"It is about reciprocation without cognizance."
"Oh. Then what's the title of the poem?"
Rei felt her own pallid expression grow rosy.
"I title my poems after their subject, or subjects in this case. For organizational purposes."
Shinji found himself unable to meet Rei's eyes or press the question.
"Hey, idiot! Home! Now!" Asuka called out from the hall.
Shinji looked around and realized school had let out a few minutes ago. The rest of the class was packing their things or already gone. He scrambled to pull his belongings together.
"Uh, well, thank you, Ayanami!" Shinji said.
Rei took in a breath. Shinji froze in place.
"Ikari. She does not know how to say the words. If you provided her with words to say, it could help her express herself."
"I, uh, I don't know how."
"Neither do I. It is my intuition, though."
It was a warm walk home like any other day. Asuka strolled, strutted, swung her bag around, and circled Shinji like a shark. Shinji found himself tense to the point of hunching his shoulders up around his ears. The anticipation was worse than Asuka's bite. Almost. Today the strike came from behind.
"So what were you and Ms Honors Student talking about? I was practically halfway home by the time I noticed I had forgotten you. What if you got lost? What would I tell the old spinster? Your leash broke?"
"I wouldn't get lost, don't be ridiculous!"
Asuka wheeled around and ahead of Shinji.
"They'd probably take us away from her in that case. Well, me. You'd be long gone. So sad. I don't think I packed anything black for your funeral. Do you wear black in Japan or some crazy color like magenta? Yes, they'd take me away because I'm too valuable to trust to an irresponsible alcoholic. Everyone says so, even that ice bitch Akagi."
"Asuka!"
Asuka wagged her finger in Shinji's face.
"Quit dodging the question! I can see through your attitude."
Shinji let out a theatrical sigh, though he knew it wouldn't have any effect on Asuka. Still it felt good to act out if she was going to do it, also.
"Ayanami and I were actually talking about what you said earlier about love," Shinji said. Sometimes it was fun to deliberately toss some chum into the water, even if he tended to regret it in the end. It at least made the walk home pass by quicker.
"Oh, is that so? The two intimates, one a eunuch and the other some neuter lab-grown thing, discussing such adult matters. I really ought to keep a closer eye on you two before it becomes you three."
Shinji was piqued now. He twisted the knife.
"She even showed me her poetry. Hurk!"
Asuka slammed her schoolbag into Shinji's chest, bringing him to a complete stop. Shinji supposed that the trip home would take longer now as he massaged his sternum.
"Ayanami writes poetry!? Where is it? Show me right now!"
"Well, actually, I only have the one..." Shinji said, fumbling through his pockets. He produced the paper, but immediately dropped it and it fluttered into the breeze. Asuka caught it in her fist.
"It's pretty," he offered.
"Be quiet!" she hissed, unfolding the paper. She read it, her face melting from glee into something quite unreadable.
"What the hell is this about?"
"She said she names them after who, I mean what, they're about but she didn't tell me the title."
"Well I hate it. It sucks!" said Asuka, tossing it back into the air. Shinji watched it drift into the street. He thought about chasing after it, but didn't want to start up the fight with Asuka again. Anyway, he could ask Rei for another copy later or perhaps another poem. That poem had made him feel uneasy, like stepping on stage into a spotlight.
"I liked it," he muttered.
"Stop avoiding the subject! What exactly did you two talk about? What would you have to say about love to the likes of her?"
Shinji paraphrased Rei's ideas about the economy of words and other things as coherently as possible.
"You kind of talked about the same thing earlier, don't you think?"
"Huh," said Asuka. "That's actually... We may actually agree. She could be right. Because if I told somebody 'I love you' it sounds more genuine than if I said 'I love you so much' and that sounds even more genuine compared to something really corny like 'I love you more than anything' doesn't it? What do you think?"
Shinji was having trouble hearing over his pounding heart. His head ached from all the theoreticals thrown around here, much like it did after a difficult physics lesson.
"I love you," Shinji said to the ground. "Yeah, I suppose you're both right."
