DK reached into the yellow backpack and withdrew the navigation rod. He pointed it skyward. Lightning from the purple clouds descended and struck the rod.

DK's grasp was so bloody accurate. He absorbed the shock waves like a flattered peanut butter jar.

"Nice moves, DK!" Diddy laughed as he chomped on his turkey cutlet. Each morsel was more consistent than the last. It was akin to the law of inertia.

"Totally, dude!" added Funky as he bro'd out with the best of 'em. His funky life was funkier than anything Bruce Willis ever did.

As the lightning took over DK's righteous spinal cord, he began to grow several more arms, at least 20 more than usual. He used them to clamber dutifully.

Cranky overheard the ruckus of the millennial fiends and charged outside with his ab machine.

"DK! You numbskull! Do not clamber!" roared the grandpa ape guy. He cranked the ab machine to its overdrive and the power of abs overwhelmed DK.

DK growled at the ab overcoming his beautiful life. He quickly rammed a cheese stick into the tree branches and propelled his might like a late-night Johnny Carson special.

"This is just like that time in the old west..." muttered Diddy as he recalled the cinematic classic known as Rango.

"This is what separates the dudes from the dude-nots..." said Funky, funkily. He angrily grabbed a bow and arrow and used sick archery strats to shoot DK's tush off.

DK then realised his batoot had fallen off. It landed with a thud upon the green, grassy ground that was lush and verdant.

"My dear caboose..." mused DK aloud. He slid down the tree, tightly clenching the cheese stick betwixt his hunky teeth.

Candy walked by just as DK seized booty. "Omigosh!" she cried as she saw DK cradle the fallen flingmaker. Her eyes fired up with the ire and distress of a girlfriend. "I hate you, Donkey Kong! We are officially broken up for at least 85 minutes!"

"Bogus..." DK sighed as he looked down at his felled rear.

"Just be glad this isn't the other way around," said the bum. "Had you fallen, I would not have picked you up off the ground."

DK knew this to be true. After all, glutes are not as strong as manly biceps.

Diddy and Funky tracked down DK with their spyglasses and dug a hole into the ground. "Is it your burial, Donkey Dude?" asked the funk one.

DK nodded uneasily and dropped the butt into the pit. The pit wailed in agony like a Kid Icarus.

Diddy brandished his whip and lashed at the pit as it breathed deadly fire at the Kongs. "These flames are trying to consume our hopes and fortune!" Diddy noted with verbs in his left pocket. He shimmied with radiant grace and plugged the hole with a very astute banana bunch.

DK knew all about banana bunches and blessed it with his sacred eyelid. Funky peeled off the eyelid's decal and slapped it back on his model race car. "Taco cat, dude!" laughed the funkmeister. He did a little ditty in front of Little Diddy.

DK smiled and so did Diddy. They did a cool fistbump that rocked the banana trees to smithereens. Now there were glorious bananas everywhere!

"Did you do this?" Cranky called from atop his mechanical rooster.

DK looked back and forth from banana pile to banana pile. He looked back at Cranky and then did the approval thumb in upright fashion.

Cranky despised all words said with thumbs. He flew down and chopped off both of DK's thumbs with his razor-sharp beard. "Do not lie to me!"

DK whined about his thumbs and said Cranky's vest was outdated, ugly, and belonged in the trash alongside Rango. Diddy gasped, but knew DK was just overwhelmed with pure monkey emotion like the suns of the sky. Nobody actually hates Rango.

But Cranky did. The old man got offended and called the cops. They arrived and arrested DK's butt from the grave.

"We have been searching for this deadly crook for years," said the cops in sync, but not like that old boy band.

DK did the raging facepalm to his monkey forehead. "Oh-no!" he said violently to his lips through his teeth. "I cannot believe I never suspected he was the culprit of ultimate evil!"

"Maybe K. Rool was a good guy after all..." said Diddy sadly. He peeled back a banana and found a tiny elephant village within. His teeth checked out of his mouth indefinitely.

"Chill, Diddy Dude!" cried Funky. He smacked a coconut upside DK's left nostril. All of DK's nostrils fell off for the first time that day.

THE END