Author's Note: So, I have been active elsewhere on the internet for a while, and I have decided to make a return to this site. I've written a few Ginga fanfics during my absence from this site, and I've decided to publish them here.
I will be focusing on my Ginga fanfics. As for the Ginga fanfics I deleted, I intend to rewrite them and bring them back in the future. Until then, I'll be focusing on the new Ginga fanfics I've written.
Please leave a review, because I want to know what readers think.
Disclaimer: I'm not defending the actions of Weed and Sirius in canon, this is all just a Dark AU of Ginga. I admit that I do love Weed, and by extension, Sirius. But remember, this is an AU, not canon.
The third time I took a life, it was an accident. I remember spinning so fast that everything around me was a blur, yet I could still see my target. But I couldn't do anything as Hougen grabbed onto one of his subordinates and used them as a living shield.
I tasted the blood of another dog. It wasn't the first time, yet the experience was far different from the ones in the past. In that brief moment as I sliced into that dog's skull, I felt it again. The same feeling I had when I helped take the life of Kaibutsu or when I killed that boar.
Killing an intelligent creature; it's not like when I kill animals like rabbits and birds for food. Killing to kill and killing to survive are two very different things, even if in this instance I would've been killing for the sake of Ohu.
When I took the life of an intelligent creature, I didn't feel the way others would've felt, never mind what my comrades would've felt whenever they had to take a life when necessary. I'm not sure how to describe what I felt in those three instances, but I wouldn't exactly call it pleasure. At least, that wasn't the only thing I felt.
No, I felt a sense of power when I killed, as if I had become so much stronger in those moments. I guess it was pleasurable in it's own way, but so terrifying once it was over, because I felt tempted to do it again. I wanted more. I didn't care if the blood was dripping from my mouth or if I was sinking my teeth into flesh. I didn't care if my victim was evil, if they had it coming, I wanted to kill, again and again.
I haven't told the others. They'll just think that I'm being too sensitive, but surely that isn't the case, right? If that was the case, why did I feel that way? Why do I want to kill? Yes, they were threatening my comrades, I know I had to. I didn't want to, but I did it despite my morals and desires. Because I do care about everyone, my pack and everyone I've befriended during my journey to save my father and stop Hougen. And if I have to abandon my morals to protect the ones I love, then I'll do it!
No... No, don't think like that. That is not the way! That isn't justice! That is just killing because you can! You're just using your loved ones as an excuse!
I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to think that I was just putting too much thought into something that didn't even matter. But as I look back, I realize the things I did wrong.
Going as far back as Blue. I wanted to kill him. For the things he was doing to pups, for what he did to Mel and Hook. To stop him from hurting more people, I really did.
But when that truck ran him over, my desire was suddenly gone. I didn't even acknowledge the shame I felt, I just acted. I couldn't save him, yet he still saved me.
Since then, I became a pacifist. I didn't want to kill. But there was Kaibutsu, a dog that was tortured and experimented on by the humans, turned into a monstrosity. Yet despite his past, I didn't feel any pity for him. I don't know if I thought he was a monster who needed to be stopped, or if I just wanted to kill him because no one would stop me after what he'd done.
Then I killed that boar. Honestly, I shouldn't regret killing him. He was eating dogs, and he was going to eat my comrades, who had done him no harm. But I do. If only because killing him felt no different than killing Kaibutsu.
And then I killed Hougen's subordinate, the poor dog that was used by the person he chose to follow. I know he was one of Hougen's followers, but I hadn't meant to kill him. And once again, I felt that same sick feeling of pleasure and power.
I was going to kill Hougen. I was going to do it, to save Ohu and end the war. Just one more life, one last kill, and that would be it. If I could do it one more time and not give in, Ohu could know peace again.
But I couldn't do it. I knew my attack didn't kill him, because the feeling wasn't as strong as it had been the previous times. Except this time, it felt... different. I don't want to describe this in an inappropriate way, but you know that feeling you get when you're on the very edge of ecstasy, such as when you're mating and you're on the verge of orgasm?
