As mysteriously as Emma Swan had one day appeared in the picturesque town of Storybrooke, Maine, just as mysteriously had she one day vanished from it. Only in hindsight does it become clear that Emma had been preparing for her departure.
Her badge and gun were turned in two weeks ago, along with a resignation citing a need for a change of pace - and a recommendation for her replacement. On the day she left town, her keys and all necessary paperwork were found in Mary Margaret's mailbox. All utilities were cancelled, every outstanding bill paid. The loft was stripped bare, and any item that is too large to fit into the yellow Volkswagen Beetle the townsfolk have come to associate with her had a sticky note attached to it, with the name of the person or family she wanted said item to go to.
Emma Swan, never the most organised of people, had taken care of everything, making sure not to leave any loose ends.
Bar the loosest ends of all: why had she left? Where did she go?
Regina Mills, mayor of Storybrooke, buries her face in her hands. Miss Swan's disappearance confuses her in so many ways, and she's not entirely sure she's ready to analyse her feelings on the matter. She has a town to run, after all. "Really, Miss Swan," she moans under her breath. "Why not leave a note? Why not leave a forwarding address," she wonders aloud.
Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? Why didn't you say goodbye? Her heart wonders in silence.
It's no secret that the sheriff-to-be and the mayor did not get along when Emma Swan first arrived in that yellow death trap. Storybrooke is not a town where new people arrive, it's not a town where things happen, and a lot of that has to do with the mayor's adversity to change. Mayor Mills likes to be in control, and annoyingly hot blondes turning up without any seemingly good reason make it very hard to keep that control. Storybrooke is a certain way, and has been that way since her mother came to power. Regina may not have liked her mother very much, but she respects the way she ran the town, and she intends to uphold that. Because say what you will about Cora Mills, Storybrooke has never known economic hardship and the crime rate is the lowest in the area by far. Regina has always filed away that part of her that wonders what her life might have been like if Cora had shown her family half the concern and dedication she had shown Storybrooke. And Regina definitely files away the part of herself that wonders whether being mayor of Storybrooke and keeping things exactly the way her mother had shaped them is her way of desperately trying to gain her mother's approval, even beyond the grave. Because identifying with a town your mother cared about more than she cared about you is just ridiculous, right?
Emma Swan was never meant to happen to Storybrooke, but she did. To vanish without a trace, without a word of goodbye, as if she didn't have an impact on the people of this town... it feels so strange.
Regina sighs deeply and grabs her blazer. She can't focus on work, not at all. For the first time in her career, she leaves in the middle of the day. On the way out, she asks her secretary to reschedule her afternoon meetings.
She fakes a smile for her employee's sake. "I'm fine, Cynthia. I just need the rest of the day."
She can't help but think that before Emma Swan happened, she never would have deigned to explain herself. She wouldn't have cared enough to. It was Emma Swan who'd pointed out to her in the first place that for as much as she cared about and fought for the town, she didn't seem to hold its people in very high regard. Regina had scoffed and seethed at the time, but the accusation couldn't be denied, and it had urged Regina to re-evaluate some things. See, this is what I mean. She changed so many of our lives just by being her and speaking her mind. How could she leave without a word?
Regina steps outside of Town Hall and decides a walk might do her some good. The town is quiet, only the wind and birdsong to be heard. The colours match the time of year, vibrant in a way she never noticed before - because before, it didn't seem so jarring that the world could be pretty, that birds could be singing, that time could go by as if not everything was different now.
No, Regina Mills and Emma Swan did not like each other when Miss Swan, as Regina had called her at the time, arrived. But over time, Emma had definitely grown on her. It started that day that Emma ran by her house and so clumsily tripped, and Regina had taken care of her. Regina can't stop a small smirk from gracing her lips as she walks by Granny's Diner.
She remembers seeing Emma there, years ago now, her first week here. Regina didn't know who this strange woman was, and nobody else in the town seemed to have any clue where she'd come from or why she was here. So Regina had gone inside, simply to see what that distractingly attractive stranger had to say for herself.
