It was an average day in Nier Drake, Jr.'s (yes) hometown of Bumfuck, Florida (established in 1823 by the twins, yes, no one knows exactly how old they are except for Popola, not even Devola can remember). The temperature was an uncomfortable 92°F. His father, Nier, Sr. (yes) had just wrestled the local backyard alligator into submission, and life was good (except for it being really fucking hot but that's just life in Florida). Nier (the younger one) was reading the self-help book So, Your Girlfriend Has a Cock after discovering that Kainé had a little something extra in her pants. Of course, he didn't mind this, because that's his fetish. Indeed, he felt as if he didn't need the book, because he felt totally prepared from reading hundreds of futa on male doujins. Kainé was busy being the 21st Century Schizoid Woman in her dilapidated house, going on Terry A. Davis-style rants to anyone walking on the sidewalk outside of her house. Indeed, the rants about glow-in-the-dark CIA operatives conducting harassment ops on random people were something that the residents of Bumfuck were already well acquainted with, especially since they already lived in something resembling a Twilight Zone episode, albeit a good one (AKA one written by anyone other than Rod Serling. Fuck you Rod Serling give me back my toothbrush you WHORE). Weiss was busy doing some retarded shit (whatever i don't fucking know he's a big stupid nerd anyway) but not really retarded shit because it actually involves a lot of brainpower and thought. He's probably reading about World History or something, as Nier doesn't call him the human encyclopedia for nothing. Emil was busy playing Fortnite as usual, as he had lost interest in Among Us.
All in all, it was a pretty normal day in Bumfuck, Florida, if not for the fact that Nier, Jr. and his merry band of exceptional individuals had agreed to go on a walk together. Quaking with dread over the prospect of having to use his legs to move forward in a direction (he's only used to moving backwards and sideways), Nier was steeling himself in anticipation for the fateful walk to nowhere in particular. Plus, their international friend Sechs was joining them. Nobody really knows where he comes from, or what language he speaks, but he's just sort of brown, so Nier figured he was Brazilian and was thus genuinely afraid of having his wallet stolen. On this (not) particularly hot day, everyone was sweating bullets, and that one song from Re:Zero (the one called Call of the Witch) started playing, except not really, because Re:Zero sucks. The awkward silence was soon penetrated by the deafening sound of helicopter rotors, as Nier swiveled his head towards the giant disc engraved with "PERCOCET" being airlifted onto a lawn.
Kainé was the first to break the silence with a simple "What the fuck?". Soon, everyone was too busy staring at the gigantic Perc 30 to notice Devola, one of the mysterious twins running the entire town (Kainé believed them to be aliens). "Yup, that's the Perc 3 Million. Beautiful, isn't it?"
Nier was utterly shocked that something like that even existed, wondering who the fuck in their right mind would make a gigantic Perc 30. He only said "What in the goddamn…?"He then turned towards Devola, seeing that she was wearing two pairs of shutter shades simultaneously, a Guy Fieri-style button up shirt with the all-important flames, and daisy dukes with "juicy bitch" written on her behind in cursive. She was also nursing a styrofoam cup filled with lean, and her clothing had numerous stains of cocaine on it. She was always like this. Devola shrugged and cleared her throat, saying "Well… I might've been a little high while ordering it. I went on a SICK bender last night, I don't even remember how much coke and PCP I did. Anyways, I'm probably just going to display that as an art piece. I even had a pedestal commissioned for it."
"Bruh." Everyone said, including Weiss and Sechs. Emil, still innocently trying to figure out what a Perc 30 is, quietly raised a trembling hand and uttered the question on everyone's minds. "Um… How much did it cost?" Unsettling Creepypasta music began to play as Devola attempted to calculate the price of the Perc 3 Million in her mind, taxes included. "I don't fuckin' know, I didn't keep the receipt. Sorry."
"Bruh." Everyone said, including Weiss and Sechs, again. Indeed, it was a sign of their strong friendship that everyone just sort of innately knew when to say "bruh" together (albeit in the case of Nier and Kainé, it went way beyond strong friendship. There was a reason he said to her "Yes, you and I are more than just friends now!").
Devola threw her hands up in frustration and exclaimed "Do you guys keep all of your receipts, or what? What kind of sociopath does that?"
Sechs responded by pulling out a huge bag containing every receipt he had ever received in his entire life.
"This sociopath, apparently." said Kainé in an unusually calm tone.
"Dude, I was high! I just did stuff!" exclaimed Devola, getting increasingly defensive over her decision to buy and exhibit a gigantic Percocet tablet.
Weiss finally decided to speak up for the first time in this, as he had recovered from his utter shock. "...Tell me, woman. Do you truly call us sociopaths for keeping receipts, when you yourself have purchased a comically large Percocet tablet?"
"At least I have a plausible excuse, right?" Devola was clearly getting uncomfortable over having her life choices questioned by a group of autistic and retarded teenagers, plus the single child among (HOLY FUCK AMOGUS?) them. Seriously, where are his parents? Who lets their 12 year old son hang out with some random 15-19 year olds?
The questioning of her life choices reminded her of the factors that decided her to buy the enormous Percocet in the first place.
In this flashback, Devola gazes down upon her pool of gold coins. She rubbed her hands together like a cartoon villain and giggled excitedly, preparing to jump in. She jumped in, but it was not what she expected. Her bones broke horribly upon landing, and she was left bloodied and in horrible pain.
"AAAAAAAGH! IT'S NOT A LIQUID! IT'S A GREAT MANY PIECES OF SOLID MATTER FORMING A HARD FLOOR-LIKE SURFACE! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! MY FUCKING BONES!" screeched Devola upon realizing the excruciating pain that she was in.
