A/N: I can explain this. I swear. I was texting my friend MilkTwist (who has an account on AO3 and has recently been helping me with my other story A Broken World) and suddenly I thought to myself, What would happen if Harry and Hermione had to lock away his Invisibility Cloak when they become parents?
...
This started out as a complete joke, so don't take it seriously. Please. This is going on my track record now.
A few disclaimers: I don't make money from this or Harry Potter, I was probably just high with MilkTwist from pure boredom and lack of sleep when we decided to make this. Also, HUGE KUDOS TO HER! She is a million times more funny than I can ever dream of being, and she really made this come to life with her knowledge of humor and the fact that she has Grammarly.
So most jokes and unnecessarily fancy words is most likely from her, I just wrote the base of the story while she made it infinitely better. With credit given and disclaimers disclaimed, please enjoy this mess of a story we manufactured out of our bored and lonely minds :D
Honey, the Kids Stole the Invisibility Cloak and I'm Scared.
Harry Potter was worried. That's all I can say, to be fair. Oh, were you wanting a description? Okay then: His palms were sweating, as well as every other part of his body. He paced back and forth, again and again, never letting up his pace and he was sure he would burn a hole in the shape of his path. Hermione would be home soon and he lost the kids again. But it was worse this time. Whereas other times they would simply hide, he had forgotten to lock the chest containing his Invisibility Cloak. He was screwed.
Okay, okay. Maybe she won't be too mad. Maybe she won't notice. Maybe she'll be happy; two fewer kids to worry about, right?
Then he heard something at the door. Keys. The click he heard next sent pure dread and fear through his system, and he broke out into a cold sweat. Oh, God. The dictator was home. Why? Why did she do this to him? Why did he agree to be a stay-at-home dad? A house husband? He guessed it was in the contract of marriage and having two destructive balls of energy that flew around the house (a.k.a. the flesh adopted demons eating away at their funding), flinging objects left and right like little recessive offspring tornados.
And suddenly, the door opened. His heart instantaneously halted. His breath caught uncomfortably in his (manly) chest and yet he found himself breathing heavily. His wife, dressed in Ministry apparel with her bushy brown locks pulled back into a thick, semi-low ponytail with her curls spilling down her back and cascading over her shoulders. She walked inside and hung her leather purse on a nearby coat hanger, as well as her Ministry robe.
"Harry!" She exclaimed as she always did, and ran up to peck him on the lips. Harry tensed and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her.
Oh God, oh God, oh God…
"Are you okay?" She asked, pressing her hand to his forehead. "You're sweating buckets," Harry found himself unable to answer, but it turned out that he didn't need to, for after Hermione looked around, she glanced back at him, her demeanor swiftly altering into something far more monstrous as she said in a dangerously low voice, "Harry, where are the kids?"
This was it. This was the confrontation that petrified him for the past 20 minutes. He gulped, swallowing the saliva he didn't have, as his body began to wiggle and jiggle viciously and he looked everywhere but his wife's flaming eyes. Slowly, carefully, he built his voice back up, and with a final burst of bravery, breathed in and told her the truth:
"Honey, the kids stole the Invisibility Cloak."
It was then that Hermione went absolutely bonkers. "WHAT?!" She screeched. "How in the world do you let your children steal your Invisibility Cloak of all things?!"
"I forgot to lock it!" said Harry.
"You have one bloody job, Harry: Keep your children in check!"
"At least Rosie is still okay," He replied, gesturing over to his one-year-old daughter sitting innocently in her playpen, making her stuffed black dog bounce around. Her short auburn hair, messy as always, held a cute navy blue headband in it with a little white rose on the side. She looked up at them, her cinnamon eyes that matched her mother's shining brightly.
"Well, at least we know who the good child is," Hermione sighed. But then, for a split second, two more faces appeared under a cloak. Harry felt fear like no other wash over him like a tidal wave. One face belonged to a little girl, her emerald eyes twinkling mischievously like her brother's brown ones. And then, just as abruptly as they had appeared, they were gone with Rose.
Hermione gasped and Harry went pale. For minutes, neither of them said anything, and then Hermione grabbed him by the hem of his bathrobe and yanked him close to her body. "HARRY, THEY TOOK THE BABY!" She screamed.
Harry nodded frantically.
"WHERE ARE THEY?!"
Harry shrugged.
"DAMN IT, HARRY, HELP ME!"
And he sprung into action at her words, like a soldier on duty, and raced around the house, looking for any sign of where they could be. He found it when he entered the kitchen.
There were empty bags of chips, split-ended, cheap, microwaved hotdogs, and any other snack one could imagine. Gone was the tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream; gone were the bottles of mustard and ketchup; gone was every piece of candy bar and cookie. There was only one thing un-destroyed on the counter, and that was a note.
He approached it and took it into his hands, his eyes widening at what was written.
You have 10 seconds to find us before we revoke your McDonald's gift card.
His breath quickened. His heartbeat increased. His mind raced. Only one thing came out of his mouth: "HERMIONE!"
Hermione whipped around in one jagged motion, staring her 'husband' down.
