16
Author's Note: I like to do a silly, hopefully funny story for April Fool's Day. I've been too busy the last couple of years, but this year I carved some time out of my schedule by neglecting my other stories to write this short story about the filming of a new afternoon talk show developed by Luann for her porn site. Lie detector tests and paternity tests will be given with stunning and chaotic results.
This story doesn't tie into any of my stories although this version of Jax is similar to the Jax in Quarantine & Love: Jax and the Romance Writer. Hope you enjoy this crazy story and it's all complete.
If you haven't read any of my stories, that won't matter. This is a standalone story and I'll fill in what you need to know.
If you enjoyed this story, please let me know. If you hated it or just disliked it, please let me know so I'll know how to better spend my time and that would be not writing stories like this. Thanks. M.
"
TRUTH: Did SAMCRO Tell the Truth
"
It was hard to understand why an outlaw biker club as cool as the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals would agree to appear on an afternoon talk show unless you knew they were so high on pot and magic mushrooms they didn't know what they were doing when they signed the contracts.
Once they sobered up, there were misgivings, but being male, full of bravado and too much testosterone, they were confident they could handle anything the talk show host could throw at them. Luann, Otto's porn producer wife, was behind this talk show, so they so were doing the show partly as a favor to her. She was going to put it up on her subscription porn site. It was supposed to be a wilder, more adult version of all the afternoon talk shows that used lie detector and paternity tests.
Problems began even before taping started over make-up issues. There was concern that Happy's bald head would cause glare. He adamantly refused to allow the make-up artist to even powder it to dull the shine. According to Happy, real men don't wear make-up. He finally agreed to allow them to apply a mattifying make-up primer. They told him it was a scalp conditioner. Problem solved.
When the make-up artist wanted to powder Juice's head, he too complained. Without hesitation, she told Juice that Happy let her powder his head. Since it was good enough for Happy, Juice decided that it was good enough for him and allowed her to dim the shine generated by his faux hawk.
The make-up artist just had to cover up a little acne on Jax's forehead; otherwise he was his usual flawless hot as hell self. Chibs' hair was greasy, so he allowed a busty red headed porn star/production assistant wash and style it. Tig wanted to make sure the cameras picked up the intense blue of his eyes so he suggested a little mascara and eyeliner—subtle of course so the guys wouldn't rag on him. He also whispered that he wanted his bald spot covered up.
This was a dark day for Clay. He found out that he too had a bald spot. Being an outlaw biker meant never checking yourself out too much in a mirror. When he combed his hair, he never looked at the top or back, so when the make-up/hair stylist mentioned a bald spot, he was in shock.
His father had thick hair right up until the day he died at eighty-nine. He assumed he had that same gene. Discovering a large bald spot in the middle of his head was a nasty surprise. The woman assured him that with a little artful combing, the bald spot could be covered. Clay nodded his agreement finding it hard to accept that he was going to be one of those guys with a comb over. Humiliation over a bald spot would be the least of Clay's problems once the show began taping.
Bobby surprised everyone by enjoying the pampering the make-up artist/hair stylist gave him. She trimmed up his beard and rubbed in some beard conditioner so it looked less wiry and coarse. He even let them do a little decorative braiding on his beard. Opie got the beard conditioner treatment too, but he refused the braiding on his beard. Piney snapped and growled at the woman and she scurried away from the grumpy old man.
The show had rented out Charming High's little theater for the taping of the show. Luann's porn studio didn't have the needed seating for an audience. The stage was simply decorated with black straight backed chairs on the right where SAMCRO was going to sit. There was a dark blue sofa for guests and a black chair upholstered in the same dark blue fabric as the sofa for the host. There was a lime green wall behind the sofa with three large black TV monitors attached to it.
Dick Large porn star turned talk show host was hoping this show would be his ticket out of porn and into the pampered life of a talk show host. He was dressed in dark blue slacks with a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He was average height, medium brown hair with brown eyes. He was just a nice average looking guy that no one would guess was a porn star.
Ima Tite who was his co-host was hoping that she would be able to jump from porn into mainstream movies. She knew it wouldn't be long before she aged out of porn so this was her big chance to make a career move. She was dressed like a cheap street level hooker in a spandex turquoise tube dress so short it barely covered her ass. She was stick thin with large breasts. It was a change from her usual stick thin, flat chested look. Her hair was freshly bleached to a white blonde color. She wore two pairs of false eyelashes and recently had fillers injected into her lips that made her bubble gum pink lips look like the sucking end of a toilet plunger. It didn't help that her mouth seemed twisted in a never ending smirk.
The audience consisted of Gemma, Tara, Donna and Chuckie along with friends of the MC including Cherry, the sweet butt who had provided oral sex services to Clay the night the Devil's Tribe was patched over to SOA. Luann was up at the front of the stage preparing to direct.