Devola's thoughts faded back into reality.
"Man, you guys are really killing my vibe. Later, homos." Devola left in a hurry on a pair of rollerskates that they just now noticed she was wearing all along.
"Well, that was fucking stupid. Let's never speak of this again." said Kainé, and the group silently agreed with her. They went to Nier's house to have some grape juice and eat pizza, except there was no good pizza. It was from Devola's pizza place, DeVola's, best known for its shitty, greasy pizza with burnt crust, generally flavorless cheese, and watery sauce. The gang suspected that it was a front for Devola's side business (money laundering), but they all accepted that there was literally nothing they could do about it. They all ended up drinking grape juice, and they ordered two extra large pizzas from somewhere else.
Unbeknownst to Devola, the Perc 3 Million had been stolen while she was off eating Perc 30 cereal. The revelation shook her to her very core, as she had practically fallen in love with the Perc 3 Million. In a state of immense emotional distress, she called her infinitely more normal but no less strange twin sister, Popola.
"SIS! THE PERC 3 MILLION! THEY STOLE IT!" Devola managed to blurt out in between bouts of incoherent bawling and sobbing.
"What? What is that? Who are "they"?" Popola responded, utterly confused.
"THE GIANT PERC 30 I ORDERED! IT'S GONE!" Devola screamed with the fury of a thousand suns, continuing her crying.
"Why would you order something like that? How much did it cost? Who even makes those?" Popola replied, even more confused.
"I DON'T KNOOOOOOW! I JUST DO RETARDED SHIT!" Devola yelled.
"Who are "they"? Who stole your Percocet?" Popola said, remembering that Devola said "they".
"I don't know, someone! It has to be someone!", Devola exclaimed unhelpfully.
Popola tried to think of someone who would and could steal such a large object. "Look, maybe it just fell from the pedestal? It could've rolled somewhere." Popola reasoned, trying to think of a logical explanation to the missing Perc 3 Million. Indeed, it seemed plausible, as Devola's house was close to a relatively uninhabited patch of wilderness, perfectly large enough to conceal the Perc 3 Million. However, Devola decided that it must have been Nier & Co., because this story desperately needs conflict where there is none. Naturally, this meant trouble for them, given the amount of influence Devola has over the town, and even beyond. Massive, big trouble. Possible death.
"Sis… Call you-know-who." Devola said in a dramatic fashion.
An assassin was called in. 2B casually drove into town in her matte black sedan, because of course it's a matte black sedan.
"I apologize for not arriving earlier. I had a little trouble with my Giant Ass™." 2B calmly stated.
"No, it's okay! You just gotta find whomstever stole my Perc 3 Million." Devola said, adding "whomst" because she thought it made her sound intellectual. 2B was prepared to go on this mission to avoid interacting with 9S. In fact, she was just about ready to find any excuse to get as far away from him as possible after he revealed that he obsessively saved every single picture from the Dark Period™ where she had an OnlyFans. Including the foot pictures. She felt simultaneously impressed and horrified upon finding this out, as it was definitely not a normal fucking thing to do and also beneath and beyond even the most degenerate of coomers. She felt her skin crawl. Foot pics? Who the fuck gets off to that? Thinking about the Dark Period™ always made her feel this way, but it was even worse now. The Twins had something on her. Anyways, she was told to kill Nier and his friends if they wouldn't say where the Perc 3 Million was. She wondered why Devola even thought that a group of random teens were responsible for stealing a house-sized Perc 30, but knew better than to question the Twins or they'd blast her noodz all over the internet. If pics of her feet got out, her life was over. Not that it was much of a life to begin with, all she has in her life are a bunch of doves, her sick katana collection, and her friendship with a weird hobo down the street. She went on the trail after Nier.
Meanwhile, Nier and his friends were in the TerrainFucker 4x4, the greatest and manliest terrain car that totally isn't compensating for something (Central Stockholm office workers, I know it was you), as they were on a journey to recover the missing Perc 3 Million.
"This sucks ass." Kainé angrily spat. "Why the fuck should we be held responsible for Devola's retarded property when we never even fucking touched the damn thing?"
"Well, I know better than to fuck with the Twins. We could die, or worse, get blasted on Myspace by Devola's 953 alternate accounts." said Nier, half-jokingly.
Still, the hussy is correct." said Weiss, "We never touched the Perc 3 Million. It is therefore entirely unreasonable that WE should be the ones looking for it."
"When the hussy is sussy." Nier said, grinning like the Joker. Kainé slapped him hard enough to cause an echo. Nier only put on Linkin Park, specifically the Meteora album (Session), as he drove on with them to find the missing Perc 3 Million…
Suddenly, the sound of metal, crashing into more metal, is heard, as Nier spots a matte black sedan in the rearview mirror. Kainé spots it too, and, having a schizoid episode at the literal worst time possible, takes the wheel and starts screaming incoherently.
"YOU CIA BASTARDS WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!" Kainé screamed at the top of her lungs as she attempted to wrestle control of the TerrainFucker 4x4 from Nier.
"HOLY SHIT, KAINÉ, WE'RE GONNA FUCKING CRASH!" Nier screamed at her. Everyone else was screaming in terror. Weiss pulled out a shotgun and began to fire at the black sedan. This only caused everyone to panic more, since no one had any idea how he procured the shotgun, much less how he managed to sneak it into the back of the TerrainFucker. However, Nier, Sr. is well-known for keeping firearms in his car that he rarely uses, so that's probably how. And really, who can tell a man what he should and shouldn't keep in the back of a massive car? Except the feds?
