Light. Where is the light?
Does that even exist anymore? thought the young girl. All she could see were the dark grey clouds.
'Clouds'. Using that word implied that what she was seeing above her was natural, like rain or thunder. But whatever was blanketing the sky was definitely not natural.
The girl went through the routine she had developed of asking questions to herself.
Where am I?
She was out in the sea, in a tiny capsule that she snugly fit inside of.
How long have I been here?
About a week, give or take a few days. She didn't know for sure.
The girl didn't know why she did this routine. Maybe it was her trying to jog her memory. Oraybe to keep her sanity in check. What little was left of it, after being trapped for several days alone in a frighteningly small space.
Why am I out in the ocean?
...She wasn't able to answer that last question.
The girl in the capsule desperately banged on the door as hard as she possibly could several times. Just a little more, she hoped, until I can get out of this thing. Until someone hears me. Each day she knew she was making progress, escaping this container of hers. She could never tell for sure how close she was, her field of view being so limited, but she had a feeling. A feeling she knew, deep down, was in vain.
After several attempts, the girl gave up. She tried to get herself comfortable, as much as she could in a small space like the one she was in. The girl allowed her eyelids to fall down, trying to go to sleep, despite being more hungry and more thirsty than she had ever been in her life.
Would it have been so hard to prepare a snack or something in this thing?
Despite the rumblings of her stomach and the headaches of dehydration, most of the time she was able to go to sleep. Throughout the day she would spend the time napping in intervals. She didn't know what else to do.
She had drifted off for about 20 minutes when she suddenly heard a noise. Muffled and quiet at first, the sound was getting progressively louder. The girl couldn't discern what the noise was, or where it was coming from. It sounded like roaring waves, which made sense. But the noise slowly became even clearer, and with each passing second more uncomfortable to listen to. It almost sounded like…
Screaming?
No, it couldn't have been. She was the only person around for miles...unless she was closer to a shoreline than she thought.
Help! Can you hear me?! Help! Get me out!
The girl put in everything she had into opening the pod doors, hoping to try and catch the attention of whoever was screaming. Eventually, the doors managed to open automatically, though she didn't know how she got them to work. The girl's knees wobbled and chest ached as she slowly stood up. She felt the harsh glow of light beaming upon her, and turned to face where the light originated from.
And on the horizon she saw the indescribable. Glowing, fire-like yellow pillars of light, hundreds of feet tall, reaching into the sky. Along with the tons of screams she was already hearing from who knows where, whatever was in front of the girl made an unearthly noise, a noise of rage. The girl trembled in fear at what she was gazing upon. She fainted, collapsing back into the pod, the doors closing after she did so.
About a minute or so later, she woke up again. The screams still filled her ears, having seemingly increased in numbers. She pounded the doors once more, but she wasn't able to get it open like she had earlier.
The girl cried for the attention of whoever or whatever was making the sounds. But it wasn't working. The person or people screaming just kept screaming. And it got even louder. The girl's shouting and door pounding, no matter how much she tried, were becoming completely overpowered by the screams. The screams of...well, she didn't know how many people she was hearing. A hundred? A thousand? Possibly a million?
Was she even hearing any screams? They sounded real to her. But what she had seen earlier was making her question reality.
The screams were becoming unbearable. Millions of screams were piercing the girl's ears, nay, her soul. She was starting to wonder if they were directed towards her. As if she did something wrong. But she didn't know what she did.
The girl attempted to drown out the screams by closing her eyes and thinking of happy thoughts. Puppies, kittens, parties. She thought of everything she could to escape the nightmare she was experiencing.
But when she closed her eyes, all she could see was a strange entity of light, different yet similar to what she had seen earlier. It was a being that was about thirty stories tall. A being, that for whatever reason, was angry at her.
The girl started crying. She still had no recollection of what had happened to her. Had this been her entire life, trapped in a capsule away from others? Was she even alive? Could she possibly have been in hell itself, isolated from the tender loving care of God and her fellow man, as she heard the eternal wails of the damned and saw the devil himself?
After about ten minutes, the girl attempted to go to sleep again. The screams weren't getting any quieter, but she was slowly getting used to them. She tried to get comfortable, awkwardly shifting around her body as much as she could in what felt like being in a small closet.
