"Samantha…"
By Cordelia50
Note: This is my version of what could have been the next scene after "The Glory of Love," by Jessica D and Jame J, concluded.
"Samantha…" John couldn't quite believe she was standing in his loft doorway after all these years. But he regained his senses and moved forward to hug her. Sami returned the embrace more gingerly and with some hesitation. Stepping back, John beamed at her and waved her inside. "I'm so glad to see you." He noticed she pulled a suitcase in behind her. "Did you just come from the airport?"
Standing the case by the now-closed sliding door, Sami nodded. Her mouth was suddenly dry, and she was getting more nervous by the second. Clearing her throat, she answered, "Yeah, I'm on my way to see Mom and Dad, but I wanted to stop by and see you first." Rubbing her sweaty hands self-consciously on her pants, she followed John into the living room and sat when he gestured. Looking down for a moment, she then raised her chin and looked at the man who had raised her for the early years of her life. "I'm not sure how that's going to go, you see, and I might need to make a quick get-away."
"Aw, Sami, I don't think it will be as hard as you think. They are going to be overjoyed to see you," John tried to reassure her. "Can I get you something to drink or eat?"
"No thanks. I'm fine. I stopped in Salem Place and bought coffee." She grimaced. "If you wouldn't mind, may I use your facilities?"
"You bet." John pointed her to the bathroom, not sure she'd remember where it was after so long. As she disappeared, his mind raced. Sami had left Salem to live with Marlena's parents shortly after baby Isabella's kidnapping. And she'd never come back until now. She hadn't kept in touch either - at least not with him. He'd heard about her marriage, son, and divorce through Marlena...well, actually, more through Roman who had been in contact with his daughter most often.
Sami washed her hands in the sink, her heart pounding. Drying them, she tried to calm herself. She was going to go through with this. She couldn't keep it to herself any longer. Resolutely, she opened the door and returned to the seat she'd vacated.
John asked, "How's Will? How are you? Are things going okay in Colorado?"
Sami nodded and smiled, "Yes, Will's growing into a young man so very fast. He's thriving at school. He plays a lot of basketball. And right now, he's at summer camp.
"And I'm doing alright too. Got a promotion about a month ago."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks. How about you and Brady?"
"Brady's got a girlfriend he's quite serious about, and I'm doing okay too. Can't complain about business."
"That's good." Sami said hesitantly, "I've missed you and everyone here in Salem."
"And we've missed you," John said gently, but not offering anything else. After all, it was she who had left, not they. Why she had picked this time to return, he hadn't a clue.
Sami took a deep breath. "John, I have something I need to tell you. I don't think I can tell my mom, but I've got to finally let it out to someone directly affected, and so I'm gonna burden you with it."
John sat forward. She had his attention, but he couldn't imagine the topic of conversation. "Okay. I'm listening."
"You remember the gala at Titan Publishing back in February, 1993?"
John felt a shock but tried to be nonchalant. "Yeah, I remember it. What about it?"
"Well, I was there that night too. And at one point I couldn't find Mom in the crowd. I wondered where she'd gone, so I started looking for her. After a while, not finding her, I just went up in the elevator and got curious about the executive offices floor. I wandered down the halls.…"
With growing fear, John now worried he did know where she was headed.
"...Then I heard some muffled noises that I couldn't quite place. I went toward them. The conference room door was just slightly ajar...and I...peeked in." Sami lost her nerve now. This man had done something wrong with her mother, but he was also still the one who had protected, nurtured, and guided her when she was little. And she had her own sins to deal with, so she didn't want to spell out in graphic detail what she'd seen.
John wanted to flee the room. He rose abruptly and moved behind the end of the couch, giving, actually and figuratively, both Sami and himself a buffer of space. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, and he knew his face was flushed with embarrassment - something it didn't do often. He said heavily. "You saw us."
Sami's face also colored. "Yes." She looked at the fireplace instead of at John.
"I'm so sorry, Sami." He didn't know what else to say, "I'm so sorry."
"Well," she shrugged, "if I hadn't been snooping, I wouldn't have. I've kicked myself for that many times."
John replied softly, "Marlena and I have felt great remorse for what happened back then. We put a stop to it, and it hasn't happened again since.
Sami looked John in the eye now. "But you still love each other, don't you?" she asked boldly. "I remember what you were like when I was a little kid and you were 'Dad' to Eric, me, and Carrie. You and Mom. You loved each other so much, the love just spilled over."
