The fighting was still going on all around him but he just couldn't find it in himself to care.
He was numb and at the same time in agony.
He let his hand drop by his side, completely forgetting about the loaded gun there.
A werewolf from the enemy pack slashed at him but he didn't even flinch.
He didn't even feel his skin tearing and blood welling up, he didn't even feel himself being thrown backwards, landing against a tree with a sickening crunch.
He just didn't care.
How could he, when he just lost the love of his life?
How could he just keep on going? Keep on feeling something else than pure agony?
Stiles remembered once hearing that losing a part of your pack was like losing a limb. He wasn't sure if he truly grasped what it meant back then but now, laying on the cold ground, bleeding out, he knew, he knew how it felt to lose someone from your pack, someone who was more than family.
It was pure agony.
For a short moment he wondered if his father felt the same agony when he lost Stiles' mother.
How did he keep going? How did people keep going after something like that?
Stiles didn't know, he just didn't know.
He blinked slowly at the offending blue sky overhead. It was just so mocking blue, so clear and cheerful while a storm was roaring through Stiles, ripping apart every little piece that he has stitched together over the years.
Yet, he didn't move, he just lay there, staring at the immense blue, thinking of his favorite blue that was Derek's eyes.
Eyes that have burned out forever, blue dimming till nothing was left.
Roar being changed into spit of blood, to a slow dying gasp.
Stiles hated that last gasp, it was how death sounded. One slow, agonizing gasp of breath, like a soul leaving a body. Stiles hated it, hated it so much.
Yet he didn't move.
He just couldn't move, his whole body was numb, agony inside making it numb.
So he just stared at the blue sky, waiting for the time to tick out and death to finally claim him.
He couldn't wait.
When he opened his eyes, there was no more blue, only a cracked white of the hospital ceiling.
Stiles has had enough of that ceiling to last him a lifetime.
Yet he didn't look away, he just lay there, staring at the cracks, waiting, waiting, passing out while waiting.
He blinked his eyes open, it was darker in the room.
For a moment he let himself wonder who rushed him to the hospital, wishing that they would have just left him in the woods with all the blue around him.
He could see Derek standing in the doorway, talking urgently with Melissa who looked just as worried.
Stiles hated his mind at that moment.
He could feel agony picking up again.
He could imagine the void laughing at him about such success.
It never left him, not fully, he could always feel that darkness somewhere deep inside him, never leaving, always waiting for the perfect moment to pull him fully down.
Now was the moment, torturing Stiles with images of Derek visiting him right now in the hospital.
Stiles wanted to cry, he wanted to scream.
He did none of these things, he simply closed his eyes and passed out.
Stiles was in Derek's loft, just standing there, sun shining over him.
He looked around, trying to understand what he was doing there, what was happening.
He felt Derek wrap his arms around Stiles waist from the behind, resting his chin against Stiles shoulder, pecking him on the hinge of the jaw.
Stiles tried to lean into the loving touch, yet all he felt was cold.
He tried to turn his head but couldn't.
He couldn't even smell Derek, he couldn't hear him breathing either.
Flashes of Derek dying came rushing back, tearing Derek from his back away.
Stiles couldn't move, he felt his chest tear open, his heart trying desperately to beat but failing on every third beat.
He tried to scream, yet no sound came out.
He was in agony.
Derek was gone.
Derek was gone.
Gone.
Stiles let himself fall into darkness.
It took a massive effort to blink his eyes open.
He could see Melissa checking his vitals, her lips moving but no sound coming out.
Stiles was tired, exhausted, yet he followed Melissa with his eyes, noting how tired she looked.
He felt guilty, knowing that his father was probably looking just as worn out.
Stiles hated himself for that, he hated himself.
He closed his eyes trying to sink back into the darkness.
When he opened his eyes, he started up at the cracked ceiling.
He was too tired to blink, so he just stared at it without moving.
Day after day, he would open his eyes and just stare at the cracked ceiling, not letting his mind wander, staying as numb as he could.
Stiles was laying in their bed, tangled in black sheets that Derek so loved.
Sun was starting to shine over them, warming their skin even more.
Stiles looked to the side.
Derek was laying there, watching him, simply watching him.
His eyes flashed blue, that gorgeous blue that Stiles so loved.
- Stiles, you need to wake up. Wake up, Stiles. Come back. For me? Please? - Derek sounded urgent, his eyes flashing blue.
Stiles felt his heart picking up before starting to sink.
No matter how much he wished for this, he knew that it wasn't actually happening.
Derek was gone.
- You're not real. - He tried to say but no sound came out.
Derek kept staring at him but Stiles was sinking. He let himself sink. Too exhausted to fight.
Stiles woke up in panic, his heart trying to tear out of his chest.
There was a loud beeping going on right next to his head.
He has been in complete silence for who knew how long so now such beeping scared the shit out of him.
His eyes shot open in panic.
He could hear the beeping getting louder and more out of control, freaking him out even more.
He needed to get away, he needed to get away right now, that beeping will kill him, push his heart out of his aching chest.
A loud animalistic whine like sound smashed against Stiles skull like a hammer.
