Hello everyone, and happy April Fools! This is Saint deciding not to miss my yearly tradition with another random small piece straight from the weird gutter of my mind.
Also to show everyone I'm still alive, I'm just having some trouble writing OPG:CoF's next interlude as it's a very important one and the story is at such a crazy part that some parts require a lot of concentration from my part to write (And there has also been some more IRL distractions around). Thankfully, this little piece helped clear my mind, so after a little rest I'm hoping to get the interlude finished and the fic updated soon enough!
But that's for another time. For now, enjoy this every short (But hopefully still fun) piece of hilarious weirdness, inspired by several things, about a universe where Kirito has a few too many little sisters :3
Prologue: Five Reasons to Smile
Sometimes, among the endless different realities of the Multiverse, great changes that can redefine someone's life take place.
Maybe the great hero will be born a girl instead of a boy, or vice versa.
Maybe they will fall in love with someone different from who they did in the original story.
Maybe they will succeed in saving someone's life where they failed…or the exact opposite.
Maybe they would be defeated in a battle they were meant to win. Or, perhaps, they will reach a much bigger victory than they ever hoped for.
…and, sometimes, the 'changes' are so seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things that, at first glance, they seem completely unrelated to the usual great tale, yet end up changing things up more than anyone could have ever thought.
In this case…the night she got pregnant, Kirigaya Midori decided that, just for luck, she would eat her fill of one of those 'guaranteed to increase your fertility' recipes one could find on the internet. It was made with nothing but homemade ingredients, and she and Minetaka really wanted a child, so really, what was the harm, right?
A month later, when the confirmation of her pregnancy came, she and her husband were ecstatic and happy. All had gone well!
…and then, things started getting…'strange'. Well, more like unexpected, really.
Midori's stomach started growing…a lot and a lot faster than either of them had expected from the books they had read and been teased about by some friends. Even before the gynecologist confirmed it, they already knew that the woman was expecting multiple children. A small surprise, sure, but one that mostly brought them just joy…
Until Midori started getting really big. And her cravings multiplied a lot.
Even when they got the doctor's confirmation…the couple couldn't believe what they had been told. Midori's sister, who had become a mother recently herself, had come over and helped calm down her sister when she had a small panic attack from the news.
Quintuplets. She has carrying not one, nor two, but FIVE babies inside her.
It was truly a sudden and scary prospect, imagining what being a mother of five would be, but between her husband's support, her sister's encouragement and the calm advice of her husband's father (Though it also included some not-so-subtle mumbles about being on the prospect of 5 grandchildren to continue his family's kendo tradition), she managed to overcome her fears and push on. Minetaka would need to accept that job overseas quite earlier than he had ever planned and she probably would need to start working a lot herself after taking care of the kids for a couple years, but they would manage.
…months later, though, she had one very thing clear…she was never having more kids. The happiness just barely overcame the exhaustion and pain she had gone through, even as she held two of her little girls in her arms while Minetaka held two more and Aoi held her firstborn (By three minutes) as her husband held their own sleepy son, who seemed to be looking at her crying newborn cousins with his own dosage of baby-like curiosity (Being barely like 6 months old, after all).
The monumental effort of bringing them into the world aside, raising five daughters wasn't going to be easy. There was no way she was ever having another kid.
…over half a year later, as a tired and confused little Kazuto was finally put to sleep by her and Minetaka on a small futon they had put in the room for their five babies, they being now his only remaining living family, the woman wondered if this was the universe's way of telling her not to tempt Fate…
15 Years Later…
Slowly, the sun rose over the Kirigaya household, warming it with gentle light as it did every morning.
And in one of the house's rooms, a certain 16-yeard-old boy twitched in his sleep, feeling a, to his dismay, familiar weight on top of him.
Perhaps, if he ignored it long enough and stayed perfectly still, she would just go away for once and-?
"Heheh…it's useless to try and pretend…I know you're awake, Onii~"
Groaning, Kirigaya Kazuto opened his eyes, coming face to face with the grinning face of his second-youngest 'little sister', the two small braids on the sides of her face that characterized her dangling between hers and his own, with just a few inches separating them.