John looked away from her for a moment, then he squared his shoulders and replied, "That was a wonderful time, Sami. You don't know how much I treasure the memories of those years with Doc and you kids." He let a wistful smile play on his lips. "Your mom and I will always love each other, but, obviously, we are not together, and it's just not in the cards."
"This is a mean question to ask you, but do you think Mom and Daddy are happy together?"
John shrugged again. "Your mom wants to be with your dad. That I know. And he, obviously with her. You're an adult now, Sami. You've experienced marriage and, sadly, also its breakup, so you know that all marriages, even good ones, have their ups and downs. I"m not sure what kind of answer Marlena would give you if you asked her that question, but my guess is that she'd say, 'Yes.' " He fell silent, not wanting to dwell on that anymore.
But then he said, "Did you stay away all these years because you were angry at me and your mother for what we did back then?" He added, "I mean, you didn't actually leave until after Belle's disappearance. Did you think her kidnapping might lead to them breaking up and -" he didn't finish the sentence.
Sami bit her lip. "Did you think that?" she countered.
John's shoulders slumped again and he shook his head. "I didn't know what to think." He came around and sat down again, leaning forward toward her. "Look, Sami, here's the truth. I have hoped a few times in the last twenty years that your mother and I could be a couple again - all on the up and up. No sneaking around. But as I said, it hasn't happened."
He straightened and said, "I think we should drop this subject. Again, I'm very sorry that you saw what you saw. In a way, I wish you'd let your mom or me know back then so perhaps we could have dealt with it together."
But suddenly something else occurred to him. "Wait. Since you knew about Titan...did you ask the same question that Marlena and I did? When your mom got pregnant, did you worry that the baby might not be Roman's?"
Sami swallowed hard. This was the moment of truth. She shifted and looked at her hands. Before she could say anything though, John said, "Dumb question. Of course you did. But, you kept your worries all inside? You didn't share your fears with anyone, did you?"
"No, no one. Not a soul. Not even Jamie, my best friend. I just couldn't. She might have blabbed to her parents and then it might have gotten back to Mom, Dad, or you."
"Oh, Sami. I'm sorry you went through that by yourself. At least Marlena and I talked to each other about it. And we never told anyone, but we did have a DNA test done." John looked at her. "We knew from the test that little Belle was Roman's child, not mine." He paused. "Oh, shit - pardon my French - you didn't know! Was that the reason you left? Did you think the baby was maybe not Roman's?"
Sami couldn't sit still any longer. She got up and crossed over by the fireplace. John turned, looking expectantly but with trepidation for her reply.
"John, I have to make a terrible confession to you." Sami's eyes filled again with tears, but she kept them unshed.
"Say whatever you need to say," he replied somberly but still encouragingly, his own eyes starting to water in sympathy with her. He again had no idea where she was taking this.
"I did know about the DNA test."
Confused, John said, "What? How? It was done in secrecy."
Shamefaced, Sami said, "I got into the computer system at the hospital. With Mom on staff there, I found a way."
"Oh." John couldn't be very judgmental about that, He himself had accessed the computer system in Marlena's office behind her back when he first came to Salem and didn't know who he was.
John's face relaxed a little. "Okay. So, you accessed the system, and you saw the results. So you knew the baby was your dad's."
Sami was silent. Slowly she shook her head.
"What do you mean, No? No, what?"
Sami sniffled, the tears starting to spill. "Isabella wasn't my father's child. She was yours."
John was stunned. He felt his head swimming. But he got to his feet and walked a few steps toward Sami. "No. You're wrong, Sami. Didn't you read the results properly? Have you been thinking that all these years?" he asked incredulously.
Sami impatiently brushed her tears away. It reminded John of Marlena when she did that. Sami spoke, "John, I changed the DNA results to make it look like Isabella's father was Roman Brady. I erased the original and true results: that you were Isabella's biological father."
Seeing the look of complete disbelief on John's face, Sami continued, "I was a stupid, scared teenager. I was so worried that my dad would leave my mom if he found out about your affair and the baby being yours. I didn't want that. I would have done just about anything to prevent it. In fact, I DID! I was angry at you and Mom for betraying my dad. I didn't think it was 'fair' that you should get a baby to further tighten your already obvious connection to each other. So I learned how to doctor the DNA results, and I changed them." All of this tumbled out in a mad rush.
