I think up the craziest bs in my head.

Chapter 1: I'm What?

It was another ordinary day for Saitama. He was coming home from his routine crawl at the supermarket since there had been a sale that he just couldn't pass up (not that he'd pass up a sale of any kind to begin with). Living in the Z-city ghost town, he had plenty of silence on these walks to think and reflect on anything he wanted to. Like most days, he was just looking forward to getting back home, though. He also needed to make sure a certain live-in cyborg wasn't doing anything weird.

"I'd probably better get home quick. I need to find out what Genos has been up to. He'd better not be starting up anymore secret fan clubs behind my back." Genos, you see, was very sympathetic towards his master's plight. Some would say overly sympathetic, as a matter of fact. The teenaged cyborg regularly did any and everything he could think of to try and support his master, even if said master only ended up being annoyed as a result most of the time. Of course, he was never truly mad at Genos, just a bit miffed at his shenanigans.

In his haste, he didn't spot the figure that was tailing him. This mysterious individual stood tall and wore a long, brown trench coat from head-to-toe, a fedora that cast shadows where it's face should be, gray gloves, black dress shoes, and grey pants could be seen peeking from the bottom of the coat. It spoke in a distorted, warped mockery of a human's voice.

"Finally. I'll have the chance to prove that brain beats brawn. Those other monsters will have to kowtow to me… when I take down the strongest hero on the planet." Saitama's strength was well-known to the monster populace this individual was from. "The Omnislayer" they'd called him, for his ability to kill all monsters without fail or difficulty. This pack of monsters, though, was of a different breed. They didn't run around participating in wanton destruction and attracting the attention of the heroes. No, they sat back and observed. Their desire was not to flaunt their power or claim dominion over the humans. It was to sate their curiosity and prove their intellectual superiority.

"Every hero has a weakness, Omnislayer… and we've finally found yours at last." The monster's unnatural voice rose several pitches as it finished it's sentence, and it's appearance underwent massive changes. Gone was the concealing garb, and in it's place was… an elegant, azure-blue dress with a tasteful leg slit, perfect porcelain skin, matching heels, a generous bust, child-birthing hips, and a flower daintily positioned in brunette hair to top it all off. The shapeshifting monster spoke again, this time in a decidedly feminine human voice.

"If you can't be beat directly, one need only use trickery."

-With Saitama-

"Beef bowls would probably be the best option for tonight." The all-powerful man was deciding on what to eat since he had nothing better to do. He had bought enough food for a month (Genos' hero salary helped out tremendously since he was S-class) and could afford to be picky tonight. Not only that, he didn't even have to cook it himself, as his disciple was an excellent housekeeper and meal-maker. He walked briskly until he heard someone shouting from behind him.

"Mr. Caped Baldy!" He turned around, looking in the direction of the voice. He didn't expect to see a demure-looking woman running towards and waving at him. She also used his hero name, meaning that she had heard of him. He really shouldn't be surprised that somebody had heard of him, but with his pupil's overwhelming popularity among the citizens, it's easy to forget that he has at least some clout as a registered hero when his student constantly overshadowed him.

The woman stopped in front of him. She was all curves and peaks and valleys, he noticed. She basically had Fubuki's body shape, but that didn't matter all that much to him. What did matter was what she wanted. Who was she? He had never seen her around, though that could just be due to his lack of interest in seeking out new people unless it's for a fight. She took his right hand in hers, shaking it profusely.

"It's SUCH an honor to meet you, Mr. Caped Baldy! I've heard all about you and how you team up with the Demon Cyborg on a daily basis! The number one hero for fun, I'm your biggest fan!" Saitama was unsure how to respond to this. He was silently hoping that she wasn't one of those weirdos from Genos' secret fan clubs. She hadn't done anything yet to arouse suspicion (she was just energetic, whereas the groupies would all have some obvious quirk or start hyperventilating when getting close to him), but it was a bit strange that she had come from wherever she did to a place as dangerous as this just to praise him.

Oh well. He'd see where this went, it's not like anything could hurt him, and it was nice to have a (seemingly) normal fan for once.

"It's… nice to meet you, uh…" he tapered off, not knowing what to refer to this mystery woman as.

"You can just call me Ada." The now-named Ada beamed, giving Saitama an out. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a retractable ballpoint pen and a scrunched-up picture of him, holding both of them out for him to take (women with large breasts always seemed to have some type of hammer-space in there).