While tossing and turning, her arms touched the necklace that was sitting on top of her. The girl could not remember how the necklace got there. When she first noticed it was on her torso several days prior, she remembered being strangely comforted by it. The necklace had a feeling of warmth and familiarity, two things that were otherwise absent in the tiny capsule. Since then, whenever the girl would become anxious, she would feel the necklace's surface, hoping to calm herself down.
Most of the time, squeezing the necklace tightly did indeed relax the girl. But this time it had an additional effect, one the girl never expected. Somehow, as if the necklace was calling to her, a word popped into her head that she knew she had seen before. Countless times in fact. It was her name. Throughout her stay in the ocean, the girl had completely forgotten her name, as well as everything else. She tried her absolute hardest to remember, but the malnutrition and stress had rotted her brain from the inside out, making it nearly impossible to remember anything at all.
Yet for some reason, her name had sprung up in the moment. Perhaps it was a sign that things were finally going to be alright. That's what she told herself as she finally began to fall asleep.
"Why am I here, again?"
Misato Katsuragi, age fourteen, was in a helicopter, of all things, about eleven kilometers above the air, traveling about 250 kilometers per hour. Her flight traveled along with four other helicopters, somewhat packed together in a cross-shaped formation.
Misato looked down below from her window. She was unable to see the ground beneath her, only being able to gaze at the seemingly endless blue sky and the occasional wisps of cirrus clouds.
"We're almost there," said Tatsuki.
Misato glanced at the young man, who didn't even notice her, continuing to face forward. Misato rolled her eyes at him. That didn't answer my question.
When her mother died in late July, Misato expected (and dreaded) to be placed in the care of her father, Dr. Mikio Katsuragi, a renowned scientist who she hadn't seen in five years. But to both her relief and her horror, Misato was instead placed under the care of Tatsuki Moriyama, a twenty-four year old aspiring physicist and soldier who studied with Dr. Katsuragi at the University of Tokyo.
Misato was utterly confused when she heard that this was the man who was going to be her caretaker. Why him, she thought to herself. Why couldn't she live with her best friend Fumiho, or her aunt Chieri in Yokohama?
Hell, why didn't she live with her father? Misato knew her relationship with her father was tense. The young girl outwardly blamed Dr. Katsuragi and his obsession with his research as the primary reason for her parents' divorce. Though she could never confirm it, she knew that this deeply upset him. And a hidden part of Misato, a part she wished was buried, revelled in this. She never liked him. And, from what she could gather, he felt the same way.
But after her mother's death, there was another part of her that wanted to live with Dr. Katsuragi. Misato's mother wished for the two to make amends, and Misato wanted to as well. She felt that if she didn't, her life would seem stagnant, unable to move due forwards to being held back by an empty part of her that only her father could fill. And Misato hoped her father felt the same. But when Dr. Katsuragi sent Misato to live with Tatsuki, that told her everything. It told her that her father wasn't interested in rekindling their relationship. It told her he didn't want her.
Why am I here, then? the young girl thought to herself. Why was she woken up by Tatsuki at one in the morning, to get inside a cramped helicopter and travel thousands of kilometers across the ocean? Why, after years of distance between the two, would Misato's father suddenly wish for her to come with him for a work trip, a trip which, by all intents and purposes, didn't require her presence?
She didn't know. And she was worried she never would.
"Where are we going again?", asked Misato.
"Antarctica," responded the pilot of the helicopter. "Should be there in another...four hours."
"Antarctica...right." Misato remembered her classmates talking for weeks about their parents going on a trip to Antarctica. I'm so jealous! Antarctica is so cool! one of the girls exclaimed. I know, I wish I could go! said another girl. Misato thought they were insane. Why would you want to leave somewhere as beautiful as Japan for the coldest place on Earth? That sounded like hell. We should all be glad we AREN'T going,Misato had thought to herself.
But the next thing she knew, Misato's jaw was on the floor when Tatsuki told her they were going on this trip. The sheer fury and horror that Misato felt about this was amplified ten times over when Tatsuki said her father was the one who wanted her to go. It got even worse when the news broke out at school. Misato expected the girls in her class to be excited for her, and finally start talking to her. But instead they sneered at Misato, snarkily asking each other, Why her? Unbeknownst to them, Misato was wondering the exact same thing.