She was also dressed in extremely short shorts and with a half-open shirt on top, one he was pretty sure was his, giving a way-too-generous view of her sizable chest.
"…Sukemi, why?"
"Hmm? I don't get it, why what, Kazuto-Onii~?"
Rather than answering her, knowing how THAT would end up, the black-haired boy just loudly groaned, sat up while ignoring the way her body clung to his own as he did, and very casually rolled her off him as he stood up and headed for his closet.
He also did his best to ignore her playful giggles at his action or the way she 'waved' her bare legs in the air. It was too early for his sanity to start being damaged.
"…please stop sneaking into my room just to wake me up like this. We're not kids anymore…"
"But us not being kids anymore is exactly why I'm doing it, Onii!" happily answered the smiling girl, the gray-blue eyes she shared with all her sisters shining with amusement and something else which the boy did his best to not think about. "C'mon, how long are you going to take to lose your self-control and push me down so we can take our relationship beyond the siblings-level…?"
"Like I tell you every morning, never!" half-shouted Kazuto as he totally-didn't-escape from the room once he was out of his pajamas, grumbling as he skipped the stairs two at a time and headed to the living room.
"Oh…good morning, Nii-san."
One person was already sitting at the table before him, though, casually reading the morning news on her tablet from behind the glasses he knew she didn't really need. However, everyone, him especially, had always found the youngest sister's need to wear glasses just to 'look smart' to be adorable…and the fact that she probably was smarter than everyone else in the family combined made it very justified, to be fair.
The fact that she also wore hairpins like the oldest of them, only her own designed like some cute cat-like face, just added to the reminder of how childish she could sometimes be, despite having been getting nothing but perfect grades since she was 10.
"Morning, Sumire…anything interesting this morning?"
"…the fact that you're interested in that means you're trying to distract yourself…did Sukemi-neesan sneak into your bed again?" tilting her head as she asked the question, Sumire managed to sound both curious and resigned, with also a small hint of regret that, for the sake of his sanity, Kazuto once again did his best to pretend didn't exist. "Did you try getting another lock?"
"After the 4th one ended up just neatly disassembled on the ground the next morning, I decided to stop wasting my money." sighed the gamer while looking at his place at the table, at one of the extremes of the table positioned totally not so that he could see all the others sitting at that moment whenever they ate together. "So, is breakfast rea-?"
"Sumire-chan, was that Onii-sama that I just heard?" came a melodic voice from the kitchen, which made both siblings present smile even as Kazuto turned to walk towards the kitchen. "If so, could you please tell him I will have his breakfast done in no-? Oh! Good morning, Kazuto-oniisama!"
Standing there with a few pots heating up while casually handling a frying pan, the figure with the longest hair in the house, held up in a ponytail, turned around to give him such a radiant smile that he almost felt like it would blind him. She had an apron on over her casual clothes, like she usually did almost whenever she was at home, to the point they joked she was more 'motherly' than their own mom…but between how she had insisted on taking care of cooking, cleaning, and even looking after everyone's chores and problems since she had been able to, despite being the second-oldest of the five sisters, that probably wasn't too far off the truth.
She was also the one that the only boy in the house felt the most at ease with, thanks to how sweet and caring she was in the most soothing of ways.
"Morning, Sumomo."
Even as she whipped up a plate with some delicious soft snacks and a bowl of miso soup for him faster than he could blink, bouncing in her step to hand it over, Kazuto had to admit that she also was, in a way, the most dangerous of them because how not-dangerous she acted…
"Here you go, Onii-sama! Breakfast! I hope it's to your liking!"
"Sumomo, the day I don't like your cooking is the day you can all just bury me on the garden." joked the gamer while grabbing his food and completely ignoring the way in which the girl blushed when their fingers brushed, as he had long-since trained his brain to do. "Sukemi should be coming down…soon, hopefully, so…"
"I will have her food more than ready, don't worry!" energetically answered Sumomo while turning back to the pots and frying pan, though she almost immediately glanced over her shoulder at him. "Oh, but could you call Suzume-chan and Suguha-neesama to the table? Those two always are late for breakfast if we don't keep an eye out!"
