A/N:

Um, I planned this to be around 1k.

So naturally, it's almost 6k.

First, the tag says hurt/comfort but this probably counts as just hurt. Secondly, this is strictly not a Bakugou/Midoriya fic.

Trigger Warnings: Suicide (graphic, from outsider's POV), bullying (from the bully's POV), anger management issues, trauma, shock, swearing, panic attacks, guilt, blood, PTSD, death.

I did my best to cover all the triggers, and I apologize if I missed some. Please let me know if I did and I'll add it as soon as possible.

Also, due to the main themes of this story, I want to let you know that I do not support any of the behaviors listed above. If you and/or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, bullying, and/or any behavior that might affect their life negatively, please reach out. You're important, and what you're going through matters. Your life matters, and you're not alone even if you feel like it. No matter how bad it seems, even if you feel like it's the worst it can get – please don't give up.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline for the United States: 1-800-273-8255

Don't forget: You do matter.

Katsuki hates many things.

He hates not being the best, and he hates it when people try to steal the spotlight he deserves. He hates it when a certain someone acts like he's better than him, despite looking all innocent and oblivious. He hates how he dares to try and sabotage his dreams when he doesn't even have a quirk. He hates-

"Deku!" he says with a bite in his words. He snatches a notebook from a certain green-haired boy's hands, stopping him dead in his tracks. "We're not done talking yet."

Deku slowly looks up to face him, his eyes wide with horror. Katsuki can't help but feel bad for a moment, but he quickly drowns all his guilt under the pleasure of being able to have that effect on someone.

Even better when that someone is Deku.

"Katsuki, what's that?" Two of his classmates ask as steps closer, pointing at the notebook he's holding. Katsuki glares at him for a short moment for using his first name but doesn't comment on it. Instead, he shows it to them with a smirk on his face, not tearing his eyes away from Deku's stupid face and cheeks lit up from embarrassment – not even for a moment.

"Huh? 'Hero Analysis for the Future'?" asks one of them, his voice getting higher with each word like he's trying not to laugh.

The other doesn't even bother with holding his snort back. "Man, seriously?"

"Midoriya…" says the first one with a mock-disapproving voice, a quiet laugh hidden behind it.

Deku takes a sharp breath and keeps staring at his notebook as if he can get it back with his glare. 'Or maybe he thinks this is his fucking quirk,' Katsuki thinks to himself as he chuckles silently, 'desperate loser.'

Deku hastily stands up, somehow looking even more embarrassed than he was before. "Isn't it enough?" he asks with a wobbly voice. "Just give it back."

Katsuki stares dead in his eyes for a moment, his grin getting wider. He lifts the book to eye level and blasts it under Deku's hurtful gaze, accompanied by a silent oh. He almost shoves the notebook into the nerd's eye, his eyes glinting with malice.

"That's mean…" Deku mutters and almost screams when Katsuki throws the notebook out of the window. He laughs at his pathetic face and expression; does he really think that he can become a hero? When he's scared of his shadow? When he doesn't have a quirk? When doesn't try to fight back?

Fucking pathetic.

Katsuki doesn't really know why he minds Deku that much, it's obvious that someone as weak as him won't be accepted to UA. He knows that the damned idiot doesn't have what it takes to be a hero – he doesn't even have a quirk. He knows that Deku won't create any inconveniences. He knows that he doesn't matter.

Then why, why does he care?

Maybe… maybe it's because deep down he also knows the fire in his eyes is almost as bright as his.

Or were.

Bakugou Katsuki is a liar.

As simple as that. Or it would've been, if the whole situation wasn't the entire opposite.

Because deep down, he knows that Deku does have what it takes to be a hero. Even when they get dimmer day by day ("Why?", Katsuki wants to ask while he's holding him from his collar, "dammit, why?"), his eyes hold a certain fire in them – at least when he isn't facing Katsuki. Even after everything he did, he knows for a fact that Deku will run to his help without thinking for a moment. He fucking knows that he doesn't deserve it, but that's what heroes do. And although Deku will never become a pro hero, he has at least half of what it takes to be one.

Just because he knows that doesn't mean that he wants to accept it, though.

