WARNING!: This story you are about to see is a parody of the recent "South Park Pandemic Special", so this story will contain lots of swearing and even some violence. The characters in this story are all taken from my Full-House style series and it is fused in with the latest in social media and modern technology as of 2020 and 2021.
(The episode begins with a bleak landscape of Royal Woods. Everything in town looks abandoned and decayed. In the school playground, one of the swings is falling apart. At the bus stop, a shoe print echoes the one at the moon landing, while a Vons sign is on the ground nearby. Clyde sits on the front steps to his house, his head on his hands, wearing an N95 face mask. His mother Holly exits the house wearing a mask, with a trash bag in her hand.
Clyde: Hey, Mom, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear someday?
Holly: I'm sorry, honey, but we can't go to Build-A-Bear!
Clyde: But they said they were open again, and Luan would celebrate being the prank star of the town so I-
Holly: Yes, I know they're open, but we have bigger issues to deal with, and we have bills to pay on a daily basis.
(She looks out into the street. A group of four people walks by. Two of them are not wearing their masks properly]
Holly: Hey, are you forgetting something?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help. [the group just moves off, followed by mumbling. More people walk by, eventually becoming a crowd]
Holly: Hey, What happening? What's going on now?!
Coach Patowski: Something at the Royal Woods town square. Everyone's gathering!
Holly: Well, I'm just asking this. Are we protesting or are we rioting?
Coach Patowski: No no, it's something to do with the pandemic. Something big is going on.
Holly: Stay here and do the trash for me, Clyde. [She hands the trash bag to Clyde and joins the crowd]
(Meanwhile, The Royal Woods Town Square, everyone is gathered around there with Lynn Sr. The stage is set up, with a sign over it reading "ROYAL WOODS BENEFIT FOR COVID-19" Behind him, the background said "WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER")
Lynn Sr.: Hey everybody. Can everyone hear me okay? Thanks for turning out, everyone. You know, we've all been through a lot these past several months. We've shut down and people have lost their businesses, lost their livelihoods. I also own a small business named Lynn's Table, but due to the pandemic, it's only available via delivery. I have been helping deliver food to everyone in the town, and I have to say... I'm actually doing pretty good. Amazing. [a business growth chart for 2020 pops up, showing how the business for their food delivery has grown since the pandemic began.] Lynn's Table has seen a 400% increase in delivery sales since the shutdown in March. I see Mrs. Johnson out there [Mrs. Johnson]. Mrs. Johnson has been teaching the kids on all of those zoom meetings during the pandemic and it was really such a good idea now, wasn't it, Mrs. Johnson?
(She is embarrassed.)
And there's Principal Huggins, who has been trying hard to keep the kids safe and protected during the pandemic. Whoops. But I just can't stand here and gloat, because our new delivery service is about giving back to people. And that's very proud to announce... that Lynn's Table is having a Pandemic Special! [a collage of pictures taken over the year appears, with "$ PANDEMIC SPECIAL $" plastered over it)
Lynn Sr.: (continued) ...and all-new hybrid of our best food and medicine delivered to your door at nearly 10% off our usual price. Not only that, but when you buy three pounds or more of the Pandemic Special you get a complimentary Pandemic 2020 bong.
(He holds a large blue bong with PANDEMIC 2020 on it.)
Lynn Sr.: (still continuing) We are a community. Let's all be together... with Lynn's Delivery.
(The Lynn's Table & Delivery logo pops up. Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita are driving home. Rita was not pleased with Lynn Sr. announcing a Pandemic Special.)
Lynn Sr.: I think people are really excited. What do you think, Rita?
Rita: (angry at Lynn) A pandemic special, Lynn?! Really?!
Lynn Sr.: What?
Rita: People are hurting! People are dying, Lynn! And all you can think about right now is making a special about it?
Lynn Sr.: I'm doing positive to try and help alongside my daughters, dear. People really need this right now.
Rita: This is serious, Lynn! These are very serious times and I don't mean to say this, but your pandemic special isn't really what matters to us right now!
Lynn Sr.: [a bit softly] We'll see if they like my special.
Rita: (changes her mind and starts speaking softly): Maybe you're right. Maybe we will find out if they like it.
(Cue the theme song.)
(Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh)
Whatever happened to predictability
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV
How did I get delivered here?
Somebody tell me, please
This old world's confusing me
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you whispers
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
(Chorus:)
Everywhere you look (Everywhere you go)
There's a heart (There's a heart)
A hand to hold onto
Everywhere you look (Everywhere you look)
There's a face of somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look
Everywhere you look
(doop-a-dee-ba-ba-dow)
(Song finishes and the scene cuts to an aerial view of the suburbs. A drown zeroes in on the Santiago house, where Lincoln and Lori are now living. "THE LOUD HOUSE in: Pandemic in Royal Woods" appears on the screen. Scene Cuts to Lori and Bobby's room. They're both in bed, but Lori wakes up refreshed and jumps up. A rod with a small "6'" flag sits by the bedroom door.
