I've never been too illusioned or enamored with the idea of love. I've quickly accepted after the Cow Wow that my pursuits within the field are pretty much doomed to fail so long as I try. Although, I could never get the hope that I will find love through my own strength out of my head completely. I kinda wish I got it through my head sooner though that that hope is really misguided.

I don't want to be too melodramatic about anything; I'm not angry or sad about it, not anymore at least, but, it's just something I wished I learned sooner then have to put up with the pain that comes after it.

Now the main thing you're asking is why, and that's reasonable, I mean it takes a lot for someone to give up on love, but for me it didn't take too much. Just a bubbly redhead who had a lot going for her and not enough time for a regular guy like me.

But enough with the exposition, to explain, it may be a little hard to believe but I was dating Caterina Valentine once in my life. We got together while in high school at Hollywood Arts the summer before our senior year and frankly speaking, it was a really great relationship. We complimented each other nicely, I was a weird guy but realistic and reserved and she was a bubbly girl that would normally go off the rails. I did my best to keep her grounded and she helped me explore beyond my normal realms of comfort and try new things. It was a good exchange. We were a pretty strong couple even through the entirety of senior year, then we graduated and were still just as good.

I was planning to go to college, my only talent was comedy through self depreciation and ventriloquism, one is terribly depressing to do and the other is… well actually they're just about the same. Despite my school being focused on more artistic things, I still had good enough grades to apply to an engineering school, however, Cat didn't want to do that. She was fully set on doing a music career and rightly so, she has golden pipes and a great ear for production with a personality that is likable on first impressions, practically the perfect formula for a pop star. We talked about whether or not it would still work if we went different ways and ultimately we realized that we would most likely drift apart as our lives got busier. At least, I came to that realization, she was still having trouble wrapping her head around the idea that I couldn't make time despite the fact that we had so much downtime in high school. So instead of breaking up, I decided to be her manager for the time being. Numbers, bargaining, etc. I was good at that stuff so why not right? And this way, we would be close to each other all the time.

Our friends had also started pursuing their careers in acting, singing, producing, and directing so it was us two against the world.

Everything was fine, it was fine to say the most. We hung out when we could and celebrated when we made progress with getting her signed onto the label Platinum Records. After she got signed by the label though, they swept her away. I was her manager but I hardly ever saw her because she was always busy with dress rehearsals, recording, and everything and I was stuck in the back room doing her finance papers and making sure she's caught up on her taxes. People told me that I didn't have to do that stuff and they could hire a financier to do it but then I'd practically be out of a job so I revelled in the work knowing that it kept me close to her.

I still didn't really mind her busy schedule, she was pursuing her dreams after all and doing everything she loved, how could I not be happy for her? But things… things got lonely really fast. Cat bought a house and I would normally spend my days there while she was out recording. I didn't have a lot of work to do while she was just recording music and not going on tour so I would just sit at home alone browsing the internet until dark. I'd normally get hungry so I'd search up recipes to cook and get the house ready for when Cat got home. She came home at around 11pm every night, ate, and went to sleep because she was tired and I was fine with that, she's busy after all. Then some nights she just didn't go home. I'd call her label to check in and make sure she was okay but they'd always tell me she was out with the crew getting some drinks after a hard day's work. Those nights sucked the most. I'd lose my appetite and store the food in the fridge. Then when tours and album drops roll around, she's just not home at all. She never comes home, she's always out and about while I sit there waiting for her.

I wasn't mad at her, I was just lonely. Spent a lot of nights just sitting on the couch and doing nothing or mindlessly running on the treadmill until I got tired enough to sleep. It was unbearable.

Finally, when she came home after her tour, I was so excited thinking that we could hang out and be a couple again. But she just waved me off telling me she was tired and went to bed.

So I started asking myself if I still loved her given how much time we have been apart.

Don't give me that look, of course I still loved her, I wouldn't be there if I didn't love her, I would've cheated on her if I didn't love her.

...I didn't love the lifestyle though.

A relationship devoid of intimacy, constantly being restricted due to her job and passion, it was numbingly painful to stay in and it was pushing me to the brink of insanity given how much I could be doing instead of waiting for her.

So after a month of thinking, I finally went up to her after she came home one night after recording in the studio and told her that I wanted to break up.

She wasn't happy about that.

Pretty damn angry in fact.

She said that I had no right to break up with her when she's practically been providing me the place that I lived in for so long, that I owe it to her to at least be here since she's the one working.

I retort by saying that I would have been fine without her providing me a paycheck, I could have gone to college the year that we graduated but I wanted to stay with her since she wanted to follow her dreams while my plan was one based on practicality.