Growing up, one of the things he took most pride in was his honesty. Sometimes he hurt people with how blunt he was, sometimes he withheld information – but he never, never outright lied. Not everyone trusted him with having their back (not that Katsuki gives a fuck anyway), but everyone trusted him to tell the truth – no matter what.

They still do. Only that this time, he isn't sure he deserves it. Not when he has been lying to himself for years. His life feels like a fever dream, in which he has a few moments of lucidness here and there. The crashing guilt washes over him in those moments; he remembers how tired he is of being the best in every goddamned thing. Then the dream continues, the lies take over again.

Just like it does now. Because-

He's not a bully, he's just telling Deku the truth.

"Most top first-string heroes have stories about them from their school days," he says with a calm he doesn't quite feel after what feels like hours – his smirk carefully placed back on his face. "I want the shine of being able to be called the only student to make it into U.A. from this mediocre city junior high school. I mean, I'm a perfectionist."

One of the extras next to him whispers something he can't quite hear, but he really doesn't care so it's not that big of a deal. There is more important shit he has to deal with right now – like how he's sailing way too close to the wind for his liking. As always happens when he's with Deku. Katsuki would be the first to admit he isn't the calmest person one can meet, but he gets even more furious in Deku's presence. He tends to lash out more; things he doesn't really mean slip out with an amount of rage he knows even he isn't capable of feeling. And now the situation is too delicate for his comfort that he can practically see the line he shouldn't cross. Because even though he does mean what he said, he didn't quite mean to say them with such venom.

Maybe he's exaggerating, but it's almost like there's a beast in him. Katsuki knows it's sleeping right now, but he also knows that it won't last much longer. And when it wakes up, it'll take over and his vision with blood red, and then black. He'll yell, belittle, and then act like nothing happened.

That's who he is.

He knows that he should leave; that's more than enough for one day – and the teary eyes of Deku started making him sick because when did Katsuki become so much of a fucking asshole how can someone be so pathetic?

A sudden wave of rage and fury hits him when he keeps looking at Deku – his cheeks red from embarrassment, his eyes teary but unnaturally and carefully blank, his head down. For a split second, he thinks that he's angry at the idiot for being this weak-willed and broken, but-

But then he remembers how strong-willed he used to be.

He remembers who broke him.

The thought doesn't give him satisfaction this time, nor does it make him sad. Deku had it coming for a long time, especially with how he kept defying him and not accepting that he is better

But that doesn't mean he's furious.

He barely notices how fast his breathing is, just like he doesn't remember going to the idiot's side – just like he definitely doesn't remember putting his hand on his shoulder. Katsuki feels dread forming in the pit of his stomach, but it quickly gets washed over by the dark, angry red. He can feel how Deku trembles under his hand; their faces are so close that he can practically feel his ragged breath on his face.

With anyone else, Katsuki would feel annoyed and embarrassed – but he would leave and that would be it. With Deku, however, he doesn't feel an ounce of these. He just hears the thudding sound filling his ears, he just sees red.

He feels red.

When the scent of the smoke reaches his nose, his vision clears a bit and he notices how hot his hand is. He's too numb to be horrified about whatthefuckI'mdoingIneverwentthisfardammitwhatshappening – but he has the energy to stop and close his eyes in regret for a brief second. "So, anyway," he hears someone saying with a false-sweet voice, and notices that it's his voice after a few moments. He bites his tongue, swearing under his breath. Shut the fuck up already. Deku gapes but doesn't try to escape from his grip.

Do it, fucking go away!

Katsuki is so sure he will say something he'll regret for weeks that his own words catch him by surprise. "Don't apply to U.A., nerd."

What?

He is so relieved that almost lets out a sigh of relief at what he just said. That was… okay; at least it wasn't bad, he didn't lash out this time, didn't let his rage get the best of him.

Mostly.

Katsuki leaves Deku next to the window, frozen with fear. He quickly takes his bag from the ground, and looks around to see his classmates. Only then he notices that the damned extras have already left, leaving him alone with the nerd. He quickly shakes his head as anger fills him once again, refusing to give in this time. Dragging his feet while walking to the door, he can't quite hide the frown on his face.

