Tigerstar stared at the Moonpool. Its surface was still, and yet.
"Let's go," Dovewing said. "ShadowClan needs us."
He sighed. "I know," he said. "I just..."
"He'll be okay," she said. "Shadowsight's strong."
She's calm, but there's a waver in her voice. Tigerstar can't tell who she's trying to reassure.
"You go on," he said. "Pouncestep and Lightleap will be worried. I'll be there in a moment."
"Are you sure?" she said.
"Yes."
She followed his eyeline. "Alright." Dovewing pressed her head against his chin. "Be safe."
He purred softly. "I will. I'll be right behind you."
She spared him another glance, then left, trotting back towards camp. When he was sure she was out of earshot, he started speaking.
"I don't know if you can hear me, StarClan, or if the Moonpool is lost to us, but..." He trailed off.
"This isn't our fault," he said. "I don't know what happened, or why, but you could stand to guide us a little."
He remembered when his kits were just born. They were smaller than he imagined, all three of them fitting alongside Dovewing, and he would have sat vigil over them for a moon to keep them safe. All he wanted was to take care of them, to keep them safe.
"And you haven't been doing that very well, lately. We keep listening and listening, but for what? Did you want me to just let Dovewing go?"
His eyes closed. "I've been a warrior my whole life," he said. "I know we're supposed to listen to your guidance. But why? We swear to follow your noble code, and for what? It seems to bring more pain than good."
He could remember, seasons ago, meeting with Dovewing. There, under the light of stars, away from their Clans and the code, they had felt happy.
He fell in love with Dovewing in those moments, the ones when the world was quiet and still, and she was at peace.
He wasn't certain, but he liked to think she fell in love with him in those moments too. In the moments when there was no one assessing him, and all he had to do was make her happy.
"I know what the other Clans say about ShadowClan. That we are the Clan of rogues and thieves. They look at us and think of Brokenstar and the other Tigerstar, and now they look at me and they see him, like I am destined to repeat his sins."
He hissed, standing. "And I have followed the Code, mostly. I have been a loyal and faithful warrior. I've never given anyone reason to doubt that."
He also remembered when Dovewing ended their meetings. He remembered how the hurt was worse than any battle wound, and how the way he still loved her felt exhausting.
He had vowed to himself, when they went on the quest, in the drought, that he would make her happy. She was only an apprentice, then, and the world already weighed so heavy on her. He wanted to make her laugh.
When she left him, that promise hurt so much he couldn't breathe.
"But it keeps hurting us; you keep hurting us."
He knew it was wrong to follow Dovewing, when she left the second time. He broke the code by following her. But he would never take that back. He couldn't take that back, not when he knew it would take his children away from him.
"If it is your code, doesn't that make it you when it hurts us?"
When Tawnypelt took Shadowkit and Dovewing to the mountains, Pouncekit and Lightkit had asked him why they weren't going with them. Tigerstar had tried to explain that he was the leader, that he couldn't abandon his Clan, not again, and they hadn't understood.
They were young, memories of the guardians still balancing out the Clan. They saw their brother and mother leave, and they didn't want to be alone.
Tigerstar had taken them just outside of camp, so they could see the stars. He had explained that StarClan watched over all of them. That Dovewing was looking up at the same stars, and StarClan could see them both.
"And even where I have been unfaithful, it is in the spirit of the meaning, and yet-" He closed his eyes again, his voice breaking. "And yet, you keep taking from me, like I have not given enough."
Tigerstar thought of Dovewing. His Dovewing, the cat who tackled him to save him from falling, even if he was nearly twice her size. His Dovewing, the cat who carried him to this Moonpool, refusing to accept a world without him in it. His Dovewing, the cat he never should have loved, according to the stars.
"You took my mate's peace of mind," he said. "You took her sister and her Clan, and in her worst moment, you took her worth."
He paced, his tail lashing.
"And then you took my son."
Shadowsight had always been different from his sisters.
Pouncestep and Lightleap were strong warriors. It was always obvious they would be. They fought battles as kits, tackling him and batting at his stomach until he feigned defeat. He was so proud of them.
And Tigerstar was proud of Shadowsight, he was so very proud, but his son was never like his sisters, not the same eager warrior. He was strong, but in a different way. And he had been through so much.
"I don't understand why you had to take him. He wasn't...he could have gotten visions any other way. It didn't have to be like this."
Tigerstar knew what it was like to be a kit with the eyes of a Clan on you. To have the weight of someone else's legacy locked around you.
He never wanted that for his children.
He wanted them to be happy. He wanted them to be free, to grow up and old without ever worrying if they were doing, being, enough.
"You knew what it did to Dovewing. You watched her. You watched it tear Ivypool away from her, watched it drive her mad with responsibility. You aren't blind to us. You know how she felt when it was over."
He remembered the first time he saw her in ThunderClan after everything. She wasn't the Dovewing he had left behind.
She was the one he had first met, scared and unsure, unable to find her own place.
And yet. Every step closer to her was another weight on her back. Ivypool watched them, ThunderClan watched them, and Dovewing didn't deserve that. She had spent her life with the Clan watching her.
She deserved to be happy.
"And so you did the same thing to our child. You took what should have been a peaceful time from him, and now, barely more than a year old, now he risks everything to atone for a mistake he never should have been given the chance he made."
His claws sunk into the earth, thinking of Shadowsight's insistence to be giving another chance. Another opportunity to set things right.
"He made his own choices, just as I made mine. I don't blame you for that. But who gives a child visions so dark they confuse them with messages from the Dark Forest?"
All Tigerstar had ever wanted is for his family to be happy, whole, safe. He had given them safety. He laid by Dovewing's side for moons, knowing ShadowClan needed him, but needing to be near her. To protect her, to provide for her, to be whatever she needed.
He had kept them whole. He had been lucky, in part, but they were all alive and together. He couldn't make Ivypool forgive Dovewing, but ShadowClan had accepted her easily. She belonged there.
Tigerstar hoped that, in any universe, he would have been able to do that for her. Provide a place where no one thought of her as anything more than Dovewing.
But he couldn't, it seemed, keep them happy.
"If this is a punishment," he said, "I don't know for what. Is this truly because we broke the code? Do you hold me accountable for the sins of my ancestor? I don't even know what the better answer is. I don't think there is one."
Tigerstar sat again, wrapping his tail around his feet. He couldn't see into the Moonpool. The light shone back unchanged, showing his reflection.
"Do you even care?"