Kainé eventually snapped out of her schizo episode, although by that point they were dangerously close to being run off-road. Crouching behind the wheel of her sedan, 2B silently thought to herself that there was no way in hell that these people stole the Perc 3 Million, since they couldn't even drive straight on an empty road. Nonetheless, she had no choice, so she continued to pursue them. She couldn't risk having the foot pics leaked. It would tarnish her reputation forever. Nier managed to get back on the road somewhat, and continued driving. Weiss was aiming carefully at 2B's sedan. Nier changed the music to Stylo by Gorillaz, as it was quite fitting, given the situation. Kainé was just silently thinking about this being the worst crossover ever, except she had no idea. Be careful what you think, Kainé.
Meanwhile, the real thieves of the Perc 3 Million were loading it onto a boat headed straight for Europe. Where in Europe? We may never know. All we know is that it's somewhere in Europe. Nier's car somehow quickly crosses over from rural bumfuck nowhere to a port city in Florida.
"SHIT! THE PERC!" Nier cried out. "IT'S BEING LOADED ONTO THAT BOAT HEADED STRAIGHT FOR AN AS-OF-YET UNDETERMINED AREA IN EUROPE!"
"HOLY FUCK! EUROPE! THERE'S FUCKING DRAGONS THERE! AND ELVES! WHICH WE DO NOT HAVE HERE IN AMERICA, EVEN THOUGH OUR GAME WAS SET SOMEWHERE IN JAPAN." screamed Kainé. Nobody knew what the fuck she was talking about. Surely, none of this was fictional and it was all very real.
Sechs said something, probably about how much he hates the ethnic minorities in his ambiguous home country. Based.
Nier and his friends manage to sneak onto the boat, Payday 2-style. Turns out the guards are just as blind and hard of hearing on this boat as they are in the game. Sadly, their employers had not invested in hearing aids and contacts for them, or better yet, hired employees who could see and hear properly. Their loss.
Meanwhile, a very angry woman with white hair who isn't Kainé walks through the park with her 6 year old son. She's currently in a slightly better mood than usual, because she loves her son very much and would annihilate anyone who would hurt him. This place was probably England, but no one is exactly sure. Ew, the British Isles. So gray and depressing. Especially London. London is a fucking awful city. If you live in London, stop it. Get some help. There's plenty of better places to live. Anyways, on her walk through some weird part of maybe-England, the woman (named Zero) sees a comically large Percocet tablet being removed from a ship.
"...Holy shit, maybe I am insane." said Zero, staring at the Perc with her one currently good eye (her other eye got a little booboo and is healing). "There's no way this thing is real."
She saw some people come out, and she could tell they were Americans because of their hardcore American t-shirts of Confederate flag Grim Reaper skeletons saying things like "I EAT BULLETS AND THEY MAKE MY TUMMY HURT" (Emil) and "CERTIFIED RETARD 50 STATES BARRED" (Nier), and "THE GOVERNMENT FUCKS ME EVERY DAY" (Kainé). "Maybe they're friends of Four's. They seem retarded enough to fit the bill." said Zero to herself, rubbing her chin. She had initially assumed they were Perc addicts, but they didn't look like Perc addicts: they looked like crackheads. Except for the random 12-year-old and the Middle Eastern-looking kid. They ran after the Perc, Zero not knowing it would quite literally save their lives. Zero turned to walk away but suddenly heard a familiar voice that caused her to groan in irritation.
"Ooh! That's the biggest Perc 30 I've ever seen!"
It was Zero's idiot sister Five, and her good-for-nothing manlet (5'1" roflmao) boyfriend Dito. Zero loved her sister, but her hatred of Dito burned more and more every time she laid her eye on him. Five wanted this Perc 30 because it was so massive, bigger than any other Perc she had ever seen. Seriously, that's it. Five eagerly began to chase after it, dragging Dito along with her like a helpless ragdoll. He began to beg for Five to stop, but that was like begging a hungry dog not to chase after meat. Five quickly ended up joining them in the chase for the Perc 3 Million. Zero took Mikhail home and began to chase after Five. Yeah, the Perc 3 Million was rolling through the town at insane speed, hurtling towards the centre with destructive intent. The ways of the Perc 3 Million are truly beyond the understanding of mortal men.
"Wow, with how long we've been running for, we could seriously be Olympic athletes!" Nier said excitedly. "We've been running around for over half an hour without slowing down!"
"LESS TALKING, MORE RUNNING, RETARD." roared Kainé. Being yelled at by an attractive penis woman made Nier's peepee feel funny. Cars and people were being crushed and reduced to strawberry jam respectively by the speeding Perc 3 Million. At its current rate, the Perc was headed straight for the local orphanage.
"Oh, fuck. That's not good at all." said Zero in a hushed tone, staring at the Perc 3 Million in awe. She began to call Two to ask her if anyone was at the orphanage. Two, cheerful as always, responded that she and the children were on a field trip and that the orphanage would be empty. Her cheery tone immediately turned into concern.
"Um, Zero? Why are you asking, exactly? Is something going on?"
"U-um, yeah. There won't be a fucking orphanage! Something heavy and destructive is rolling right fucking towards it!" Zero said in a hurried tone. Two gasped audibly.
"P-please tell me that this is an out of season April's fool joke, o-or something…", pleaded Two. She didn't want to believe that this was real.
"You had best have backup plans for its destruction, because that seems like it's about to fucking happen!" Zero emphatically stated.
Meanwhile, some people noticed the Perc heading straight towards the orphanage.
"Oh dear, Leonard, Arioch! That Percocet tablet is rolling right towards the orphanage! Think of the children!"