Oh God, this is really happening. Up until this point, it hadn't truly hit Misato yet that this was reality. That this wasn't a dream. That she was going to see her father. And because of that she began to panic. She wanted to hyperventilate, but the high altitude made it near impossible for her lungs to do so. So she fidgeted around erratically, subconsciously wanting the attention of her co-passenger and the pilot.
"Calm down," ordered Tatsuki, looking at the girl.
Misato wanted to scream at the man. You don't know anything, she wished to screech at him. But even if it was likely correct, it wasn't warranted. She realized that the young soldier was likely just as nervous as she was. Instead, she let out a forced "sorry" as she crossed her arms in discontent. Misato glanced at her watch. 1 PM, already? She sighed as she looked out the window again, counting whatever clouds were left in the clearing sky.
Misato thought about how she got into this scenario. Everything happened so fast. Not even two months ago, she was living with her mom, attending middle school with the classmates she knew for her entire life. Though things were not perfect, they couldn't have been better. But now she was living with this dweeb, who was ten years her senior and a complete introvert, making home life awkward. And she was now attending a private school, populated by kids whose parents worked at the University of Tokyo. The distance between her old home in Chiba and her new one in Tokyo made it impossible to see her old friends, so she had to make new ones. But the kids there were incredibly stuck up, acting like they knew everything as they gossiped about their parents' careers. Misato didn't know anything about her father's work, and frankly she didn't care, but not being "in the know" hampered her social life as other students wanted nothing to do with her.
Why are you doing this father?, Misato thought, clenching her fists. What do you want with me?
After what felt like eons, the five helicopters finally landed on the southeastern tip of the icy continent. Despite wearing multiple layers of protective snow gear, the cold wind hit Misato like tens of bullets when she stepped out of the aircraft. She glanced up at Tatsuki, who was also shivering a little bit himself.
Misato looked around the landing spot. Most of the scientists were huddled up in groups of two or three, looking over whatever they had on their clipboards. Misato noticed her father, who was nose deep in his notes. She stared at the man, eagerly wanting to run up to him, demanding why she was dragged over ten thousand kilometers away from the warmth of her home.
Misato saw a group of emperor penguins a ways away from the research team. She smirked a little bit, watching them waddle around as they lived their carefree penguin lives. She remembered an animal research project she was assigned in her second year of primary school; she picked penguins, and ever since that project they had become her favorite animal. The adorable creatures were perhaps the only thing Misato was looking forward to in Antarctica.
She looked around a little bit further. She noticed a girl, someone she didn't remember seeing when everyone was boarding the helicopters back in Tokyo. The girl was looking out into the horizon, unaware Misato was gazing right at her. Though she didn't know for sure, Misato was certain the girl was just as old as she was.
Misato lit up like the sun. Finally, someone else to talk to. Someone that likely was in the same place as she was; dragged against their will by a parent or some other relative hundreds of thousands of meters away from home. Someone that Misato could vent her frustrations to that would actually understand, and vice versa. Someone she could actually call a friend.
Misato was ready to run to the girl and introduce herself, but Tatsuki was watching her like a hawk. Once she realized this, Misato stayed put, daydreaming up all of the ways she could make her acquaintance with this new peer of hers.
Suddenly, things didn't seem so bad.
The first half of the first night was completely forgettable. Misato spent her evening in one of the many cabins in the research team's base, bored out of her mind. She had no cell phone, since Tatsuki didn't let her get one, and there was no home phone like there was back in the apartment. Misato also wasn't allowed to bring her video games, much to her dismay. She initially thought that her caretaker was just being a jerk, but she was livid when she found out there was no TV at all. She had to eat a strange, freeze-dried dinner that she could still feel lodged in the back of her throat. And she was alone for most of the time, only being checked on every forty-five minutes or so by Tatsuki, who would give a quick "hey" or "you okay?" to Misato before leaving again.
It was around seven thirty when Misato heard a noise from outside the cabin. She looked out the tiny window, and noticed someone was standing in the cold, about thirty feet away. It was the girl Misato had seen earlier.