"Hai, hai, I will take care of our two most 'distracted' sisters…" promised Kazuto as he went back to the table, pretended not to notice the way in which Sukemi looked at him while 'reading' on her tablet and then walked straight for the house's dojo. "Suguha? I know you like your training, but it's time for breakfast already…"
"Huh? A-ah, Onii-chan! Oh, is that time already…?"
Scratching her cheek and looking to the side awkwardly, the oldest of the five sisters looked away from her big brother as she tried to recover her breath, the thin sheen of sweat over her body and the kendo hakama she was wearing being the quite obvious indication of what she had been doing until that moment, not to mention the fact that she was still holding her shinai in one hand.
Then again, even if mostly as a hobby, Suguha was still the only one of the 6 who still practiced kendo at all, so it wasn't strange for her to sometimes lose track of time during her morning practice.
Though thinking back on that particular fact about their family…Kazuto shuddered upon recalling the day he had decided to tell their grandpa he didn't want to practice the 'family tradition' anymore. The furious reaction from the old man certainly hadn't been something his six-years-old-self had been expecting…
But he bet that Kirigaya Kaito hadn't been expecting the sudden onslaught of five rabid little girls with their shinais quite literally attacking from the back (Against the code he had been trying to instill on them with their lessons about honorable battles), catching him so off-guard that he had fallen on his face, and then proceeded to beat him down from having 'tried to harm their big brother'. He had actually had to run off to get their mother to prevent his little sisters from crippling the old man or worse…it was both a terrifying and hilarious memory, in hindsight. Especially as it was the only time he ever recalled Sumomo and Sumire having been actually furious.
"Yeah, you know Sumomo doesn't like having to reheat the food, so you probably should hurry up a bit…" finally answered the gamer as he snapped out of the unsettling memory to give the oldest of his little sisters an awkward smile. "Also, she's totally going to tell you off for not remembering to bathe before it was breakfast time."
"Ah…oh crap." Suguha whimpered while covering her face, giving Kazuto the perfect chance to slip out of the dojo and head back into the house proper. "Wa-wait, Onii-chan, I-I don't smell or anything, right? RIGHT?!"
"Sigh…just another normal morning at home…" mumbled the boy to himself as he quickly walked upstairs and headed to the furthest room in the hallway, ignoring the purposefully-left-open-door to Sukemi's room where the girl was probably hastily changing out of her 'sleeping clothes' to get down on time for breakfast. "Okay…let's get this over with."
Suppressing the small shudder that always came when he had to come to this particular room himself, the gamer knocked on it twice, casually.
After two seconds had passed, and while he was considering that perhaps he could get away with having knocked as 'calling her', the door swung open, revealing a room completely cast in semi-darkness thanks to the black curtains covering the window.
Mom, Suguha and Sumomo had half-joked in the past about how he spent too much time in his room because of his videogames, but when it came to being a borderline shut-in, nobody could compete with the young girl standing before him, clad in a see-through purple negligee that, in his opinion, she was way too young to be wearing. Especially with the also very mature black lacy lingerie she had under it.
Hilariously, despite she not having anything 'telling' that differentiated her from her oldest sister, except maybe a few inches of hair longer, one could never ever mistake her and Suguha, if only for the 'calm-yet-dangerous' look in her eyes and the alluring smile she usually wore.
Third oldest of the sister…or maybe third-youngest? Either way, the one that stood 'in the middle' of the five Kirigaya sisters was also the one that Kazuto preferred to interact with the least…
"Ara…good morning, Onii-san. Have you finally decided to come to spend some time in my room helping out with my books…?"
"Sorry, Suzume, still not happening." firmly replied the black-haired boy while his eyes were, as always, inevitably dragged to the massive bookcase on one side of his little sister's room, which he had helped put together a few years back, and that he knew was filled with very…questionable literature. "Sumomo is calling us for breakfast and you know how much she hates it when someone has to eat reheated food, so…"
"Oh, indeed, disappointed Sumomo-oneesan won't do. Thanks for the warning, Onii-san…however, can I ask you a quick question before I start changing?"
"Sure…?" replied the gamer with an unsure boy, only to blanch completely upon seeing the still-smirking girl reach to the side and hang a certain outfit before him. "Wha-?!"
