A/N: Hi there! I've been reading fan fiction for a while but never took the leap and published something of my own. After a year of a pandemic, I figured it was a good time to try something new. Some story like this has been rattling around in my head for a long time. I have an idea where I want it to go already and I have a few chapters written out. I hope you enjoy and I appreciate feedback!
Prologue
Ana
March 2017
I stare out at the water, my knees curled into my chest as I lean my head against the window. The coolness of the glass distracts me from the sinking feeling in my chest. Still, I'm restless. I reach for my phone to check the time. 3:41 AM. He'll be landing in a few hours.
The memories of when that knowledge used to bring me contentment and anticipation instead of adding another fifty pounds to the weight permanently sitting on my chest feel so old. As if there's anything to anticipate now… you probably won't even see him. Being married to Christian Grey hadn't come with the warning label that within five years, you'd be living like an island. Side effects may include being punished with silence, absence, and indifference.
GEH had always been larger than life, but once they had begun pushing to become the greenest corporation on the planet with a goal of complete carbon neutrality, naturally the man behind it all needed to be at the forefront of it. Controlling as ever. But he was brilliant, a global leader, and I couldn't have been prouder of him. I was always in awe of the grandiosity of his ideas.
So I supported him, and I kept busy too. I spent quality time with the kids to distract them from missing their father. Grey Publishing had room for expansion too, and I threw myself into that. At first, though of course I missed him, there was at least a light at the end of the tunnel. He always got a bit wrapped up in a new project and had some late nights in the beginning, but I had no reason to think this wouldn't be temporary.
But the long weeks turned into long months. The occasional missed dinner and business trip became dinner once a week if I was lucky and seeing his children on a phone screen more often than not. Icarus was flying too close to the sun and I didn't understand how it could be that my once-loving husband couldn't be bothered to even text me at the end of the day.
Eventually, I gathered some clues. The appearance of beautiful brunette new hires at Grey House. The events I was told my attendance wasn't needed at. The cold, blank stare as I ask him if we'll be able to have family time with the kids anytime soon, or God forbid, just the two of us. The distraction, the ever-present buzzing of his phone no matter what we were doing. The side of the bed that's always still made. The call that finally goes through to the other side of the world after a full day of trying.
His chilled words still echo in my head.
"What do you want from me, Anastasia? I'm trying to change the world. It's not about you. I thought you'd understand that."
"I… I just…"
I just miss you. It died on my lips as the line clicked and went silent.
That was my last attempt at telling him how I felt, six months ago. And maybe he was right. Who was I to stand in the way of his goals? We only have one life, and he should spend it doing what gives him fulfillment
That clearly isn't you.
I draw in a shaky breath and let it out, watching it fog up the glass. Well, I only have one life too. And I didn't ask for this.
The kids will be awake in a few hours. I pick myself up off the floor and silently make my way into the music room, pulling out a notebook hidden amongst one of the shelves. Leaning over the piano, I hum and write. It's all I know how to do anymore.
As much as I know I love him, as much as I want him to have everything he dreams of, I know that in the process of trying to give him that, I'm losing my grip on myself. And I know that if I keep this up, my children are in for a mother who only has lifeless eyes and fake smiles. I know it doesn't have to be like this. The man I thought I married has left the building. Starting today, I can't and I won't keep living like this.
But I know that it hurts too much to go there right now. I take one more deep breath and bring my pencil back to the paper and my fingers to the piano.
I go somewhere else for a while...