Twilight Alternate Universe: If Edward Cullen Lied
Where Edward and the rest of the Cullen's aren't actually vampires, they just act like they are.
A/N: This is just so something I came across the other day.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or this.
Rosalie hates it, Jasper's terrible, and can't keep a straight face, so he takes any excuse to avoid Bella. Carlisle doesn't like pretending to hurt people so he decides his new persona has miraculous control, Alice and Emmett are loving this lie; They have emergency family meetings to come up with basic ground rules and cover story, but then just wing everything else.
Edward had to tell Bella that they sparkled in the sun because Alice had dumped an entire bucket of glitter on him that morning when he got out of the shower.
Aro is Edward's weird theater uncle who jumped at the chance to do a shitty accent.
The Volturi are his fellow theater actors.
Rosalie pretends to hate it but in reality she's filming the whole thing and is definitely gonna put it on YouTube
Jasper's backstory is like that because he wanted to see how far he could go before Bella got suspicious;
Jasper: I was uhhhhhh *throws dart* a confederate soldier who got turned by uhhhhhhhh *throws another dart* a vampire lady who wanted to uh *thunk* use me to uhhhhhh *thunk* take over ummmmm *thunk* Mexico.
The only reason they're not edgy human eating vampires is because Rosalie threatened to tell Bella;
Listen, she may be pretending to be a vampire but she refuses to be an evil vampire.
Emmett is having so much fun.
Emmett: "Oh Edward! Can my backstory be that I was mauled by a bear?"
Edward: "What?"
Emmett: "It's cool! It's like that one movie with the guy and the trees!"
Edward talks like that because he said "If I was born in 1901 then I gotta sound like an intellectual, right?"
The real reason Edward is pretending to be a vampire is because he was kinda drunk when Bella asked and he said yes for a laugh, but he's too awkward to say, "Sorry I'm not a vampire I was just drunk and thought it was funny. So sorry."
Alice: "I can see the future but I can't remember my past. It's symbolic of the folly of mankind or whatever."
A/N: I found this very funny, I hope you did aswell!