When you lose someone you love the first months are the hardest. You have to deal with birthdays, holidays, and in my case preparing for the upcoming field experience. He should be here I thought. He should be with me and Eddie and we should be talking about how nervous we are. I still am nervous but all of my nerves are mixed with guilt. I am the reason he's dead, and now I get to move on and possibly become a Guardian without him. Today is my last day of training sessions before the assembly, where we find out who we will be guarding. I knew this was going to be an easy test for me, especially with the bond. I sighed and finally got out of bed. I looked at the clock that read 5:00pm and cursed the world for making me get up this early.
I looked out the window and smiled a tiny bit as the sun was still slightly out. I missed running on a human schedule. I loved the sun and rarely saw it anymore. I grabbed a workout outfit and headed to the bathroom. I showered and brushed my hair up into a high ponytail. I decided on a pair of black workout leggings and a blood red tank top. I felt a sting in my heart as I remembered how I used to be so excited for these sessions. I used to walk into the gym and see a sexy russian reading a book on the matts. I missed him so much and I wondered why I hadn't even heard from him after Spokane. I needed him and he knew that. I was kidnapped, made my first kills, and lost my best friend. He chose to Guard Tasha.
He doesn't love you that's why, my head reminded me. I loved him though, so much. I wondered why I wasn't good enough. What had I done for him to abandon me when I needed him the most? I pictured him wrapping his arms around me and smelling his aftershave. I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I let a tear fall down my face but I quickly wiped it away. I had to get going before I was late. I walked into the gym and saw the red hair and dreaded this morning instantly. I never get used to the fact that Janine, my mother, was Lissa's Guardian. I also haven't gotten used to the fact that she was also training me.
"Good you're here." She stated. She was setting up some dummies to practice staking. I didn't really need to practice that I thought to myself darkly.
"I don't have much of a choice." I said matter-of-factly. Janine walked over and grabbed two wooden practice stakes.
"Your field experience is in a couple of days." She said, ignoring my comment. I was slightly annoyed at the amount of reminders I keep getting from everyone about it. I knew she had not meant it that way but I was irritable. "I figured we could go over staking and sparring to prepare you." Janine had been more of a mother to me in the last three weeks than she had been my whole life. I knew it was because of Spokane and probably how fragile I was. I hated everyone seeing me that way but I knew it was true. It was like I had lost two people,the love of my life and one of my best friends. So for the next hour and a half we went over basic staking techniques and sparring techniques. We even sparred with the stakes, Janine taking on the role of the Strigoi. I felt a bit of triumph when my wooden stake hit her chest plate and I had made the "kill". I smiled for a half of a second before the image of my best friend dead filled my head. I saw the strigois head laying there, while Mason laid cold on the ground. I hadn't realised I was staring off until Janine was calling my name. "Rose? Are you alright?" She asked. I saw a hint of worry in her eyes as she stared at me.
"Yeah. I am just nervous about the Experience." I said, avoiding her gaze. "Rose you have to stay focused. Just because you made a kill doesn't mean you can stop concentration. There could be more around you had missed. A second of focus lost can cost you your life." I flinched and she realised what I was thinking. She looked down not saying anything. She took a deep breath and looked back up at me again. "It's okay to miss him. What isn't okay is to let that get in the way of your duties." She said softly. I knew my mother was right. Life had to go on and I had to find a way to deal with that outside of my upcoming duties. I decided not to say anything and I left without another word. I could feel that Lissa was awake and I got pulled into her head. She was talking to Christian about the damn field Experience. I could feel her excitement through the bond. "It's going to be six weeks of us hanging out." Lissa said happily. "I feel like it will be good for us since she's been so distant. I'm worried about her, she seems different lately."
"Give her time Liss, she just lost a good friend and her mom is around full time now. I'm sure she is still adjusting to that. She is Rose though, she will be fine." Christian said, comforting her. I felt a pang in my heart that Fireboy cared about me. I knew he did but it always caught me by surprise. I was thankful Lissa had him. I knew he would always protect her and since he wielded the fire element that he would be very useful. I pulled out of her head. They were walking to the feeders so I decided to get ready and head that way. I first checked for any darkness and pushed the slightest bit out of her and I felt cold. I felt more sadness than I did before but I tried to ignore it. It was hard though when I felt like sobbing until I couldn't anymore. I usually would stop at the cafe before meeting up with Lissa but I wasn't feeling very hungry so I just went to find her.
Just outside the feeders I saw the two of them walking out. I waved towards them and she smiled and rushed towards me. "I cannot wait until the assembly tomorrow. It's going to be six whole weeks of girl time." I smiled at how excited she was and I had to admit I was also excited. "I hope that it all goes well though, I've been having trouble focusing." I said looking down. I could feel her sending calming vibes through the bond. It helped a little but didn't settle the uneasy feeling in my stomach. "Rose your a kickass fighter, you will do great.'' I laughed at her swearing. It sounded almost foreign on her tongue. We walked to classes together and broke off. "I'll see you later Rose. Seriously, you are more dedicated than anyone I know. It will all be okay." I nodded and walked to my Guardian theory class. The rest of the day went by in a daze. I walked to my dorm feeling overwhelmed by everything. My mother being here, mason dying, dimitri leaving me at the resort. I put on some pajamas and cried my heart out. I was shaking and I felt like my world was crashing down.
I felt this weird sense of numbness I have never felt before. Flashes of Lissa when we first came back cutting herself came to me. I knew it was wrong and I knew I was being stupid but, I didnt care. I grabbed the blade from a pencil sharpener and made jagged cuts along my thighs. I couldn't believe what I had just done but I grabbed some toilet paper and stopped the bleeding. I threw them in the trash and let sleep take me away from the world.