All the members of SAMCRO took their places in the black chairs arranged in one line on the right side of the stage. Luann cued Dick and the show started.
"Good afternoon. I'm Dick Large and this is my lovely co-host Ima Tite," Dick paused so Ima could blow a kiss at the camera. "Our first guests are from the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals. They will receive the results of some lie detector tests and paternity tests. The results are not even known by me until I take them out of the envelope. Settle in for all the fun times ahead."
The audience clapped politely.
"My first guest is the chapter's president, Clay."
Clay got up and took a seat on the sofa. Dick walked over and sat down in the chair beside him.
"Being president of SAMCRO must be pretty stressful," Dick said.
"It can be at times, but we're just a club of motorcycle enthusiasts who enjoy riding bikes," Clay said. Amused chuckles greeted this statement.
"I suppose when you go to other chapters, things can get a little crazy like the time when you went to a Nevada chapter."
"What happens on a run stays on a run," Clay said.
"I understand there was a little contact between you and a young lady named Cherry."
"My old lady knows it was a one time run thing," Clay said casually. "She only sucked my dick once."
The audience and SAMCRO laughed. Cherry shifted in her seat uncomfortably.
"Cherry, come on up and sit next to Clay while we reveal the results," Dick said.
The audience yelled encouragement to Cherry who finally went up the three steps to the stage.
Ima walked across the stage holding a large white envelope with Clay's name written on the outside and handed it to Dick
"You took a lie detector test. We asked you if you ever had sexual contact with Cherry other than the one time your wife knows about. We asked you if you had sexual intercourse with Cherry. And for our last question, we asked you if you had had any kind of sexual contact with Cherry since she's been in Charming. You answered . . ."
"No to all your questions," Clay said. Clay was hoping that by taking this test it would finally give Gemma the reassurance she needed.
Dick opened the envelope.
"You answered no to all the questions and the results came back the same to all the questions. Clay did not tell the truth."
Gemma, moving faster than she had in years, climbed on stage and grabbed a handful of Cherry's limp brown hair and pulled her to her feet.
"You little whore," Gemma hissed in her face before punching her in the stomach.
"Gemma, the test has to be wrong," Clay protested jumping to his feet.
Cherry was doubled over from the punch.
"I swear," Cherry gasped still bent over, "it was just that one time and it was only a little dick sucking."
The men of SAMCRO laughed at Cherry's choice of words.
Gemma went over to Clay and tried to slap him. Clay wasn't about to let his old lady slap him in front of his MC. He grabbed her hand.
"Not here," he said tightly, anger barely controlled. "I told the damned truth. Damned guy didn't give the test right that's all."
"Let's get our next guest up here," Dick said brightly. "Jax, the prince of Charming, you're next."
"We'll talk about this later," Clay told Gemma.
"You can damned well bet on it."
Clay returned to his seat with his club while Gemma helped Cherry leave the stage by grabbing her by the hair and half dragging her off it with Cherry chirping "ouch" the entire time.
Cherry took a seat in the audience as far away from Gemma as possible. She decided if Gemma came near her again, she was going to run away. She could still outrun the old bitch.
Jax walked over to the sofa with his usual sexy Jax Teller swagger and sat down. He never got tired of all the female attention that followed him wherever he went. He was grateful that he'd been born with looks, charm and brains. He also could laugh at himself as his lie detector results would show.
"So I understand that your nickname is the Prince of Charming. Is that true?" Dick asked.
"I've never had anyone call me that to my face," Jax said with his easy charm, "but if someone wants to call me a name, there are a lot worse names."
The audience laughed appreciatively.
"I've heard that SAMCRO had a dick measuring contest."
"Allegedly," Jax said. The audience and SAMCRO laughed
"We asked you several questions. Is it true that you easily won the dick measuring contest at your clubhouse and you answered . . ."
"Yes," Jax said grinning.
"We asked you if it was true that you refuse to patch in a new member if his dick's bigger than yours and you answered . . ."
"No."
"We asked you if it is true you had sexual contact with our lovely Ima here."
Ima smirked at the camera.
"No. Never with Ima."
"We asked you if you have ever had an STD and you answered . . ."
"No."
"Let's get those results," Dick said.
Ima walked across the stage, looked at Jax, licked her toilet plunger lips and smirked before handing Dick the envelope.
Dick opened the envelope and pulled a sheet of paper out of it.
"We gave you the lie detector test and the results came back all the same to each question and that was Jax did not tell the truth."
"What the hell?" Jax yelled. "I do have the biggest dick."
"I knew he'd been with that porn whore," Tara whispered to Donna. "I'm going to kick his ass."
