Adam still has nightmares about that night. Being in the car with Al, hearing over the radio "shots fired, officer down". Speeding to the location because he knows that's where Kim and Roman were sent, and he hasn't heard Kim's voice yet on the radio. It couldn't be her that was shot. It couldn't. He hadn't even told her he loved her.
He dreams that Kim's dead. That she didn't survive the first surgery, that she didn't survive the second. That the gun had aimed slightly more to the centre of her body and had hit her chest instead of her shoulder.
It's when he wakes up after one of those dreams, fingers twitching around his girlfriends sleeping form that he realises - Kim is The One. He's got a shitty track record with relationships, he's been engaged twice. The first one he doesn't talk about because it was high school bullshit and he's just glad it ended. Wendy...he thought they could work. But she'd never have been happy as a cop's wife, and he knew that.
But Kim gets it. She knows the job, how hard it is. How there's days where you just can't talk about it because it's too much. She's the softness that he needs in his personal life, the strength that helps him in his work life. He's so hopelessly in love with Kim Burgess it hurts. He can't imagine his life without her - doesn't want to imagine his life without her. He wants to be her husband. He wants her in a white dress, seeing her glowing. He wants the marriage, to live together through the ups and downs. He wants to have children with her, if she wants. To see her grow their child, to take her curses and threats in labour, to cut the cord because it's their baby made in love.
Because Adam Ruzek has fallen completely in love with the bravest woman he's ever met, and she's his Kim. He gets to sleep beside her. He gets to kiss her in the locker room. She's his Kim.
It takes three weeks for him to even realise that he's planning to propose. He's out with Kev, doing some canvassing when he stops and stares at an engagement ring display. He doesn't even know what Kim would like. They haven't talked about marriage, they've been together for eight months and it feels too soon by most standards. But he wants to wear her ring.
"Bro, what are you..." Kev's voice trails off as he sees where Adam is looking, seeing the rings he's staring at with wonder. "You gonna pop the question?"
"It's too soon, isn't it? But I want to. I don't wanna have to rely on nurses being nice to CPD to make sure I can be in her hospital room again. I want to call her my wife. I want to be her husband." Adam can't stop staring at the ring he knows is perfect for Kim. It's platinum, with one diamond in the centre. It's not showy, and it's not big, but it's Kim. It's something she can wear in work and not worry about it, it's something that just fits who she is as a person. Without thinking he's walking inside and asking to see it, Kev on his heels.
When he's shown the ring he knows this is for Kim. He's pretty sure she's a six, putting the ring between his fingers as if he was holding her hand and it fits so well. He puts a deposit down for it then and there, ensuring it's going to be hers.
He asks Kev for ideas about how to propose, and when things go wrong and Kev is back on patrol he freezes. Having Kim in intelligence all day is exhilarating. They're completely professional at work, not willing to give Voight a reason to kick one of them. He knows if it's going to be any of them it should be him - Kim's a better cop than he ever would be - so they don't even brush fingers getting coffee.
He still texts Kev for advice, but it's Kim's last day in intelligence that he realises where he's going to propose. He knows her locker combo, arriving down after lunch and opening it to put the red leather box in. He sees Kev in there, brushing him away so Adam can ask the love of his life to marry him. He sees the shock on her face and for a moment he's anxious. Will she say no? But then she says yes and he slides the perfectly fitting ring on her finger and he kisses her and it's him and Kim and she's agreed to marry him and it feels so good.
When it ends he's blindsided. He stands in the locker room - in almost the same spot he'd proposed in - and Kim gives him back the ring saying she's letting him off. Had he not been clear that he wanted to marry her? If she'd wanted he'd have gone to the courthouse the day after he proposed, getting a judge to marry them. But Kim had said she wanted to push it back, that she wanted to delay moving in together. So he agreed. He agreed to do it because she asked and he wanted to make her happy. And one raid - one stupid raid that he had to go on because he was still so anxious about his spot, he knew people said he didn't deserve to be in intelligence - had ended it. He'd honestly thought he'd be back in time to meet Kim's mom. He wanted to. Kim had dealt with meeting Disco Bob, and he wanted to meet the woman who'd turned Kim into the woman she is. But instead he was handed his ring back and went home alone.
