Garfield: Blade Runner
Author's note: when ur sad because your gmail penpal disappeared & hid their fanfictions on ao3 all cuz I'm writing fanfics again & he got worried over a smear campaign being held against me again due to his stories having similar humor style to mine except his had graphic sex content in an effort to passively stick it the people that bullied/hurt/avoided/blocked/etc me to the point I avoid all people sigh ok come back fanfic twin gmail penpal gdi also tfw still out of doritos also tfw ur waiting for a package & have to be out in the living room in the chaos & feel so relieved when ur mom finally goes to her room god damn fuck yeah ancient shit aliens on
Garfield and Jon were doing their usual sitting at the counter staring into space not being aware they were being photographed for comic panels in another universe. Garfield went into the cat-loaf position.
Jon Arbuckle glared at Garfield. "WHENEVER YOU GO INTO LOAF POSITION, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WITH INTESTINAL DISORDERS TOOK A MASSIVE ORANGE SHIT ON THE COUNTER!"
Garfield hissed. "YEAH, WELL YOUR HAIR LITERALLY FUCKING LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK A SHIT ON YOUR HEAD!"
"YOU FUCK! MY HAIR IS NATURALLY THIS COLOR!"
"YOU'RE NATURALLY FUCKING SHIT!"
A knock came at the door. Jon went to peek out the door hole learning to never open the door due to robberies. It was the mailman. He opened the door. The mailman slammed a box into Jon's face and then left.
"WHAT A FUCKHEAD!" Screeched Jon as he slammed the box onto the floor. "WHO THE FUCK SENT ME THIS FUCK?" He stomped on the box not bothering to open it before he went into the kitchen.
Garfield walked up to the box and opened it. Inside was a GoPro that was now shattered. "JON, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. YOU STOMPED ON YOUR GOPRO!"
"AW FUCK!" Shrieked Jon. "GOD DAMN IT!"
Two hours later, the two sat on Jon's armchair to watch TV.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY KIDS!" Screeched Binky the clown. "GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"
Jon flung his remote at the television causing it to explode and scatter sparks all around.
"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!" Screeched Garfield. "GOD DAMN IT!"
"SHUT UP, WE'RE WATCHING 'THE BROKEN AND ON FIRE SHOW' NOW, YOU ORANGE DIARRHEA."
"YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCKER!" Yelled Garfield as he swiped his claws at his face. "NOW WE DON'T HAVE A TELEVISION ANYMORE, YOU ASSHOLE!"
Garfield cut his nose causing the man to scream. "GAAAARFIELD!"
Odie came hopping in barking happily. Garfield was infuriated and chucked the dog into the burning television before he lifted up the television and threw it on top of Jon causing an enormous explosion that knocked the cat back hitting a wall.
The mailman returned and broke into the house. "Oh. Yeah, forgot your fucking letter—- OH JESUS!" He gasped as he witnessed the enormous flames roaring around the living room. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
"Fucking roaches." Snarled Garfield. "Fucking motherfucking roaches happened."
The mailman slowly tiptoed backwards out the house and closed the door.
The next day, Jon and Garfield were sitting by the kitchen counter. "Fuck." Muttered Jon. "You orange fuck."
"Fuck off." Muttered Garfield.
"Let's go to fucking Walmart."
Garfield sighed. "Fine, but carry me."
"NO, YOU NEED EXERCISE."
Later the two arrived at Walmart. Jon grabbed a basket and placed Garfield into the toddler seat. "Okay, we need milk, eggs, butter, flour."
"GET SHIT FOR LASAGNA, YOU PUTRID FUCK!"
"SHUT UP!"
"GET LASAGNA OR I WILL DESTROY ALL YOUR SHOES!"
"FUCKING FINE." Jon went into the freezer aisle, opened a door, grabbed a box and violently chucked it into the basket. "THERE. YOUR FUCK FOOD IS IN THE FUCKING BASKFUCKEST."
To be continued.