A Little Hotel Called Stalag 13...
Schultz was wondering what was going as he did another count of the prisoners inside Barracks 2 before lights out.
''Vierzehn, fünfzehn, sechszehn.''
''Colonel Hogan, I counted 3 times and you have an extra man in the barracks!''
''What's wrong Schultz? Klink is more worried if someone is missing. And it's buy one, get one free this week at Max's grocery.''
Colonel Hogan was up to one of his usual schemes.
''There is some monkey business going on!''
''Well Schultz, I would have preferred an extra woman instead of an extra man, but they were all out of women at Max's.''
''I must report this to the Commandant immediately! It is worth my life.''
''Schultz, do you want to know what we're really doing?"
"We are planning a mission. To kidnap Hitler and make Eva Braun the next Führer of Germany. At least she looks better than Old Scrambled Brains. And she can't do any worsethan him.''
''Jolly jokers…''
''Schultz, the truth is we run a hotel for escaped prisoners and evaders. And we also try to undermine the German war effort. We blow up the odd train or 2, bridges, and factories.''
''Lieutenant Bradley's family owns a small hotel in rural Missouri and he is here on an exchange program.''
''Here's a couple of candy bars for your trouble.''
''I KNOW nothing! I SEE nothing! Colonel Hogan, please. When I come in tomorrow night, there should just be 15 men.''
''OK Schultz, you win. But do you care which 15? Or we might have 15 men and 1 woman. Or 15 women and no men.''
Schultz ran out of the barracks in a panic. Was Hogan serious?
''Colonel Hogan, that fat German Sergeant reminds me of my wife's Uncle Joe. Lazy and doesn't care.'' the Lieutenant grinned.
''Lieutenant Bradley, you don't know the half of it. We keep him fat, dumb, and happy.''
''So, how does the Adolf Hitler Biltmore compare to the hotel that your family runs? I run this place, and you're my guest at Stalag 13.''
''Not too bad, sir for a prison camp hotel. Although we don't have a real French chef. Corporal LeBeau, my compliments. All we serve is fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and apple pie. Or meatloaf. It's nothing compared to your boulliabase."
''But the folks in Hooterville call it high class food. Or haute cuisine, I think that's the right words in French, right Corporal LeBeau? The only high class restaurant in our area is in Crabwell Corners. It has a creek running through it. Rather odd decor to be honest."
"Corporal LeBeau, if you ever come to America, you would make a lot of money opening a restaurant."
Louis LeBeau was impressed by the American pilot. He may have been from somewhere in the rural United States, but appreciated good food. And the Corporal remembered that Missouri was once part of France.
''Merci beaucoup, Lieutenant Bradley.''
''You see that Newkirk? A man with refined tastes. And an American as well!''
''Louis, your bloody fish soup isn't fit for even Schultz!''
''You English and your notions of food. Toad in a hole? Bangers and mash? I would rather eat a Wienerschnitzel. Mit Holstein!''
Colonel Hogan interrupted...
"We'll get you back to England soon. And you will be back to the States to see your kids soon. And didn't you say that your wife has another one on the way?"
"Yes sir! Before I was shipped out for my second tour. You know about those things."
One more mission and I was going home. 2 tours of duty. Why I wanted to fly 50 missions was a mystery to me.
''Wow sir, 50 missions? You probably have a lot of medals by now.'' Andrew Carter was awestruck by anyone who was that brave. Or insane.
''No Sergeant, it's just a job. I did get another OLC for my Distinguished Flying Cross last week along a British Distinguished Flying Cross. But you're the real Heroes. I mean anyone who has this kind of setup could leave Germany anytime."
''Lieutenant, if we leave, who runs our little hotel?"
"Our mission was to take out the railroad yards around Düsseldorf. Preparing for the invasion of Europe by destroying everything that moves. My B-26 finished its run and I was flying my way back to England. And then we get hit by flak."
"My right engine was out and I had a heck of a time trying to control her..."
"Well the Hooterville Cannonball wasn't going to make it back to England. I ordered my crew to bail out. I somehow kept the Marauder straight and level. And after everybody makes it out, I hit the silk."
"I had no idea how I survived. They call that plane the Widowmaker. And I didn't want to make Kate a widow quite yet. I bailed out and get stuck in a tree. Hanging from my parachute with no way of coming down."
"And the funny thing is I see this pair of Germans having a picnic by the side of a road. A young couple."
"The man shouts to me in English saying he's a friend. And will cut me down from the tree."
"The woman, but she's more like a teenage girl, started saying something in German. I understand the language a little. I went to school in St. Louis."
"Something about the man being an idiot and he can't climb a tree because he has a fake leg. And the next thing I know, this girl climbs up the pine tree with a gravity knife and cuts me loose. And we climb down."
"She was an angel sent from Heaven. And wearing such a pretty dress too. And somehow she was as clean as a whistle afterwards after climbing down from the tree. She yelled at the man to give me something to eat."