"But is she, though? It loops around on itself. 'I love you?' 'I love you!?' It's so bland, so basic. It doesn't mean anything more than an overflow of hormones that lead frivolous people to blabber on about such crap. Imagine hearing that over and over? 'I love you! I love you! I love you!' Shinji, how could you stand it?"
Asuka started walking again. Shinji stayed still for a moment.
"I imagine I couldn't," he said to nobody and trotted after her.
Later that evening, Shinji laid awake in bed. The apartment was quiet. Asuka had gone to bed earlier than him as usual. Misato was still out, so there was no beer can clattering or drunken laughter from the living room. Pen-Pen was in his refrigerator. Shinji's sense of being dissolved into the silence and he felt as though he was floating in a great void, just him and his SDAT player. He was where he wanted to be and he hated it.
Shinji had his earphones in, but had stopped the tape a while ago. Everything he had talked about with Rei and Asuka ran through his head on repeat. He stroked with his thumb the stop, rewind, and play buttons as he looped through his memories.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you...
Shinji punched the stop button for real, which made him feel silly. He got out of bed and went to his desk to write something down while it was on his mind. He took out a blank sheet of paper. Shinji tried to assemble some verse in his head, but so few words didn't feel like enough. The paper seemed to stretch on forever.
"She'd probably slap me into next month, anyway, writing a poem."
Giving up on that idea, Shinji wrote Asuka a letter.
Dear Asuka,
I can't stop thinking about what Ayanami said. Maybe it's true
that there isn't anything new to say or do. I think that
there are new ways to feel it, though, all around us. Do you
think that me, you, and Misato have something special together?
I think we could.
Yours,
Shinji
It wasn't poetry, but it was the best he could do. Rei was right. Too many words and the meaning became muddled. Including Misato diluted the message. He couldn't even use the one word he wanted to use the most. Shinji felt like a coward. He had written nothing new.
Shinji crept out of his room into the dark apartment. Asuka's door was opposite his own. He went to knock, but hesitated. Why write a note if he was simply going to hand it to her? He imagined her balling it up and throwing it in his face.
He instead knelt by her door to investigate the delivery possibilities. He saw that he could slip it through the gap between the sliding door and the stationary panel. Shinji carefully folded the note. He held it against the door with his finger and slowly pushed it through the gap until it was halfway through. Then he froze, paralyized with doubt and second thoughts.
After an age passed, he felt a tugging on the note. Somebody on the other side was pulling it through. He lifted his finger off the note. The paper stayed hanging, holding in the gap.
Then the note disappeared into the crack, a swift and fluid glide. Shinji heard his own breathing and another's behind the thin wall. He stayed absolutely still. Finally, as cacophonous and violent as tearing steel, he heard the sound of ripping paper. Shinji's eyes burned and he gritted his teeth. He started to get up, to retreat, to take the fresh hurt and hold it in his heart all night.
A piece of paper suddenly stuck out of the crack before he turned away. It shook up and down like bait on a fishing line.
Shinji knelt back down on the floor and took the paper. It was part of his letter.
I can't stop...
Shinji pursed his lips and tore it roughly in half. He fed the final word, stop, back through the gap. He heard more tearing.
...it's true
Shinji was stumped.
"C'mon," he whispered, "I need something to work with."
The door shook a bit and he heard quick, sharp tears.
Do you... emerged through the crack.
Shinji smiled to himself. Fortunately, more chunks of the note followed, fluttering to the floor in a pile as she flicked them through the gap. He read through what remained and got an idea. He slid back the end, slightly modified.
...me, you, and Misato have something special...
I think we could.
Yours,
Shinji
Shinji heard what might have been a sigh. Then three quick tears. Then three ragged scraps returned to him, split apart.
you,
me,
and Misato have something special
The meaning was clear enough. He heard shuffling behind the door. Asuka was gone. The door panels bowed inwards without her weight pressing against them. Then, muffled, he heard the dull impact of her body hitting her bed. The exchange had ended. Shinji returned to his room with his scraps of paper.