Flashback
Emma Swan doesn't seem fazed by Regina's intimidating presence. Regina could swear that she isn't intimidated at all. Without asking permission - this is her town, after all - she takes a seat across from Emma.
Emma simply quirks an eyebrow, sips her hot chocolate. It rattles Regina; most people would be worried by now, scampering to explain themselves. But not Emma Swan.
Regina clears her throat. "So, Miss Swan. Still in town, I see. Tell me, dear - where did you come from?"
"Boston," Emma says simply, as if that explains everything. She takes another sip, licks her lips in an attempt to catch the whipped cream.
Regina frowns, pushing down how intrigued she is, convincing herself she's annoyed at the childish behaviour of this clearly grown woman. "Why are you here?" Regina asks, back to the task at hand.
Emma shrugs. "No reason." Seeing Regina's look, she sighs and elaborates. "I've been working as a bounty hunter, so I'm kind of all over the country. Wherever the job takes me. My last job was in Boston, but I needed a break. I've been at this for years, and I just wanted some peace and quiet, so I started driving. I was just going to drive through this town, but I got hungry. I came in here, got one of Granny's bear claws, and it was so good I decided to stick around here."
Regina laughs humourlessly. "Honestly, Miss Swan. You expect me to believe that you chose to stay here for Granny's bear claws?"
Emma seems genuinely surprised. Just then, Ruby appears, carrying a plate with the treat that seems to be the subject of their conversation. "There you go, Emma. You really are a fan of these, aren't you?" The waitress smiles.
Regina rolls her eyes - did they orchestrate this or what? Emma's not even looking at Regina, though, instead flashing Ruby a goofy smile. "Definitely, Ruby. You know, I've been pretty much all over the country, but I've never had bear claws as good as these."
Ruby smiles back at her easily. "Well, it's definitely nice to have a new face in town. We should hang out sometime, I could show you around."
"That would be great," Emma grins.
Regina coughs in a blatant attempt to interrupt the conversation. How is it that this woman has been in town for just a few days and already she's settling in? Mistaking the cough for a wish to place an order, Ruby turns to to Regina. "I'm sorry, Mayor Mills. Can I get you anything?"
"Just my usual, please. Thank you." She doesn't even look at Ruby, and her tone is polite but cold as ice. She's still trying to get a read on Emma.
"One black coffee coming up," Ruby chirps, unfazed by the mayor's demeanour, then turns on her heels to prepare the order.
"So, Miss Swan. You were trying to fool me into believing Granny's bear claws are your reason for staying in this town, rather than leaving it in your rear view mirror, as any sane person would do?"
Again, the look of surprise. "Well, yeah. Have you ever had one of these?" Emma asks, dangling the bear claw in front of Regina's face.
"No," Regina scoffs. "They're a health hazard. I do not have a death wish."
"Oh, come on," Emma smiles teasingly. "You gotta at least try a bite!"
"Miss Swan. Honestly," Regina rebuffs. It's annoying how determined Emma seems to be at ignoring Regina's obvious dislike of her.
Ruby brings over Regina's coffee, but as bubbly as she is, she's not stupid and she can read the room, so she doesn't interrupt the conversation.
"Where will you be living? And how will you pay rent?" Regina continues her interrogation. God knows she can't rely on her sheriff's department for these things. After all, the crime rate is so low that Storybrooke doesn't even need capable law enforcement.
A hint of annoyance flashes over Emma's face, and Regina can't help but feel relieved to see such a familiar emotion. Emma's positive and carefree attitude so far has seemed downright inhuman. "What's with the third degree?" Emma asks, taking the bite of her bear claw Regina had turned down. Emma's moan is almost pornographic, and Regina doesn't notice how she's biting her own lip.
"I'm the mayor of this town. A stranger turns up? I'll ask questions. I have to keep the people of Storybrooke safe. And if you're intent on staying, I'll find out one way or another, so you might as well spill the beans," Regina says, making sure to relay the unspoken threat in the sound of her voice.