"O-oh, yes. The children." Leonard said as he tried to suppress his raging boner.
"Mmmm… Yes, the children..." Arioch said as she rubbed her growling stomach in a circular motion. This would be a perfect opportunity for her to try out the recipes from her controversial cookbook, 99 Easy Ways to Cook Children At Home. The Perc 3 Million reducing the children to strawberry jam would tenderize them for her.
The Perc 30 crashed straight into the orphanage, causing the building to collapse.
"Finally! We can return this to Devola!" Nier happily exclaimed. "We won't get called out on her Myspace!"
"Fucking finally. Let's get out of this dump." said Kainé as she crossed her arms and looked at the Perc. However, the Bri'ish police arrested the five of them for no real reason. Apparently you need a "loicense" to look at Percs in Britain. God save the Queen.
At a shitty payphone, 2B phoned Devola. "It looks like the Perc 3 Million is in Europe. It crashed into a building, but those kids aren't guilty. Can I go now?" she said, with the cadence of a child asking if they're there yet during a boring road trip.
However, the Perc was airlifted by a mysterious person in a beat-up attack helicopter with "POLAND #1" written on it. 2B began to scream in an incoherent fit of rage, as did Kainé while she was being arrested. This day was turning out to be shittier and shittier.
Weiss found their lawyer oddly attractive, but he did nothing because he was a total virgin to Nier's "Chad". Their lawyer, named One, eyed them with her sharp crimson eyes and basically told them to shut up and let her handle everything. She managed to get them off of every single charge levied against them. Nier shook hands with One.
"Thank you very much, One. We won't get murdered now."
"Of course you won't, but I suggest not sticking around too long anyway. The acid gangs are pretty active this time of year." said One in a matter-of-fact tone.
"In Florida, we would shoot people for trying to throw acid in our faces. That, or we would have passionate sexual intercourse with them, but my dad and I always preferred the former." stated Nier.
"You'd need a license for that. Unfortunately, this is Great Britain, the kingdom of endless licenses." said One, half-jokingly.
"Anyways, we'll be going. Have a nice day." Nier said before leaving.
On their way out, Four saw Nier and his friends, and thought "*Wow, based! They're probably also cartoonishly racist, lonely permavirgins, just like me!*"
Eventually, they got on a boat and headed towards Poland, aka Mordor IRL.
"You know, Kainé, I've always wondered what Poland is like." Nier stated to her. "I wonder how those Paczki donuts are in Poland."
"Dude, Poland is a shithole. I hear they only steal German cars and whine about how mean the Russians are. And get drunk. And write 50 million word essays on why women don't deserve rights.", Kainé replied.
"Wow. I guess that really shows off the power of German engineering." Nier grinned as he replied to her. "These Polish guys sound like they mean business. Unfortunately for them, Floridians are the most powerful race in the world." Weiss was about to tell Nier that Floridians aren't actually a race due to his autism preventing him from telling that Nier is joking, but Kainé stopped him. Also, where the fuck are Emil's parents? Shouldn't someone call CPS? Where is Sechs from? Is he from South America? What the fuck is going on? None of these questions will be answered.
Meanwhile, Caim, an 18 year old Polish man, is busy lifting with his 28 year old sort-of-girlfriend, Angelus, who is 2 inches taller than him at 6'3". He does it to stay away from his sister Furiae, who has incestuous feelings for him. His home life is really fucked up. Angelus had somehow fucked up her vocal cords to the point where she sounded like a 45-year-old chain-smoking wine mom rather than her actual age. They were exercising together in some random bunk-ass gym somewhere in Poland. It reeked of cat piss and cheap liquor, but it was the best they could do.
"Well, so far I've only seen my sister once today, and for less than 10 seconds. That's a new record." Caim stated calmly.
"You really should move.", stated Angelus with an exasperated sigh.
"Have you seen the apartments around here? I'm glad to be able to live in a house." Caim responded.
"Is it really worth it if you have to avoid your sister like some anime protagonist?" said Angelus, finishing her set and wiping the sweat off her forehead.
Caim did not respond at first. He was overcome with laughter.
"HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! And yes, it is worth it. My home life has been a living hell ever since my parents died. If I could compare my house to something, I would compare it to a tomb."
"Again, you really should move. I can't think of any reason not to." said Angelus as she looked at Caim with her trademark Angie Death Stare™. Thus, Caim knew that he was in deep shit.
"...No, really. Have you seen the apartments around here? Plus, as much as I hate seeing my sister, I still care about her to some extent. I'm afraid if I leave, her mental state will decline even further. I'm just thinking of a way I could approach this." Caim stated.
"Just do it, faggot.", Angelus roared. "No balls."
"Therapy is some expensive shit around here, but I've been trying to at least help her get that. She really fucking needs it, even more than I do, and I'm basically a mass murderer." Caim was not exaggerating. He killed several members of some retard cult that worships "the Watchers" or whatever. Verdelet gave him a gun to kill them. Now, Caim wasn't sure why Verdelet wanted these people dead, or why he even had a gun in the first place, but it was a job and Caim has an extremely unhealthy love of violence and practices moral relativism (after all, those cultists were probably up to no good anyways).
Angelus shook her head and groaned, realizing that she couldn't convince Caim to move out. She thought he was retarded for staying in an environment like that, but then again, she isn't his mommy and doesn't have to hover over him and micromanage his life. She had better things to do, like setting things (usually cars) on fire, getting drunk off of homemade alcohol (to avoid paying taxes on it), and stealing random shit from the homeless.