Why does he still feel angry?

He glances at Deku for a split second, seeing that he still hasn't moved. His frown only deepens – because even though he never fights back, the nerd always gets away from him as quickly as possible.

Not this time, though.

This time, Deku stares after him with that blank eyes from before – doing a fucking great job if he's trying to make him uneasy. He is outright staring at the idiot right now, Katsuki notices absentmindedly. Not that he cares.

He looks for a trace of the familiar defiance, the familiar fire in them. He couldn't help but feel like Deku was fighting back every time he looked into his eyes before, even though he never bothered to actually fi-

Realization hits him like a train.

He staggers back for a moment, inhaling sharply. The nerd finally meets his eyes, and Katsuki expects to see resentment there, hate, anger, rage, hurt, anything – fucking anything.

He cares about Deku – not in a friendly way, definitely not, but he always saw him as an opponent, someone to overcome. He never got the chance to leave him behind, because the nerd was smart enough not to give him. He never fought back, not in a visible way. But Katsuki knows that each time they talked got Deku closer and closer to snapping – so he kept pushing forward, just to see the defiance filling his eyes spreading to his soul. So that they would fight, and so that he would finally have the chance to win.

But Deku never gave in.

No.

He never bothered to give in; he never acted like he was someone worth his efforts and time. He never fucking stopped looking down on him – he never stopped looking down at him with those eyes. He never did his best against Katsuki,

But he at least did something.

Now, though, Deku's gaze is blank. Like he's not even worth that little bit of damned recognition anymore. Like he still fucking failed despite everything he did. Like he can't be bothered with him.

Like he's better than Katsuki.

Something breaks in him.

Then it explodes.

For a moment, he thinks that he sees black.

But then he notices, he doesn't see anything – he can just feel, and the only thing he feels is blind rage.

He sets the beast loose.

"You know if you really want to be a hero that badly, there's actually another way," he says with a mocking tone, startling both himself and Deku. A tiny part of his brain screams to him – he should shut up and go; the idiot knows his place now; he should just fucking leave.

Despite everything, Katsuki knows himself. He knows all his flaws. He knows that he doesn't think before he acts.

Nothing is different this time.

"Just pray that you'll be born with a quirk in your next life and take a swan dive off the roof of the building."

No.

Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono

He didn't mean that.

He didn't fucking mean that.

He wants to take every damned word back; he can't dare look at Deku's face. He tries to get rid of the overwhelming guilt and shame – goddamnit, why the hell did he say that? That was too far, that was too fucking far. Katsuki can feel the tension in the room intensifying, making it harder to breathe as the air gets heavier. After a few unbelievably long moments of only hearing the car horns' noises, he finally gathers the courage to turn his head around and say what he really thinks for the first fucking time in his years.

Because for the first time in years, Katsuki wants to apologize.

He opens his mouth. Then closes it.

"I- Deku…" he starts, or he thinks he does – his voice is so low that even he can't hear it. "I-"

"Okay."

Katsuki's breath hitches as his head snaps up and his eyes immediately find Deku. They flicker between the windowsill he's sitting on, the open window, and him.

"What?" he asks with a small voice, his limps suddenly numb. What the fuck does he mean by okay? Why is he that close to the window? Damnit, what the fuck is going on?

"I said, okay," Deku repeats, sounding almost robotic. "You're right, maybe that's the only thing to do. Maybe I should take the chance," he continues, his voice getting slightly hysterical and higher than usual.

Katsuki can feel panic spreading in his body, running through his veins. He raises his hands in a way he hopes is reassuring, and takes a small step in his direction. "De- Izuku-" he starts, the name sounding weird in his mouth. He definitely shouldn't be relieved that Deku interrupts him again, not in this situation – but he is, much to his shame.

He doesn't have a clue about what to do, especially with Deku.