Shinji sat back down at his desk. He placed Asuka's last reply in front of him.
you,
me,
"A good title," he whispered.
The other fragments he arrayed around those two. He took out a blank piece of paper and tape and got to work tearing, taping, and rearranging by intuition.
Across the hall, Asuka laid flat on her stomach in bed. She reread the largest piece of Shinji's letter that she had kept for herself.
I think we could.
Yours,
Shinji
Frowning, she rolled it into a ball between her fingers and pinched hard. The slip of paper became tiny and painful to squeeze like a rough pebble. She examined the ball, frowned some more, and smoothed it out again.
I think we could.
Yours,
Shinji
Asuka rolled it back into a ball, then smoothed it out, then repeated the process over and over again. The paper was ragged now and slightly damp with sweat. The words were thoroughly smudged. The tips of her thumb and forefinger were somewhat grey from the ink that had rubbed off, too. Still, indelibly, the message read:
I think we could.
Yours,
Shinji
Asuka rolled it up one final time and ate the wadded up lump of paper.
Misato Katsuragi returned to the apartment in the early morning dark. She thoughtlessly tossed her Gehirn ID lanyard on the kitchen table and was chided by a wark coming from her original roommate's refrigerator.
"Sorry, sorry," she said.
She shuffled and shrugged her way into the living room, carefully shedding her jacket in the most noiseless way possible. She began to undress when she noticed a dim light coming from down the hall. It was coming from Shinji's room.
Misato crept on tip toes towards the light, half curious and half afraid of what she might find. She thought it might be nice to stumble onto something shocking and grinned. She supposed that was odd of her, and her friend Ritsuko often said as much, but her two wards seemed like they dearly wanted something to happen. She didn't feel it was right to stand in their way. The children did enough of that on their own.
Misato peeked through Shinji's door to see that he was simply asleep at his desk. Curiously, he was surrounded by strips of torn paper. Misato gently slid the door open and walked over to him.
"Shinji, go to bed," she said, touching his shoulder.
"Oh... I'm sorry... I..."
"Shh shh, it's fine, just get into bed, okay? Don't even open your eyes. I'll guide you."
Misato turned Shinji's chair in the right direction and pulled him up. Muscle memory took over and Shinji tumbled down into bed at the right moment. By the time Misato had draped a sheet over him, he had already fallen back asleep.
She padded over to his desk to shut off the light when she noticed what he had been working on. Where he had rested his head was another piece of paper with scraps taped to it. She picked it up and read.
you, and me,
I think
there are new ways
to say or do
something special
together?
Do you
feel it
all around us
New and old, familiar and strange, Misato could feel the yearning coming off Shinji's poem through her fingertips. He could not express himself to Asuka any better than how he had on the page Misato held. She thought of Kaji, the words she needed him to say to put aside her foolish lie, the words that never came.
An impish urge to toss the paper through Asuka's door nearly overcame her better judgment. She shook her head. She couldn't force it. If there was something teenagers hated more than disapproval it was encouragement.
She instead laid the poem by Shinji's pillow.
"You have the words, so say them, kiddo."
Bearing her leaden heart back to her own bedroom sapped away Misato's remaining strength. She dropped onto her bed like a felled tree. A boxy lump jabbed her in the ribs. She fished out her phone from underneath herself and unlocked it.
She scrolled through her contacts until she reached the Ks. She always kept his number there just in case he ever called. The risk of mistaking him for a wrong number or telemarketer was too terrifying. She wondered if he, too, still kept her number in his own phone. So he knew not to answer, she assumed.
Misato tapped KAJI, RYOJI and hit Call.
"Hello?" said a tired voice from long ago. Misato had no idea what she could possibly say to him after all she had said before. Intuition told her that might be a good thing.
"I didn't mean a single word I said."
"What?"
"I lied."
There was silence on the line. Misato pressed on.
"Did you know?"
"No. It's too early for this, Katsuragi."
"But not too late, huh?"
The voice chuckled.
"No, it's not too late. What are you doing tomorrow?"
Misato grinned so hard she cried. He didn't know a new day had already begun.