Suddenly, a loud impact shook the ground for several seconds. Since when did earthquakes happen in Poland? The power went out briefly. Angelus' raspy voice broke the silence.
"What the fuck was that? Earthquakes never happen in Poland, that shit only happens in shitholes like Japan."
"No fucking idea. Maybe it's some cataclysmic event in which a portal from another world has opened in ours, and all sorts of creatures from fantasy are entering our world and changing it forever. Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I don't do drugs." Caim jokingly responded. "Seriously though, let's go outside and see what happened." Caim put down his weights and walked outside.
Outside was a gigantic Percocet tablet. Caim could hardly believe what he was seeing, and figured that there must have been some mold in the tap water at his house and it was making him hallucinate, because that was the only explanation for this sight that made any sense. Who the fuck makes a gigantic Percocet tablet, and who drops it off in Poland of all places?
"Well, Angie, I think we found what caused the "earthquake" here." Caim stated in awe.
"If you call me Angie again, I WILL strangle you." said Angelus, giving him her trademark death stare. The death stare quickly faded as she saw the gigantic Perc 30 in the middle of their shitty Polish city. She couldn't believe it at all either, and assumed that she must have huffed some weird toxic fumes by accident on her way to the gym. It was completely fucking unbelievable.
"Well, Angel, let's get a closer look." Caim said as he began sprinting towards the comically oversized Perc 30. Angelus made a mental note of remembering to strangle him (like bart (from the show simonphosn)) later on and followed him.
Nier and his friends managed to arrive in Poland, and almost all of them immediately thought it was a dump.
"Wow, people live here? They must be really sad…" said Emil, as even a 12-year-old could realize that Poland is a miserable hellhole.
"Depression is an inherent part of the Slavic way of life." Weiss responded to Emil's statement. This is true, as all Slavs suffer from year-long depression. Kainé could empathize with them, but then had a schizoid episode and began to believe that because they're Slavs, they must thus be communists. Her empathy turned to bitter hatred, because Kainé hated nothing more than communists, the government, and celery, simply wanting to commit tax evasion and buy unregistered machine guns in peace (Nier wanted her to dress up in a tennis skirt, become a goth girl with black lipstick, and put on psych ward grippy socks, she wasn't exactly sure why. He assured her that these were a necessary part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.).
"Hey, guys, look over there!" Nier exclaimed as he pointed towards the Perc 3 Million.
"Fucking finally. Can we bring it home now?" spat Kainé, as she was just about done with life at this point. The Perc 3 Million had finally broken her spirit. It had broken all of their spirits to differing degrees, but she definitely had it the worst. Nonetheless, the five of them began to sprint towards the Perc 3 Million, hoping that no one else would take it. However, the Cult of the Watchers had interpreted the Perc 3 Million as a gift from the Watchers, and were intent on taking it.
"A fucking cult? Really now?" spat Kainé, in utter disbelief as to the increasingly retarded direction this story is taking.
At the forefront of them was a little girl dressed head-to-toe in drip. The five of them were honestly scared by how much drip this one little girl had. Supreme, Timbs, a Yankee with no brim (like the one from the funny Yankee with no brim meme hehe funni xd), she had it all.
"The Watchers, they spit bars!" Manah spoke. (It wasn't Timmy Turner's dad's voice like in the actual game, as the Watchers do not actually exist in this setting. Take that, skytards, looks like Atheism wins again!)
"I feared as much," said Weiss in a solemn tone, "this girl is unfortunately retarded."
"...There's no way this is actually real." Nier spoke in utter disbelief. This was even harder to swallow than the Perc 3 Million. He then began to look around for any hidden cameras. There weren't any, and Nier was unsure if this made it better or worse.
Caim and Angelus just now arrived at the Perc 3 Million, and Caim instantly noticed four Americans and one middle eastern-looking kid. He could tell they were Americans based off of their hardcore Confederate flag-patterned Grim Reaper t-shirts with tough-as-nails statements like "I TOOK A SHIT TODAY" and "I EAT MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH BACON". He silently mouthed "o kurwa nie" as he slowly realized that there was no way out of this one. Angelus took in their appearances. She too realized that they must be Americans, and wondered why people who can barely find their own country on a world map would be in Poland. Of course, the Cult of the Watchers took the Perc 3 Million for themselves, forcing the five to go on another chase. Caim began to follow them, because he was bored and felt like killing some cultists for fun. Angelus chased after him out of genuine concern, believing that he might do some stupid and gay shit that will get him killed.
Meanwhile, in the hellish realm of the British Isles, Zero was quietly assessing the damage that the Perc 3 Million had done to the orphanage. It was pretty much cut in half.
"I'm just glad the kids are okay, but holy fuck… What kind of goddamn lunatic makes a gigantic Perc 30 roll through a city?" whispered Zero to herself as she rubbed her chin and tried to contain her anger. She had issues like that. She then pulled out her phone and called Two.
"The orphanage is fucked. It's pretty much cut in half. I really, really hope you have some kind of plan for this." said Zero.
Two was silent for a few seconds, in utter disbelief. She didn't want to believe that this actually happened, it seemed way too nonsensical to be real. But it was very real. Retarded and nonsensical, but 100% real. She realized the children had no shelter anymore, and that she was now out of a job. She fell into deep, deep despair. Zero tried to console her to the best of her ability. Suddenly, Two remembered that she did, in fact, have a second building for some contrived reason. Her despair turned into relief as she said this to Zero.
"Bruh.", said Zero. Her patience for this CUHRAYZEE world had almost worn thin. At this point, Zero began to believe in shitty crackfics, because she was most certainly in one.
