Misdirection Ploy
A Goblin Slayer fanfic
Once again this a humor oriented one. Because this is how me and Goblin Slayer roll. Also you'll see a character inspired by a… different sword and magic series.
As always I do not own the rights to Goblin Slayer.
You can contact me at: tsommer
My stuff is stored at and ao3
Let's get this party started
Xxxxxxxx
The Guild Hall was quite packed and rowdy celebrating the recent demise of Demon Duchess, evil overlord par excellence. She had been the most recent in a string of would-be conquerors who spread trouble and chaos across the realm wherever they went. She had amassed an impressive army of evil monsters, as well as an unholy artifact of tremendous power, and plagued the lands until her very timely demise.
She had chocked to death on a chicken bone. Which no one mocked since it could happen to anyone.
So it was few noticed the somewhat tall figure in voluminous robes, with the hood drawn so far forward none could see its face or even determine gender, enter the hall. It also staggered a bit, as though it had been part of the revelry despite only just arriving. What was even more bizarre was its upper half seemed to sway in a different direction from the lower half.
It approached the front desk where Guild Girl worked, since someone had to man the desk even during a party. It swayed a moment before righting itself.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
Wordlessly the figure's gloved hands yielded a badly scrawled note and plunked down a bag of coins which jingled as it came into contact with the counter.
Guild Girl read the note, though it took a while since the handwriting barely qualified as legible. "It's a goblin quest. That's a relief. For a moment I thought you were two goblins, one standing on the other's shoulders, wearing that ensemble to impersonate a human for some terrible scheme. But I hardly think goblins would pay for a bounty on goblins, now would they?"
The figure just sort of froze for a moment, then gurgled out something that sounded a lot like nervous laughter. It then turned and left, lurching in two different direction at once as it exited.
Guild Girl wrote up an official bounty quest and went to post it on the board. Her finger had barely left the stick pin when a gauntlet encased hand reached over her shoulder and pulled it down. She jumped since the armored figure was literally standing right behind her.
She turned to see Goblin Slayer, with Priestess standing next to him. "My, that was quick," she commented.
Goblin Slayer read the quest. "So, a group of goblins are inhabiting Dragon Infested Mountain. I'll take the job."
Priestess scratched her head. "Wait, you're certain it says Dragon Infested Mountain?"
"Yes. Guild Girl's handwriting is legible. I believe that was one of the requirements for her job."
"I think dragons live there. And dragons don't like rooming with anyone else. They're very territorial. They kill all intruders."
"That's why it's the perfect place for goblins to hide. No one would think to look for them there."
"Because they'd be killed if they tried to go there."
"It is possible there are no dragons there at all. It could be disinformation put out by the goblins to trick people into thinking there are no goblins there. Why, they might have built a giant wooden dragon and periodically wheel it out to make people think there are dragons inhabit the mountain. I'd wager they put torches in the wooden dragon's nose to make it look like its breathing fire."
"Who would build a giant wooden dragon?"
"I once encountered a group of adventurers that built a giant wooden rabbit in an attempt to infiltrate a castle. It's more common than you think. That's probably where the goblins got the idea from. They do learn quickly."
Priestess shook her head. "This doesn't sound right." But resigned herself to the fact that Goblin Slayer would probably follow goblins to the adamantine gates of Hell itself if that was where the quest directed him.
A cloaked figure with the hood drawn over her face approached. Unlike the last one, this was clearly female and the bottom of her face showed. She didn't sway in two directions at the same time either. "Excuse me, did I hear you say you're going to Dragon Infested Mountain?"
Goblin Slayer nodded. "Goblins are impersonating dragons up there."
"We don't know that," Priestess insisted. He was really clinging to this theory. Goblin Slayer could be a bit… obsessive at times.
The mysterious figure said, "I have business there and was about to depart. Perhaps we could journey together?"
"As long as you don't mind being drenched in goblin blood," Goblin Slayer said.
"My cloak is waterproof," she assured him.
And with that they set off.
Xxxxxx
The trio arrived at the mountain. The path leading up to the main cave entrance had been wide and showed infrequent signs of activity. What little there was indicated that while traffic went up it, none came down.
They approached the vast aperture leading into the mountain itself.
Priestess said, "Goblins normally don't like large caves. They prefer smaller ones with side passages they can spring out of and attack."
"Sometimes they use larger ones if there's many of them. We'll prepare accordingly" Goblin Slayer entered, his two female companions following.
As they did Priestess looked around, "There's a lot of bones strewn everywhere, including human ones. A lot of them looked chewed upon."
"A hungry goblin will eat anything edible if it has to. Even scrapple." Goblin Slayer shuddered slightly.
Priestess' nose scrunched up. "What's that smell?"
"Excrement," the mysterious woman, who had been very quiet during the journey, explained distastefully.