Lori: Wow!
(She gets up and throws her curtains open and starts singing.)
Lori: (singing) Another day inside, don't have to go work. I love you, social distancing.
No other girls are around, nor they're talking to me. Social distancing, we're free!
Don't have any other girls to bother. For what?
I can keep on singing for hours. As long as I want.
'Cause no one's saying to me "You girls should get outside and do something."
(Her phone alarm rings - it's time to wake Ronnie Anne up.)
Lori: Oh! 8 A.M. Ronnie Anne! Time for school!
(Ronnie Anne hops off the bed and gets out her computer, then logs into Zoom.)
Mrs. Johnson: Good morning, guys. Everyone ready to start school?
(Ronnie Anne's screen fills up windows of her classmates and teacher, Mrs. Johnson.)
Clyde: Good morning.
Liam: Hello.
Stella: Hi.
Girl Jordan: Hello.
Tabby: I'm, I'm here.
Mrs. Johnson: Okay, I think we're all here. I see Stella and Clyde are on now. Ronnie Anne, are you there?
Ronnie Anne: Yes, teacher, I'm here. I can't wait to start (her computer camera begins to glitch) schoo... schoo... schoo... oo... oo...
Mrs. Johnson: Oh no, Ronnie, I think your computer is freezing up again.
Ronnie Anne: Oh dear, it was freezing. Oh well. It's just another malfunction.
(Lori then comes into Ronnie Anne's room, seeing that Ronnie Anne was on her Zoom call.)
Lori: Morning, Ronnie.
Ronnie: Morning, Mom. I'm just in time for my little school lesson today.
(Lori chuckles, and Lincoln then shows up behind her.)
Lori: Oh, morning, Lincoln. How was your rest?
Lincoln: it was great, Mom. I slept really well and I could use some breakfast right now.
Lori: Yeah, we could all use some breakfast. (to Ronnie Anne) Hey, Ronnie. You get busy with your schoolwork while I make us all some breakfast, okay?
Ronnie Anne: Okay.
Mrs. Johnson: (on computer) Anyway, let's start today, guys, by going over yesterday's grammar examples. Stella, can you read the first one?
Lori: (singing) We're cut off from the world, we're all by ourselves. This is what we call existence-sing
No other sisters can touch us or boss us around. Social distancing...
(Lori grabs the rod and goes downstairs.)
Lincoln: (singing) We're free
Maria: Morning, fellas.
(Lori jabs opposite of her with the rod as he goes to the kitchen.)
Lori: (singing) Stay away from us, girls, yeah. You've got to keep your social distance. 'Cause all we're gonna do is sing about how much we love you and we need you, social distancing
(She starts making breakfast for the family as Lincoln grabs himself a bowl of Cocoa Puffs for breakfast.)
Maria: Sweetie, I know these are challenging times.
Lori: (still singing) Social distancing, yeah
Maria: But we all still have to try and do our work.
Lincoln: [between bites] I know, grandma. Mom's making some breakfast for the rest of the family.
Maria: Of course, I at least need Ni-Ni to get some of your homework done, okay? And then m-maybe take a shower.
(Bobby then comes in behind her.)
Bobby: Morning, fellas.
Lori: Oh, morning, honey. Want some breakfast? I'm making some eggs and toast for all of us.
Bobby: Sure, babe.
Lincoln: Wow. I sure am glad it seems like it's just me, mom, dad, grandma and Ronnie Anne all together during the pandemic. Ahhh. How I miss my friends and my other sisters. But at least I have been chatting with them on my phone once in a while. Heh heh heh heh.
Lori: Well, it's great that you care about your friends, dear.
Maria: But guess what, it's all going to be over soon.
Lincoln: Huh?
Lori: What?
Bobby: Is this important?
Maria: Yes, Bobby! They're actually talking about school opening up again in a few days! [Lincoln stops eating, then turns around to look at Maria]
Lincoln: What... the hell... are you talking about?
Maria: There's going to be a big meeting. Sounds like they're trying to get you, kids, back in school!
Lincoln: Why should we go back to school right now? Can't these people see there's a fucking pandemic going on?!
Lori: Lincoln!
Maria: But they're talking about maybe staggering you kids every other day.
Lori: But Aunt Maria, why would they do this? It's really difficult for that right now.
Maria: Lori, Lincoln, Ronnie Anne's going to be able to be with all the other kids again!
Lincoln: No. I get it now, Grandma. There's all this insane stuff going on in the world, and right now, they're gonna open back up during a goddamn pandemic!
Maria: [tries to come close] Lincoln, you can't-
Lori: (She holds her six-foot rod.) Ahhp. Come on, Aunt Maria. Six feet, please. Thank you. Now please let Lincoln finish his breakfast while I make some for me, Ni-Ni and Boo-Boo.
Maria: All right then.
(Maria walks out of the kitchen to the living room.)
To be continued in Part 2...