Smacking her lips and sighing like the average African warlord making shitty gaming videos on YouTube, Zero remembered that the helicopter stealing the Perc 3 Million had POLAND #1 written on its side.
"I'm going to Poland, Two. Take care of Mikhail." said Zero while furiously googling the price for an express ticket to Poland. She managed to buy a ticket and quickly flew over to Poland, just so happening to end up in the right Polish city containing the Perc 3 Million. Her mission? Giving the owner of the Perc 3 Million a stern talking-to. And maybe a few broken bones.
Meanwhile in Bumfuck, Devola was still uncontrollably crying over the loss of her beloved Perc 3 Million. Sherm sticks, cocaine, meth, xanax, Perc 30s, speed ball, DMT, datura, lean, nothing helped. She just wanted her Perc 3 Million back. It was like a child to her. Popola, doing her best to support her slightly retarded sister, tried to console her, but it was futile. Nothing could calm down Devola. She was burning with so much rage inside. She was about to summon her Dark Side™, Dark Devola.
"Sis… I'm about to go Sicko Mode…" said Devola, struggling to contain her edgy 8th grade Linkin Park AMV Dark Side™. She just needed enough Fentanyl to kill 3 people. She managed to take in that much Fentanyl, causing Dark Devola to be released into the world, 69 bloody katanas and all. She laughed, just like the Joker.
"Please don't, Devola, we've talked about this… You should just take your meds and go to sleep…" said Popola, attempting to plead with her sister. This had happened before, and was the main reason why they didn't bring people over anymore.
"NO, POPOLA! YOU'RE WORKING FOR SOCIEEEETYYYYYYYYY!" Dark Devola screeched at Popola in her Joker face paint. With her authority as mayor, Dark Devola announced that every day would be Joker Day. It was truly nightmarish. She began to constantly play Linkin Park songs on the local radio, especially "In The End".
"I TRIED SO FAR AND BOUGHT SO HARD, BUT IN THE END, PERC DOESN'T EVEN MAAATTTEERRRRRR" Devola obnoxiously and poorly sang her shitty parody along to the song. "I HAD TO FALL AND LOSE IT ALL, IN THE END, PERC DOESN'T EVEN MAaAaATTeERRR 16 bar rap about how to improve the public transport system"
Popola was on the edge of losing it. She knew that her sister was a basically retarded drug addict and that she REALLY should've gone to rehab or at least Dr. Phil with her, but this was just too far. She was REALLY on the verge of blowing a gasket. Dark Popola was about to come out, except that Popola isn't an edgy 12 year old, so not really. Instead, she dealt with her anger like an adult, by drinking herself into a stupor and crying. She fell asleep and dreamed of a world where Devola wasn't in her retarded Dark Devola state.
Meanwhile, Zero encountered Caim, Angelus, and Nier & Co. Her immediate thought was that there was absolutely no way that a drunken, probably abusive Polish couple and a group of retarded American teenagers (and some weird Middle Eastern-looking kid) were the rightful owners of the Perc 3 Million. She saw they were running after a machine carrying it at speed, which proceeded to demolish the buildings it crashed into. So, a normal day in Poland. Zero sighed deeply, knowing that her day was about to get even shittier, which she didn't even think was possible.
Angelus tried to give up, but Caim wouldn't let her. For just this once, he was much stronger than her, his grip being akin to a vice on steroids.
"We are going to see this through. This kind of thing doesn't happen every day in the rest of the world, let alone Poland. I want to see how this ends." Caim stated. Angelus merely rolled her eyes and continued to follow him, knowing that there really was no way out of this one.
"Kainé, we've almost got it! We'll secure it this time!" Nier exclaimed, with optimism in his voice.
"How the FUCK are you planning on getting it back this time? Huh?! Are you going to have some dummy thicc DBZ plot armor?" roared Kainé, getting even more frustrated.
"No. I think we should just call Devola." Nier stated calmly. "Also, the only thing that's dummy thicc around here is you." He grinned. Kainé slapped him with the fury of a thousand suns. The slap was so powerful, in fact, that it made everything freeze. The reverberations of the slap caused an echo to ripple through all of Poland. Such was the strength of Kainé's fury. The vehicle carrying the Perc stopped temporarily, allowing them to get closer. Kainé gritted her teeth, silently mouthing a frustrated "fuck!" as she realized that she did indeed just give Nier plot armor. It still wasn't enough, but it was better than nothing.
Kainé sprinted like a Rhodesian MACHETE WARRIA and beat the shit out of the people driving the Perc around. They were now outside of a mysterious compound. It looked mysterious and spooky and shit. I don't know, make some shit up. I'm not your dad. Caim began beating up people at the compound like he was Jacket from Hotline Miami. That's exactly how edgy he was, he played Hotline Miami once and decided to make it a cornerstone of his life. Angelus hated it and made sure to give him her patented Angie Death Stare™ every time he quoted Hotline Miami 2. However, the Perc was taken again, but thankfully, it was another compound that was right next door. Kainé pulled out a machete that she brought for some reason. Nier was shocked, he had never seen it, and didn't know where it came from, or why Kainé spoke in a shitty mock African accent every time she held it. He shrugged and assumed it was just her schizophrenia again. Outside of the neighboring compound, a young man laughed as he stood over the Perc.
"FINALLY, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE ON YOU, NIER!" The young man stated. Nier had no idea who this guy was, let alone why he wanted revenge on him.
"Uh, who are you? I've never seen you in my life." shouted Nier, taken aback by the utter randomness of the situation.