Tears welled up in his eyes, such foreign feel.
Blue eyes flashed right in front of Stiles panicked gaze. Derek's eyes.
Stiles wanted to cry, why was the void so cruel, torturing him like this?
Stiles squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best to lift his hands to his head, to try to scrape the frantic beeping away.
He wanted to be gone.
He needed to be gone.
The next time he woke up, the beeping was steady, almost calming.
This kind of beeping he knew, it was the same beeping that had filled his days spent in the hospital next to his dying mom.
It was a steady beep of a heartbeat monitor.
Stiles didn't open his eyes right away, he took his time simply listening to the steady beep of a heart, thinking back at the days spent with his mom.
He was disturbed by the door opening and closing.
He opened his eyes, noticing Melissa stopping next to his bed, checking his vitals.
Her lips moved but he could hear a thing she was saying.
There was just a steady beeping.
He closed his eyes, trying to sink back into his memories of his mom when a low growl disturbed him.
He opened his eyes.
Derek was standing at the foot of Stiles hospital bed, his eyes flashing before dimming back to human ones.
He was talking to Melissa but Stiles couldn't hear them.
He was tired.
He closed his eyes, sinking back into comfortable nothingness, listening to the beeping of a heart monitor.
- Stiles... - A choked sob woke him up.
It was dark, probably in the middle of the night, he didn't know.
He looked to the side from where the sound came from, his heart skipping a beat at the sight there.
Derek was sitting next to his bed, clutching at Stiles' hand, tears streaming down his cheeks.
He has never seen Derek cry.
Yet again, Derek was gone, this was just an illusion that his mind was trying to create to cope with agony.
He really hated his mind.
Even knowing that it was not real, Stiles still felt a pull to comfort Derek.
But all he could do was squeez Derek's fingers.
A surprised look flashed across his face at that.
Was that hope?
Stiles really hated his mind.
He squeezed his eyes shut, letting himself sink back into darkness.
Stiles woke up from voices speaking in hushed tones.
It was so unusual to hear that it confused Stiles for a moment.
- He's stable. Doing better. We need to give him some time. - first voice said in a soothing tone.
Stiles forced himself to open his eyes.
Melissa was standing at the foot of his bed, talking to Derek.
- I can't just sit around and watch him slowly die! It would be easier to claw my own heart out! - Derek tried to keep his voice hushed but it still came out harsh and growl like, his eyes flashing blue.
It just looked so comical and so so absurd that Stiles couldn't help himself and start to laugh. Wet laugh bubbling up his raw throat and breaking free.
It sounded so strange and almost maniacal even to his own tears that halfway through, he started to cry.
He just laughed and laughed till he didn't have any air to breathe anymore.
He let his eyes fall shut, laughing dying into gasps for air.
He welcomed passing out.
After that, many tried to talk to him, Scott, his dad, Melissa, Lydia. They talked and talked and talked. Some soothing, some angry but all asking the same thing. For Stiles to wake up, to break out of all this, to be okay again.
He faced them all with blank staring at the cracked ceiling, his mind wandering all around, almost always tuning out everyone.
Then there were days and nights, especially nights, when Derek was by his side, talking to him.
Not begging, not being angry. Just sitting there and talking to Stiles.
These Stiles tried to listen.
He missed Derek, missed him a lot.
He knew that it was selfish to just lay there and listen to Derek instead of facing reality but he just missed him so damn much that sometimes he passed out from the ache.
Stiles knew that he was getting worse, he could hear doctors speaking about it, debating on the best ways of what to do with him.
Stiles knew that he should get up, start to fight back, pull free from whatever was holding him down. But in all honesty, he wasn't sure if he even wanted that.
He couldn't imagine living without Derek, he just couldn't.
So he stayed as he was, somewhere in between.
He woke up from Derek's protective growl, his eyes just snapping open.
- Derek, we need to do this. It's the only way. He needs to remember. To understand. - Lydia tried to explain, sounding almost desperate.
- Lydia's right. Deaton said that this could work and we really have no other choice. This is the last hope. - Scott was determined.
Stiles was confused about what was happening, why were they here so late and what were they trying to do?
- You will be hurting him. I can't watch him hurt any more than he is already hurting. - Derek tried to keep his voice steady but it still was matched with growls.
- I know. But we need to try. It's this or nothing. - Lydia sounded sad.
Stiles was really confused. And tired. He was so tired.
Maybe he should just go back to sleep and just ignore them all.
- He's falling back asleep, hurry up. - Malia snapped somewhere closer to Stiles.
Stiles opened his eyes back open, he could hear them coming closer and shuffling around. Then all of a sudden there was a phone being pushed in front of him.
His phone.
With a video playing.
Stiles didn't understand.
What was happening, what were they doing?
It was a video with Derek, being chained up and all bloody, them beating him up.
Derek's eyes were glowing bright blue.
Stiles didn't even need for them to turn the sound on, he could remember it clear enough.
Derek roaring, them laughing, telling Stiles to watch, the gunshot after gunshot.
Derek's eyes dimming out, his roar turning into that ragged breath of death.
Stiles couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't watch Derek die again.
He screamed, trying to push the phone away.