"No, no- you don't have to act like you regret saying it," he says with a rueful smile, and if it was from literally anyone else – he might have thought that the person is mocking him. But not now, not when he's looking at his completely honest face. Panic rises in him as tries to think of what to say, something along the lines of I'm so fucking sorry I promise I'll leave you alone now please please please don't do what I think you're going to do-

"You're fucking kidding me right now, right?" he asks before he can stop himself. "What the hell do you think this is, a joke?" He lets out a shaky laugh, wildly gesturing at both of them. He lets out another laugh, this time unbelieving. "You- you almost got me there. Fuck, I'll admit it – for a second I really thought you would do it. But I know, I know you shithead, I know you don't have the courage for that – you don't even fight back against me and you actually thought I would believe you would jump. Are you really that stupid?"

Katsuki is almost panting when he finishes, and he notices that his fists are clenched. He tries to force himself to relax. He knows that he's right, that Deku is not serious about all this. He just wanted revenge, that's all. He wouldn't do something like… that. But the nerd says nothing, just as he didn't when he lashed out – he simply glares at him.

He doesn't know what to do, so he just glares back. After what feels like years, Deku's face slowly breaks into a smile, his eyes shining. For a split second, Katsuki feels like smiling because the light is finally back – but then he notices that something is wrong.

Terribly wrong.

The light isn't coming from his eyes; they are just reflecting it. This is not defiance, not a sign of fighting back, and most definitely not fire.

Those are fucking tears.

This wouldn't have bothered him – he had seen the nerd cry millions of times; it's not a big deal.

Then why grip on his heart hasn't eased even a bit?

"Yeah, you're right, Kacchan," he says, scratching the back of his neck with an embarrassed laugh. "I don't know what I was thinking, you're a lot smarter than that." When he saw his red cheeks, Katsuki almost believes him.

Keyword: almost. He could've believed him if he couldn't see his puffy eyes colored in the same shade.

"Deku- I…" he starts, observing Deku's face very carefully. He can swear that there's something weird, something unnatural in his eyes before it quickly disappears. "Whatever," he mutters as he gets out of the class with the nerd right behind him.

Walking down the hallway, he can't help but think about what the fuck just happened. He knows it's a joke, a lie – Deku himself told him that with a big smile plastered on his face. He has nothing to worry about; he doesn't even have a fucking idea why he is worried about him. Except…

Isn't there a bit of truth in every lie?

Can he really call it a smile, when there were tears threatening to fall?

Snapping out of his thoughts, Katsuki decides to swallow his pride for once. He is going to find someone to talk with Deku; maybe he can tell Mrs. Midoriya – yeah, that sounds good. He suddenly comes to a halt when he notices that he can no longer hear the footsteps behind him.

Now he thinks of it, he hasn't heard them for the last thirty seconds or so.

Panic washes all over him.

Rationally, Katsuki knows that he might've just left, not wanting to stay in his company any longer. Which is great, because he isn't really fond of the idiot anyway.

But he is not the rational type.

Not at all.

When he finds himself running to the rooftop with all his energy as if his life depended on it, he isn't surprised in the slightest.

He's worried. And angry. Not at Deku, but himself.

He tries to swallow back the bile of guilt and shame, hoping that he's wrong and being an idiot. He hopes that he's reading too much into it, and tries to ignore the hot waves in his eyes. But deep down…

Deep down he knows. He knows where Deku has gone.

He quickens his pace.

When the icy autumn wind finally hits him in the face like a whip, Katsuki doesn't care that much. When the sight of Deku standing at the edge of the roof hits him in the face like a slap…

Katsuki cares so fucking much that he forgets how to breathe.

With a dreading feeling, he watches as the boy smiles like he finally found peace. He knows that he's late in an instant when their eyes meet and Deku beams at him. He knows that he's late when he notices the twenty meters of distance between them.

Most importantly, Katsuki knows that he's late when Deku takes a step back and lets himself fall over the edge.

"NO!" A scream tears out of his throat as everything takes place in under half a second.

Everything is completely silent for a second, he could've even called it relaxing – if it didn't feel more like silence before the storm.

Then he hears the sickening crack.