Sami braced for an angry explosion from John at this revelation. But he just looked haunted. He seemed to shrink before her eyes. And, he seemed to have almost forgotten she was in the room as he stared past her and whispered, "Little Belle is my daughter. She was mine, and I didn't know. I didn't protect her. I didn't stop her from being kidnapped. I didn't keep Marlena from having to feel pain all these years because we don't know what happened to her." He sank down onto the sofa and covered his face in his hands. And then, he cried.
Sami's heart broke. She had just irreparably hurt the man she truly did love as a father. Certainly she had been angry about the surreptitious affair for a while. Sure, she had thought it unfair that her baby sister was not a whole sister but a half-sister. But she had grown up. She had lived and learned, and she'd realized that she had been far too hard on her mother and John.
Sami wanted to go to John and try to comfort him. But she knew better. He would not want that from her after what he'd just heard her confess. She went back and sat in the chair again and waited. She had more to say if he would still listen.
Finally, John wiped his eyes and struggled to master himself again. Seeing Sami wiping her own eyes across the coffee table from him, John simply said, "Well, your young self did get revenge. I just didn't know it until now. And I wouldn't have known even now if you hadn't come and told the truth. So I do thank you for speaking up now."
"I'm so sorry, John. I won't ask you to forgive me because what I did was unforgivable. I am sorry though. I've carried this around for such a long time. I've debated with myself endlessly about whether I should tell you. For ages I was too chicken. Also, sometimes I thought it best to let sleeping dogs lie."
"No, you were right to tell me," he said flatly, sadly.
He suddenly looked more alert and alarmed. "Did you come back now to tell Marlena and Roman this also?" he asked, more sharply and accusatively than he wanted.
Sami pursed her lips and looked away from John again. She waggled her head indecisively. "I am not planning on telling Dad. If I did, who knows what he'd do? And there's no reason to. But with Mom, I'm torn. Part of me thinks I owe her the truth just as I did you. But, if I tell her, then she would know something my dad doesn't, and I don't want her to have to keep secrets from him."
"Yeah, I see your dilemma." John wiped the last of his tears from his face and got to his feet again. He paced around in front of the fireplace.
"But there's something else. Another factor," Sami informed him. Seeing him give her a "what could be worse?" look, she hurried on, "You asked before why I stayed away so long. Well, one reason was that I always thought Mom - and Daddy too, but not as much - blamed me for my sister's kidnapping."
"No…" John began.
"YES, John. I was there, in the house. When Mom and Dad left for dinner, Isabella was there with me. Eric and Carrie were out for the evening too. We were the only two in the house, and all I had to do was make sure she was all right. But I failed!" she wailed. Tears again threatened to roll down her cheeks.
"Sami -"
"She was upstairs sleeping in her crib. I was downstairs on the couch doing my homework and listening to music. I had the baby monitor too. I had locked the front door after Mom and Dad left just as he told me. The backdoor was already locked, I thought. But when Dad came back in the front and yelled he'd forgotten something, I yelled back 'okay' and assumed he'd lock up when he left again. I never checked so I don't know if he did. I was too busy trying to stay awake and figure out quadratic equations," Sami finished angrily.
John shook his head vigorously. "No, Sami, it wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was in a way. I never checked the front door, and I didn't go up and physically check Belle in her bed either. I was so tired, and I fell asleep there in the living room. Not excusing myself but I'd been up since 5:30 a.m. And I guess I slept like a log too. The next thing I remember is Mom and Dad standing over me and barking a million questions all at once. But it came down to 'WHERE IS ISABELLA?' She wasn't in her crib. And the window in her room was open!"
The devastated look on Sami's face hurt John so much that he crossed to her and put his arms around her. Sami put her head on his shoulder and held him too, much more strongly than she had when she'd hugged him back earlier.
When John let Sami go, he said quietly, "Sami, whoever took Isabella would have gotten in, I'm sure, even if you had checked the door. We don't know if it was locked when the kidnapper gained entrance to the house. And we don't know if the door was used or the window. Roman said the front door was locked when he and Marlena came home. He used his key to unlock it."
"The kidnapper probably locked it!" Sami exclaimed bitterly.
Looking grim, John nodded. "Perhaps. But we don't know whether it was locked or not when the kidnapper came in."