Now's my chance! Misato couldn't wait any longer. She quickly put on her snow gear, and, after writing a note to Tatsuki saying where she would be, went outside to meet the girl. Misato rushed as fast as she could, trying to outrun some external force she was worried would prevent the two from meeting each other.
The girl noticed Misato, looking at her as Misato stopped and put her hands on her knees, out of breath. Misato wheezed through her greeting, trying to get out what she could.
"Hi...I saw you when we were boarding back in Tokyo...My name is Misato Katsuragi."
"I saw you as well. I'm glad we've finally met. I'm Erina."
Erina spoke in a quiet, yet dignified voice. She was a couple inches taller than Misato was, having a thin frame and excellent posture. Misato was used to this type of person at her school; thin, pretty girls that acted over-mature and pretentious. She thought those girls were snobs, whose kindness was a facade that broke down once the adults left the room, allowing their true nature to creep through. But, despite giving off the same vibe, Misato felt Erina was for real; compassionate, honest, emotionally strong. Someone that Misato needed in her life.
"Nice to meet you Erina!"
"Nice to meet you too."
"So...um...what are you doing out in the cold?"
"Oh...I was just observing the Antarctic."
"I see. Are you cold?"
"Of course."
"Well...do you want to come into my cabin then? It's warm!"
"I can't, sorry. Naoto won't let me go into other people's cabins."
"Oh, that's a shame," responded Misato. Though she did feel sorry for Erina, Misato was also incredibly happy about this news. Assuming this Naoto person was also a soldier, that meant Erina had to deal with the same nonsense that Misato did.
"Well, can I come into your cabin then? Is there a rule against that?"
Erina thought for a minute. "No, there isn't."
"Awesome!" exclaimed Misato! She rushed to Erina's cabin, which was right next to hers, and held the door open for her newfound acquaintance.
"Thank you," said Erina.
"You're welcome," Misato said giddily, shutting the door behind her.
Erina turned on the lights. Erina's cabin was almost exactly the same as Misato's, although noticeably messier. Erina sat on the bed, as Misato took off her shoes and sat on a chair near a desk. Time passed a bit, as both girls were unsure of what to say next. After what seemed like forever, Misato broke the ice.
"So, what school do you go to?" asked Misato.
"Sugita," replied Erina, rather monotone.
"I do too! I've never seen you around before, though. Are you new?"
"I just transferred. I was supposed to start this month, but I'm here instead."
"I see. So is your father on this team too?"
"No, my mother is. Dr. Hizuru Kodama."
"Oh, you're Dr. Kodama's daughter. She's a nice lady. She seems like she'd be a good mother."
"Yes. She is." Erina looked down at her feet.
"That's awesome." Wish I were you, a part of Misato thought. She noticed that Erina still had her hood on. Misato found it a bit strange, but gave Erina the benefit of the doubt that she was still cold, and didn't point it out.
"And you?"
"Oh…" Misato turned bright red. "M-my father works here. Dr. Katsuragi."
"Yes. Dr. Katsuragi. The leader."
"Leader?" inquired Misato.
"Yes. Dr. Katsuragi is the leader of this operation."
"Oh wow. I didn't know that... Do you know what he does?"
"Do you?"
"No…" Misato grew even redder. "No one has ever told me."
"I see. No, I haven't been told what he does."
Misato mumbled something under her breath, but it was too quiet for Erina to hear. "Well," Misato said, louder. "What does your mom do?"
"She is a energy researcher."
"That sounds pretty cool," said Misato, trying to discern whether or not that was her father's job as well. "Do you live with her?"
"I did until last month, when I was placed in the care of Naoto."
"Why would your mom do that?"
"I don't know. I believe she just wanted to focus on her work...What about you? Do you live with Dr. Katsuragi?"
"No. I live with this Tatsuki guy." Misato laughed. "He's such a turd."
"'Turd'. I see."
"...Yeah…"
Misato stood up and walked up to Erina. "Can I sit next to you on the bed?"
"Sure," replied Erina.
Erina scooched herself over a bit to the right, leaving room for Misato. Misato plopped onto the bed, her back lying on the coarse mattress, and stared at the ceiling.
"Why are we here…?" Misato thought aloud.