There were hands holding him down but they all felt like tearing him apart.
He screamed and screamed, sure to brush his vocal cords.
Light was snapped on, people were talking but all he could hear was his screams.
He just couldn't stop screaming.
He clawed at hands holding him down.
He could feel something cold spreading through his veins, cutting off his screams, calming him down.
Then Derek was right in front of him, holding him tightly against the bed, his eyes shining blue with pain and force.
- I'm here. Stiles. I am here. I didn't die! I survived! I am alive! Stiles! I am here! - He half screamed half roared in Stiles face but all Stiles could do was stare in these gorgeous blue eyes.
How he wished that it was real.
He woke up when the sun was already halfway down the room. He was exhausted and aching all over.
- He doesn't believe that you are real. He thinks that this is just a hallucination. - Someone was explaining something that Stiles didn't care about.
He wanted to sleep.
- Then I'm taking him home. - Derek half growled.
Stiles turned to look.
Derek was a mess, his clothes all rumpled, hair wild, skin pale. He didn't look okay.
- Derek, we've been over this a hundred times already. - Stiles father started in tired tone.
- But he's not getting better here, only worse. I can't let him die. - Derek pushed one hand through his hair.
Stiles furrowed his brows at that.
Derek was never so all over the place, never.
- He's watching you. - Melissa nudged Derek who turned around right away, hurrying to Stiles.
He sat down on the hospital bed, gently caressing Stiles cheek.
Stiles could feel the warmth seeping in his skin.
- Stiles... - Derek's voice broke.
Derek's voice never broke, he was the strongest person Stiles knew.
Derek just searched his eyes, searching for something, Stiles didn't know what.
Stiles stared back, confused.
Derek let out a shuddering breath before leaning down and pressing his lips against Stiles.
Oh.
Stiles let his eyes fall shut, getting lost into the simple press of the lips.
It was like coming home.
When Derek started to pull away, Stiles gripped at him, more like clawed at him, keeping him close.
It was like Derek was a match and Stiles was a gunpowder, something inside him lighted up.
He started to kiss back with such urgency that he could taste blood in his mouth.
Derek broke back, surprise written all over his face.
Stiles holds on even tighter, sinking his blunt nails into Derek's skin, trying to force himself to sit up, to chase these lips.
- Stiles, slow down, you are still hurt... - Derek tried to say but failed when Stiles finally smashed their lips back together, just holding on for a little while longer.
He breathed in Derek's scent, mixed with hospital smell.
- Real...? - Stiles croaked out, searching Derek's eyes.
- Yes, idiot, real. Took you long enough. - Derek growled, his eyes flashing blue.
Stiles let go off of him just to grab the first thing that was by his hand and smash Derek with it.
Derek jumped up in pure shock.
Stiles threw the thing at him, already exhausted.
- Stiles, you need to calm down. - Melissa was by his side, helping him lay back down.
Stiles tried to speak but his throat was too dry so he just growled at Derek before clawing at his hand, pulling him back close.
Derek sat back down, still confused but there was also something else dancing in his eyes, something that looked close to joy.
- Can you please get us some water? - Derek's tone was back to steady, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.
Stiles wanted to kick him but settled on pulling his hand closer against his chest before closing his eyes and letting sleep take over him.
When he woke up, Derek was still by his side, watching over Stiles.
- Idiot. - Stiles growled.
- Glad to have you back. - Derek leaned down to peck his forehead.
- I thought that you died. -
- I didn't. Couldn't leave you. -
- Idiot. C'mere... - Stiles didn't even say anything more before Derek got into the hospital bed beside Stiles.
Stiles rested his head against Derek's chest, listening to the steady beat of heart, his own finally calming down.
- You scared us, Stiles. - Scott was sitting at the foot of Stiles hospital bed.
Stiles just shrugged, taking another bite from the pizza that they brought to him.
Derek was pressed against his side, holding a protective arm around Stiles.
- You could have informed me that he wasn't dead. - Stiles grumbled back, finishing his third slice and reaching for another one just to be stopped by Derek who pulled his fingers up to his mouth and licked them clean.
Yup, he was definitely real. And already blowing Stiles' mind.
Lydia cleared her throat, pulling them out of their moment.
Stiles looked over at her.
- The most important thing is that you are okay now. - She smiled warmly.
- Like a fucking Cinderella. - Derek grumbled, nuzzling against Stiles' neck.
- It's sleeping beauty not Cinderella, you idiot. And why couldn't you kiss me earlier? Would solve a lot of problems. - Stiles leaned even more against Derek.
- I was too busy worrying about you trying to die. - Derek grumbled back.
Before Stiles could say anything more, Melissa came into room smiling brightly.
- Good news, you can go home. - She stopped by Scott's side, snatching one of the remaining pizza slices.
- About time. Can't wait to thoroughly check Derek out to make sure that he's really real. - Stiles swinged his legs over the side of the bed, pecking Derek on the lips. - But really, if you decide to pull such a stunt again. I will kill you myself, bring you back and then kill you. -
- Okay. As long as you're okay. - Derek got up to help Stiles, pulling him into a bone crushing hug.