Now imagine that feeling combined with hatred and rage, making the urge to finish all the more intense. I must've hid my feelings well if no one noticed, but I was being torn apart from the inside out. Like something inside me wanted out; something hideous, something malevolent, something unnatural.
I couldn't do it. If I killed Hougen then and there, I don't think I would've had the willpower to keep this part of myself locked away, where it couldn't hurt anyone. I didn't know what would happen, what it would mean for everyone. Would I start killing others? Would I kill my own comrades, my own father if I didn't resist?
I've never felt this way towards anyone that I've befriended. Not even when Rocket turned out to be a spy did I feel this way. But I didn't want to risk it. If I did, who would I kill next? Would I ever stop?
I wish the others could understand, but even if they believed me, would they trust me? Would they try to help me with this problem of mine? Or would they fear me? Would they try to kill me if they knew what was inside me?
If they did, I wouldn't blame them. If killing me means that they live, so be it. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not my loved ones.
Perhaps that why I wanted to forgive Hougen. Him and I are not so different. We both have those that we love... and we both have an evil within.
Is that why he was evil? Did he suffer from this... this addiction that I have? Did he resist before giving up after he and his brother were locked in that shed? Could I turn into Hougen if I give in?
At the end of the day, I know that I might have to kill. If only to protect the ones I love. But if I have to kill, I want to do it because I had no other choice! If I kill someone who's evil, I want to do it because they're hurting people. I don't want to use their evil as an excuse! I don't want to kill because I can!
I can't help but envy everyone else. They've killed out of necessity, but they don't suffer like I do. They don't feel the way I do. They aren't sick like I am.
That's why I hate their methods. Especially Kyoushiro's methods. He can kill, and brutally so, but he does it because he has to. He may be aggressive at times, but he doesn't hurt anyone who did no harm. And he doesn't kill people and say they had it coming as an excuse. I feel like he exists to mock me and my sickness.
Why can't I be more like him? Why do I have this evil inside me? What did I do to deserve this evil?
The others can kill without deriving pleasure and a sense of power. If they are forced to kill, I won't stop them. Because they have no choice. And they're not like me.
I'll do everything I can do to avoid shedding blood ever again, to avoid taking life, to avoid the feeling. But if I have to...
My mate. She's the only one who knows. But she insists that I'm not a monster. Because I haven't hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. But even if I'm not a monster, how long will it be until I turn into one?
My kids. What would they think if they saw what their father was like? Would they hate me? Fear me?
And Sirius. He looks so much like me. He seems to have the same morals I do, that same ability to forgive and show mercy to everyone. So much like me. What if he has the addiction?
I don't think my other three kids would have it. Orion, Rigel, and Bellatrix... They have some traits from me, but they are very different from me. Orion's so different from me, it'd make more sense if he was Kyoushiro's son. Rude and aggressive at times, yet loving. Wanting to protect his loved ones and kill because he has no choice.
I can't give in. I can't let Sirius give in. I don't want either of us to hurt anyone we love. Maybe we won't hurt them directly, but if I'm right, we'll 'protect' them from anything we deem threats. Say that we're only defending our loved ones as an excuse so that we can kill for no reason other than to sate our bloodlust. How much would it hurt our loved ones if they saw us for what we really are?
It may be too late for me. I've killed. I've felt the feeling before, and I don't know if I'll be able to resist it again. But Sirius, he's still pure. He hasn't tainted his soul with the blood of others. I can still save him. I have to.
He loves his family. He may get into arguments with Orion about killing, but he still loves his brother. He loves all three of his siblings. I know that if he had to kill to protect them, he would. But I can't let him use that as an excuse.
If I fail... I don't want to believe that I'm too far gone. I want so badly to believe that I can stop before it's too late. But I can't... If I don't stop... Please... Forgive me. If I give into this temptation... Please forgive me.
Author's Note: So, what did you all think? Very different from what I've written previously. I have other chapters written for this story, and I'll wait a bit to add the other chapters. I want to see what everyone thinks of the story. So please, leave a review of what you thought.