A/N: An idea for another of the fake commercials and shows inserted throughout the 1987 movie "Robocop".

Idea Captioning for the Thinking Impaired

On the television screen, a wholesome family of four sat around their television; mom and dad were on the couch, a daughter of about eleven was sitting in an easy chair, and a son about five was sitting on the floor cross-legged. Everything was frozen, including the image on the television screen. Behind them, a man in a nice suite walked out from the side and into the foreground of the image as he addressed the camera.

"How many times has this happened to you?" he asked.

The scene switched to the family, which was now unfrozen and watching the television. A show was playing, and the father held out a remote control and paused the program. "Why does Margie have to hook up with Bill, anyway? He's out of work, a drunk, and worst of all he's from California," he asked. His wife tried to hurriedly explain while the kids complained about the stoppage of the program.

The man in the suit came back. "Or this"

The family was watching the show again. A male character on the screen chased after a woman in a swimsuit. "Dad, why does that man have to act so silly around every woman?" The daughter rolled her eyes, the antithesis of empathy.

"What about this?"

Now the screen was showing a middle-aged mother talking to her teen daughter. "You know, Joyce, when I was your age I...well...didn't always feel fresh. When that special time comes each month..." it went on while the family's mother held her hands over the ears of the son.

"Or possibly even this?"

A politician was on the screen giving a speech. "And I propose to launch an investigation into the matter of my staff may or may not have acted inappropriately. Let me quite clear, and I don't mean to equivocate or prevaricate to avoid this unpleasant task which I will leave to a trusted independent third-party that I will handpick to launch the inquiry into this serious possible but not proven breach of the trust of the people who voted for me in the last election just recently completed." The family stared at each other with puzzled looks on their faces.

The man with the suit was back now. "You don't have to worry about that anymore. Thanks to recent advances in the electronic field by OCP, television broadcasts can and will now carry additional information about the very show you're watching. With just a click of a button, a window will open on the bottom of your screen and display relevant, more detailed information about what you are watching. We call it - IDEA CAPTIONING FOR THE THINKING IMPAIRED." The last part of the audio was recorded with echo effects for added emphasis.

"That's right. Sometimes, a viewer might not have all the information to enjoy the show they are watching. Through no fault of their own, the viewer might not be aware of character backgrounds, the meanings of some words, nuanced expressions, historical precedents, or even scientific facts. These shortcomings can be caused by not consuming enough TV time, ignorance, stupidity, previous injury to the head, drugs, or not enough TV time. No need to be embarrassed now! See how life can be improved with IDEA CAPTIONING FOR THE THINKING IMPAIRED for any compatible television set. Just watch..."

The image returned to the family watching the television again - except now there was a small black box sitting beside the screen. The picture zoomed in to the show in progress. On the screen, Margie was flirting with Bill. In a section below the picture, text appeared with "Margie is in severe debt, while Bill is heir to his family's cardboard box empire. He doesn't know that his doctor who is Margie's brother has only given him six months to live."

"Wasn't that better? Why struggle to think and remember important character backstory when IDEA CAPTIONING FOR THE THINKING IMPAIRED can take care of it for you. Now watch this!"

A man was chasing a woman in a swimsuit across the screen. The box on the bottom read "Hank can't keep it in his pants when he's around anything without a Y chromosome."

"And with our customizable settings, you can find explanations suitable for the whole family."

The same scene replayed, but this time the captioning read "Hank enjoys playing games with girls even if they have cooties." The mother smiled as her young son nodded in understanding.

"And now let's take another look at this scene..."

The feminine product commercial was on again, with the mother and daughter talking with knowing smiles. The captioning gave a very graphic description of menstrual cycles and flows while the son's eyes were now hastily covered by his mother. The daughter had a look of great distress while she exclaimed "Gross! Mom, when were you going to tell me about this?" Even the father looked a little nauseated.

"And at last, with IDEA CAPTIONING FOR THE THINKING IMPAIRED you can finally decipher just what politicians are saying."

The politician was giving his speech again, droning on into the microphone in front of a crowd of bored reporters. Underneath, the captioning displayed "You just voted me in, and now I will give you nothing but truth. Nothing illegal or immoral will be found. Ever. You can trust me."

"And it also works with other creeds besides politics..."

A televangelist was shouting on the screen about a special offer on miracle water and the importance of giving in order to receive. The captioning below simply read "Pay me or go to Hell."

The image of the televangelist was replaced by that of the announcer. "Now everybody can be on the same page with IDEA CAPTIONING FOR THE THINKING IMPAIRED. Nobody gets left behind as we all can have the same information, think the same thoughts and come to the same conclusion - leading to world peace and greater progress. Now how much would you pay for this? That's the catch - it's free! Brought to you by your great federal and state governments; be ahead of the curve before it's mandated in every home. Order now!"

The announcer disappeared and the screen showed a frozen picture of the family once again, all happy and staring at the television. Meanwhile, the scene was overlaid with a lot of fine print:

Idea Captioning for the Thinking Impaired (ICTI) is another fine product of Omni Consumer Products. May require the purchase of an OCP television if you don't already own one. Limit one per household unless you've got more than one operating television. If not completely satisfied, return your ICTI and get an identical box as a replacement. It might even be the same box. Attempts to disconnect your ICTI after installation punishable by imprisonment or death.

Meanwhile, the caption box below started to display "It's a deliberate attempt to control your..." before the box was filled with faces of shiny, happy people all giving the thumbs up.

The End

A/N: I was talking with my secretary and explained something she hadn't heard of before. I made a joke about needing "Idea captioning for the thinking impaired" when I had a hard time putting it into different words, and then liked the sound of it so much I wrote it down. Later I got an even more sinister idea how to use it...