"Well, how would he (or she) have gotten in the front door if it was locked? I mean we didn't give out tons of keys to the house!" she pointed out.
John replied seriously, "But there were then - and still are - people who had spare keys to your house. The Hortons. Shawn and Caroline. Me."
"Hmph. None of you would kidnap a baby."
"No, of course not, Sami. But the kidnapper may have gotten hold of a spare key and made a copy." He said quietly, "Don't think I haven't wracked my brains about any possibility that somehow this sick perp got hold of mine. All they had to do, if they knew anything was have a piece of soft wax, or silly putty, or something similar. They'd press the key into that and from that impression could later make a key. It would take seconds.
"But, as I said, we don't know if the window was used or the door. The window's on the second floor, and there was a ladder by the storage shed, but climbing a ladder in the dark of night could be seen from the Horton's house."
"Mom thinks they got in and out through the window, She yelled at me for not closing it." Sami said, remembering that with a heavy heart and a tinge of indignation too because it wasn't her job to close windows back then. She hadn't even known it was open.
"Whoever this kidnapper or kidnappers were/are, they were probably professional. You know the case is still open - as is any unsolved kidnapping - and yet, we've never gotten a clue." He turned his face away from Sami for a moment, the anger and frustration welling up in him.
Sami sank down into the chair again, the strength suddenly sapped from her legs. "I'm sorry. I am dredging up something that's still a deep wound for you, just as it is for me. And I've made it worse for you tonight by telling you you're Isabelle's father.
"And even though I'm grateful that you don't think Mom and Dad blame me, I can't shake the belief that deep down they do. I was the designated babysitter. I shouldn't have gone to sleep until they came home. I should have somehow kept her safe."
Again, John shook his head. "If these criminals were professionals, it was better that you were asleep because they might have harmed you. And if you had seen their face or faces, you might have been a threat they couldn't leave behind. All of us who love you are thankful you were not hurt - or, for that matter, that you weren't taken too.
"This could have been a human trafficking ring. Who knows? It just is so baffling that there were never any clues. It doesn't appear to have been a spontaneous crime, a crime of opportunity. It was planned, premeditated most likely."
Sami nodded, "Okay, but honestly, I still feel as though the family - not just Mom and Dad - blames me. But most of all, I think Mom blames me. She won't admit it, She says she doesn't. But I think deep down, she can't help it - she does."
"Maybe it is you who blames you, Sami. Maybe that's why you haven't come home all this time." John looked at her gravely but evenly, "Especially since you knew that you'd changed the paternity results."
Sami knew she deserved that. Her face reddened, and she gave a small nod of acquiescence. Sighing, she said, "Yeah, maybe. But I can't change my gut feeling, John. I do think Mom, especially, blames me. Hell, I know she loves me. I'm her kid. And Mom is a wonderful woman who has a big heart and loves her family. But that doesn't mean she can't feel anger at me. I know I've haven't been here, but I can't shake the feeling - whether it comes from a rightful concern or from my own guilt.
"And that brings me to the final thing I wanted to say. If I were to tell Mom about the switched paternity, I think she'd REALLY blame me. She'd think I deliberately let someone take Belle because I knew she wasn't Daddy's child. That I let them in. Or at least gave them the clear opportunity to come in easily. I was a highly emotional teenager, and my relationship with Mom wasn't good at that time. It wouldn't be an unreasonable jump of logic for her, John." Sami ran a hand through her long, blonde hair, her face wearing a despairing expression.
"Come here," John said. When she did, he put his hand gently on her shoulders. "Sami. Think about how you love Will. If Will were to do something as unbelievable as changing paternity tests, you'd be angry and disappointed in him, wouldn't you?"
Dropping her eyes, she murmured, "Yes."
"But you'd still love him with all your heart, wouldn't you?"
"Yes," she whispered again.
"Your mother loves you like that." John told her firmly. "You're her daughter. That will never change. Her wholesale love for you will never change."
"Okay. But that doesn't mean she couldn't suspect I'd somehow been a co-conspirator in the kidnapping of Isabella. And for that suspicion she could hate me at the same time she loves me - even hate me precisely because my horrible action with the DNA test gives her reason to suspect me."
Sami looked up at John, "Maybe you, once this sinks in, will think I did that too." She dropped her head.