Frozen in shock, he stands there, staring at where Deku stood what feels like a lifetime ago. He chokes back a sob as he bites his hand, his head dizzy and vision blurry. He doesn't know what should he do. He doesn't even know what can he do. He closes his eyes in an attempt to calm himself but he can't because hejumpedandnowhemightbedeadandallofit'sKatsuki'sfaultandhecan'tbreathe-

He shakes his head violently, and he doesn't know if he's in denial or simply trying to clear his thoughts. His legs give in as he crumbles on the floor. He takes his head into his hands, letting the sobs get out. He knows he should calm down; he should keep his cool but it doesn't matter.

Because Deku jumped.

And Katsuki is the last person he talked to and he doesn't fucking deserve that and he doesn't deserve anything and he's a murderer and-

Fuck, he's a murderer.

Wait.

No.

Hell, fucking no – is that who he is right now? When did he become such a loser that he gives up immediately? Deku is alive, and he needs help. He needs his help.

He thinks of all the times Deku tried to help him as he gets himself together. He tries not to think all the times he rejected and told him that he didn't need his help – because he's scared of getting the same reaction. He's scared of seeing him without hope.

He's scared of seeing those empty eyes again.

But this is not about me, he tells himself as he takes his phone out of his pocket with trembling hands, almost dropping it in the process. The rooftop is around fifteen meters high, there's a chance that Deku isn't… gone and Katsuki won't waste it. He calls the paramedics and manages to tell them what just happened without breaking into sobs. When the call ends, he rushes to the edge of the roof with his quirk, and…

He jumps.

A difference between him and Deku is that he has a quirk, and Deku doesn't.

Another difference is that he is on his feet, unharmed – and Deku is laying on the ground, a pond of blood around him. Katsuki ignores the urge to puke at the sight, but he can't quite ignore his burning eyes. Biting his lip, he runs to the boy's side, hoping please be alive. He notices the weird state Deku's body is in when he comes closer; his legs and arms are turned in the wrong direction. He can feel the tears filling his sight once again but doesn't try to hold them back this time – simply because he knows he can't.

His legs all but give in to his weight as soon as he reaches his side. He closes his eyes for one second, all parts of his brain focused on one thought:

Please don't be dead.

He reaches for his neck with a shaking hand, but before he can search for a pulse, Deku's eyes snap open. Katsuki can swear some of his tears suddenly turn into tears of relief at this point, and he almost manages to let out a sigh between his heavy breathing.

"K-Kacchan?" comes the weak voice of Deku – and it has never been this beautiful, he can't help but think. He can't even understand why he thought it was annoying before – it's so calm and relieving that he almost lets out the sob he's holding back. His mind is racing and he isn't sure what to say; maybe he should ask Deku what the fuck he was thinking, or if he had lost his fucking mind.

"Hey, Deku," is all that comes out of his mouth when he can finally open it. Then words come out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"What the fuck do you think you were thinking – damn it, you can't go around and jump from rooftops you moron!" he yells, holding Deku's bloody jacket in his clenched fists. "And- and I called the paramedics, they will be here soon, okay? Just- just hold on."

Deku doesn't react, just stares at him like he's grown a second head before giving him a small smile. "Little," he forces out, "y-you remind m-me of wh-when we were l-little."

Katsuki knows what he's talking about.

He's talking about before he had his quirk, about when he would always fuss over Deku scraping his knees. He's talking about when they were good friends, about when they would always play together. He's talking about when they didn't leave each other alone, about when everything was simpler and easier.

I am sorry, he wants to say.

"T-thank you," Deku says before he can, and Katsuki is so surprised that he stops crying momentarily.

"What- what the fuck do you mean by thank you? Did you hit your head or something? Crap, you don't have a concussion, do you?" he asks as he hastily looks around Deku's head before he pushes his hand away.

Deku looks suspiciously like he is going to laugh at him but suddenly starts coughing. Katsuki looks around with panic as if someone is going to help him and tell him what to do – but he's alone in this. Quickly but gently holding his head with trembling hands, he puts it on his leg, getting it in a higher position than the rest of his body. A few agonizing seconds pass before Deku stops coughing, but what matters in the end is he does.

Still, he can't help but think maybe he should've just called a teacher – because he clearly isn't… enough for this. Then he quickly gets the idea out of his mind; he doesn't know if there's a teacher in school now, nor does he think they would be able to do something even if they were in school.