"What do you mean?" Erina replied innocently.
"I mean why are we in Antarctica? Why do we need to be here when our parents don't need us? When they don't want us. They send us away to live with other people, for god's sake. But then they reel us right back in, taking us all the way to the South Pole, as if we're supposed to do something for them after they've neglected us. I just-I don't get it. I don't get it."
Misato sat up, looking solemnly at her feet as they kicked the ground, and awaited a response from Erina.
"Perhaps your father does want you for something, like you said."
Misato laughed. "Yeah right." But she wanted it to be true.
"Your father is the leader of this operation," said Erina. "Perhaps he has plans for you."
"For...me? What do you mean?"
"Your father wanting you here, after ignoring you previously, means he has something for you. And I bet it's something big."
"Big...?"
"Yes. Big." Erina faintly smiled while she said this.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know…"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
Erina didn't respond to this.
"You're not making sense." said Misato.
"What do you mean?"
"So you're saying that after abandoning me for five years, he's suddenly going to want something from me? That's ridiculous."
"It's in the realm of possibility."
"It's definitely not. What would he even want from me? I don't even know what he does for a living. I don't even know what this trip is for."
"Maybe he hasn't told you what he wants yet."
"Bullshit. Either he would've told me before we left or he wouldn't tell me at all."
"Why is that?"
"Why would he just come out of the blue with it?"
"Perhaps he is scared of talking to you."
Misato was not expecting Erina to say this. Her face began to redden, as her pent up anger finally started to spill out.
"No...it's because he's an idiot."
"Idiot?"
"The reason why he brought me here is not because of some grand design. He brought me here because he's an idiot. Even if he's the smartest scientist in the world, he's a fucking idiot!"
Misato threw her shoes across the room. She sat back on the bed, out of breath and sweating profusely, near the point of tears. Erina stared at her, with a mix of confusion and sympathy. Misato's expression turned to embarrassment as to what happened.
"I-I'm sorry," said Misato, trying her best to not cry in front of her new friend. "I'm really sorry."
"It's fine."
"It's not. I shouldn't have snapped like that."
"It's fine, Misato."
"Okay…"
"You know, Misato, you would make a good mother," said Erina, in an unusually robotic tone.
Misato blushed. "Oh… th-thank you…? What makes you think that?"
"Your feelings about your father made me realize. You are a protector. That's the most important attribute a mother should have."
"Protector…?"
"You are passionate about and willing to protect anything you care for. Whether that be your beliefs, like the one you have about your father, or someone you love very deeply. Like how a mother loves their children."
"I see." Misato's blush grew even redder. She was confused as to why Erina is talking about this. "I don't know if I'm having any kids, though."
"Even if you don't, I believe there will be someone in your life you will be the protector of. Someone that will do important things under your care and motivation."
"Wow...Um...That was really nice of you. Thank you." Misato's blush began to fade.
"You're welcome."
"What made you think of this?"
"I just wanted to point it out."
"I see. So... what about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah. Why do you think you're here?"
"Hm…" Erina thought for a moment. "Maybe I was supposed to meet you." Erina said this with a quiet confidence, as if she knew for sure.
Misato blushed a bit again. She was speechless. Nobody had treated her like this in what felt like forever.
Erina stood up, and walked to the door. "It was nice meeting you, Misato."
"You too-wait. Where are you going?"
Erina was putting on her snow gear. "I'm just going back outside."
"You're coming back, right?" Misato thought this was a stupid question to ask. But for some reason she had a feeling Erina would not come back.
"Yes."
Erina opened the door and stared outside. The rush of the cold wind was the strongest it had ever felt. She turned back to Misato, who was still sitting on the bed.
"Goodbye Misato, I hope we see each other again someday."
Erina closed the door behind her. Misato, terrified, rushed to the door.
"Erina, wait-"
She opened the door, hoping to see her friend. But instead, standing right in front of her, was Tatsuki, along with some older gentleman that wasn't her father, but she had seen before.
"What the hell have you been doing?" Tatsuki was fuming.
Misato ignored this question, instead stretching her neck to see if she could spot Erina. Tatsuki grabbed her shoulders, trying to keep the young girl in place.