"What about the STDs?" Donna asked.
"I'm going to double kick his ass. Filthy dirty bastard," Tara hissed. She wanted to rush the stage and give him a hard knee to the crouch. Sleazy biker trash, son of a bitch. She could hardly wait to get her hands on him.
Ima had an ear to ear grin plastered across her face.
"Bring that lie detector bastard here because I told the truth," Jax demanded getting to his feet and looking for the guy that had administered the test. "I told the damned truth. I'll show you I do have the biggest dick."
"Later you can show me that big dick of yours and I'll measure every luscious inch of it with my tongue," Dick promised Jax. "For now though," Dick said sighing regretfully, "let's move on to the next guest Chibs."
Jax returned to his seat cursing under his breath and insisting he told the truth.
Chibs took Jax's place on the sofa, a confident smile on his face.
"Now Chibs, I understand that you're from Scotland."
"Aye," Chibs said using a heavy brogue.
"And you're also Catholic."
"Aye and proud of it."
"We asked you those very questions for your lie detector test. Ima can I have the results envelope."
Ima strutted across the stage with the white envelope and handed it to Dick before returning to her place close to the chairs where SAMCRO was sitting.
"We gave you a lie detector test and the results were the same for both questions. Chibs did not tell the truth."
There was a stunned silence in the theater. "Of course I'm Scots and Catholic."
"That's not what it says here," Dick said. He handed the sheet of test results to Chibs.
SAMCRO was confused by turns certain that the results were wrong and wondering if the results could be right and something was going on with Chibs. How could Chibs not be Scots? How could he not be Catholic? Could he have been playing some twisted game with the guys or could he be a spy from a law enforcement agency? What the hell was going on?
"Thank you Chibs," Dick said brightly in his fake talk show host voice. "Our next guest is Juice."
Juice took Chibs' place on the sofa.
"That's quite the hairstyle you have there," Dick said.
"Thanks," Juice said.
"We had just a few questions for you. We asked you if you had ever been in a threesome with two women and you answered . . ."
"Yes," Juice said proudly.
"We asked you if you ever had a threesome with two guys and you answered . . ."
"Hell no!" Juice said emphatically.
"Ima, envelope please."
Ima crossed the stage and handed the envelope marked "Juice" to Dick.
"We gave you a lie detector test and the results were the same for both questions and that was that Juice did not tell the truth."
Juice protested that he had told the truth and he would never have a threesome with two guys.
"I found Juice in the weight room at the clubhouse doing naked push ups. I thought that was strange," Jax whispered to Opie.
"I saw him doing naked squats," Opie said.
"You think he might really be into guys?" Jax asked.
"I don't know," Opie said.
Juice finally calmed down enough to return to his chair.
"I swear I've never been with a guy," Juice said, so upset he was almost in tears.
"We'll talk about that later," Clay said grimly.
"Now our next guest is Tig," Dick said.
Tig walked over and took his place on the sofa. His eyeliner and subtle mascara made him look more like a rock star than a badass biker, but it did bring out the blue in his eyes.
"So Tig how did you find the lie detector process?"
"Easy. Piece of cake. I always tell the truth unless I don't," Tig said. The audience laughed.
"We asked you some questions about your sex life. You like things to be a little different."
"If it feels good, do it is my motto," Tig said.
"OK. Let's talk about some things that I can do to make you feel good later," Dick said with a wink. "We asked you if you had ever had sex with a dead body and you said . . ."
"Absolutely. You've never lived until you've had a pair of cold lips on your cock," Tig said. He had no shame over what most people would find to be disgusting deviate sexual behavior. He thought of himself as a pioneer in sexual pleasure exploring where others fear to tread.
"Ima, please bring me the envelope," Dick said.
Once again Ima pranced across the stage, a smirk on her lips.
"Thank you," Dick said. He watched as she returned to her position standing near the MC guys. "We asked you if you had ever had a set of cold lips on your cock and we asked you if you had ever had sex with the body of a dead woman, you answered . . ."
"Yes," Tig said without a trace of embarrassment.
Dick opened in the envelope, pulled out the piece of paper from it and studied it for a dramatic moment.
"Well, it's good news bad news for you Tig, Bad news—you did not tell the truth. The good news—you aren't a sex pervert."
"I swear I told the truth," Tig shouted. "I do have sex with dead bodies. I have a couple of selfies in my phone."
Once more there were low unhappy rumblings among SAMCRO. They couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. They just knew they were pretty damned unhappy with the way this show was going. If Luann wasn't running the show, it would have gotten violent.
"Happy, you're next."
Emotions didn't often register on Happy's face, but he did allow a flicker of surprise cross his face before resuming his customary blank expression.