Deku snaps him out of his thoughts when he finally catches his breath. "I-I didn't know what to do," he says carefully, like he's trying to gather his thoughts, no longer shuttering. "Like, I mean I knew. But I didn't know how; more like I wasn't sure – but you showed me a way out, I guess."

Katsuki lets out a sharp and bitter laugh at that; is he fucking serious? Is he messing with him right now? He told him to kill himself and this idiot thanks him – he has his blood on his hands and this stupid, stupid nerd thanks him. "I almost killed you," he says slowly, as if he's talking to a five-year-old. His voice sounds robotic and numb to his ears – but what he feels is the complete opposite.

He feels overwhelmed.

He's scared, shocked, sad, guilty, and ashamed. He's angry. Angry at himself for being such an asshole, for saying all these things. Angry at Deku because he is thanking him when he should be shouting and telling Katsuki that he hopes he dies with him.

"It's not your fault," Deku says instead, his voice firm even though it's getting weaker by each word (Katsuki doesn't want to think about it; he doesn't want to think about how scared he is), his hard glare meeting his. "I-I had th-that in m-mind for a long time – and I w-was so ti-tired, y-you know?" he continues, (He started shuttering again, he notes) chewing on his bloody lip thoughtfully.

His breath gets heavier at the revelation; what Deku said is a big problem, yes – but he can't help but feel sick about the fact that Deku said it like it is supposed to be relieving.

It's not. It's the opposite of relieving.

"S-so, yeah. I d-don't blame y-you, I'm g-grateful," he finishes awkwardly.

Katsuki takes a deep breath and does everything in his power not to tell him to shove your gratefulness up your ass and fucking blame me.

"You can't go around saying shit like that, not when we both know it's fucking bullshit! Like the hell get to be grateful about this. You know it's my fault; I know it's my fault – okay? I'll get your ass to the hospital, then you'll be well and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible," he practically yells into the boy's face.

Deku opens his mouth but chokes on his blood, making Katsuki's run cold. "Y-you c-care?" he asks as if he hasn't even listened to the rest. "'S nice." His voice is small, so small that he practically has to be in his face to hear it. He lets out a shaky laugh, trying to stop the sobs threatening to get out.

He fails miserably.

"Of course I do you idiot – just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you like-" he gestures all over Deku's body with his trembling hand, the boy in question watching him with half-lidded eyes, "that. Fuck, Deku what the hell were you thinking? Why didn't you… Hell, I don't know – talk to someone? Why did you let someone as fucking stupid as me get into your head? You know I didn't, right? I- I didn't mean it – I swear I didn't mean it." His voice is soft, so soft that he doesn't remember the last time he was that gentle. He doesn't look at Deku's face before he keeps talking; there's something important he has to say.

I am sorry.

"And I want you to know that I am… D-Deku?" His mouth suddenly snaps shut when notices that he can't feel or hear his heartbeat, his eyes widening in shock. He shakes his head in denial, no – that isn't right; that isn't how it's supposed to be. His heart is supposed to be beating, right?

Nonononononononononononononononononononononononnononononononononononnonononononononononono

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! Goddamnit!" he roars, holding Deku's shirt so tightly that his knuckles whiten. He runs a shaky hand through his hair, getting blood all over it.

Blood.

There's so much blood. All over Deku, the ground, his nose is filled with the scent of it – his world is full of red, but this time it's real. It's not in his head, not about what he feels. It's real, and it's about what Izuku felt. It's about the blood that's everywhere; it's about the blood over him.

It's about the blood in his hands.

His frantic eyes linger all over his body as he keeps pulling his hair like he's trying to tear it. Taking in an unsteady breath, he moves one of his arms as slowly as he can as if Deku is asleep and can wake up if he acts too fast.

As if he's going to wake up again.

He knows, he knows what's happening – but he doesn't want to because he can't take it, his mind is overdrive and he can't take it anymore and he can't feel Izuku's heartbeat because he's gone and not breathing and suddenly Katsuki can't breathe too and maybe it's because he's going to die here with him and-

Katsuki. Can't. Fucking. Breathe.

