This is just a funny crack fic sequel to Hearts of Gold. You do not have to have read that fic to enjoy this, if you just want to read a ridiculous story about wedding hijinks. XD
(Also, apparently, La Squadra is also still alive in this AU as well, because I wanted them in here XD)
Thanks to my brother for helping me plot this!
The Wedding OVA
A JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Fanfic
It's Bucciarati's wedding day. What could possible go wrong?
Abbacchio checked his watch as he grabbed a drink of much-needed coffee. Time was quickly running out. Mista was talking on the phone, probably about the limo. At least he was in his suit though, which is more than could be said for the groom.
"Where is Bucciarati anyway?" Mista asked as he looked up from the call.
Abbacchio took another long drink of coffee. "I'm gonna go check on him right now. Go see where Giorno is too."
Mista nodded and Abbacchio hurried upstairs toward Bruno's room.
He knocked, receiving only something akin to a weak moan in return. Frowning, Abbacchio pushed open the door, stepping inside.
"Bruno?"
The suit coat was still laying out on the bed, and the bathroom door was cracked open through which Abbacchio could clearly hear the sounds of vomiting.
He cringed, steeling himself as he strode forward, pushing the door open.
He found Bruno doubled over in front of the toilet, throwing up breakfast. Abbacchio swiftly rescued his hair and grabbed Bruno's shoulder to keep him upright.
"Hey, are you good?" he demanded.
Bruno groaned and slumped backward, wiping his mouth as he flushed the toilet. "This is all so much. My nerves are getting the better of me. What if this is a mistake? What if I'm not good enough…"
Abbacchio hauled him to his feet and gripped his shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Bruno, you're fine, I promise. You and Maria are perfect together, so stop doubting yourself."
"Thank you, Leone, but my stomach is not agreeing with that sentiment," Bruno said, clutching his middle, face still a little pale and green.
Abbacchio ushered him out of the bathroom, and grabbed the white suitcoat. "This is going to be the happiest day of your life, I promise, but you do have to get dressed first."
"Yes, of course," Bruno said, reaching to grab some cufflinks for his sleeves, before he wavered slightly, clapping a hand over his mouth. "Only…just a couple more minutes…"
He rushed back into the bathroom to the sounds of retching and Abbacchio sighed wearily.
"Okay, try to get that out. I'll be right back."
He left the room, nearly running into Trish who was carrying a bouquet probably from Giorno, toward Maria's room.
"How is he?" she asked worriedly.
Abbacchio sighed. "He'll be fine. What about Maria?"
Trish smiled. "A little nervous, but excited."
"Well, at least she's not throwing her guts up." He checked his watch again. "I'm going to get the boys to go get things ready at the venue."
Trish nodded. "Okay! I'm going with them. Maria is all ready!" She hurried back to Maria briefly as Abbacchio continued down the hall to Giorno's room where he could hear him talking with Mista.
He knocked and popped his head in, seeing that at least the kid was just finishing getting into his new tux, Mista helping him tie the tie properly.
"Hey, Bruno might be a little bit longer, so I want the rest of you to go help Fugo and Narancia get stuff ready."
"Sure thing," Mista said, finishing up with Giorno's tie.
"Please make sure it's all ready by the time Maria gets there," Abbacchio growled. "The guests are going to start arriving in about an hour, and there's still a lot to do."
"Don't worry, Gold Experience will be taking care of most of the decorations," Giorno said. "I strung wires all around the place yesterday so that I can turn them all into flowers. It won't take long at all."
"Well, just get it done," Abbacchio grunted as Trish came in.
"Are you ready yet? We need to go!" she said.
"We're coming!" Mista promised and they hurried out.
Abbacchio took a deep breath and headed back to see if Bruno was finally done throwing up yet.
The venue was huge. A capo's wedding was obviously a big affaire, and on top of that, Bucciarati was very popular with the city and had decided to invite anyone who paid protection to them in addition to the other members of Passione.
