"heyy, Lilyflower. What're you doing?"

"Yes, you can sit here, thank you for asking."

"You didn't answer my question, and quit emphasising words. It's annoying."

"I'm working on something."

"While viciously stabbing your dinner with what looks to be quite an expensive fork?"

"I'm imagining my chips to be your head, and it's really not that strange to eat while you study. "

"Should you warn it?"

"Excuse me?"

"The chip. It isn't murder if you warn the victim beforehand."

"no, it's a threat."

"I told you not to emphasise words."

"And why would I want to listen to you?"

"Because you've been writing sideways for the past five minutes and I'm the only one brave enough to tell you."

"…Pass me another piece of paper."

"I'm sorry, was that a request or a comm-"

"Oh, it was quite the command."

"Well, I don't feel inclined to listen to you."

"Pass me another piece of paper before I impale this expensive fork into your head."

"I tell her not to, but she still emphasises-"

"NOW."

"Of course."

-x-

"prongs?"

"yes, scum of the earth?"

"…are you still mad at me for telling Lily about the whole stalking-her-until-she-falls-in-love-with-you plan? She only yelled at you for like an hour."

"It was three and twenty-eight minutes, Sirius. And obviously I am."

"so you didn't give up on stalking her, huh? I bet you could tell me the time down to the microsecond."

"again sirius, your penchant for ignoring the obvious astounds me. NO-ONE could tell you the time down to the microsecond."

"you sound like snivellus when you talk like that. Do you really want to go from stag to greasy slimeball?"

"… it was fifty-seven microseconds."

"mate, I'm starting to worry about you."

"just ask what you were going to before."

"why are you eating fish and chips?"

"is it that strange?"

"for you, it is. You hate chips, remember?"

"they remind me of lily."

"soo, you're saying lily's fatty."

"no."

"not good for you?"

"you're really bad at guessing. I saw her mutilate some and now I'm strangely in a chips mood."

"no you're not."

"okay, so maybe she asked why I was annoying her about the whole food-murdering thing when I didn't like what she was eating anyway, and I told her that I actually really loved fish and chips and she should get her facts right to see that look of surprise on her face, and now I have to eat them with a look of complete enjoyment on my face for the rest of my life, but it's still pretty close to what I said before."

"moony would probably die of shock if he heard that run-on sentence."

"yeah, but he's not here, so everything's fine."

"I'm dying too! Just because of a different reason."

"which is?"

"barely concealed laughter. Look at me Prongs, I think I'm going purple."

"no, you were purple when Lily was halfway through her dinner. Right now, you're definitely blue."

"Prongs, you should really be more concerned about this."

"What, your imminent death? I don't really value you as a person, so it's fine."

"not that. Do you remember why you don't like chips?"

"I guess I can take a bite and find out."

"PRONGS, YOU IDIOT! DOES ANYONE HAVE AN EPIPEN? MY BEST MATE'S DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO POTATOES!"

"you do realise I didn't actually take a bite, Padfoot?"

"oh."

"and that we live in a world of magic where literally no-one has an EpiPen?"

"oh."

"and that Lily's now coming towards me with a raised fork and a murderous expression on her face?"

"Oh. I've just remembered, I have to feed my Niffler. Bye!"

"...are you really that afraid of me?"

"no, but I really don't think my eardrums can withstand another fight between you and Lily."

"I –"

"WHAT THE HELL, POTTER?"

"Fair enough."