Hello, everyone! Welcome to the crossover that absolutely nobody asked for, but I'm going to write anyway!

So, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Mostly just random stuff like how Monk and Ed both hate milk, or how Monk would probably love alchemy because it's so precise/all the perfect circles and stuff, but eventually I had so many ideas that I couldn't resist trying to make something bigger out of them.

Just a few disclaimers: first (sorry to any 03 fans), this follows Brotherood/manga canon. Also, this won't really have a proper plot or anything like that. I just had to set up a situation that would allow the Monk characters and FMA characters to interact, since this isn't a dimension-crossing story. I personally think they'd all have some really interesting perspectives on each other.

Finally, for fans of either fandom who have stumbled across this crossover without really knowing what the other fandom is: I'd say it's necessary to watch Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood in order to understand this story, but Monk has far less of an overarching plot, so a cursory Google search to familiarize yourself with the show should be enough. Of course, it would be best if you've watched both shows so that you better understand the characters and references. For reference, this story takes place in the later seasons of Monk, but before the last season.

Now that that's out of the way, please enjoy Mr. Monk and the Alchemist and let me know what you think! :D

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

Edward Elric, the former Fullmetal Alchemist, stormed into Central Command like a man on a mission.

"What's this all about, bastard?" He growled the moment he'd kicked down Brigadier General Roy Mustang's door, slapping a piece of paper onto the desk. "You know I'm retired."

"Yes, I believe we all remember your rather colorful resignation, Fullmetal," Mustang responded with a smirk. Behind him, Hawkeye's lips twitched. "And to answer your question, it's exactly what I told you in the summons: a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

Edward raised an eyebrow. Mustang only smirked wider.

Cursing his own curiosity, the blond let out a sigh, running his right flesh hand through his hair. "Fine. I'll bite. What do you want me to do?"

"It's quite simple: someone has been murdered using alchemy, and the military has once again found itself in need of your alchemical expertise. Of course..." Mustang leaned forward with sharp eyes. "The single issue with this is that this murder has taken place in the United States of America."

America? Ed had never heard of it, which meant it must have been pretty damn far away. His brow furrowed as he came to the realization. "Knowledge of alchemy was only spread by the Sages of the East and the West. It shouldn't have ever gotten off the continent."

"Precisely. Somehow, an alchemist has escaped our borders, and the only ones currently charged with arresting them naturally have no alchemical knowledge. They have no chance against a human weapon. Unless another country offers their assistance." The bastard's eyes were lit up in the way that meant that he was plotting something, and Ed wasn't sure whether to punch Mustang's face in or start laughing evilly along with him.

He settled for a grin. "So Grumman has you on diplomat duty, eh? Can't exactly start making moves for the Fuhrer's office if you're stuck dealing with dumbasses from another country."

Mustang's eye twitched. This time, Ed was the one who smirked.

"If there truly is an alchemist in this country, nobody would be equipped to deal with them," Hawkeye piped up, ever the voice of reason. "The situation would pose a major threat to citizens. If Amestris steps in, not only can we save innocent lives, we can also begin to establish better relations with the rest of the world."

Then Mustang's face was all smug again, like he was the one who had it explained it all. Ugh. Why was he friends with this bastard again? "Since you are retired, as you have so astutely pointed out, we cannot force you to accompany us." Suddenly, Roy's face softened. "But I think I speak for both me and Hawkeye when I say we'd feel better to have you there."

Ed blinked.

"Did you just... did you just compliment me?"

"Don't get too used to it, Fullmetal."

"Not Fullmetal anymore," he said halfheartedly even as something else occurred to him. "I'd have to be away from Al."

Mustang shook his head. "Unfortunately, Alphonse cannot come on this mission. But we should not be away for more than a few weeks."

It had been six months since the Promised Day, and Al was doing better than ever. He was already able to run fair distances; Granny Pinako thought he'd be able to start sparring in another month. Just the thought was enough to bring a giddy grin to Ed's face. Still, the idea of leaving now, even if only for a few weeks... he'd barely left Al's side since the Promised Day, especially after the ten months they'd spent apart and on the run. He didn't like the idea of leaving his brother alone.

But he won't be alone, Edward reminded himself. He'd have Pinako and Winry and Den, and he was sure that Teacher and Sig would love to visit Resembool. Besides, Al would be rightfully pissed if he found out Ed had turned down an opportunity to travel outside of the country for his sake - and knowing Al, he would find out, and he would kick Ed's ass, still recovering or not.

"Where exactly would we be going?" Ed asked.

"The murder took place in the city of San Francisco, in the state of California, which is in the western United States," Riza informed him.

San Francisco, huh? He'd never heard a name like that before. Even after so many years spent travelling around, he was still learning just how big the world really was. There was so much left to explore.

Ed smiled.

"Okay," he said, eyes burning bright with a now-tempered determination. "Let's go to San Francisco."

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

Adrian Monk puttered around his apartment, going about his daily cleaning routine as Natalie chattered on about something or other in the background (instead of making lunch, might he add).

"Alchemy, Mr. Monk! Can you believe it? Practically magic, and it's been hiding right beneath our noses the whole time!" She smiled widely as she set down the newspaper on the counter, displaying the headline: AMESTRIS FINALLY COMING OUT OF ISOLATION? "And we're going to meet alchemists! It's times like these that I really love my job."

Monk's duster paused in the air. "Times like these? What about... the rest of the times?"

Natalie paused for a moment before startling, the words practically falling out of her mouth. "Oh, Mr. Monk, you know that's not what I meant, it's just - well... you're kind of... a handful sometimes. But I do love working for you! You know that."

"No, Natalie, it's alright, I know I can be-"

"No!" His assistant burst out, rushing over to him and taking his face in her hands. The duster fell to the floor between them. "You're my friend, Mr. Monk. You're not always the easiest friend to have, but friends are supposed to help each other. And that will never change, okay?"

"...Wipe."

"Huh?"

"Wipe, Natalie, wipe! Wipe!"

"Wha - oh, oh Mr. Monk, I am so sorry, here you go-"

Five minutes and several wipes later, peace had returned to the apartment. Natalie continued reading her newspaper. Now she was telling him about apparently famous alchemists - someone named Flame and another called Fullmetal, who Monk immediately did not like because the name Fullmetal was only nine letters long, and why couldn't it have just been an even ten?

Now, as Monk switched out his duster for a washing rag, he finally allowed himself to wonder why Natalie was so excited about this. Alchemy might have been a scientific innovation, but it had also killed a man. It was just another weapon that could be used to rip children from parents, wives from husbands. Just another cause of cases for him to solve. Not something all that great. It wouldn't save a life.

It wouldn't bring Trudy back.

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

And that's a wrap on the prologue, folks! The two casts of characters didn't meet this time, but they will in the next chapter; I just wanted to get the ball rolling with this. The real action will start next time.

Speaking of which, the first real chapter should be up very soon - maybe even later today. I have a good idea of the first few bits of the story, so I want to get those posted as soon as possible. After that... we'll see.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review to let me know what you think and if there's anything I can improve. All I ask is no flames (save those for Mustang) and no one-word requests to update. I'd really appreciate the feedback :3

Until next time! Take care of yourselves!