"Fine," Emma sighs. "I ran into Mary Margaret Blanchard in the grocery store, she helped me find some items I needed, we got to talking. She offered to be roommates, so I'll be staying at her loft. As for a job, I'm not sure yet. I'm pretty good with my hands, and I've heard the Rabbit Hole is never not looking for waitresses. I'll figure something out."
Regina squints her eyes. There's really no hole to poke in this story. It sounds beyond irresponsible, and she could never live her life this way. But she has no reason to suspect this woman in dangerous. She certainly doesn't seem dangerous. And as much as she dislikes change in her town, there's not a lot she can do at this moment to get rid of Emma Swan.
Regina stands up. "I guess I'll see you around then, Miss Swan." Without waiting for a response, she makes her way to the counter. "Make the rest of this coffee to go, please, Miss Lucas."
End of flashback
"I miss her too." A voice pipes up behind her, rudely pulling Regina away from memory lane. She nearly jumps out of her skin and turns around, ready to for a verbal lashing. Her shoulders sag when she sees who disturbed her thoughts.
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Blanchard," Regina says, looking at her feet. It makes her miss the roll of Mary Margaret's eyes.
"Oh please, Regina, Miss Blanchard? Really? I thought we were friends. I haven't been miss Blanchard to you for years. Just like Emma stopped being Miss Swan." Mary Margaret's voice cracks at the mention of Emma's name, and silence descends between them.
Regina scoffs softly, but with a small smile. Silence is very unusual in the presence of Mary Margaret Blanchard. "I don't miss Emma," Regina says softly, before the silence becomes awkward. "Where would you even get that idea?"
Mary Margaret frowns. "She's your friend, Regina. She just vanished. It's normal to miss your friend."
Regina sighs, not even fully aware they've started walking in the direction of Emma's loft. Mary Margaret moved out when she moved in with David, but Emma was still her tenant. "So you have no idea where she went, or why? She didn't talk to you at all?"
Mary Margaret smiles sadly. She doesn't point out that Regina has asked her these questions a million times before, suspecting the mayor is just trying to make sense of this the way they all are. "No, Regina. I just found her keys and her notice. She paid up until the end of the month, even left some extra. Not that we had an official lease, really."
Regina laughs humourlessly. "That's so typical for the two of you. I just... I just don't understand. Like you said, we were friends. I honestly feel so confused. Why didn't she talk to anyone? Should I be worried? I feel hurt, but maybe that's me being my old selfish self. Maybe I should be worried - what if she... she wouldn't..." Regina can't even speak the words. The horrific images flash through her brain, ideas she has refused to entertain as even the vague notion of losing her friends so permanently tears her heart into pieces. Makes her lose her breath, her balance, makes her choke up.
"No," Mary Margaret simply says. "I'll admit, I'm confused too. And clearly, none of us knew her as well as we thought we did. But I'm sure she wouldn't do that. Definitely not without saying goodbye. And she packed up her things, and the Bug is nowhere to be found. She really just... left." Mary Margaret seems as lost as Regina feels, and the conversation feels so heavy that she doesn't point out how Regina never would have spoken about her feelings so openly before befriending Emma.
They're standing in front of the loft now. Mary Margaret pulls out her key and they enter the now empty space. The only thing left is a desk in the second bedroom, which is too large to move and didn't have a sticky note attached to it. Nobody feels comfortable taking it anyway.
Regina and Mary Margaret wander around the loft, searching for clues without having agreed to it. Not knowing how else to fill their time.
Regina is tracing the kitchen island with her finger, as if it will suddenly speak to her and explain where Emma went, when Mary Margaret's shrill voice resounds: "Regina! Come here!"
With a pounding heart, Regina follows her voice into the second bedroom. Mary Margaret is panting, her eyes wild in excitement, her hands clasping a battered notebook. "This was taped to underside of the desk!"