"This place is a disaster! How the hell are we supposed to clean it up in time?" Fugo was shouting as they came in.
"It's not a disaster," Narancia protested. "I keep telling you that!"
Fugo's hand shot out, pointing toward a vase with wires sticking out of it sitting on a table. "There is literal trash sitting right there where the reception book will go!"
"Oh," Giorno commented and summoned Gold Experience who instantly turned the pile in a bouquet of fresh flowers. "All the trash around here is just to remind me of where we wanted flowers. Gold is just going to turn all of it so they'll be fresh. It was easier to string wire than actual flowers."
"Well, get to it," Fugo snapped. "We have less than an hour before the guests start arriving, and everything needs to look perfect!"
Narancia and Mista shared a look. "Didn't think Fugo would be the bridezilla," Mista muttered.
"It's all fine, Fugo," Trish promised, trying to get him to calm down. "Let's start getting all the signs up." She turned around to Giorno and Mista. "There's some stuff in the trunk of the car, can you go get it?"
They nodded and returned to the car, pulling stuff out of the back.
"Hey, Giorno, forgot to ask if you had the ring," Mista said with a grin. "After all, that's the most important part."
"Of course," Giorno replied. "I have it right in my pocket…" He touched his pocket and…didn't feel the box. He reached into the other breast pocket and it wasn't there either. He reached into both of his trouser pockets.
No ring.
He felt the blood drain from his face.
Mista watched him with wide eyes. "Giorno. You do have the ring. Right?"
"I…" Giorno croaked. He turned out every pocket, took his jacket off, turned it inside out, shook it. Nothing.
He and Mista wrenched open the doors of the car, scrambling around, looking under and between the seats to see if it had fallen out, but it seemed to be nowhere.
"What is taking you so long?!" Trish demanded and they looked up sharply to see her standing there with her hands on her hips. Then her eyes suddenly turned suspicious. "Wait…what are you looking for?"
"Nothing!" Mista instantly said, leaning against the roof of the car with a grin. Trish glowered.
Giorno wet his lips, deciding it was better to fess up. "I, um…I think I lost the ring."
"You what?!" Trish shrieked. "That belonged to Bucciarati's grandmother! He pulled it out of storage specially for Maria, got it refitted—"
"I know," Giorno said, feeling terrible. "I know I had it yesterday, but I don't know where it is now."
Another bout of furious shouting sounded from inside the building and Trish pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "Okay, just…let's not tell Fugo, he's already having some kind of mental breakdown."
"We're gonna go see if we can find it back at the house," Mista said quickly.
"Okay, but you need to tell Abbacchio—don't bother Bucciarati with this!" Trish said.
"Are you insane?" Mista demanded. "Abbacchio will actually kill Giorno if he finds out."
"Fine, whatever, just find it!" Trish cried, shoving them back toward the car, before grabbing the stuff she had needed from the back.
Mista drove them back as quickly as possible and they piled out of the car, running toward the house.
"Do you have any idea where you might have left it?" Mista asked.
Giorno thought about the events of the past couple days. "All I remember is putting it in my pocket… I just don't really remember taking it out though…oh!"
"What?" Mista demanded, skidding to a halt.
"Well, yesterday, right after Bucciarati gave me the ring was when Trish found out I was planning on wearing my usual black suit for the wedding and had a conniption. I went to the tailor after that. Do you think it might have been left there?"
Mista grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back toward the car. "We better hope it is, because that means Abbacchio doesn't have to find out."
They drove to the tailor, only to find it was closed.
"Aw, come on!" Mista shouted.
"Don't worry, we'll just break in," Giorno told him nonchalantly.
"What?" Mista demanded.
"I'm the Don," Giorno shrugged. "If we damage anything I'll pay for it, but I can pick the lock without anyone knowing."
Mista watched as he did just that and then they scoured the shop, looking for any sign of the missing ring.