"I AM NOWE, THE PROTAGONIST OF DRAKENGARD 2, THE GREATEST DRAKENGARD GAME EVER." Nowe responded. Near him, a tired-looking woman stood, wearing a t-shirt labeled "TARD GUARD" on it. Nier pinched the skin on his arm, believing this to be some strange dream. It wasn't, and he was equally confused.
"Uh, yeah, but Drakengard 2 isn't real. It was a cover op by Square Enix to trick people into playing Final Fantasy games." stated Nier, raising his index finger like a condescending retard. Nowe gasped and started to sweat like an anime protagonist, as he realized that this was absolutely true. Everyone except for Nowe and the people with him looked at the compound, noticing it was labelled "KNIGHTS OF SEAL HQ". It was a fan club for Seal, the Black British musician and songwriter. They laughed at the absurdity of it. Eris looked tired as Nowe embarrassed himself in front of complete strangers yet again. She hated being part of the Tard Guard.
"...Anyways… YOU SEE, NIER, I WANT REVENGE ON YOU BECAUSE YOUR GAME PUT MINE OUT OF CANON. THEREFORE, I MUST DESTROY YOU IN ORDER TO RECLAIM MY GAME'S RIGHTFUL PLACE AS THE TRUE SEQUEL TO DRAKENGARD! THIS PLAN WAS ALL MY DOING. I AM THE MASTERMIND!" Nowe exclaimed loudly.
Zero caught up to the group and simply glared at Nowe with her one good eye. The fury and hatred exuded by this simple glare was enough to terrify Nowe to his very core, making him tremble and sweat bullets.
Suddenly, Manah felt strange.
"Someone h-help! I-I'm turning Bri'ish!" Her drip morphed into a Norf FC jersey. Everyone screamed in terror. Even Caim and Angelus.
"That's it. I've got no choice. I have to fight you to prevent this innocent little girl from becoming British!" Nier yelled as his shirt tore off like Joseph Joestar before he began that fight with Straizo on that bridge in New York City, except not really because Nier's torso was bare now. Kainé suddenly remembered that she drew a giant dick (modeled on her own) on his back with a sharpie while he was sleeping, which made the scene even more bizarre. Nowe leapt down from the Perc and did 58 backflips as Eris gritted her teeth, realizing what was about to happen.
3.5 seconds later, Nowe was a mangled pile on the floor, his bones broken by the fall.
"B-but… I thought it would be a cool entrance…" he managed to slur out, in extreme pain from the hundreds of broken bones. However, Nowe wasn't done yet. There is no wound that going into Tard Strength Mode cannot overcome, unless the plot says so. He got up as his broken bones and wounds began to heal.
"No… I must fight on… He… HE DIDN'T COME TO MY DEATH GRIPS-THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY!" screamed Nowe as he gathered his tard strength.
"It looks like I'll get to have my awesome fight after all." Nier smirked as he said this. He hoped that his father's self-defense lessons would come in useful.
"Kainé, you remember the super secret cooler in the Terrainfucker 4X4, right? I need it now, more than ever." said Nier, smirking, as he was about to unleash his secret weapon: Monster Energy Zero Ultra.
"ARE YOU CRAZY, NIER?! YOU'LL FUCKING DIE IF YOU DRINK THAT MUCH!" Kainé yelled as Nier smirked.
"I sure as hell won't. I have my Floridian Chad genes. I'm practically invincible."
Kainé sighed and got the super secret cooler's contents. Copious amounts of Monster Energy Zero Ultra were consumed by Nier as he powered up into his Ultra Instinct Kyle Mode, prepared to annihilate any drywall in the vicinity.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Nier screamed as he entered his powerful state. The charging took about 4 hours to complete, during which Kainé and the others had a nice lunch together and talked about important things, like how much they hate the government, and in the case of Caim, Angelus, and Sechs, how much they hate ethnic minorities, although no one could understand Sechs. Based.
Meanwhile, Nowe just stood around, eating chicken tendies and drank choccy milk. Eris once again cursed her lot in life as the resident Tard Guard, for bringing Nowe tendies and choccy milk was her lifelong task. Zero simply sighed and took out her hip flask. This was going to be a long night, and she'd need some booze to stay alive.
Eventually, Nier finished charging up, and the two took to fighting each other, retarded DBZ fight style. As a joke, Caim decided to play In The End by Linkin Park, being reminded of shitty DBZ Linkin Park AMVs on YouTube back in the day. It made him feel nostalgic for the good old days when that was the worst content available on YouTube, and when he didn't have the constant threat of incest looming over his head like an inbred Sword of Damocles.
Nier and Nowe began fighting. Of course, Nier was better, because he had some actual training. Nowe had retard strength, though, so that evened it out, actually. Nowe, being reminded of his favorite anime, JoJo (specifically Part 5!), started to yell MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA while repeatedly missing punches. The yelling was soon interrupted by a beer bottle thrown at his head at lethal velocity, causing him to fall down and start crying like a little bitch.
"I can't deal with this shit. I'm gonna have the fucking mother of all migraines if these shitheads keep this up." groaned Zero, having just revealed her trump card: throwing objects with the accuracy and force of a woman AND parent possessed.
Suddenly, the voice of a simp and total loser called out.
"STOP!"
It was… INUART!
"He's my retarded son! He doesn't know any better! Please, stop!"
Caim was utterly baffled upon hearing these words.
Zero glared at him, causing him to freeze in his tracks.
"You better hire a goddamn tard wrangler for that pissbaby. I'm getting a migraine, that kid chugged enough Monsters to kill an elephant, and I travelled all the way to Poland just to see him getting beat to shit." hissed Zero. She was just about done with everything and everyone.