"What's that?" Regina asks, her voice quiet as she tries so hard not to hope. Knowing Emma, it might just be some stupid logbook left behind where she tracks her jobs. Then again, that would sound awfully administrative.
"I don't know," Mary Margaret admits. She hands the notebook over to Regina. "But it has your name on the cover, so I think you should be the one to read it."
"What?" Regina frowns, grabbing the notebook out of her friend's hands. She has never been so out of control in her life as she opens it and her eyes flick over the first page.
Regina Thoughts
cause I'm that pathetic
Breathlessly, Regina turns the page and devours the words. It's definitely Emma's handwriting - it's taken Regina quite a while to decipher it, so she could never mistake it.
I'm not much of a writer, but someone once told me that it helps to write things down, get them off your chest, if you can't stop thinking about them. The other day, something happened that just hasn't left my mind for even a second, so here I am. I feel like I'm fifteen again, but I don't know what else to do.
I came to Storybrooke a few weeks ago, never intending to stay. But here I still am. I met the mayor in my first week here, Regina Mills. I instantly knew she's the most gorgeous woman I will ever lay eyes on - but man, did she make it clear she didn't want me here. I've sort of been trying to avoid her ever since, but this is a small town and avoiding people is pretty much impossible.
Today, however, I was out for a run. I wanted to try out a new route and I happened to be running through Mifflin Street when I saw Regina picking up the mail. It's so fucking stupid, because she was just wearing what she always wears, one of those ridiculously sexy pencil skirts and a blouse that just clings to her in all the right places. I can't figure out if she dresses like that on purpose or what. Anyway, clumsy fool that I am, I was so distracted by her insane beauty that I tripped over an uneven spot in the pavement. In my defence, who would suspect uneven pavements with a control freak of a mayor, in a small town, on said mayor's street?
Okay, so. I trip over my own goddamn feet, making an absolutely spectacle of myself. I'm mortified, right? Because not only does Regina Mills not like me, now it'll be that much harder to get her respect. Imagine my surprise when she rushed over to me, worried beyond what I could have expected, and insisted on taking me inside. I'd just scraped a knee and the way she took care of it, so thoroughly, so gently. So carefully. The concern in her eyes so genuine... I guess I should've known I was screwed. It didn't take long, but I felt this connection to her. Being so close to her had my heart racing, and for the first time she smiled at me. She has such a beautiful smile, and I guess the fact it's not given freely just makes it that much more intriguing. We held a light conversation, and all of it would be perfectly normal. But she isn't. And I can't stop thinking about it, about that spark. About her. I hope writing this own will help me shake it off, because god knows there's no way in hell I have a shot with Regina Mills.
"Oh God," Regina breathes. She remembers that day so well - the day she saw Emma running and she understood how on earth that woman could keep a physique like that with her addiction to all the unhealthy food this world has to offer.
"What is it?" Mary Margaret has kept quiet, but is bursting now. "Does it say where she went? Why she left?"
"No - I - wait-" Regina uncharacteristically drops down on the ground, folding her legs as she thumbs through the pages. There are no dates, there seems to be no structure. Just paragraphs or pages of Emma's handwriting, and Regina's name on every page.
She turns to the middle of the book, her eyes settling on another excerpt.
Today is Mother's Day. I don't usually care. I don't know who my mother is, and I haven't wanted to know for so long know. None of my foster mothers cared enough for me to want to make a fuss. But it's been hard as I've been living in Storybrooke, and knowing Regina. Loving Regina.
I know it's an empty hope. I know it will never happen. But I so badly wish I could be married to Regina. I've written about the way I picture our wedding already. But beyond being married to her, I wish I could have a family with her. She'd be such an amazing mom, even though she doesn't see that.
We'd celebrate Mother's Day with family. We'd have a boy, Henry, a name fit for a prince, as Regina would be my queen. And Regina doesn't talk about her father much, but I know how much he meant to her, and I think she'd want to name her son after him. Henry Swan-Mills. I just know Regina would prefer it over Mills-Swan which would end up sounding like Millswan, and then explain putting her name last as wanting to go for the recency effect. (Damn, I know some fancy words thanks to her).