"Okay, Sex Pistols," Mista said and his Stand appeared. "You know what to do. Help us out, okay? If you do, I'll make sure you get some cake later."
"Yay! Come on boys!" the Pistols said excitedly and dispersed around the shop, helping in the search.
However, after Giorno, Mista, and the Pistols had scoured the entire shop top to bottom, even the safe where the owner might have put the ring if he had come across it, there was still no sign of it.
"Okay, back to plan a," Mista said, glancing at his watch. "Gah, the guests are probably arriving by now. Abba will be pissed if he gets there and we're gone."
They rushed back to the house and snuck inside like criminals.
"Okay, Pistols," Mista whispered. "Go look for the ring, but be quiet about it."
They saluted and hurried off through the house. Giorno and Mista hurried back up to Giorno's room, starting to search through everything on his dresser, and in his closet.
"Let's check under the bed," Mista suggested and they crouched down, both peeking under there.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Giorno bumped his head as he pulled back, Abbacchio's sudden appearance terrifying him.
"Um…nothing?" Mista tried as the Pistols hovered around his head, frozen.
"You're supposed to be at the venue, why are you skulking around under Giorno's bed?"
Unfortunately, Number 5 wavered under Abbacchio's glower, nearly in tears. "Giorno lost Bucciarati's ring!"
"You what?!" Abbacchio demanded.
"I didn't lose it, I just…don't exactly know where it is," Giorno said in defeat, slumping on the floor.
Abbacchio reached down and hauled him to his feet by the front of his coat, his voice dark and dangerously calm. "All right. Mista, get back to the venue and help the others with the guests. Giorno." The blond glanced up at him, looking like he was going to be executed. Abbacchio's eye twitched. "We're going to find the ring."
Giorno swallowed and nodded.
Mista beat a hasty retreat, casting a pitying look back at Giorno.
"Right then," Abbacchio said darkly as he summoned Moody Blues. "When do you last remember having it?"
There were already so many guests coming in and Narancia was starting to get nervous. Where were the others?
He glanced over his shoulder to look for Trish and Fugo, but Fugo was currently having a conniption about the cake that had just been brought in while Trish was trying to calm him down. Not going to get any help from that quarter. He really hoped Mista and Giorno would be back soon.
He glanced back toward the next guests and staggered back a little.
"Ri-Risotto," he stuttered. "Um…what are you doing here?"
He glanced behind the huge man to see the rest of La Squadra as well.
"Free booze," Formaggio said before Prosciutto kicked him hard in the shin.
"We came to pay our respects to Bucciarati on his wedding day," Risotto said with something that looked like an attempted smile. "We were invited."
"Oh, okay, I guess that's fine then," Narancia said, seeing they were in fact on the guest list. He didn't know how he had missed that before. "You can sit right over there."
"Thank you," Risotto said after signing the guest book. He glanced over his shoulder at the others with something like a warning look. "And I promise that my men will behave."
Narancia breathed a sigh as they left to sit down and finally Mista showed up, rushing over to his side.
"Mista! Where have you been? There's so many guests!" Narancia complained.
"We just had a little snafu, and then I had to walk half the way here—but that's not important… everything should be fine now," Mista said with a grin that did not bode for the best. Narancia wanted to ask what had happened, but more guests were arriving, and he and Mista were busy getting them to sign the book and finding them seats.
As more and more guests arrived and the seats started to fill up, Narancia began to get increasingly nervous.
"Where are they?" he hissed to Mista.
Mista glanced down at his watch. "I don't know. The limos should be there soon. But it looks like we've marked off all of the guests.
There was a low murmur of voices starting to fill the room, everyone looking around as if they too were wondering what was going on.
"I'm gonna call Abbacchio," Narancia said, pulling out his phone.
He dialed the number.
"What?" the voice snapped over the line.
"Um, where are you guys? All the guests are here."
Abbacchio growled. "Thanks to Giorno, we're scouring the house for the ring he was supposed to be taking care of."