He lets out an ear-piercing sound – too high to be a scream and too inhumane to be a sob. Holding his collar with one hand, he tries to loosen his tie. He reaches to Izuku's wrist with tears of pain and something much rawer, much more intense cloud his vision. He waits and waits and waits; he waits to feel the throbbing, feel anything that means Izuku is alive.

Nothing.

There's nothing.

He can feel his airways closing even more, his vision darkening – but not because of rage, unlike the other times. He can't breathe, and the sobs won't stop, and Izuku isn't responding – why the fuck isn't he responding?

"Don't you dare fucking die on me Deku!" he screams into the boy's face, and suddenly he's able to breathe – but he can still feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, mixing with blood. Izuku's blood. "Godfuckingdamnit, don't you dare!" he keeps yelling even when his voice gets hoarse and raspy, even when it mixes his sobs. "Get the hell up, you fucker!" he yells again, sounding more and more desperate with each word.

Izuku doesn't get up.

"P-please," he pleads, "please wake up, please."

Izuku doesn't wake up either.

Katsuki embraces him as tightly as he can and something inside him shatters. He buries his face into his chest and sobs until he can't breathe, blood filling up his nose. He doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't matter what Izuku said.

All of this is his fault.

If he had done one goddamned thing differently, Izuku would be alive.

He would be alive if he was a few seconds early. He would be alive if Katsuki didn't mess with him all these years. He would be alive if he didn't choose him as his opponent. He would be alive if he hadn't shut him out every time he tried to get close. He would be alive if he kept being the friend he promised to be when they were little.

All he does is to hug what's left of Izuku tighter when he feels a new wave of tears hitting him. He can't breathe. He doesn't know if it's because of the tears rolling down his cheeks or the pain drowning him or how much of a fuck-up he is or-

If only he didn't tell him to jump.

He's responsible for this. It's his fault that Izuku is laying in his arms, perfectly still. It's his fault that he won't have the chance to make his dreams come true. It's his fault that Izuku is the one dead and he's the one alive.

Katsuki looks up for a moment and just stares at the sky, wondering if Izuku is really up there right now. Then he looks down and lets his eyes linger on Izuku's body, trying to take in all his features in, knowing that they won't stay like that much longer.

He realizes with a jolt that Izuku no longer looks peaceful; he looks… sad. He looks like he's grieving the fact that there's no turning back now, that there's no chance to fix or change anything – not anymore.

He looks like how Katsuki feels.

The only difference is that Katsuki isn't sure if he has the right to feel this way when he has his blood on his hands. He can't drown his guilt under his pleasure this time, not when there isn't a drop of pleasure but an ocean filled with guilt – not when he's holding Izuku's cold body in his arms.

Instead, his guilt drowns him as a heart-wrenching scream rips from his throat.

Later that day, he tries to wash the blood off, tears sliding down his face even though he can't feel anything. He rubs his hands harshly with the soap as if he's trying to peel the skin off – he does it for minutes; he does it until he can't feel them.

"Katsuki, baby, what are you doing?" His mother's uncharacteristically gentle voice startles him. He stops trying to scrub the blood off for a second. Turning his head in her direction, Katsuki tries to hold back his tears but they don't obey him, unlike his hands.

He looks at her, his face completely straight except for the tears as he raises his bloody hands. "The blood, i- it won't come off," he says, his voice cracking at several points. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, but it has the complete opposite effect as he feels a sob rising in his throat, and his face crumbles. "Mom, it won't come off," he repeats, begging her to do something, anything.

Bakugou Mitsuki can do nothing but embrace his son as he keeps washing his perfectly clean hands.

A/N:

I actually started writing this because I was trying to understand what the actual fuck was going on in Bakugou's head when he told Deku to commit suicide. I mean, I can't believe he just said it without feeling guilty at all. Firstly because I can't believe anyone can say that and be fine - and secondly because the series prove that Bakugou isn't heartless. He's a huge asshole, yes - but not heartless. So I was going to follow canon and all, but somehow I found myself writing this.

Typical.

Also, I'm in no way trying to excuse Bakugou's words or actions. I'm simply trying to understand him and see how he would react if he had understood that his actions have consequences.

So yes he's basically a guinea pig I'm experimenting on