"Come on audience," Dick said, "give him some encouragement."
The audience clapped and Happy, a muscle twitching in his jaw, got up reluctantly and sat on the blue sofa.
"I didn't take a lie detector test because that's like ratting on yourself. I never rate. I fucking hate rats," Happy said.
Everyone in the audience laughed.
"We didn't give you a lie detector test. We gave you a special type of test—a DNA test."
Happy gave Dick a dark, murderous look.
"I never gave you my DNA."
"Of course you didn't," Dick said easily. "We collected it from a cigarette butt you threw on the ground just like the TV show Forensic Files."
Happy looked like he might wrap his hands around Dick's neck and choke him to death.
"There are seven babies here that you might have fathered."
Luann cued an unseen assistant who sent pictures to the three monitors on the lime green three rooms with babies. One screen showed three babies that looked like they were only a few months old sleeping in cribs peacefully. A second screen showed two babies one six months old and another four months old screaming and crying faces bright red with anger. The last screen showed a baby boy and girl each about nine months old throwing toys across a room while screaming.
"We used the DNA to determine if you are the father of any or all of these babies."
"I always use a condom," Happy said smugly.
"You re-use condoms. Destroys their usefulness," Dick retorted equally smug.
An expression crossed Happy's face. It might have been concern, but with Happy it was hard to tell.
"Could the mothers of the babies come on stage?"
Seven women came up on stage. Three were former croweaters, two were small time porn stars who had done a couple of scenes in Luann's movies and two Happy didn't remember.
The woman talked about how they were each with Happy and were certain based on date of conception that Happy was the father. Happy sat on the couch appearing stunned into silence.
"Ima may I have the results envelope please."
Ima walked across the stage for the final time and handed the envelope to Dick.
"All right in the case of Poppy's baby, Happy you are the father."
Dick continued to read the results. They were all the same—Happy had fathered seven babies all under a year old.
Happy was in shock. He was always mindful of excessive spending. Paying child support for seven kids would cost him a small fortune every month. This was his biggest nightmare!
Damn the false economy of reusing condoms! He was really screwed now. Son of a bitch. He was pretty sure that at least some of them said they were on the pill. He was also sure that one of the porn stars said she had an EUD or something like that and couldn't get pregnant. He thought a porn star would know how to not get pregnant. Can't trust any of the bitches.
"We're all coming after you for child support," one of them said in a taunting voice to Happy.
A hush descended over the audience. Finding out the guys lied was one thing but for someone to find out they had seven kids all at once bordered on the tragic.
Suddenly the man who gave the guys the lie detector tests appeared with a dolly with three cases of assorted condoms on it including some magnum sized for Jax.
"Hey guys," the man said cheerfully. "I'm Bobby Harris and I'm not a lie detector expert and I don't know if you were lying or not. It was all part of my new prank show. To show you there's no hard feelings, we're gifting you with three cases of condoms. You won't have to reuse condoms again for a day or two Happy."
"I find buying a box at a time at the convenience store keeps me humble," Jax said to Opie. "That's why I don't buy them by the case."
"You humble?" Opie asked chuckling.
"What about the paternity test results?" Happy demanded.
"All fake. The babies are just random babies that we filmed."
"Get him," Clay yelled.
SAMCRO got out of their chairs with such force the chairs fell over. Happy was closest to the guy and he was feeling very not happy over this asshole's prank. He was going to beat the living shit out of the guy.
Luann hadn't really planned out this next part of the show. She hadn't thought through how SAMCRO might react.
"Quick go help Bobby," Luann ordered the camera crew. "Go," she said to other members of the production team.
It quickly descended into a giant brawl with Luann's staff fighting the Sons. Punches and kicks were flying. Of course the Sons were used to fighting and it didn't take long before all of Luann's employees were collapsed on the ground. Somehow Bobby managed to escape with only a black eye, broken nose and a few cracked ribs.
Ima didn't escape the mayhem. The top of her turquoise tube dress got yanked down. Seeing Ima's breasts wouldn't be a new sight only she'd given herself a little boost with silicone pads in her bra so she'd look more voluptuous. One of the pads fell out exposing the source of Ima's enhanced bust. She grabbed it and quickly stuffed it back in her bra to Tara and Donna's amusement. It was possibly the first time in Ima's life that she was embarrassed.
Luann was forced by the Sons to destroy the tape. There were rumors that there was one copy on Juice's hard drive that the MC kept, but no one would confirm it. She scrapped her plans for her adult oriented prank show.
It wasn't a complete loss for SAMCRO. They got three cases of condoms and Happy vowed to never re-use condoms again.
Jax continued to stay humble by buying his box of magnum sized condoms from the convenience store.