We could have Mary Margaret and David over, and Ruby and Belle as well. Maybe they'd all have kids too. I know Regina likes them more than she'd ever admit. I can imagine MM making breakfast, because Regina would be reluctant to share her kitchen, but also the tired mother of two kids. She's be nursing her coffee, looking stupidly sexy in jeans and a sweater the way only she could.
Henry would really be needing more of a nap but he'd be a difficult sleeper. So I'd give up trying to get him back to sleep, and carry him downstairs wearing nothing but my jogging pants and tank top. I'd enter the living room and Regina would look up at me with that bright smile of hers that just lights up the room. "Look who's there, my little man! I knew you wouldn't be going back to sleep," she'd coo, putting down her coffee and making her way over to us.
She'd kiss Henry's head, then give me a sweet kiss. Belle would be dying to hold Henry, so she'd take him from me. And Regina and I would both want to hold him ourselves, but we'd also be happy to have a caring family of friends.
I'd wrap my arms around Regina, and we'd quickly steal a deeper kiss in the few seconds we have to ourselves.
Regina would play with my hair and whisper in my ear: "Do you think they know we're trying for a second baby?"
I'd smile against her neck and whisper: "Only if you tell."
But we'd both know we won't, that we'll only tell once Regina is pregnant and far enough along to be telling everyone. Because MM can't keep a secret to save her life, but she's such a good friend that I don't want to hurt her by telling others but not her.
I don't blame her, it's just who she is. It's why I haven't told her how I feel about Regina. How desperately I love Regina beyond measure, and would give her the world if the world were mine to give. How I would stop at nothing to put a smile on her face.
I want her to be my wife, the mother of my children, the person I grow old with. I thought I could handle being her friend, I thought it could be enough for me. It should be, right, if I truly love her? Then being part of her life should be all that matters? But it's harder every single day, to be her friend and not tell her. But I can't tell her and lose her. I can't. I know it makes me a coward, but I can't risk losing my best friend. My best friend, who puts up a cold front at times but has thawed so much, and deep down is the most compassionate, loyal, caring, selfless, brave, strong, courageous, intelligent, kind, caring and breathtakingly beautiful person I know. And sexy as fuck without ever even trying. But I know she will never be mine. She deserves so much better than me. I wish I could just... forget about her, in that way. I don't know if writing out these fantasies and thoughts is helping or making it worse, but it sort of feels like it's the only thing keeping me sane. Ugh, this is why I don't do love, generally speaking. But it's too late. It was too late from the day I fell flat on my face and she helped me back up. If I were more of a writer, I could pen pages on how much of a metaphor that is.
Tears are streaming down Regina's face. Her entire world seems to shift, a different meaning attached to so many things. So much makes sense, and she can't believe she never saw it, she can't believe she never knew. She turns to the last page, the last words.
I love her. Too much. I love Regina Mills too much to stay in this place. I can't do this anymore. I need to leave Storybrooke behind, I need to leave her behind, because I can't take it anymore to love her and not be with her.
"Regina?" Mary Margaret asks. "What's in there? What happened?"
"I know why she left," Regina chokes out, shaking her head. She could hit herself for being so blind. She looks up at her friend, her vision blurry with tears. "She loves me, Mary Margaret. She's in love with me, and she was too scared to tell me, and now she left. Because of me."
She can feel her heart beating wildly and tearing apart, her mind racing. There's so much going on inside her right now, and her body seems to physically be reacting. Everything's a mess, she's a mess, but she knows one thing for goddamn sure: she will find Emma Swan and bring her back, if it's the last thing she does.
She looks up at her friend. "Call David. Call Ruby and Belle. We have to find Emma, we have to bring her back," she says with the kind of steadfast determination Emma Swan taught her.