I don't learn my lesson
It's ok to have memories right?
She didn't understand the concept.
The concept which held the memories of the past
Why hold onto the negative, why does the negative taint everything past or present?
Feeling alive was worth it
Except lives hang in the balance don't they?
Way too many questions
Asking the questions
Asking why?
Asking how?
Why did this have to happen and why did the past reflect in the present?
Anger
She was so angry
Not for her
But for someone else this time
Someone who she didn't think would cause her to feel this way
How could they do that to her?
Love
It was the way she loved someone and they loved her back
It was reflected in her life day in day out
How could they do it and hurt her in that way?
All she wanted to do was go home to Peter and cry, all she wanted was to not have that sickness in the pit of her stomach.
All she wanted was for people to accept each other for who they were regardless of looks and responsibilities.
Confusion
It was so confusing
Roy's words echoed in her ears and the way he spoke about his niece
She didn't want to make it all about her
All of the memories she had
All of the upset and torture, she didnt know where to start to fix it all
Could you take care of a broken soul?
Once he took care of her
Took her in at one of the low points in her life
And now he would do the same for his niece
She was family though, blood relation
She was nothing but the gratitude
That was something she loved
Loving and fighting
That's what she should be doing with her boyfriend
Instead they were both fighting for their lives
In hospital
Unable to show the love they had for each other right now
But the love was still there
I swear to love you all my life
The parallels between two people who were different
Carla loved Peter with all her life and from what Roy had said, Nina loved Seb with the same adoration
This wasn't about her though
This was about the future and what this would cause and change
But what if it changed nothing?
Carla herself couldn't bear the thought
She couldn't bear to keep her emotions right now
She didn't want them
The way she looked in the mirror in the dingy hospital toilets the ruined makeup and the tears just flooded down her face and she couldn't stop them no matter how hard she tried
Help me
She was crying out for help
But she wasn't sure who was actually calling out for help
Maybe they did need help, the both of them, more than she would admit
Now he was gone
She didn't know how she was going to cope
The only thing was she didnt know who she was thinking about
No one can hurt you
That wasn't necessarily true though
Everybody hurts
Whether it's physical, very much Nina's case
Or emotional, very much her case and Nina's
Whether people choose to believe either is another story
It could have been a nightmare
Scarily real though
Very real
How could it have been fake?
Battered
Bruised
Damaged
Change isn't what was needed here
Change was a symbol almost an epiphany
People shouldn't change because of the way they look
If I could change the way you see yourself
He wished he could change the way
He wished
Wishes
Because thats all they would be
And no one cares
She did care though
She wanted to care so much
All she wanted was to feel alive and to care
She did care
How could she show that she did?
Memories
It was a simple answer
You are not alone
"You're not alone"
"It feels it" Nina says looking into her eyes, Carla gulps as the tears fill her eyes "He's gone it's as if no one cares even though they do"
"I felt the same" she looks into Nina's eyes, she frowns softly "Just remember you're never as alone as you think"
"It still won't change the way I feel"
If you want trust, you're going to have to give some away
Trust
Because that's the basis of a relationship isn't it?
Having trust in the people you love...
Only if trust was a law you had to abide by because then everyone's relationship would be perfect wouldn't it?
But the thing was her life was perfect, both of their lives were perfect
Hers was perfect
But Nina's?
She lost love
I'm sorry that I let you down
Because that was the way Nina felt
She felt as if she let people down
The parallels were there but Carla herself couldn't bring herself to talk about the past
All these voices in my head get loud
"It's ok to be sad"
"Is it?" Nina questions looking at Carla, she gulps "Why do you even care?"
"The unexpected people care about you more than you think. I knew that the hard way except I pushed everyone away. Don't make that mistake otherwise you will have regrets"
I know you're shining down on me from heaven
"He will look down and be proud of you" Carla says with a small smile, her mug grasped in her hands as she watches Nina put lashings of black eyeliner on her eyes
"I hope so" she sighs closing her eyes "You never did tell me why you cared?"
"It's a story for another day just be proud of who you are Nina don't let anyone take that away from you"
Don't leave I just need a wake up call
"You dont have to go" Nina says quietly, Carla smiles at her before raising her eyebrows
"Unlike you to want me to stay"
"You get it, so does Roy" she says quietly looking downwards "I understand though, you need to get off to see Peter"
"Five more minutes" she offers with a small smile, the little breakthroughs were something to be celebrated over
"Thanks" she whispers walking over to the kettle and boiling it "Will you ever tell me?"
"Soon, kid, soon. When you're ready"
We're facing the greatest
"Here" Peter passes her the plate, she rolls her eyes and places it in the sink, the buzzer goes off "If it's our Daniel tell him to do one"
"People are going to think you hate them soon" Carla points, he just mutters something under his breath before heading into the bedroom, Carla answers the door and to her surprise Nina was there
"Please you need to help me, please" she begs, Carla brings her in for a hug and hushes her "I can't do this"
The greatest loss of them all
"What you've been through is huge"
Huge?
Thats an understatement, she lost someone she loved
Mind you Carla knew how that felt
She lost Liam
Lost Aidan
Lost her baby back then
She lost someone she loved just like Nina had lost the person she loved and that was hard to understand at her age
Carla never really understood it in the forty odd years she had been on this planet
"I lost someone I loved"
"What?" Nina questions rapidly wiping her makeup off, Carla pulls her hand away from her face
"I never would say this in front of Peter but I lost someone who meant so much to me, I sacrificed my love for him so he could be a father"
"What was his name?"
