Light is coming out from under the door. He's there, as usual, probably filling in some reports. Why must he always tire himself? Sure, captain Levi is dedicated to his work, as he should be, but he's also a human. He needs sleep.
Perhaps Petra should be sleeping too. Thing is… she can't.
She feels her hand go numb as she is about to knock.
She was always shy about talking to captain Levi, since her first days in his squad, more than three years ago. He's the type of person that seems cold and unapproachable. However, over time she has managed to grow closer to him and look past his stoic expression.
Yet, right now she hesitates to talk to him. For a very different reason.
She can't take it anymore. Her feelings for him are much too strong for her to allow her to be in his squad. She takes a deep breath and decisively knocks on the door. A stiff hum is heard and she comes in. It's a little harder now that she's looking at him, but she will be strong.
"Captain?"
Why is her voice trembling? She clears her throat and makes a note to herself to be more confident.
"Spare me the formalities, Petra" he says without looking away from the papers in his office. "I've already told you, you don't have to call me that when we are alone".
"I'm sorry, Levi".
His name feels uncomfortable on her lips, but she secretly enjoys saying it out loud, as opposed to only thinking about it.
He nods for her to sit on the chair next to him and she obliges.
"You didn't join me for tea yesterday night" Levi says. Not complaining, not asking why. Just stating it.
True. She wants to be near him so badly, but at the same time she fears being alone with him. The feeling is the same as standing near fire. You want to be near it to warm you up, but get too close and you'll get burned. Maybe it is too late for Petra. She feels her whole body is ablaze.
It's not like they have agreed to meet every night for tea. It just happens. And by now they are used to it.
They aren't actually drinking together. Levi is drinking his tea at the kitchen minding his own business, and Petra minds her own, a few chairs farther. Most of the time they aren't even talking. But… asking where she was last night? Maybe… he missed her?
No, that's a dangerous thought. Surely, he preferred being alone.
"Well… I was like… you know, a little bit… just tired. That's just it" she stutters, folding her arms awkwardly around her shoulders and looking at the floor.
And then the most unexpected thing makes her look up, her cheeks turning red, her eyes widening in shock. Levi's hand is on her forehead.
What is he—
Oh God.
Petra tries her best not to faint and really hopes her captain doesn't notice her blush. They have touched each other before, mostly on the battlefield, but this is something more intimate. It's something new. His hand is still lingering there for longer than Petra can take.
"You're not sick" he states, taking his hand away.
Oh. That's why he… Yeah, of course. Silly Petra. Why else would he touch her?
"Uh… Thank you".
Great. As if calling her "not sick" was a compliment. Why does she have to be so stupid?
"So?" Levi raises an eyebrow, after a long silence.
"Eh?" she asks.
She did it again, didn't she? Zoning out and staring like an idiot.
"Why are you here, Petra?"
That's right. Focus!
"I have a request" the words come out of her trembling lips hesitantly.
He impatiently nods for her to continue.
Now or never, Petra thinks, takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and spits it out.
"I'd like to be transferred to a different squad".
Silence.
Levi doesn't even blink.
Did he even hear her? Maybe she should say it again.
"I said I'd like to—"
"Request denied" he cuts her off.
She feels electrified. Did she make him angry? He has the same cold expression as always, but something is off. Will he say more? Is she supposed to say more? She prepared a whole speech in her mind, but now she doesn't remember a thing.
"Sir—"
"This is the elite squad" Levi interrupts her. He seems calm, but Petra knows better. He has that 'what-is-wrong-with-you' face. "We are the best of the best" he continues. "You belong here. I personally hand-picked you and every day you prove that I was right".
"I know. Thank you for this opportunity" she gives him her warmest smile. "I really appreciate your trust. But I… I prefer to be transferred. I'm sorry for disappointing you, cap— Levi".
He gets up from his chair and paces around the room. Should she leave? Should she explain? Her heart beats faster than his footsteps on the wooden floor. When he stops walking and returns to his chair, she feels that her heart has stopped too.
He only says one word: "Why?"
"I… I don't want to trouble you with explanations. I'm sure your time is precious and you have a lot—".
"Why?" he repeats. "I don't get it. Do you have any complaints about the squad? We can work it out. I just need you to tell me".
"No, I…"
Where is all that courage she struggled to find before knocking on his door? How can she explain? Would it be any good if she told the truth?
"Just… personal reasons", Petra waves her hand dismissively.
"You had a fight? Was it Oluo? Eld? Gunther? Did they say anything bad to you? I swear, the moment I see them—"
"No, no!" she rushes to defend them. "They guys are great! I enjoy spending time with them".
"Then what is it?"
How can she even begin to describe how she feels? Are words enough?
She didn't plan on confessing. But maybe… he deserved to know? No, that wouldn't help either one, it would only make the situation worse. She is not ready to face his rejection, his irritated look, his disgust probably. He'd tell her she's crazy. That she has no business thinking about him that way. And he'd be right.
"Petra!" he says in a commanding tone. "Why do you want to leave?"
She already feels the tears falling on her folded arms, before she realizes she's crying. She isn't sure she remembers how to breathe.
"I'm sorry" she mumbles as she gets up and runs out of his quarters.
She doesn't turn to see his expression, just leaves in a hurry, hoping she didn't slam the door too harshly.
He doesn't follow her. No, of course. Why would he?
As she reaches her own door, she's thankful no one is in the corridor to hear her uncontrollable sobs.
Her mattress feels hard under her weight and the sheets are cold.
She knows the transfer procedures take time. All that bureaucracy is so annoying. Petra has always been patient, but she wonders: how many more nights will she have to cry herself to sleep?
The only place she can utterly be with him is her dreams. So, she shuts her teary amber eyes and hopes she'll sleep soon. In love, it's either all or nothing.
She was never the type of person who prays before sleeping, but tonight she begs the goddesses and every deity that exists to give her courage to face her captain tomorrow.