"He gave me some chicken and a glass of wine. Where I come from, we don't touch anything alcoholic. But it was good."
"I would have never expected to have fried chicken in all places, Germany. Although it needed a bit of salt. But otherwise it was tasty."
"And the next thing I know, the Underground sends me here. Inside a dog truck no less."
Colonel Hogan laughed.
"Well Lieutenant, you just met the Wonder Woman of Germany. But she's a strawberry blonde, not a brunette. And she is a true Fräulein Wunder. Or in other words, you were rescued by the Nick and Nora Charles of Krautland. Nick is smart but his Nora is more than a match for him."
"It's time for you to forget about your cares and and relax at Stalag 13."
Dr. Gerhard Steiner and Nurse Marilies Schneider. Always there to help others in need.
Kinch came in with a message.
"Sir, message from the Underground."
Hogan read the message.
"Lieutenant, we got word from the Underground. Your co-pilot and bombardier will be joining us as guests soon."
"That German couple you met. Dr. Steiner and his fiancée, they will be bringing them to us tonight. In an ambulance, not a dog truck. Don't worry, they aren't injured. It was the only vehicle they had. The young woman that cut you free, Marilies Schneider is her name. She rescued your co-pilot and bombardier just like you."
"They were stuck in the trees a few feet away from you in another part of the forest. She cut them down from their parachutes. The rest of your crew were captured and on their way to Stalag 5. At least they are alive."
"Newkirk, LeBeau, meet Gerhard and Marilies later tonight. They will be bringing in new guests. Bring them in through the emergency tunnel."
"Sir, my 2 daughters are a blonde and a brunette." Lieutenant Bradley pulled out a photo.
Sir, they are cutie pies. Carter exclaimed. What are their names?
The oldest is Billie and the other one is Bobbie.
Well Lieutenant, take care of your ladies. I have a feeling that they will be a handful some day. Hogan replied.
"Sir, so this place you're from, Hootersville? Sounds like my home town of Bullfrog, North Dakota."
"Sergeant Carter, it's actually called Hooterville. If you are ever in my part of Missouri, come and be my guest at our family hotel. No tunnels, but we have a nice little train."
"Deal Sir! I would rather ride a train than blow it up for once. And look me up in Bullfrog. We're just a suburb of Crabapple Junction.
Carter and Newkirk brought in the 2 new guests.
Well look who is here. Kiley, Ziffel. We'll be going out together.
Second Lieutenants Newt Kiley and Arnold Ziffel were happy to see their airplane commander.
"Kinch, prepare clothes, maps, food, money, and fake papers for our guests. They will be checking out tomorrow night."
"The sub will be ready to pick you up. In a day you will be in England. And my advice for you is to go home. You have done your duty and more."
''Check-out time is 9:00 tomorrow night. We enjoyed having you, but we don't want return guests. Recommend us to your friends and family.''
Lieutenant William Joseph Bradley laughed out loud.
"Thank you sir! And I learned about how to run a hotel."
The Hammelburg branch of the Shady Rest Hotel had many very satisfied customers. But no little trains rolling down the tracks of course. Hogan and his Heroes took care of them already. No repeat customers either.
Notes
How does a Hogan's Heroes/Petticoat Junction crossover story work? Silly but fun.
Schultzie and Uncle Joe Carson could be one and the same.
The B-26 Marauder was known as the Widowmaker since early versions were difficult to handle during landings. Modifications were made to the wings and it eventually had the lowest loss rate of any American medium bomber in the European Theater of Operations.
Many B-26 bombers finished over 100 missions and there was one that completed over 200. Google up 'Flak Bait.'
Dr. Steiner's fiancée is certainly a 'Miss Miracle.'
The chicken and salt reference is from the HH ''Klink's Masterpiece.'' A picnic takes place on the side of the Hammelburg Road. Instead of Dr. Steiner and Marilies Schneider though, it's Colonel Hogan and Rhona, the proprietress of the Hammelburg art gallery. And nobody is stuck in a parachute hanging from a tree of course.
In my stories, I imagine the good Doctor's fiancée bearing a more than passing resemblance to Rhona/Nurse Gerda/Lila Fenster.
Billie and Bobbie are the first 2 Bradley sisters. Betty isn't born yet. Assume this story takes place somewhere in the 1944/1945 timeframe.
Lisa Douglas, the character played by Eva Gabor in 'Green Acres' always referred to Hooterville as 'Hootersville.' Carter might do the same thing.
Now is Arnold the Pig the co-pilot or bombardier in this story?
Newt Kiley is a farmer and character in both 'Green Acres' and 'Petticoat Junction.' I have no idea how he got a commission in the USAAF.
Kate Bradley's husband is actually named Bill-it's mentioned in a Petticoat Junction episode.
And for the $64,000 question-where in the world is Hooterville exactly? I think it's in Missouri...