When he switches on the light in his apartment he realised there was a box there that hadn't been there this morning. Opening it, there was all the things he left at Kim's when he left that morning, neatly packed away. His flannels, his underwear, even the toothbrush and toiletries he used at his fiancées apartment were there. The realisation of what it was washed over him in a panic, and he runs to the closet. It's half empty and he has nobody to blame but himself. Kim's belongings are gone, her toothbrush is missing, even her migraine pills are gone. It's as if she never spent time there. When he returns to the kitchen there's a single silver key on his table, and that's what kills him the most. There's no note, not anything. Just the key that matches the one on his ring sitting there, and that's what sets in that this is real to him. This is real and Kim is gone, and there's nothing he can do to fix this because how could he fix what he didn't know was broken in the first place?
The next day at work is excruciating. He arrives too early so he won't run into her in the lockers, and is at his desk before Voight even arrives. He's filling out paperwork that he knows won't be due for weeks, but it keeps him upstairs and away from patrol, ignoring the voices that he can hear from downstairs. If he hears her voice - he can't even think her name or his carefully constructed walls will crack and he'll start crying in the bullpen - it might just kill him.
Voight sends he and Kev out on a stakeout, and he nods his appreciation to his Sarge as he goes. Obviously Al must think he's doing good if they're letting the two of them out together.
"You ok?" Kev asks, concern clear. Adam runs his hand through his hair, fluffing it up.
"No. We, uh...things ended last night. She gave me back the ring." The ring was currently sitting in his jeans pocket, because if he left it at home it made it real. And he couldn't face that right now.
"Oh." Kevin's voice trails off, and Adam remembers that before Kev was his best friend, before he was going to be his Best Man, he was Kim's. Kim was a surrogate aunt to his siblings. He can't talk to Kev about what's going on because Kim will need him, and it's not fair to make the man have to hear both sides of the story. Adam knows that his loyalty to Kim will win out anyway.
"If you want to talk, I'm here."
"Thanks, man. I'm still just coming to terms, you know?"
If you'd asked Adam who would be the biggest comfort to him, he never would have said Antonio. But the older detective saw him coming in early and leaving late, always making sure to avoid patrol changeover time. They were on a stakeout together, watching for a drug dealer when he broke the silence.
"You doing ok?" Adam's head whipped around.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Am I missing something with the stakeout?"
"That's not what I meant." Adam looked confused, watching the older man carefully. "I know what it's like when a relationship ends and it blinds you. I know what it's like to hold around the grief and not know what to do with it. I don't know what it's like to have to see them most days in work, but I know it can't be easy. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. We're all here."
And Adam let himself talk. He talked about his worries, how he'd thought he wasn't good enough for Kim anyway. How seeing Roman flirt with her was like a knife in his stomach but he ignored it. How being in that courtroom and having her answer that she was in a relationship with her partner made him want to vomit. That it was the not knowing why that hurt the most.
After that their relationship changed. It had never been cold, but there was an understanding between them that remained. The day Antonio announced he was joining the ASA's office hit Adam a little harder than expected, and when it was announced Kim would be joining it was like a shot to his gut. The moment the undercover offer is extended he takes it. He knows he should talk to Voight, should let him know what's happened. But he can't. He needs to get away. He couldn't see Kim. Couldn't do it.
Returning and being put on patrol is a crap situation, but he makes the most of it. He smiles with his partner, tries (and fails) to make Trudy smile, and gets on with doing the down and dirty police work. He realises why Kim did it for so many years, why she loves it. He's helping people. He's making a difference.
When Kenny tells him he's leaving Intelligence Adam is stunned. Who gives up on that unit? Who says goodbye to it? But being second in command of Narcotics makes sense, and Adam shakes his hand goodbye, before Voight officially offers him his job back. It doesn't take more than a second for Adam to agree, and he's back from Monday. No more patrol shifts.
He spots Kim leaving the precinct and calls her over. He needs to make it right, needs to make sure she's ok with this happening. He'd never admit he took the job to get away from her, and he'll never admit what he saw while he was undercover, but he needs to know she's ok with them working together.
The moment she steps close he feels that connection they have. It's still there, and he knows she's his soulmate even if she doesn't believe in them. And when he asks if he can come back and she agrees, and then she kisses him? He feels like he's home. And he swears right then he's gonna do everything he can to make it right for her, to prove he's the man who she deserves.