"I ordered this on the internet a few days back, and it just came home. A nice addition to my collection, as you can see." Suzume casually informed while showing off a maid outfit…that was obviously a bit too big to fit her. "Will you please pose for my photobook on it, Kazuto-oniisan~? After all, those adorable shots of yours are still some of the most popular ones in my online blo-"
"I was 9 and didn't know better, dammit! How many times I gotta tell you I'm NOT cross-dressing for you again?!" half-shouted Kazuto before spinning in place with a red face and walking away, ignoring the chuckles coming from the younger girl as he did so. "Just…don't be late for breakfast!"
"I won't, Onii-san…but I won't give up until you accept to open your eyes to your inner cuteness either~"
Groaning, the black-haired boy turned around, intent on telling off his little sister once more…only for the other 'most dangerous' one, aka Sukemi, to shoot out of her room like a missile and latch onto his side in an overly inappropriate way, smiling brightly up at him.
"Onii! Let's go downstairs like this to show everyone our love!"
"Oh my, Sukemi-chan, I see you're as bold as ever."
"Ah, good morning, Suzume-nee!"
Even as both girls started to casually chat as if nothing was out of the ordinary (And, for them, it wasn't), Kazuto couldn't help but mentally whimper, knowing he WOULD have to end up 'carrying' Sukemi to the kitchen like that.
What Gods had he pissed off in another life to deserve this…?
Later that day, once classes were over and he was packing away his things as he prepared to head back home, Kirigaya Kazuto couldn't help but miss the simpler, more innocent times of his childhood. Back when he wasn't aware of how 'strange' it was to have five little sisters.
He could still recall the 'dark' day he had first come to acknowledge it. He was just eleven and one of the children they used to play with on the park had asked him why he had so many sisters. When he, as a kid would, had just answered that there was nothing weird with it, he had been met with the childish skepticism that made the other child point out how he didn't know anyone else that had five sisters.
The next day, when Kazuto had woken up with his little sisters having all sneaked into his bed in a 'cuddle pile' with him, as they sometimes did, he had found himself uncomfortable with the situation for the first time in his life. It wouldn't take more than a few months before he started asking them to stop doing it altogether.
Their reactions had been less than pleased, obviously…and that was before they found out he was adopted.
Boy, that had been quite an awkward day…then again, when you're 12 years old and one of your little sisters suddenly brings up puzzled why their birthdays and yours only had like 6 months of difference between them and she had read it should have been at least around 9, during a super-rare-instance that they had been able to have a full-family-dinner (Dad had been visiting from his work overseas that month), was quite the way to find out they were actually your cousins and they your uncles.
Incidentally, despite her protests about how knowledge shouldn't be restricted, Sumire had been forbidden from using the internet without supervision again for a long while after that.
Ironically, that had been more memorable than his initial attempts to lock himself away and distant himself from his 'family' after finding out the truth…the 'Suguplets' (As Sumomo had jokingly called them once, and it had somehow stuck, despite Suguha's protests) had forcefully dragged him out of his room the next day, then made him spent the entire day doing 'family things' with them…some way too embarrassing or childish to even recall.
Suffice to say, he had half-forced himself to 'go back to normal' after that day, and more or less managed it after a couple months, but it had also left him very aware of one simple fact…
"Hey, Onii-chan, wait up! We're coming!"
"Sugu-nee, no need to shout, Kazuto-oniisama wouldn't go back home without us!"
"Sumomo-oneesan, you're so innocent sometimes is hard to tell you anything that would contradict it~"
"She's right, though! Onii loves us way too much to leave us behind! Right, O-?! Gah! Sumire-chan?!"
"Sukemi-neesan, please, don't go and tackle Nii-san in the middle of the school again."
…a fact that, as he turned around with resignation to face his five sisters walking through the courtayard towards him, with Suguha waving his way while Sukemi tried to do the same while also trying to get Sukemi's hand off herself, he was forced to accept once more. Especially with Sumomo giving her angelic smile and Suzume her mischievous smirk side by side causing the usual whispers that followed the 'Kirigaya 5' to intensify.