"Inuart, there's no way that this kid is your son. You and I are both 18, and he looks to be about the same age as us. Did you adopt a retard? Is this a joke?" Caim said, utterly confused, trying to look around for any cameras.
But there were no cameras. Only an ocean of idiocy.
Like a Dhar Mann video protagonist, Inuart began to explain it to Caim. "You see, Caim, while you were avoiding Furiae like an anime protagonist, I had sex with her. When she got pregnant and gave birth, he just sort of came out like that. I have no idea why. I even got a DNA test and everything." Inuart calmly stated. Caim was shocked, but also relieved. He believed that Furiae had truly moved on from wanting fucked up potato babies.
"Well, Angelus, I guess the problem solved itself before I could solve it." Caim looked at her and said. "I won't have to move out… for now." Angelus sighed, and wondered why he didn't even consider moving out. It would have solved this problem far earlier. But, Poland is as Poland does. Truly, the most depressing realm in all of Europe. Even more than Russia, and that's saying something, although you could argue that since Russia spans beyond Europe, that isn't the case. 2B was just looking on, no, we haven't forgotten about her. Dark Devola appeared, deciding to finish Nier off herself, but when she saw the Perc 3 Million, she instantly reverted to normal, with a Minecraft pop sound effect. "THE PERC! DON'T WORRY, MAMA'S HERE!" Devola cried out as she hugged it tightly. Zero figured this must have been the owner of the Perc 3 Million. Despite Nier and Kainé's warnings, Zero walked up to Devola and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Hey, are you the owner of this… thing?" Zero said, with thinly veiled fury. She was just about ready to explode.
"Mhm! It's my little baby! The greatest thing in all of existence, the Perc 3 Million! Isn't she a beaut?" Devola spoke, cheerfully. A wicked smile crept up Zero's lips as she realized that this was indeed who she was looking for.
"Hey, you want some weed?" Devola asked Zero.
"Oh, no. But I want something else." said Zero, as she began to crack her knuckles and grin malevolently.
"Sure, you want some crack?" Devola questioned Zero again.
"I want to make sure you understand exactly what I think of your fucking Perc." said Zero, hatred burning in her eye.
"...You really want a second eyepatch, cyclops?" Devola spoke, calmly, yet threateningly, as the cheerful expression on her face faded into an emotionless one.
"That's more like it. I want to teach you a lesson, shithead. One you'll never forget." hissed Zero.
The second Zero attempted to punch Devola, Devola grabbed her fist and crushed it with inhuman strength. It was like someone crushing a styrofoam cup, which may or may not have been filled with lean. Zero simply resorted to using nature's own sword, her teeth, and bit down hard on Devola's finger. Devola did not react to this, and simply swatted Zero away.
"Holy fuck, how thick is your plot armor…?" Zero stammered, trying to get back on her feet.
"This thick." She gestured with her hands to show how. It was at least 5 inches. Wait, no, 7. No, no, definitely 9.
Zero pulled out her final, and ultimate attack, a rubber band flung squarely at Devola's forehead. The attack made Devola collapse instantly, such was the force of this honestly kind of shitty rubber band that was losing its elasticity.
Suddenly, Popola appeared and healed her sister and Zero's injuries using secret government technology that is still classified. Knowing is dangerous. Zero even got her right eye and left arm back. It was truly a Christmas miracle, even though it was the middle of June.
"...I'll just go home and pretend as if nothing happened." said Zero. She had truly given up on this pitiful existence and just wanted to get back to her son.
"So, Kainé, can we do that when we get home?" asked Nier. Kainé kicked him the balls, which he honestly expected. "...You know, with you on top this time…" He weakly muttered. Kainé kicked him in the balls again. She was kind of predictable like that. The Terrainfucker 4X4 was returned to Nier, Sr., who was surprised that it looked pretty good given that it was taken as far as Poland of all places, a long way away from their home in the Florida Panhandle.
One day, as Nier went on his daily stroll through the storm drains, he was attacked by Nowe who for some reason was shirtless on a motorcycle with a lead pipe in hand. He was wearing a baseball cap that said "Please be patient, I have autism" which came flying off as he crashed the bike.
"In the protagonist life, there are no KOs. I'll tell you what, Nier. To me, a sequel or two don't mean shit. Having my game declared non-canon? Couldn't give a fuck. As long as I had sales, I'll keep coming back for more. Which is why you… a remake-haver is the one thing I can't stand. NOW DIE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" monologued Nowe as he hit the crouching Nier with a steel pipe and Pledge of Demon started playing, just like in my Japanese animes!
However, Nier changed the music to Rules of Nature and defeated Nowe with only one punch. Really, only the first note played, so saying it played at all was rather generous.
"Is this… the end…?" Nowe stuttered, beaten to shit with two black eyes and most of his teeth missing. However, Eris took him back to Poland and fed him Flintstones gummy vitamins and those weird chocolate nutrient drinks or whatever the fuck it is those kids drank when I was in elementary school or some shit that I never got to drink. THANKS, MOM!
Nier returned to Kainé, Zero became a florist, Caim and Angelus continued their relationship, Manah was no longer Bri'ish, Nier, Sr. successfully wrestled yet another alligator, 2B continued talking to that weird hobo down the street, and all was good in the hood.
THE END
Oh right, we needed to mention Perc 100 times. Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc Perc-
"IF I HEAR THE WORD "PERC" JUST ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN HORRIBLE FUCKING AGONY!" Zero threatened, with patent, seething rage in her voice.
…
"Much better. Now, close out this goddamn story or I'll never get to rest. Fuck me, this was absolute trash…" Zero muttered, now aware of the fact that she was in a horrendous crackfic.
- the [E]nd of the percocet sphere -