"Would you please autograph this for me?" Saitama scratched the back of his head. So, this was another attention-seeking fan, but she didn't seem to be in any of Genos' shady clubs. He supposed he could just sign this and send her on her way. It'd only take a few extra seconds and would prevent her from hounding him all the way back to his apartment.

"Sure." He made to reach out for the pen and photo, missing the smile on Ada twisting into an almost malicious grin. Suddenly, she pressed the end of the pen in, as if to make the portion that could write protrude, and out came a streamlined, purplish beam. The beam made contact with Saitama, spreading across his entire body but dealing no damage. The bald hero retracted his hands, face still in that neutral state it was always fixed in.

"You're not dying, but I'll hear your final words anyway, hero." The young beauties voice tumbled to an unrecognizable pitch, and she morphed back into the trenchcoat-clad figure that had concocted this scheme. Standing taller than Saitama, it looked down upon him, one singular eye peeking from the shade cast by it's hat. "How does it feel to have been outsmarted by a monster? Don't worry, though, you're no different from all the other idiotic riffraff running around in this world. Everyone is inferior to our intellect."

Oh, she was a monster? That made things so much easier. Instead of giving her a stern talking-to and handing her over to the police, he could just punch her and be done with it. He had thought that a fangirl traveling to this place was weird; turns out he was right. He yawned and reared his fist back, preparing to deal the fatal blow, but noticed that his fist was… transparent. He stopped, looking down over his whole body.

"Huh? What's going on?" Upon looking down, his torso and legs were also beginning to fade, as if he was becoming a ghost. His grocery bag had slipped through the hand he was holding it in. "Hey, Ada, what did you do to me?" Something didn't add up. It couldn't have killed him; he didn't feel as if he had taken any damage internally or externally. Was the monster just making him unable to hold stuff?

Awfully dumb if that was it.

"You're being displaced", the monster answered.

"Ok… what does that mean?" Saitama had never been able to understand these mad-scientist types. That guy from the House of Evolution, the guy that made his brother into a naked titan, etc. They all went searching for some type of ultimate power in different ways, and they all used fancy words and abstract phrases that confused him.

"Simply put, I'm sending you far away. Where to, even I don't know, but one thing is for sure. You won't be coming back anytime soon." The creature punctuated it's sentence with thinly veiled glee and malice. Saitama still didn't have any answers, but he supposed that was just how it was going to be. He reared his fist back again, intending on ending this monster before he got sent to wherever he was getting sent. He swung, but his fist did not make contact. Instead, it passed right through the creature's body. Saitama adopted a puzzled look on his face, unsure as to why he couldn't interact with the monster.

Before long, his body started to vanish entirely in sections. First his vaunted fists, then his arms, legs, torso, and everything else. He tilted his head (which was the only thing left at this point) and looked at the monster again. The creature's singular eye almost looked as if it was smiling at him, satisfied with it's work. It had gotten him to let his guard down and evicted him from this existence.

The last thing Saitama heard before he faded to black was the droning, wicked laugh of the creature.

-Unknown-

Saitama woke up feeling locks of grass and patches of dirt beneath him. He felt that he was on his back, and looking up, could see clear, blue skies overhead. He craned his neck to the left and to the right, scanning for any signs of where he was. Nothing but trees and woodland area surrounded him. Ok, so he was in the woods. He got up, dusting himself off in the process, and continued looking for any type of landmark or identifiable feature.

"Oh." He caught sight of a building with a giant, golden turd on it.

"I'm in that place where I fought that guy who was trying to steal my look." Spring-Breakers, if he remembered the name of that group right. Thankful that he knew where he was and how to get back to his apartment now, he made to walk into the city. He'd have to find that monster who sent him here and punch it's lights out first, then he could go back home and have Genos cook for him. He walked a few paces until he noticed the lack of weight in his left hand.

"Wait… don't tell me…" He futilely grasped at air, hoping against hope that what he was feeling was not reality. He looked down, confirming the cruel, sick joke that the universe was playing on him.

"MY GROCERIES ARE GONE!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. He fell to his hands and knees, cursing the world for taking everything from him. The sale he had bought those groceries in only came around once every blue moon, and he didn't have enough money to go back and buy all that food at regular price. He'd have to live off rations and garbage until he got his next paycheck, and then off cheap ramen and tv dinners until Genos got HIS next paycheck.

He got up, resolving to go and punch the monster who did this to him just a bit harder for his pain and suffering. He soldiered on with a heavy heart, intent on making it back to his neck of the woods (no pun intended) as fast as possible.

