I've got no control, a red queen, victoria aveyard fanfic

WC: 2770

o . o . o

I've got no control

I return to the little safehouse to find a pensive Cal, turning a little ball of flames over and over in his hands, molding the flames to different shapes at will. Despite the worry that still weighs down his shoulders, the fear that darkened his features only an hour ago is gone now, and it sparks a little bit of happiness inside me. He looks so young like this. It's easy to forget, most of the time, that Cal is only nineteen. So much of the time, my brain and my heart are fighting between calling Cal a murderer and holding onto him like a life vest, I forget that, like me, he is still a teenager. I feel so much older than that. Is it possible to age twenty years in two months? I'm sure Cal feels the same.

"He told you not to trust me, didn't he?" Cal says, turning to me with a sad sort of smile as he drops the little ball of flame into the makeshift fire pit.

Anger and annoyance bristles inside me for a moment. He shouldn't have been eavesdropping. The thought must be easy to read on my features, because Cal's eyes widen and he suddenly looks eager to explain.

"I went outside, just to ask if you wanted something to eat - I figured I could warm up some of the rations," he says, eyes full of innocence. "I saw you two talking, so I came back in. I didn't listen, I swear on my colors."

I don't bother to point out how meaningless the oath is now - Cal has no true colors. His House has turned its back on him, cast him out. He knows it as well as I do, and I don't miss the small wince that flickers across his features when he realizes the words that came out of his mouth.

"It's easy to guess though," he continues, shrugging and trying to seem nonchalant. "I know how he feels about you."

I want to roll my eyes at the stupidity of teenage romance in the middle of a war, but I don't. I know how much love can affect our actions - our decisions - and I know that it is anything but stupid. I won't try to deny it to Cal either. An hour ago, I might have. I've been denying Kilorn's feelings to myself for long enough, it was nothing to deny it to others too. But after the conversation we'd just had… it's something I don't have to lie to Cal about. He already knows, he's seen it with his own eyes. Why bother pretending?

"He's just trying to look out for me," I say. A half-truth. "He doesn't want me to get hurt." Again.

"Mare, I won't - "

"Cal, do me a favor, okay?" I cut him off, because I can't bear to hear him say that he won't hurt me. I don't want to have the memory of that lie when he eventually does. And I know that he believes that it's true, but he doesn't see how this ends yet. I do. We're going to get our hearts torn to shreds, one way or another. "Don't make me promises you can't keep."

Cal the nineteen-year-old boy looks hurt by that. But Cal the warrior understands. He lets out a shaky breath, dragging his hands down his cheeks. I see the exhaustion in his body, and I know the exhaustion in his soul. The past week has taken a deeper toll than either of us knew was possible. I remember what he said to Farley on the jet. And when do you sleep, Cal? I don't. Not anymore.

"Cal? When was the last time you slept?" I ask him, gently placing my hand on his shoulder.

He shakes his head, and I understand what he's saying. He doesn't know. Surely not in the last four days. Cal wouldn't dare close his eyes while I was unconscious. I can picture him, staring at me with burning eyes, his hands folded beneath his chin, waiting.

"You should get some rest," I say, adding just a little bit of Mareena to my voice so that he knows he shouldn't argue with me.

But Cal looks up at me then, and I see something in his eyes that I didn't expect. Fear. Cal is completely terrified to close his eyes. I run my fingers through his black hair, pushing it back from his face, and he softens a bit at my touch.

"Nightmares?" I ask, and he nods. He looks almost ashamed to admit it, but I nod back to him, trying to let him know that it's okay. Of all people, I alone probably understand the things that haunt his dreams. I wonder if he sees Maven as the twisted, shadowy monster that I do.

"Can you… will you lay with me?" he asks, his voice so quiet that I might have missed it if I couldn't see his lips moving too.

I bite my lip, hesitant. We said no distractions, we agreed. And even though it seems like that's gone out the window now, I still don't want to go too far with it. I still need to guard my heart. And besides, the others already talk enough, they don't need confirmation that Cal has a vice grip on my heart, and I his. They could use it against us. What wouldn't I do to protect him? To save him?

