Spades (and other tools needed)
Spade – definition
I) to an unusually great degree: in the extreme
II) a digging implement adapted for being pushed into the ground with the foot
III) a black figure that resembles a stylized spearhead on each playing card of one of the four suits
She stands away – from both the crew of Serenity and the family Nandi had created for herself – as the funeral starts. The cool breeze rusting through the air nips at her red cheeks and the rest of her exposed skin. She shivers, but she knows it's not just from the cold.
She takes a deep breath as the other women take their turns saying their final goodbyes. She places one foot in front of the other and stops when she reaches Nandi's casket. She should say goodbye, but she can't find the words, or the thoughts to express everything that she never got around to saying. It doesn't seem real. She had gone years without contact, without hearing her mentor's voice and now… now she'd do anything to have one more conversation with the older woman.
She takes a look around at the crestfallen expressions of the women Nandi's welcomed into her home, into her life. And then she looks around to the crew of Serenity, the people she's let into her life, into her own heart. The crew has become her friends, her family, and a sense of guilt washes over her. And it's then when she decides. This won't be her. She won't let the others feel the way she's feeling about Nandi. The pain, the guilt, the shock. She can't put them through this, it's too much. She needs to leave while she still can. She has less than five years to live, two years before her illness is noticeable. And she's about six months too late in not developing a personal attachment to the others.
It's why she ended things with Nandi all those years ago – more specifically two weeks after she got the diagnosis – and couldn't tell Nandi the truth. She couldn't burden her with that knowledge. It's why she left the training house after Nandi left. She thought that if Nandi could do it – pack up and leave their world, the place they called home for so many years – she could too. Even though she was on track to become head priestess – she wanted it too – but that was before she realized her life expectancy was a lot lower. It's why she chose to ship out on Serenity instead of a luxury ship. That and she wanted to see the rest of the world. The real world, not the cookie cutter views that come with that kind of experience. It's why she can't get close to anyone, why she chooses to keep people at arms length. It's why she has to leave now. Because she got sucked into the trap that is Serenity, the trap that is Malcolm Reynolds. And she refuses to let them – let him – dig her grave when the time comes.
Nandi's body is now the ground and Inara finds herself frozen, her eyes fixated on the raised dirt. The ceremony continues, everyone moves around her, but she stands still. She can't find the strength to move. She stays there, feet planted firmly on the ground. The others fade in and out of her field of vision. She hears them but it doesn't register in her mind. She's grateful no one's tied to talk to her, snap her out of this. Or maybe they have, and she just hasn't noticed. She can feel a pair of eyes on her though. She's felt it the entire time. She doesn't have to search for them to know who they belong to. But she does, and it's a mistake. She stops breathing for a moment as his haunted eyes meet hers and she knows. They both know. She's too raw, too emotional to hide the hurt, the betrayal, the confusion she knows is floating around her watery eyes. She knows that she should do what she's always done with him, hide. Because letting him see the unfiltered feelings that swarm her brain is dangerous. They are both reeling from this loss, their inhibitions are low and it's times like this when mistakes happen. But instead of dragging her gaze away, they continue to stare at each other. She sees his own hurt, his loss, his apology as he opens his mouth. His lips close, forming into a tight line before he swallows and looks away from her. Both their gazes land back onto the pile of dirt covering her friend, his… well. Another pang of guilt washes over her for a moment as she thinks that maybe, just maybe blaming him, letting him see all the – jealousy – rage that's built up isn't fair to him. But she can't help it.
Her eyes stay glued to where Nandi lies. Minute's pass, or maybe hours, her brain isn't functioning the ways it should right now, and time doesn't seem so important. A warm hand rests on her shoulder and that's what finally startles her out of the trance she's been under. She turns her head to look at who's trying to get her attention.
His hands drop to his side as he shuffles his feet. "We're leaving soon."
"Okay," The voice is small and scratchy, and it takes her a moment to realize it's her own.
"If you want to stay for a while…" He drifts off, his arm lifts as if he's reaching to touch her before he decides against it. "Send us a wave and I-we will come back."
"No…" She shakes her head slightly, her mind reeling at the gentleness of his words and tone. "I- I'll be there in a moment."
"Inara," he whispers, and it takes everything in her body to look everywhere but his searching eyes.
"I know", she responds because she knows exactly what he wants to say, what they both can't bring themselves to talk about. "Me too."
"I'll," he clears his throat. "I'll see you on the ship."
She gives him a tight-lipped smile as she continues to avoid his eyes, not trusting herself to do anything other than that. She can hear his footsteps fade as she closes her eyes. She sighs and uses a shaking hand to wipe a tear that's slipped down her cheek without her consent. She brushes a few strands of hair that have fallen out of place and gives one final look at her… at Nandi's final home before heading to the ship, preparing herself for what needs to be done.
A/N I am once again at it with a tag to 'Heart of Gold'. I cant help myself, that episode (I mean the whole show tbh) was so good. Thanks for reading!