His little sisters loved him a bit too much. As in, way more than any little sister should their big brother…even if they were technically his cousins…and that, the more time it passed, the more they seemed to do so, instead of the opposite!
It had been endearing when they were kids. A bit awkward but still understandable when they were ten-years-old…but they were all full-blown teenagers by now! Wasn't it about time they started wanting to spend less time with him? Go out with friends? Get boyfriends?!
But no, instead, here they were, walking alongside their slightly antisocial big brother who preferred playing videogames (Something none of them was ever enthusiastic about) over hanging out with friends, doing sports, studying…or any of their own hobbies, really.
It was amazing, how there probably wasn't a single person in their high school who didn't know who he was, yet he had no actual close friends, both for the same reason: His little sisters.
Don't get him wrong, he wasn't exactly a social butterfly or a person who enjoyed crowds, preferring much more to 'socialize' online and make 'friends' through the games he played, but even if he hadn't been, he was sure it would have been borderline impossible to get close to anyone who wasn't either trying to use him to get closer to one of his sisters or just that was curious about 'the boy with five little sisters'.
"…are you okay, Onii-sama? You look a bit spaced out…" Sumomo worriedly asked while looking up at him.
"Onii-chan, don't tell me you flunked a test or something!" gasped Suguha while looking at him with wide eyes.
"…no, Sumo, Sugu, all is fine here. I was just wondering about a new game about to come out…" lamely replied Kazuto while looking up at the sky.
"Onii-san is always thinking about his games, after all." casually added Suzume while browsing something on her phone. "He should spend more time thinking about us…or how cute he would look in the dresses I have for him in my room~"
"I can totally agree with the first part!" interpreting the fact that they had already lost sight of their school a few seconds back, Sukemi jumped on Kazuto's back and snuggled against him as hard as her body-strength would allow; a resigned grunt being her only answer. "Think more about us, Onii!"
"Sukemi-neesan, we're still in the street, don't be so embarrassing!" protested Sumire while trying and failing to pry her lamprey-like sister off their brother. "Mou, honestly, why are you like this…?!"
All the while, the only boy amongst the group took everything in stride with half-amused resignation, even when Suguha and Sumomo had to intervene to get Sukemi off his back.
At the end of the day…he couldn't deny he loved his little sisters and that his life probably wouldn't be the same without them. On that same note, though, sometimes he wished there was a way for him to get away from them for long enough to try things on his own without the certainty one or more of them would follow him…
It was as he entered his room and turned on his PC with such thoughts in mind that the notification about a recently-arrived email caught his attention, his entire brain freezing upon reading the title.
'Congratulations: You have been accepted as part of Sword Art Online's Beta Test.'
The rest of the email may as well not have existed for Kazuto as several seconds passed while he stared at the words, almost unable to believe what he was reading. Certainly, he had been extremely interested and eager about the world's first MMORPG for virtual reality and its upcoming release, especially after the two-years-long delay it had suffered (Something about a former colleague of Kayaba Akihiko, Sugou-something, trying to kill him out of the blue one day and almost succeeding)…but he hadn't actually expected to win one of the one thousand spots for the Beta Test when he entered that online competition for it.
Scanning the entire notice wide-eyed, he realized he had even won his very own Nerve Gear thanks to this, a mighty generous gift from Argus to all Beta Testers so they could all fully experience the game and provide the feedback they needed.
Maybe…maybe this was a sign? Was FullDive technology finally his chance to 'escape' from his little sisters in a way that wasn't too obvious from them? Of experiencing a social life that didn't involve them while also fully enjoying his love of videogames?
Feeling a smile slowly starting to spread through his face, the black-haired boy quickly printed the certification he needed to claim his all-new Nerve Gear from any authorized shop, then quickly changed out of his uniform and grabbed his phone before rushing downstairs.
Such hurry, though, was obviously noticed by his little sisters, all of which were still lounging around the living room, either on the couch or chairs…except for Sumomo who was already asking what they would want for lunch.
"Eh? Onii-sama, is everything-?"
"Sorry girls, I have to go buy something, be back in a bit!" not even giving the most 'motherly' of his sisters time to finish her question, Kazuto opened the door and rushed into the street, his steps light and a carefree smile on his face. "Aincrad, here I come!"