"Liam" Carla says simply, Nina nods "My husband at the time killed him using a hitman because I was having it off with him behind his back. He was the insanely jealous type"
"You don't live a boring life" Nina laughs slightly, Carla rolls her eyes and walks to the kitchen picking up the packet of biscuits "Do you regret it?"
"Having an affair?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't know" Carla says quietly sitting on the sofa "Sometimes I guess but I know that whatever happened in the past led me to this day"
"You almost sound like Roy"
"Eat your biscuits" Carla rolls her eyes causing Nina to laugh slightly "Seb would want you to feel happy Nina and be happy because he loved you"
"And I loved him" she pauses "But how can I be happy when he isnt here?"
When the rain is pouring down
Her heart raced
The words she was told
Where was she?
Favours were so few and far between but she found herself doing this and it wasn't because it was a favour
"Come away"
"No"
"Look at me" Carla says, Nina looks up at her "This isnt what Seb would want"
"No one knows what Seb wants"
"You're allowed to be sad and upset about what happened Nina"
"Even so the feeling are recurring"
I'll get over you
They were slowly getting over the losses in their life
The first sign of happiness was one of the things that reassured the two adults
Carla and Roy shared looks between each other and from that point it looked like everything was a distant memory
She was healing
Just like they had healed
Maybe now was the time to be honest?
These tears will get me through
"She's doing well" Carla observes from behind the counter, Roy nods "She seems brighter"
"Your friendship has helped, Carla" Roy informs her, she frowns "You're an inspiration to her"
"I don't know how to take that Roy"
"Merely you don't have to take it. You just have to believe it"
Do you miss me like I miss you?
"You seem to be hanging around here a lot"
She wanted to retaliate but instead she just smiled at Nina
"Carla?"
"Hm what? Sorry...what did you say?"
"You seem to be hanging around here a lot"
"It's just nice to see you happy and forgiving the past for what it is, you're doing well kid"
"I don't know how to take that" Nina scrunches her nose up feeling rather embarassed "It's time to move on though in the real world but inside...thats a different story, memories never fade"
"They don't, they can be positive though"
"Remembering the good times" Nina points out, Carla nods "Anyway do you want anything else with that coffee?"
I just wanted things to be the same
"I remember when you told me" she mused "All those memories in my head about Frank-"
"Who's Frank?" Nina questions entering the flat, Carla pinches the bridge of her nose not wanting to go there with Nina right now considering she was just getting back on track
The awkward looks confirmed it all
"I'm not going to crack up"
Carla couldnt be too sure that she would though
"So who is he?"
"An ex" Carla responds simply, Nina narrows her eyes and sits down on the armchair
"I will leave you to it" Roy says leaving the room, Carla looks at Nina
"I don't want to upset you"
"You won't" Nina states, Carla sighs and closes her eyes
"I was raped. When Roy was describing what happened to you, it hurt me and thats why I felt I had to help you because I know what it's like to be in that position, hurt, battered, bruised, taken advantage of-"
"I wasn't-"
"I know but I know how you felt to have that strength torn away from you, to have people think you were different for the way you looked when in reality you weren't different from them, we're still people. Thats why I had to do something"
"Thank you" Nina responds softly "For caring, not a lot of people do"
"You don't need to thank me" Carla says quietly dropping her gaze "You just need to be you to fix the hurt. You will find love again"
"What if I don't want to?"
"Don't restrict yourself Nina" Carla shakes her head "I tried and...it didn't work, love always comes back in the end. Look at me and Peter, first got together after I was raped, he helped me get better and see my worth again and here we are today still in love"
"What if I never find love like Seb's again?"
"I never thought I would find love like Liam's again" she says softly "You'll find yourself Nina you just have to believe in yourself that you can do this"
Sweet music playing in the dark
"Do you want to know something?" Carla questions looking at her surrogate father as they both wince at the loud crashing from the bedroom off to the side
"It depends what you care to inform me Carla"
"I think she'll be just fine from the death metal thats echoing from her room" Carla points out, Roy smiles curtly at his surrogate daughter
"I would love to believe this but everything that Nina has been through makes me believe that the memories will haunt her for her life"
"You just need to have faith, if I do then you should too. She wants you to have faith in her and not doubt her abilities"
"Then I shall succumb to her wishes" Roy nods "Thank you Carla"
"For what?" she questions tapping her fingers on the mug she was holding
"For caring and helping Nina to find herself again" Roy turns to face her "You are a true friend to that girl"
"Well, you know me Roy. Spreading joy and happiness wherever I go" she smirks feeling rather touched that she had done something worthwhile, Nina steps out of her room "I was thinking do you want to go for a meal at Speed Dahl?"
"Go on then" Nina rolls her eyes grabbing her coat, Carla picks up her bag "See you later Roymond"
"Goodbye" he nods, Carla and Nina rush out of the flat and giggle
"He hates that you know" Carla smirks, Nina just shrugs
"It's fun to wind him up" Nina responds with a smile "Let's go and thank you for everything"
"You don't need to thank me" Carla softens as they walk through the café "You just need to believe in yourself. I'd say you're half way there"