"Yes?"
"My Mc-FREAKING-Donald's gift card is going to be revoked!" He whined as he plummeted to his knees. It was unspeakable, unpredictable, maddening! How could someone think of something so diabolical?
Hermione strutted towards Harry, looming over him with an undying aura of dominance. She bent down, snatching the note from him like a child, and read it over.
Her face spoke volumes of displeasure, anger, and terror.
"Like the gift card, you have 10 seconds to explain yourself."
Harry broke out into another cold sweat; he felt disgusting by now. Hermione began to count down as he hastily stammered, "I-I just didn't l-lock it last night, love! I swear! I n-never meant for this to happen!" Then, cowering down low in front of her nice legs, he added in a meek feminine voice, "Please don't make me sleep on the couch…" But she disregarded his pathetic plea.
"My dear—" She began, "—our couch is especially comfortable this time of year. Now, if you want back your bed license, you better get your arse up and help me look for our children."
He nodded worthlessly, just like his gift card now, but Hermione gave him no aid in getting up, and his already broken heart received yet another painful kick. Not from his wife's betrayal, but his free food card that had ceased to exist.
When he got his footing he made a note to remind his wife to reward him generously for his efforts. He would become a long-time war hero. He would be the one to find his children, to put an end to this madness, to gain his wife's respect—
"GAH!" He cried in agony. Once more, he collapsed onto the ground when two sharp pains shot through his knees. He looked up with tears in his eyes and saw just a glimpse of his two five-year-old twins, identical smiles on their faces and both holding wooden swords with Rose standing innocently in between them. Harry jumped up to grab them but they ducked under the cloak just in time and ran away.
"HERMIONE! THEY'RE GOING TO THE LIVING AREA!" He shrieked.
Upon hearing this Hermione ran back into the kitchen, clenched Harry's wrist, and yanked him towards the living room along with herself.
"How are we—", but before he could utter any other purposeless word from his sorry mouth, Hermione shushed him to silence.
She leaned downwards, getting ever so close to Harry's ear, the body part in which was apparently damaged since they came upon this situation of a half missing household. Once she was at an adequate demotion, she closed the gap between them, and very quietly and forcefully spoke, "Keep quiet you donkey, if we keep hushed we can hear them moving around. We didn't raise a quiet bunch."
And so they listened, heads craned and necks stretched, and the faint sounds of shuffling and giggling could be heard. The pitter-patter of feet moved left, then closer, then to the right a little, then it began to close in on the two anxious and fearful parents, and both Athena and James raised their swords for attack…
"Petrificus Totalus!" They shouted without warning, and three dull thuds were heard only moments after. Harry kneeled and extended his hand, clasping it around the cloak and pulling it off to reveal three petrified children, with Rose lying on Athena and James underneath the two.
Hermione walked forward and waved her wand, and Rose immediately jumped up and ran into her mother's arms. Athena and James stood quickly after stumbling over their tangled limbs, but both Hermione and Harry caught them just as they went to turn around and dash off. Harry trapped Athena in his arms while Hermione had James and Rose, and both parents moved to the kitchen where the mess of the eaten snacks were still littering the floors and counters.
"Clean. Now." demanded Hermione with a mighty jab of her finger. Knowing that it was pointless, the twins climbed down from their parents' arms and bowed their heads low and slowly, sadly, began to gather the empty bags and containers. It was almost like watching kids do work at a camp they never wanted to go to in the first place.
"This might be the most depressing thing I've seen all day," said Harry. Hermione could only nod. They stood in silence for a few moments, until he casually leaned towards Hermione with an innocent face. "So, does this mean no couch?"
With a scoff and a roll of her eyes, Hermione continued to watch her children throw away the last of the mess before commanding them to go clean any other destruction caused furthermore. She turned to Harry and said with a smirk, "Leave the trunk unlocked again and you're sleeping on the couch for a week. But, I'll let you off the hook this time," Her eyes suddenly narrowed and fire flashed dangerously inside them for a moment, however. "But Harry James Potter, if you ever let something like this happen again, as God as my witness, I will end you."
With an audible gulp he nodded frantically. "Yes ma'am,"
"Good," She said with neutrality and began to walk out into the living area. "I'll put the cloak away; you can clean our room."
"WHAT?" He cried. "That's the most damaged one!"
Hermione stopped in her tracks. She turned slowly, her red eyes boring into his with a glare that would have had him dead on the ground in seconds.
"You're sleeping on the couch for a week." She snarled. Harry dropped to his knees, his eyes squeezed painfully shut to keep his tears in. Hermione rolled her eyes at his McDonald's gift card level of worth and walked out, while Harry held his head in his hands and sunk fully to the floor.
And there the pathetic excuse for life wept for fifteen minutes.
Fin
A/N: I don't have much to say after that... So here's an inspirational quote!
"Shaking and crying rn guys, btw doing a giveaway, enter now Mr. Beast" — MilkTwist
Uh so yeah um have a good rest of your weekends and weeks and life and uh give MilkTwist some kudos :/
~ Eclipse