She walked along the river. Emily, Janine, and Alma were all with her. The sun was hidden behind clouds and June felt an aching heaviness pressing into her. Serena had the baby at the house. June didn't want to go back though the group was steadily making the journey to their respective houses. There was nothing for her there. Nothing except the four walls of her room. Confinement- the length was to be determined by Mrs. Waterford.

"Oh look! They're adding someone to the wall."

She doesn't want to look, but there is a force she cannot fight pulling her eyes upward.

Black shoes. Black pants. Black shirt. A noose.

Dark eyes that she knows so well fixed on hers.

The hood drops over his head.

A guardian pushes him forward.

"No!"

The sound of her scream startled June awake. The image of Nick hanging was still imprinted on her mind. Luke was beside her, arms wrapped tentatively around her shoulders. She wanted to shrug him off, but she didn't. She let him comfort her. He needed this- to feel like he was helping. And she shouldn't be afraid of this dream anymore. She had it every night. It always ended the same way.

Still…she never got used to it.

"June, it's okay. He can't get to you here. You're safe."

It was the same thing he said every night. She didn't tell him the words made her skin crawl. She didn't tell him that she wasn't afraid for herself. It would mean explaining- more than she wanted to anyway. So she made herself nod along, forced herself to slow her breathing. She laid back down in Luke's arms and willed herself not to pull away, not to squirm from the oppressive weight of his concern for her. She closed her eyes.

And as tears silently soaked her pillow, she pretended it was Nick's arms holding her so tightly.

She had gone back to the Waterford's after Emily and Holly drove away. She had never been more terrified in her life. Not even when they took Hannah. It was a different type of fear though. There were guardians everywhere, people searching the area to try and find her and the baby. But Nick's apartment was dark. And it was the only place she wanted to be in that moment.

Quietly, carefully, she made her way up the stairs over the garage. It had been too long since she had been there. She had missed the climb, missed being in a place she was truly wanted. She tested the door and it was open. With one last glance over her shoulder she slipped inside and shut the door. He wasn't there. She had already known that, but still… So she made her way into the bathroom to wait for him. Then she realized that if someone else came in they would find her easily. So she squeezed herself under his bed.

And soon enough she heard footsteps on the stairs outside. Not Nick's- they were too heavy to be Nick's. It was like her lungs froze as the door burst open. Black boots stomping inside. Bathroom door swinging open. They weren't looking for a person, she realized. They were looking for something else. Something that could put him on the wall. The mattress shifted above her as the guardian ran his hands under it looking for contraband. The surge of fear at how close to being found she was had her heart pounding painfully against her ribs.

And then it was over. The Guardian walked the room one more time before he left- door slamming behind him. And she was left alone. She didn't move. It was safer this way- in case someone came back. She would come out when Nick got home. They couldn't keep him for too much longer, could they? He hadn't even been in the house when it happened. That was the thought she held on to as the hours passed.

He didn't come home that night.

Holly was crying. She did that a lot.

Hannah had been such a calm baby- June had always said it was Luke's genes keeping her so chill. She had hoped it would be that easy with Holly, too. Nick was quieter than Luke any day. But it seemed that Holly had more of her mother in temperament than her father. Or she missed him.

Maybe it was just June who missed him.

Rolling out of bed, she made her way out into the living room. Hannah was at the table eating a bowl of cereal. Her eyes were unfocused and her movements were mechanical. She was in Gilead again. It happened sometimes. June hated it even though she had her moments too. Static on the TV became static from a guardian's radio. A crimson hoodie became a Handmaid's cloak. June wondered what Hannah saw when she went away like that.

Luke walked out of the girl's room, Holly in his arms. "Honey, you're up." She had stopped flinching when he called her that. It seemed too…sweet…for the person she was now. Still, she plastered on a smile and stepped closer to take her child- Nick's child. Her hands didn't shake when she thought of him anymore. Progress. "…wouldn't take a bottle. I don't really know what to do for her."

Luke's voice came to her from far away, but she made herself focus. Forced herself to be present. He deserved at least that from her. She couldn't give him much else. "It's fine. She probably just wants me." She cuddled Holly close and peppered her little face with kisses. She did that a lot more- kissed her girls. She constantly told them she loved them. She never wanted Hannah to feel the way she had in that house. 'Why didn't you try harder?' That day still haunted June. For several reasons.

The sound of a spoon scraping a bowl had June turning to face her oldest. Hannah was watching her- watching Holly. She did that a lot too. She loved her sister- at least she said she did. But June didn't try to force anything there. Hannah had to come around on her own. And things were better. She held Holly sometimes, and occasionally she would help fix a bottle or change a diaper. It was the little things that would help them connect.

Nick had taught her that.

Small acts of kindness, ridiculous inside jokes…Calling you by your name.

"Morning Hannah," she said, hoping her voice didn't sound too strained. She had to stop thinking about him. Her daughter gave her a small smile- she wasn't a morning person and words were too much this early. "I was thinking we could go to the park today? Just us girls? We could bring Aunt Moira." The shrug she received in answer was more than she had expected. Hannah glanced at the baby again before leaving the table and going to her room.

It will get better.

June wasn't sure she believed that as much as she used to.

She turned and caught Luke staring at Holly. The way his eyes were narrowed and his mouth had lost its softness told her he was thinking about her father- the man he thought was her father. She held Holly closer. She could correct him- she probably should- but she wasn't ready. She wanted to keep Nick to herself- even if it was just by keeping Holly's paternity a secret.

Maybe if Nick made it to Canada…

Her eyes were scratchy from lack of sleep. Her head pounded from fear and dehydration. Exhaustion made it hard to even think, but still her mind circled with all the terrible things that could be happening to Nick. Gilead was not merciful. Gilead was not kind. And they would break everything in their wake to get what they wanted. She could only pray that her baby was out of this place now. She could only pray that Serena didn't take out her grief on Hannah. Or that the Commander didn't take out his anger on Nick.