She told me that I could have started college while she was away, that if I busied myself instead of sitting around it wouldn't be so terrible to be together like this.

I told her that that means we would quite literally never see each other. The time that I stay at home waiting being taken up by schoolwork and stuff would just lead to me no longer waiting for her, and instead of thirty minutes of interaction when she comes home, it would just be zero with how busy we both are.

We went back and forth and both said some pretty hurtful things. I regret getting so angry and I should have calmed down but it escalated to the point where I said that I hated the relationship we had.

So then she told me she cheated on me.

It just shut us both up when she said it. I think she was stunned that she let it out. I didn't think I heard her right or that she was just bluffing, I convinced myself in a second that she was just bluffing but then… then she started crying. And I heard her say that she didn't mean to let that out and we both knew we were done.

I assumed it was just those late nights that she didn't come home but that was my breaking point. I couldn't stay there anymore, it was way too painful. The realization of me sitting at home, waiting for someone I loved that was stabbing my back as I waited.

She had no right to cheat on me, I was the one waiting, all she had to do was come home and ask for it and I would have drowned her with love and affection, but instead she chose to find that where she worked instead.

So yeah, after that I moved out and went back to my parents place for a while to search for colleges, and now I'm here. A twenty one year old guy that's a freshman in college at UCLA.

…

"Dude… harsh."

"Yeah well, it isn't so bad. I'm not angry at her anymore, just kind of glad I'm over that part of my life." I replied.

"Well still, I didn't think she'd do that to you, I don't even fully believe that you dated Grammy winning artist Caterina Valentine at all bro, you gotta give me some evidence." my roommate said.

"Well- yeah- that's fair, I see your point, but while I was still angry about it I deleted her photos off of my phone so I could just forget about her. I really have no proof beyond you just taking my word for it.

My roommate paused for a bit.

"I'll take your word for it, but you shouldn't be telling too many people that story. Otherwise they'll think you're just some crazy fan that made up a fantasy world for yourself." he said with a sigh, getting up from the kitchen table.

"Yup, you'd be right about that one." I said getting up.

"Robbie you got a crazy life bro." He said, setting a cup he was fostering onto the sink.

"Daniel, you jumped out of a plane when you were six, don't get me started on crazy lives."

That's my roommate, Daniel, he's a walking tree pretty much standing at around six foot three and he's been a thrill seeker his whole life. Went climbing mountains with his dad at age five, jumped out a plane when he was six, traveled around the world on his ninth birthday, did everything he wanted to before coming to college... We only met today but he's quite the talker.

"Yeah but my crazy life is all physical, you got some psychological shit going on."

"I'm really boring though, her being in my life was the only crazy thing about it, subtract her from the equation and I'm just Robbie."

"Pfft- yeah, sure. My roommate would be a person who's 'just Robbie', get a load of this guy. Nah, my roommate is the coolest suave man ever that will teach me the ropes of life and how to pick up girls with the knowledge he's gained from an extra two years on this Earth compared to me." Daniel replied, plopping down onto the couch.

"I am 'just Robbie' and honestly I'm a little insulted that you think that's a bad thing." I replied, plopping down right next to him.

Daniel let out a chuckle and turned on the TV, "I didn't mean it like that," he said while scrolling, "I just meant that you deprive yourself too much, you're interesting in your own right dude, own that."

"Just scroll to Spongebob or something so I can turn my brain off." I said with an exasperated sigh.

"Nope, we're watching the music awards." he quickly responded.

"Aw what? Dude, why do you care about the music awards?"

"Because Kanye should win this year and I want to watch it live when it happens!" Daniel said, getting to the channel featuring the music awards, "Now shut up! I wanna watch."

I fold my arms in annoyance but he hardly notices since he's so absorbed already. Seriously, what's so interesting about this? A bunch of millionaires clustered up in a room with each other waiting for a tiny gold award that is acknowledging all of their life achievements and… struggles… and… nevermind I get it.

I should probably get to work on my project for Computer Science class, the year just started after all and I don't want to be tardy.

I get up to go to my room and hear in the background,

"And winner for best female performer of the year… Caterina Valentine!"

I can't help but still smile to myself hearing that while walking to my room. I still care for her a lot, you can't just erase those feelings, and I'm happy for her that her dreams are coming true, the only thing that really separated us was her new life that I didn't want to be a part of which is on me, but the cheating was on her which I would argue is worse than my original reason to break up.

I get to my room and settle down at my desk, getting ready to run code that I know won't work and chug energy drinks till morning until I pass out, finishing my project but not understanding why it works.