This was going to such a great and stress-free experience!
"…huh, maybe Onii ran out of snacks or something?" ventured Sukemi with a raised eyebrow while everyone was still blinking in towards the door. "…oh well, this is a perfect time to go sneak into his roo-!"
"No." denied Suguha without missing a beat as she stopped her younger sister from rushing upstairs. "You won't do such a thing, you gotta help me clean the dojo before Sumomo insists on doing it herself…again."
"But Sugu-oneeeeee! Onii's roooooom!"
"Whining won't make anyone more willing to let you go into Kazuto-oniisan's room, Sukemi-chan." pointed out Suzume while reading over a cosplay magazine, her eyes set on a catgirl outfit and most definitively not imaging herself being the one to wear it. "Also, he still doesn't have any physical porn, probably has all of his in his computer, and Sumire-chan still refuses to hack the password for us…"
"Fo-for the last time, I'm not going to use my knowledge to let you invade Nii-san's privacy!" retorted Sumire with a red face, before forcing herself to calm down. "…that said, I apparently won something interesting this morning, and I wanted to ask if you were interested in joining me on it."
"Huh?"
"Hoh?"
"Oh, it's strange of Sumire to invite us to do something~"
"…I really don't mind being the one to clean the dojo…"
"Well, have you heard of FullDive technology? Virtual reality? There is this massive virtual world with supposedly full interaction they're releasing masked as a game soon and I won an entrance for the Beta Test! The chance of exploring a world fully generated by computers that can fool all five senses was way too amazing to pass up!" eagerly explained the smartest of the quintuplets while fixing her glasses with an uncharacteristic smile. "Want me to hack you all winning places into the Beta Test so we can get some sisterly time in a magical floating castle?"
Even as he was enthusiastically forward to arriving at the shop to get his new Nerve Gear, Kazuto couldn't help but wonder why he had felt a sudden chill running down his back…
Author's Note: Happy April Fools yet again, everyone! Thanks for reading!
Now then, onto explanations, this is a weird-yet-fun idea I actually had on my mind since a few years back. And believe it or not, it's not even directly inspired by a certain Quintuplet-related-anime that's been popular lately, though that was indeed the deciding factor for the number of 'Suguplets' (LOL). Inspirations actually were a few random manga, an ecchi game, and the fanfic of my good friend KnightEstoc 'Sister Overload' that I read a few years back. The premise of 'Kazuto ends up with too many little sisters' is hilarious, after all, so I decided to add my own spin to it.
Let me tell you, coming up with their personalities wasn't even remotely as hard as it was coming up with each having their own personalized way of calling their 'big brother' and way to act towards him, I mostly used fun clichés for them (We have the 'perfect wife'imouto, the 'lewd', the 'genius' one, the one that 'wants to see him in dresses', and good old vanilla Sugu as the big sister of the bunch!). Also coming up with slight yet distinctic enough variations in their looks and preference of clothing given they are, for all intents and purposes, identical, and don't have conveniently drawn completely different hair colors like the sisters of 'The Quintessential Quintuplets' do :P (Funnily enough, thanks to another talk with a friend, a slight variation in their chest-sizes also differentiates them, but that felt a bit too perverted to add to the actual story given it's meant more to be a SoL/comedy idea)
Just like most previous April Fools' updates, there are no plans to continue this one beyond the 'prologue', but with regards of the setting, it's basically a No-Death-Game universe, and would mostly center in SoL situations with the 'main plot' being the sisters worrying/panicking upon seeing Kazuto actually taking to VR like a fish to water and starting to make lots of 'friends' in there…most of which are girls, as we all know. Hilarity and chaos would ensue, but it's a bit too much of a 'tame' plot-line compared to the crazy/whacky things I have the most fun writing, hence why it stayed as just an idea in my mind for a long while and why it probably won't be continued…but I certainly hope it gave you a good laugh in this day of cruel jokes!
Seeya all next time in OPG, hopefully soon…if Alicization Lycoris' next DLC doesn't distract me too much XD Until then, this is Saint, signing off!