"I thought the nightmares would be of my father…" Cal says quietly, his eyes burning into mine, trying to make me see so that he doesn't have to say it. But for once, I'm not sure where this is going. "When I… when he… I thought I would relive it, over and over, in my dreams. But I don't. The image, the feel of his blood is seared into my mind, but that's not what I dream about."

"What?" I hear myself ask, my voice choking on all the horrors we've witnessed together.

"I dream that we're in the Bowl of Bones again. I'm trapped in Osanos' ball of water, and I can't get out. He's slowly drowning me, but he keeps my eyes clear, like a little window." He shudders, undoubtedly remembering how it felt. "All I can do is watch as Rhambos tears you apart. Or Evangeline slices you to pieces. Slowly, painfully. You scream and I want to and…"

I reach out to him again, brushing my thumb across his cheek. There are tears in his eyes and I can see him struggling to hold them back, but these dreams must be absolutely wrecking him. All the things that Cal has seen and done - been forced to do - and his worst nightmare is not being able to save me.

"I just want to know that you're still there," he finishes simply, trying to find a little bit of strength again.

I know what he's really saying though. He needs me next to him, so he can touch me, feel that I'm next to him and alive so that he doesn't panic. If he can feel my breath, my heartbeat, maybe it'll keep the nightmares at bay.

I'm an idiot. I've been so focused on how much I need Cal - and trying not to - that I haven't bothered to notice how much he needs me.

"Okay," I say at last, reaching for his hand and pulling him toward the little cot in the corner.

He lays down first, closest to the wall and with his back toward it, and I lay down next to him. My bones still feel weary and I know that I could use some more sleep. The others aren't back yet, and til they are, I'm not sure what else I could do anyway. So I figure I might as well take my own advice and get some rest too. Cal's hand finds mine and our fingers lace together, resting on top of my stomach. I can feel the tension leave his muscles as he drifts asleep and I smile, happy that at least I can do this for him.

As I begin to doze, I curl up on my side, turning into Cal and tucking my head under his chin. His arms wrap around me instinctively, pulling me closer to him, and I don't mind. Lying like this, I can hear his heart beating in his chest, and I find it reassuring. Waves of warmth roll off him like a gentle glow, and somehow I just know that he's not having nightmares. It's not a fiery heat emanating from him, but a happier one - comfortable and affectionate. Like when he tries to soothe me. I drift off to sleep with the hope that Cal's having happy dreams.

o . o . o

The sound of a snort penetrates my deep sleep, and I blink awake slowly. I expect to see Kilorn with his jealousy and distrust, but instead I'm greeted with the sight of Shade, back from recruiting whichever newblood they were after. Carefully, I wiggle out from Cal's bear hug, and thankfully he doesn't wake. Shade walks out of the safehouse and I follow. Whether or not he likes Cal, he knows he's useful, but in order to be useful, he needs sleep.

Light is beginning to seep through the trees, still dewy and grey, so I know we were asleep for a few hours at least. Good. It seems like Shade just returned, but I don't see anyone else, which confuses me.

"Might want to be careful who sees you two like that," Shade advises, though there's a hint of teasing in his voice, and his eyes glitter with mirth.

My cheeks blush as heat rushes to them. "How many people came in?"

"Just Farley, I think," Shade shrugs. "She was chuckling when she came back out, said I should see for myself. But everyone else is back at the Blackrun."

I nod, my cheeks still flaming red. Farley must think we're ridiculous, clinging to our little romance in the middle of a rebellion. I know she trusts Cal about as far as she can throw him as well. It might seem like he's earning our trust, but Shade, Farley and I know better. Anyone can betray anyone.

"Don't worry, Farley isn't one to judge," Shade says with a hint of laughter. "There's a sort of grudging respect there. He's a useful ally, if he stays."

If he stays. Those are the words that haunt me, but I shove them aside. I'm not willing to deal with them right now. It seems that with every touch Cal and I share, no matter how innocent, I become less willing to deal with that thought.

"And you?" I ask, focusing on our conversation so I don't have to think about the hurt when Cal leaves.