John tipped her head up so she was looking at him again. "I don't think that. I know you loved your little sister, and would never, no matter how angry you were at me and your mom, do something so terrible. You just happened to be the only one home with the baby when the kidnapper or kidnappers came. They may have been watching the house from someplace hidden for a long time before they made their move."
"Thanks, John. I swear I didn't have anything to do with Belle's being taken. I hope after you've had a chance to absorb all this, you will still believe in my innocence on that score. But Mom is a different matter…"
"I see I can't dissuade you from your fears. At least not at the moment. So here's what I suggest. Go home and see your mom and dad. See everyone else you haven't seen in eighteen years. Don't say anything about the DNA test for now to anyone else. I will keep it to myself for the time being too. As you said, there isn't a real reason to spring that on Marlena. And even more, on Roman." Privately, John admitted to himself that since he had always denied to Roman that anything sexual had ever happened between him and Marlena after she and Roman resumed their marriage, his keeping Sami's secret was serving his own interests as well as hers.
"Sami, give yourself permission to be freed of your own guilt. Feeling guilty doesn't really help. I should know because I poured plenty of guilt on myself about the affair. And, so has your mom. We both still carry that around, and neither of us has fully let go of that guilt. Part of that has to do with the fact that we never confessed what we did to Roman. But endless guilt is not healthy. Proportionate remorse, and repentance based on that, are the better reactions. We've all got to learn to forgive ourselves.
"You said before that you don't expect me to forgive you for changing the paternity results. Well, I won't pretend that I won't feel anger about it for a while. It will take time for me to get used to this reality. But, Samantha, I love you as if you were my own - just the way you mother loves Carrie. I love Carrie and Eric and you just as much now as I did when I thought you were my own flesh and blood. I always will. And I do forgive you. I know you have carried this secret a long time, and it was right of you to come and tell me and get it off your conscience." John pulled her into his arms again as they both choked up.
After a while, they disentangled themselves, and both of them simultaneously raised a hand to wipe away a few tears.
Sami chuckled a little self-consciously. "Thank you. I love you too. Very much. You were a wonderful dad to me when I was little. And many times in Colorado, I've thought of you and missed being able to come and talk to you in person. I know I didn't keep in touch with you directly, and I'm sorry about that. Truth is, with what I knew I'd done, I didn't feel right about calling you and pretending everything was great. As you know, I did call Dad and Mom. but when I talk to Mom on the phone, I often feel awkward. And I get the feeling she does too. Anyway, thank you for letting me unburden myself. I'm so grateful for your forgiveness and for not judging me or rejecting me."
She gave him another hug and said, "Now I've really got to get myself and my suitcase to the house.."
John smiled at her. "I'd drive you, but that could be awkward too. I'll call you a taxi. I know a driver I trust implicitly."
In a short while, they stood outside on the curb. The taxi driver put Sami's suitcase in the trunk, and John opened the rear door for her. He kissed her cheek, and she kissed his.
"Listen, don't go back to Colorado without seeing me again. You're welcome anytime."
Sami laughed. "Okay. I promise." As she settled into the cab, and John was about to close the door, she added, "Dad."
As the car drove away, John waved, but he knew Sami didn't see him. Taking a few deep breaths, he couldn't believe what had happened in the last hour. Belle was his daughter. That sweet little baby he'd held once or twice. He'd told Marlena recently that he'd never had a daughter of his own (he'd meant biological), But he had. God knew where she was. Was she even alive? Had she died all those years ago? Or had she grown up somewhere, never knowing the truth of her parentage? Never knowing her own loving mother and father?
John felt a sudden rush of determination and resolve. He was going to find out what had happened to his daughter. He would not rest until he knew. Until he had brought the kidnapper or kidnappers to justice. Until he could either set eyes on the girl's grave, or, please God, on her herself!
Making that pledge to himself, he was about to turn back into his apartment building when he caught sight of another blonde approaching down the block. He smiled and waved to her. It was Alexia strolling back from Salem Place….
Many thanks to Jessica D and Jame J for "The Glory of Love." I've read it a few times and thought about it more than that. It isn't a comfortable story in some ways, but it is a John and Marlena story that beckons to me to continue the tale in my head, because, as far as I know, the authors didn't take it any further. The above short offering is the first time I've put some of those thoughts into print.
Readers can find "The Glory of Love" at The Jarlena Journal website.