"There must be a lot of it. I've never smelled a goblin lair so foul."
"These goblins are very determined to hide their location," Goblin Slayer said.
The trio cautiously entered the cavern complex inside the mountain. It remained large with the stalactite lined ceiling high above. A small army could have been hiding within its stone walls, but there was no signs of life.
Eventually they entered an even larger cavern and what a sight they beheld. Mounds of gold littered the floor of the room, with brightly colored jewels and other valuables, scattered throughout the ocean of gold. It was several kings' ransoms.
"I had no idea there was this much money in the world," Priestess said in awe.
"Several of the mounds are inconsistent in form with piles of coinage," Goblin Slayer informed them. "Something is hidden under them. I suspect goblins."
The warrior's keen eye was proven correct as one of the mounds shifted from what lie beneath. However rather than the gangly forms of greenish goblins, it was a large reptilian head connected to a sinewy neck. A very, very large one. Its jaws looked large enough to consume an armored warrior whole, and what do you know, there was one in the room.
It rose from the pile of gold, revealing the rest of the body proportional to the head. It was the most massive beast Goblin Slayer and Priestess had ever seen.
Two other mounds also shifted revealing another pair of dragons of equal size to the first. The only real difference between them was the color of their scales: red-black, cream-gold, green-bronze.
Priestess trembled. "Those are not giant wooden dragons."
Red-Black spoke, "Well, it appears we have food delivered to our doorstep. How convenient. We really must tip you for your generosity."
The other two snickered at the joke.
Cream-Gold spoke to the trio. "It appears to be a warrior, some type of magic user, and someone trying to be mysterious. We'll be sporting and let you go first. Would you like to swing an ineffectual sword or cast a meaningless spell?"
"I'll go first," the mysterious figure proclaimed. She threw off her cloak and revealed herself. She was platinum blonde, about 5' 2'' and slender, encased in a light blue dress and quite beautiful. She took no other action, opting to stand there silently waiting.
Goblin Slayer said, "Judging by the way you threw off your cloak in dramatic fashion, and are now posing in expectation, I suspect you believe we should know who you are. But I'm drawing a blank."
Boldly she announced, "I am… Princess Dragon Mom."
"You're not our mom!" All three dragons declared as one.
"Oh?" she said testily. "Who was there when your eggs hatched? Who prechewed entire flanks of beef for you because your teeth weren't developed enough yet? Who was it, when you had gastric problems and gas build-up, held you over her shoulder and patted your scales until you could breathe fire again? You weighed fifty pounds and I'm only a hundred and fifteen.- Do you know how difficult it is to support that much mass when you're that small?"
The trio became pouty but offered no further protests.
Somewhat mollified, Princess Dragon Mom said, "Now when you boys insisted you needed your own clubhouse, I thought you were old enough, and had enough sense of responsibility, to have one so I let you run off to have your little fun. But what do I find? A pigsty. Scattered bones everywhere. The smell of dung clinging to everything. And look at these piles of gold and gems." She wagged a finger at them. "I know what you boys have been up to. What did I tell you about burning everything to the ground?"
"Only raze towns for conquest, not profit," all three replied by rote.
"Exactly. I am very disappointed in the three of you." She placed her hands on her hips. "Now, you boys pack your things. We're going on an overseas trip. My former homeland is in chaos and the time is ripe to reclaim my kingdom and you're going to help your mom do it."
The trio pulled themselves up to their feet and prepared to abandon their mountain hangout. As they started to leave, Goblin Slayer said," What about the goblins?"
"What goblins?" Cream-Gold asked.
"I was told there was a band of goblins here."
Red-Black said, "Nope. No goblins here. There were some goblins who came around about three months ago. Didn't like them. They're terrible eating."
Green-Bronze nodded his head. "Yep. There's no meat on them. They're all tough and stringy and always get caught between your teeth."
As the quartet left, Princess Dragon Mom could be heard saying, "Now I've made you boys an appointment with Dragon Dentist. We're going to be on the road for a while and it wouldn't do to get any cavities. I know how cranky you get from oral discomfort…."
Goblin Slayer's shoulders slumped in disappointment. "What a waste of time. There wasn't a single goblin to kill. This mission was a complete bust."
Priestess looked at the newly evacuated cavern. "We literally have giant piles of gold lying at our feet."
"Exactly: a complete bust. Maybe we should swing by Goblin Ridden Bog. I know I depopulated it the last time I was there, but maybe some new ones moved in since then. The name is practically an invitation to relocate there for them…."
Xxxxxxxxxxx
[End fic]
There was a Hong Kong attempt at a sentai show called Infra Man where the translation of the main baddies' name was Princess Dragon Mom (And she was a hottie). Someone reviewed it and it was mentioned that Daenyrs from GoT wasn't the first after all. And then the idea percolated from there eventually into this.