Narancia's eyes widened. "Wait, he lost the ring?"
Mista waved his hands warningly as several guests glanced in their direction and Fugo also looked up like a wolf ready for the kill.
"Don't rub it in!" Abbacchio snarled.
"Oh…um…okay, then what do you want us to do about the guests, because they're getting kind of restless. Oh, and La Squadra showed up too, so…"
"I don't care, distract them if you want," Abbacchio snapped. "I can't take care of everything!"
The call ended and Narancia slid the phone back into his pocket, turning to Mista.
"Well, it sounds like they might be a while. Abbacchio said to distract them."
Mista thought for a second before he grinned. "Well, you know what that means."
"What?" Narancia asked.
Mista wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leading him up to the front of the room. "Time to practice my comedy routine!"
Abbacchio could not believe this was happening. Bruno was still fighting a losing battle with his breakfast, the golden brat had lost the ring, and the limos would be pulling into the driveway any second.
And what was he doing? He was following the Moody Blues replay of Giorno around the house, seeing just how much the kid doddled all the time, just to try and figure out where the hell he had misplaced the ring.
"And you and Mista already thoroughly checked the tailor's?" Abbacchio asked.
"Yes, we looked everywhere. I'm sure it's in this house somewhere," Giorno insisted.
Abbacchio growled. He would believe it when he saw it.
They were currently following Moody Blues around Giorno's room when Giorno suddenly gasped.
"Wait!" he cried, rushing toward the closet. "I just remembered! I had this other suit on when I went to the tailor's yesterday. I don't think I ever took the ring out of this pocket."
He grabbed his usual suit out of the closet and reached into the pocket, relief flooding his face as he pulled out the small box, opening it to find the ring inside, showing it to Abbacchio.
Abbacchio stared at him blankly, eye twitching even more.
"You're telling me it was in there this whole time?" he asked darkly.
Giorno bit his lip. "At least we found it…?" he said quietly.
Abbacchio clenched his fists and fought the very strong urge to throttle the teen.
He opened his mouth, inhaling to at least yell at him, when he heard a car horn from outside.
"The limos are here," he said with a huff, grabbing Giorno by the shoulder. "Put that in your pocket now. Actually, better yet, put it on your finger. Just do not lose it again. I'm gonna go get Bruno."
Giorno nodded.
Abbacchio rushed down the hall toward Bruno's room. He found the man still slumped against the toilet, looking up at him mournfully as Abbacchio stormed in.
"All right, you gotta get up, it's time to go," Abbacchio told him firmly, grabbing Bruno under the arms and heaving him upright. He pushed him out to the room, fixed his hair, swiftly tied his tie, shoved his arms into his coat and hurried him down the stairs.
Giorno was waiting in the foyer, and Abbacchio grabbed his shoulder on the way out the door, hauling both of them toward the first limo.
He yanked the door open, pushing Giorno inside and then shoving Bruno in after him, giving him a swift pat on the shoulder.
"You're gonna do great," he said, then reached into his pocket and slung a pack of breath mints in after him before slamming the door and motioning to the driver.
He took a brief moment to breathe before he returned to the house. One last thing to do now. All he had to do was get Maria to the venue and get this wedding underway.
"Giorno still isn't here, and there's trash all over the room!" Fugo shouted, flailing. "And that cake is not going to feed everyone! It's insane!"
"Fugo, calm down," Trish growled, starting to get frustrated. "Giorno will be here, and the cake doesn't have to feed everyone, just the bridal party. There's going to be a full buffet, and dessert bar, not everyone has to have bloody cake!"
"This is all going to be a disaster!" Fugo gasped dramatically.
Trish rolled her eyes and left Fugo in the closet to rant, slowly closing the door, too annoyed to listen to him anymore.
It wasn't better out in the main room because for some reason she found, to her horror, that Mista and Narancia were performing some kind of comedy routine for a very confused audience.