"Hey, baldy!" Saitama turned around, irritated at both the loss of his groceries and yet another holdup. He met the eyes of a familiar looking, slender woman dressed in all black ninja gear. She had what looked like a small scabbard for a tanto attached to her back, and holsters for shuriken and kunai on her legs. Her face was mostly covered by a purple mask that matched the purple markings on her face. The only reason he was able to identify her as a woman were her decently large unmentionables. Aside from that, she looked an awful lot like-

"State your business, trespasser", she interrupted his train of thought. "Depending on your answer…" She trailed off, pulling her tanto out of it's container in an obvious gesture of a threat. Saitama did not feel as if he had to put a guard up, so he simply went back to thinking. This woman couldn't be him, right? Despite Sonic's appearance, he was a man (confirmed when his junk accidentally landed on Saitama's fist).

Was this some sort of prank?

"Oi, ninja-lady. What's your name?"

"Not gonna answer, huh? Very well, I suppose I could give you the courtesy of knowing your executioner's name. My moniker is Speed O' Sound Sonic, and for good reason…" She took off, disappearing into the ether. She darted all around the forest, taunting Saitama as she flew from spot to spot. Saitama couldn't help but feel deja-vu, though some things were a bit different (she had a shorter sword, for instance). He felt the air pressure shift in front of him and looked up to see lady Sonic spinning in place.

"Wind-Blade Kick!" she shouted, coming down on him with the exact same move his Sonic did. He was prepared, this time, though. He sidestepped, but kept his arms down at his side to avoid crotch incidents. Lady Sonic landed gracefully and retreated to a distance of a few feet with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Standing back up, she began speaking.

"Huh… guess you're not just some ordinary thief, then. Oh well, it's not like that's a bad thing." She pulled her mask down, and etched on her face was a wicked smile. "I get to try out more of my moves on you." She stomped on the ground, gaining a foothold, and then accelerated in the blink of an eye.

"I'll come at you so fast this time, you won't even know you're dead until your head falls off!" She charged full speed at him, intent on ending this with one blow. Saitama stood idly by, giving her the impression that he couldn't react to her speed. He angled his head down. His face sported a surprised look, much to her delight.

"Oh, I found a coin!"

Saitama leaned forward to pick up the coin, headbutting Sonic in the ribs in the process. Due to the speed she was coming at him with as well as the area she got hit in, the pain from the headbutt nearly knocked her unconscious. She gritted her teeth, refusing to go down and show weakness. She slumped to the ground clutching her ribs and cursing the intruder. Saitama stood back up with the coin in his hand, not knowing what had happened.

"Hey, uh, are you ok?" Lady Sonic breathed out harsh breaths. The wind had been knocked out of her, so she had to take a moment to gather herself. She looked up at the man with rage boiling in her eyes. He had not only humiliated her physically, but mentally as well with this feigned concern.

"I don't need your pity", she managed to spit out between labored breaths and coughs.

"Well, uh, ok." Saitama scratched the back of his head. "Hey, do you have a brother with the same name? You remind me of this guy I met a while back. Are you from his clan?"

Clan was the right word for a ninja family, right? That's what he picked up from watching Naruto Shippuden, anyway.

"What are you babbling about? I'm the one and only Speed O' Sound Sonic." She stood back up, shaking off the headbutt from earlier. "I won't stand for this farce any longer. From this day forth, I will hunt you, to the ends of the earth if need be. Speak your name, for you are now my target."

She was just as weird as his Sonic, at least. None of this was adding up, though. Where was the male Sonic if she was the only one around these parts? He sighed, not knowing what was going on in the slightest. Looks like he'd need to put in a bit of effort to get some knowledge on the subject.

"Name's Saitama. I'm a hero for fun." He plainly introduced himself. It was a huge drag, but he'd need to get to the bottom of whatever trick that monster had played on him. The place looked the same, but the only person he'd met so far was completely different.

Lady Sonic started laughing. Saitama didn't know what was so funny.

"You claim to be the number 1 ranked hero? Fool, even a toddler could see through that lie. Saitama is the trump card of the Hero's Association. He's no balding imbecile like yourself, he has vast wealth and even more vast power. He's hired me on a number of occasions, so I know what he looks like. Even his wives hold enough power to uproot this city if they so wished."

"…"

Saitama stood there, not knowing what to make of this information. Trump card? Vast wealth? WIVES? He couldn't form any coherent thoughts besides those three subjects, so he settled on an expression of his confusion.

"I'm what?"