It was all a waste of her prayers, but that was all she had.

The sun had been up for a few hours before she heard footsteps again. The door burst open like it had the night before. Black boots came in again- more this time. Then she saw the bottom of a Martha's uniform and Mrs. Waterford's shoes.

"Rita, the bed." Footsteps came closer and the covers were pulled back. "Gentlemen lie him down." A small pained moan reached her ears almost at the same time that Mrs. Waterford's voice came again- much more sharply. "Gently, please!" Then the bed dipped from the weight of the person they had brought in.

Please, God, let it be Nick.

She almost hated herself for being so selfish, but she couldn't help it. She needed to see him. She needed to know he was going to be alright. She needed to explain and apologize and hold him and… God, she just needed him.

The sound of Rita's voice breaks her out of her thoughts. A quick peek shows that the guardians and Mrs. Waterford are all gone. "Nick, what were you thinking?" She had never heard Rita speak so gently. It was the voice June used when Hannah was sick or scared. "And now look at you," she continued, voice thick with emotion, "more work for me. Another mess to clean." A smile came to June's face as she listened. Of course Rita would still find a way to complain- even in jest.

She waited for what felt like hours before Rita was finished tending to Nick. She watched as Rita emptied a bowl of water she had been using- it was red and the cloths she had used seemed to take so long to rinse out. Had he bled that much? God, they made him bleed.

Gathering the things she had used, Rita made her way to the door. "I'll check on you soon, okay?" There was no response, if the way Rita's face fell was any indication. Rita slipped out of the room with a sigh, the door closing heavily behind her. June waited until the footsteps were gone before she crawled out from under the bed.

He was shirtless. Lying on his stomach. His skin…he had been beaten. Crude stitches held the torn ends of flesh together. Dark, angry bruises were already forming. No wonder it had taken Rita so long. Did the Commander do this? The Eyes? Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she stood next to the bed. Slowly her eyes left his back to find his face. His eyes were closed- he looked like he was sleeping. She hoped he was sleeping. She hoped unconsciousness dulled the pain.

She stepped closer and knelt on the floor so she could be at his level. Her hand shook as she reached out to touch him. Her fingers gently ran through his thick curls- curls she knew so well. She knew all of him so well. They had learned each other. In this room, in the Boston Globe, and in all the little moments in between.

And those monsters had hurt him.

Her head dropped to rest next to his, their foreheads touching. She was here, she was with him, and she wanted him to feel it. Her tears soaked into his sheet. Her eyes fell closed. They breathed together- always so in sync with each other.

"June..."

She opened her eyes expecting him to be awake- he wasn't. He just knew her.

"June…June…June!"

June snapped out of the daydream she was having. She and Nick in his bed, just talking… It had been nice. She turned to face her friend. "Sorry, what?" Moira shook her head and gave that look. It was a new look. It meant she knew what June was thinking and didn't approve. It was hard to tell if she didn't approve because of Luke or because of Nick. Probably both. Mostly Nick.

"I said, are you planning something for you and Luke's anniversary?"

Shit. She'd forgotten. It was close- their anniversary. It was a few weeks away. It felt strange to think about it- it felt strange being married again. She didn't feel married. At least…not to Luke. They shared a bed and they took care of the girls, but… There was no sex and there was no conversation- not about anything meaningful. She couldn't connect with him anymore. Gilead made sure of that.

"Yeah, I was thinking of a date night. Maybe let the girls stay with you so we can have some grown up time?" That wouldn't happen, but June didn't think Moira needed to know that. Besides, it could happen- it wasn't like she didn't still enjoy sex. It just felt wrong when she didn't know where Nick was- like she was forgetting him.

Moira stared at her in silence. The judgy kind of silence. The kind of silence that seemed very loud. She nodded slowly as she turned back to the playground to watch Hannah. She rarely looked at Holly. Even after June had told her about Nick- even though she said she understood. June knew she didn't and that she didn't really want to. So Moira mostly ignored her. Another reason there won't be a date night.

June turned to watch Hannah. She was playing- alone- in the sandbox. From where she sat June could still see the vacant look on her face. God, that look fucking hurt. "How's Hannah? Really?" Was it wrong to feel irritated that Moira loved Hannah so much? She knew it was just because of her reaction to Holly, but still…

"She's…adjusting. I think she misses them- her Gilead parents. I think she's trying not to get attached. You know?" Moira gave another slow nod. Less judgy this time. June could tell she was about to say something when her phone rang. It still freaked her out a little bit every time she heard it. She picked it up from the seat beside her and checked the Caller ID. Luke. Moira was watching her, so she answered.

"Hey."

"Hey. Just wanted to check on my two- I meant three favorite girls."

He meant two. She took a deep breath and focused on Holly's soft weight in her arms. She kept June calm- like her dad used to. "All of us are good. Hannah's enjoying the sandbox. And Moira is glaring at the ducks as if they've personally stolen her ice cream." It was a lie. Moira looked at her- that same disapproving look that she was getting used to.

"Of course she is. Well, I gotta get back to work. But um…our anniversary is in a few weeks. I just wanted to see how you were feeling about that." He sounded so nervous and…reluctant? June glanced at Moira; her eyes were glued to her. She wished she could have this conversation without an audience.

Another deep breath. "I'm excited. I can't wait to see what you have planned for me." Lie, lie, lie. God, she never used to lie to Luke this much. She never used to lie to him at all. Now she felt like all she ever said to him was some type of falsehood. The call ended and June let out the breath she had been holding in.

She didn't look at Moira.