"And that's why I never eat chocolate pudding at funerals," Mista was saying while Narancia did some kind of physical interpretation. Trish grabbed him and yanked him to one side.
"Ow, what the heck?" Narancia demanded.
"Are you kidding me? What is even going on here?" Trish demanded.
"Abbacchio said they were gonna be late so we had to distract the guests."
"Why didn't you just get the musicians?" Trish hissed, pointing to the very confused string quartet sitting off to one side, looking like they were questioning if they had ended up in a difference universe entirely.
"Hey, it was Mista's idea, not mine," Narancia snapped.
"So where are they? Did they find the ring yet?" Trish demanded.
"I don't know!"
Something caught Trish's eye outside and she gasped. "Narancia! You didn't let all the guests in!"
"What? I did too! Everyone on the list is here."
"Then why are all those women out there?" Trish demanded.
"Oh…" Narancia said, paling slightly. "Those are, er…Bucciarati's fangirls."
"What?"
"All the bachelorettes of the city. They, um…they're probably not very happy that he's getting married. They might even be rioting."
Trish felt her blood boil. "Well, they're just going to have to deal with it. Stay here, Narancia. I'll go get rid of them before Maria gets here."
Abbacchio was not prepared for the scene that greeted him as the limo carrying him and Maria pulled up to the venue. The way it was supposed to go was Bruno was already supposed to be standing at the altar, Trish was supposed to be waiting at the back to meet them as the maid of honor, and Abbacchio was supposed to walk Maria down the aisle as promised.
That was not what happened, because the scene he came across looked like some kind of political protest in a dictator run country.
The limo Bruno and Giorno were in was currently being surrounded by a mob of women, some young—some not so young—and the only thing that seemed to be keeping them from getting into the car, and tearing Bucciarati apart were the brave driver and Trish who appeared to have created some kind of barrier with Spice Girl.
"What's going on?" Maria asked, horrified as she glanced out the window.
Abbacchio grabbed her veil and used it to cover her face. "Keep your head down, and do not get out of the car."
He stepped out and started to stomp over to the mob, bellowing at the women. "Hey! Leave!"
"Abbacchio!" Trish shouted gratefully before she was nearly engulphed by the mob.
Abbacchio waded into the fray, feeling hands tear at his suit and hair before he finally got to Trish and shielded her with his body. "I said, get out of here!" he shouted.
That somehow seemed to do the trick and the women retreated, some weeping, others probably plotting revenge, but Abbacchio didn't have time to worry about that right now.
Instead, he gently pushed Trish aside as she started to fuss over his suit and opened the door to the car, freeing Giorno and Bruno.
"What's going on in there?" Abbacchio grunted.
"You have to stop it," Trish pleaded. "I had to shove Fugo into the broom closet to calm down, but what's worse is that Mista and Narancia are doing some kind of comedy routine…"
Abbacchio closed his eyes. "Wonderful." He grabbed Giorno and Bruno, leading them into the building through the back door, a hand on each of their shoulders, stomping purposefully the whole way. All the time, Trish followed him, trying her best to fix his disheveled suit and hair, applying concealer to the scratches on his cheek.
Abbacchio ushered Bruno and Giorno up to the altar.
"And I said…well, a banana is in fact a—"
Abbacchio snatched the microphone from Mista and jerked his finger toward the spot he and Narancia were supposed to be standing.
He stomped back and yanked the fussing Fugo out of the broom closet, shoving him over toward Mista and Narancia and then stomped back outside to get Maria.
He helped her out of the car, led her to the main doors. Trish stopped him before they entered to fix his tie.
Up at the altar, Mista elbowed Giorno and pointed up to the wires still hanging around the room.
"Ah," he said, and summoned Gold Experience.
Flowers popped to life, all around the room, and at the same moment, the music started to play.
Abbacchio took a deep breath and Maria took his arm as he walked her down the aisle.