"Nah, I'm not one to judge either," he teases, and I get the sense that there's something he's not telling me. We all have our secrets. But that's okay, when it comes to romance, he's welcome to keep his. It's only the Guard's secrets that I'll try to weasel out of him. "Besides, Mare, I'm your brother. Anyone with eyes can see how much he cares about you, and I want you to be happy. Isn't that the ultimate goal of this whole thing? So that we can all be happy?"

I hum in response, thinking about it. I had always thought of the outcome in terms of equality and opportunity. So that Reds wouldn't be poor, wouldn't be servants, wouldn't die. And that's a part of happiness, sure, but there's more to it than that. I had just never really considered that a war could give us that as well.

"Before all this -" Shade waves his hand around as he muses "- newbloods and revolutions and everything, I figured you and Kilorn would settle down." If we survived long enough. "And I thought that'd be good. You'd be content. But Cal is so much more. Not better than Kilorn and not because he's Silver or rich or powerful. He loves you though, and it seems pretty unconditional. Most Reds don't hope for love even in normal times, you know. Contentment and companionship, that's a pretty good outcome for us. Even fewer would dare to dream about finding love in the middle of a war."

"What's your point, Shade?" I ask, completely turned around by all of his musings. He was the one who told me not to trust anyone. I don't understand what he's trying to tell me now.

"I'm not sure if I like him, but I like how much he loves you," Shade shrugs. "So I'm happy to look the other way while you cuddle or whatever if it means you get to be happy for a while and he keeps looking out for you the way he has. But I swear, Mare, if he hurts you, Silver or not I will destroy him. I won't need to be a strongarm to rip him to pieces."

I laugh at that. It's easy to forget about war and being hunted when Shade says things like that, because it's exactly what he would have said before all this happened. It feels so normal and brotherly that it makes my heart want to burst. I hug him and he hugs me back, squeezing me tight before letting me go.

"I should go back to him," I say softly. "I don't want him to wake up alone." He might panic, burn the whole place down before he even realizes where he is.

Shade smiles at me, and it almost feels good that he knows about this. Shade is probably the only person I trust not to use my feelings for Cal against me. One thing I don't have to lie to him about, when my world is filled with so many lies.

"We're finished recruiting newbloods from Beacon, so we'll be moving on soon," Shade says, filling me in on the plan, and subtly letting me know that he'll give Cal and I a little more space. "Meet us at the Blackrun in an hour. You can tell Cal it's on the same runway, he'll know how to get there."

"Thank you, Shade," I say, and I can tell he knows that the thanks is for more than just the information.

I turn away from him and duck back inside the safehouse as he starts walking. Inside, Cal is snoring, fast asleep still. There's no furrow in his brows now, no frown twisting his lips. He looks peaceful and so young. I sit down on the bed next to him, smoothing my fingers over his temple and brushing them through his hair. I know I should wake him, but I tell myself we have a few more minutes. Just a little bit longer until I pull him back to this messy, disastrous reality.

When I do wake Cal, he looks so happy to see me that it makes my heart soar momentarily. It doesn't take long though before we both tuck our feelings away again, allowing just small glimmers to poke through. Cal sits up and rubs his eyes. He looks much better already after just one night's rest. His eyes are brighter and the bruises on his skin are fainter. The weight of everything that has happened settles on his shoulders again, but at least now he looks more capable of carrying it.

"Morning, sleepyhead," I tease, and I earn a smile from Cal. "Shade said to meet everyone at the Blackrun, we'll be leaving soon. Are you ready?"

Cal stands, stretching his arms above him until his fingers brush the ceiling of the safehouse and his joints crack.

"Yeah, I'm ready," he answers.

Shade and Farley took most of the supplies back to the Blackrun with them, leaving just one pack and a crate. I grab the pack and sling it over my shoulder, turning toward the door, but Cal catches my wrist.

"Thank you," he whispers, looking almost sheepish.

I smile, because it's just the two of us. Cal leans forward to kiss me, less tentative now, and I can taste a hunger for more, but he doesn't push. When he pulls away, he trails his thumb across my cheek and gives me a soft smile before pasting on his guarded warrior face and moving to grab the crate.

"Okay, let's go," he says, shifting the crate so he has a comfortable hold on it.

I nod and we walk out of the safehouse, leaving it behind.