"You're not supposed to wander off and go into other cabins. Especially if they're unused." said Tatsuki.
"Unused?! This is Erina's cabin."
Tatsuki took on a face of confusion. "Who?"
"Dr. Kodama's daughter!" Misato felt they were messing with her.
The other man looked at Misato with concern.
"Dr. Kodama does not have a daughter," he said.
"What?!" Misato's heart sank. Had her experience with Erina been a dream? A hallucination? "B-but...I met her! We talked to each other!
The two men stared at her, uncomfortable. Misato was near the point of a tantrum.
"You have to believe me!"
The other man turned his attention towards Tatsuki. "I believe she's hallucinating from hypothermia. I'd recommend taking her to the infirmary."
"No!" cried Misato.
"Not this moment," said Tatsuki. "If it happens again I will. But she'll go back to her cabin."
"Very well," responded the man. "I have to get back."
"Alright," said Tatsuki. "Thank you for helping me look for her, Dr. Nishioka."
"No problem."
The man walked off. After Dr. Nishioka faded from view, Tatsuki turned towards Misato, with an annoyed look on his face.
"Come on."
Misato grumbled as she followed Tatsuki back to her cabin. She rushed to her bed, slowly taking off her snow gear. Tatsuki stared at her from the doorway, angry.
"We'll talk about this later," the young man said. "But I have to go back to patrol now. Don't make me come look for you again."
Misato grumbled again. She intently watched him close the door. She waited a few minutes until she could no longer hear his footsteps from outside the cabin. She then threw her sheets and snow gear across the room, crying and screaming in the process. She didn't know what the hell was going on. Was everyone messing with her? Did everyone hate her? She knew for certain that Erina didn't hate her, but Erina may have not even been real.
After some time, Misato stuffed her face into a pillow, and sobbed uncontrollably.
Whenever Misato stroked the cross necklace with her fingertips, a new memory would appear. But as Misato recalled the past, she struggled to remember anything in between meeting Erina and being in the pod. She began to wonder if something happened during that blank period that caused all of this, resulting in her scenario.
The only thing she could remember from this period was the ground falling underneath her. She was lying down in her cabin, when suddenly the floor shook and collapsed. The next thing she knew, she was in the pod.
Misato continued to feel the cross again, but nothing was coming up. She was so tired, hungry, and thirsty. She lost track of how much time she had been in the pod. She worried that as she continued to float adrift, the estimated timeframe of being rescued was growing weaker and weaker.
And every time she closed her eyes, she could only see that being of light. She didn't know what it was, or where it came from. The being looked so alien to her, but there was something about it that seemed human as well. And when the being stared at her, it seemed angry at her specifically. She didn't know why this would be the case, though.
Misato reflected on the conversations she had with Erina. She remembers Erina calling her a "protector". She tried to reason what that truly meant. But from a mixture of mental exhaustion and lack of information, she had trouble doing so. Misato knew for sure that Erina was real, but even if it was a hallucination, Misato felt that what Erina had told her was important.
Suddenly, Misato flew a few centimeters upwards, her face hitting the doors, busting it up a bit. The pod had crashed into something. Misato moved her facial muscles a bit to ease the pain, and then realized that she may have hit a coastal area. She pounded the doors with all of her might, before finally being able to break through. She was too unbelievably tired to get up out of the pod herself, so she screamed for help, hoping someone, anyone, would hear her.
Misato heard footsteps approach the pod from her right. A figure appeared above, almost like an angel, bending down to face Misato. It was Erina. Erina reached out her hand to Misato, faintly smiling.
But at this moment, Misato felt something she had never before. A feeling of pure hatred for everyone and everything. This misanthropy consumed Misato, clouding her judgement. You abandoned me, Misato thought, talking not only to Erina, but to humanity as a whole. The girl was willing to let out her hatred on the first person she saw, and that happened to be her only friend. Misato's body jerked up awkwardly while still lying down. She grabbed Erina's throat with both hands, choking her with the little energy she had left.
Then, the anger began to fade, and lights flashed in Misato's eyes. What Misato thought had been Erina had morphed into an elderly woman, who had heard the pod crash into the rocky beach where they were located.
Misato, realizing what she was doing, let go.
She wept.