It was a beautiful ceremony despite everything. The bride and groom both looked heavenly, and were obviously so in love that they didn't care about any of the other things. Abbacchio stood at Bruno's shoulder, making sure the rings were both delivered properly and then couldn't help a small smile when they finally got to the kiss.
After the ceremony, they moved to the large dining area where lunch and cake were served.
As well as way too much booze.
Finally, Bruno stood, gaining everyone's attention.
"I just want to thank all of you for coming here today. It is truly an honor to get to celebrate this day with all of you."
Mista elbowed Abbacchio as Bruno sat back down, and Abbacchio froze, swallowing nervously. He glanced at the glass of wine sitting in front of him, wishing he could just drink it all, but forced himself to stand up instead, taking the microphone.
"I'm not good with words," he started. "Especially when so many other people are listening," he added more quietly. "But I still want to say that I am glad that Bruno Bucciarati was able to find someone he loves so much, and I wish you all the best." He reached into his coat and pulled out an envelope. "And this is everything I really want to say, which you are not allowed to read here."
Bruno and Maria smiled up at him as he sat back down, flaming with embarrassment when Bruno squeezed his shoulder, as he passed the microphone on to Mista and the others who all said their piece.
Mista then passed the microphone to the next table when the wedding party was all done.
"If anyone else wants to say anything, go ahead," he invited.
Risotto said a few words, as did Prosciutto. The microphone was snatched instantly by a very excited looking Melone.
However, the instant, he opened his mouth, inhaling to speak, he doubled over, hacking up razor blades as Prosciutto grabbed the microphone instantly.
Maria looked horrified, as did most of the other guests.
"My apologies," Risotto said, handing Melone a handkerchief.
After dinner was the dancing, and unfortunately, Melone had to be stopped again, when he got too handsy with too many of the ladies.
"I just asked what their blood type and star sign were!" Melone protested as Prosciutto dragged him away by the ear.
"Hey!" Fugo suddenly shouted, launching himself across the room with Narancia as they rushed toward Formaggio who they caught sneaking off with a bottle of wine from the refreshment table.
"Are you stealing that?" Fugo snapped.
"I am not!" Formaggio protested, stepping backwards. Only to trip over a chair and go sprawling, causing countless tiny, shrunken bottles of liquor to go everywhere, rolling across the floor.
Fugo and Narancia looked like they were going to start kicking him, when Abbacchio glanced over from where he was currently dancing with Trish to her insistence.
"Enough!"
Risotto also pushed his way through. "Formaggio! That is a terrible way to treat someone's hospitality! For that, you're staying to help clean everything up."
Formaggio hung his head as Fugo and Narancia glowered at him.
The guests finally began to disperse as Mista started round two of his comedy routine once the dancing wound down.
Bruno and Maria were still holding hands and gazing fondly at each other. Abbacchio thought it was time to get them out of there.
"Thank you so much to everyone," Bruno told them, glancing around between them, ending up on Narancia and Fugo who were overseeing a humbled Formaggio and Melone who were currently sweeping the floor. "This was such a wonderful day."
"It really was," Maria agreed.
Abbacchio sighed and managed a smile. "I'm glad. Are you two off then?"
Bruno nodded. "Yes. We have a car waiting with all our luggage. We're just going to go home and change first."
"Don't think you have to come back any time soon," Abbacchio reminded. "We've got it handled here…" he glanced around. "I think."
Bruno laughed. "You'll all do fine. Good night, and thank you again."
Abbacchio nodded to them as he watched them leave.
Mista came up to him with a frown. "Man, no one wanted to stay and listen to my stand up. Guess I could work on it a little more."
"No," Trish said blandly.
"Hey, um, what car was Bucciarati planning on taking?" Mista asked suddenly.
"The Alpha, I think," Abbacchio replied before he narrowed his eyes at Mista. "Why?"
Mista bit his lip and without answering, starting hurrying toward the door.
"Mista!" Abbacchio growled, rushing after him.
If he ever got married, he was definitely going to have a small wedding.