Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition
[Season 9] - Round 3: Isn't it Gothic
Team: Chudley Cannons
Position: Beater 1 - The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe: Write about someone hiding a big secret.
Optional Prompts:
6. (setting) Nighttime
7. (word) Monster
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Thanks to Fire the Canon and books. forevermore13 for betaing!
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TW: Drinking
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AU where the Marauders didn't discover Remus was a werewolf in second year.
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Word count: 1877
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"Sorry."
Remus kept his gaze down, not wanting to see the look in Sirius' eyes. But Sirius simply bent his head down to catch it. He was smiling in that sweet way Remus adored, and his heart skipped a beat.
"No, Re, I'm sorry." Sirius sat up straight. Remus' eyes followed him. "You've told me many times that you don't like it when I pull up your shirt. But, my brain stops working when we're kissing. I'll try harder, I promise."
Remus relaxed against the pillows, but couldn't help pulling his jumper down. Sirius had been so close to touching The Bite. If that happened, Sirius would instantly know he was a werewolf, and Remus would be kicked out of school and lose all his friends. The Ministry would take him away, and—
He was pulled from his train of thought as two warm lips pressed against his. Sirius pulled away after a few moments, resting his forehead against Remus'.
"I would give everything for a look inside your head."
Remus snorted. "Trust me, you don't. It's messy."
"Hmm. I could tidy it up."
"It would take weeks."
"I love a challenge.
Remus giggled. Sirius' eyes seemed to light up, and he pressed a quick kiss to Remus' lips, bumping their noses together. Days like these, when James and Peter were both busy, were Remus' favourite. He and Sirius would spend all day doing absolutely nothing together.
"Can I ask you a question?"
Remus' heart rate quickened. He tried calming himself down by reasoning that if Sirius knew, they wouldn't have just made out for the last hour. "Er, sure."
"It's just…" Sirius hesitated, which Remus had only seen happen two times. The first time was when he came out, and the second was when he told Remus he liked him on New Year's Eve in fourth year. "We've been friends for a while now."
Remus nodded. "Ever since third year; the day after we came back from Christmas Holidays. I punched Snape and you fell in love with me."
Sirius giggled and Remus felt a rush of pride surge through him. "Yeah. That was awesome, by the way. So, we were friends for a year, and uhm, we've been together for almost four months now, so I was thinking… why is it that I can't see you without a shirt on?"
Remus dropped his gaze, and this time, Sirius let him. Remus hoped that maybe if he stayed still, Sirius would get the hint and change the subject, but of course he wasn't so lucky.
Sirius stroked his cheek gently, and lifted his chin till their eyes met. His eyes were searching for an answer.
"Come on. You can tell; it's just me, Re."
Remus' heart sank. "Sorry."
Sirius shook his head rapidly. "Don't be. There's no reason to." He carefully moved his hand to run it through Remus' hair. Remus closed his eyes and leaned into his touch. "I'm not saying you have to take off your shirt, I just want to know why."
"I—" Remus hated lying to Sirius, but there was no way he could tell the truth. Sirius would hate him and be disgusted if he knew he dated a monster.
Sometimes, though, when he looked into Sirius' deep grey eyes, he could imagine it wasn't like that.
If things were different, his friends would visit him in the Hospital Wing the morning after every full moon. Sirius would definitely bring more chocolate than Remus could eat. He wouldn't feel so distant from his friends and he wouldn't feel so alone at night, even though Sirius' arms were wrapped around him. If only he could tell, but he risked losing all of them if they knew.
"I'm scared you won't like me if you see it."
Sirius' eyebrows furrowed. "Do you think I'm that shallow?"
"No. I think I'm that ugly."
Remus could feel Sirius' eyes burning into him, but he couldn't meet his gaze. Eventually, Sirius sighed loudly and wrapped his arms tightly around him.
"You're wrong if you really think I could ever not like you. If or when you decide to show, I promise I'll still like you. Nothing could ever change that."
Remus only allowed himself one moment to imagine what it would be like if what Sirius said were true.
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Sirius grabbed Remus' arm, holding him back as James and Peter continued walking. He had been sending Remus discreet glances all day, and Remus knew it was only a matter of time before he was confronted.
"Re, are you okay?"
Remus tried smiling. "I'm fine."
"No," Sirius insisted. "You're only ever like this when you have to visit your mum."
Remus looked at the ground. To cover up why he disappeared every month during the full moon, Remus had told them he was visiting his mum who was ill, but the whole idea was that these visits were spontaneous so that they wouldn't discover a pattern. Today was James' fifteenth birthday, and Remus had known all month he wouldn't be able to go, but had to keep it a secret from all of them.
James and Sirius had spent weeks making older students buy firewhiskey for them so they could have a big stash in time for the party. Remus' initial plan had been to wait for them to get drunk, so he could sneak out without any of them ever noticing.
"Sorry."
"Can't you stay for James' party? Not even just a little bit?"
Remus knew it was best to say no. If he stayed for the party, he knew Sirius would keep asking him to stay for just a little longer, and he knew it was best to get to the Shrieking Shack as early as possible. But the way Sirius was looking at him made it impossible to say no.
"Just a little bit, then."
Sirius' eyes lit up and Remus almost didn't regret promising to come.
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The sun had set, and the party was only just getting started. Usually, Remus would be at the shack by now.
He couldn't stop shaking. Even hours before the full moon rose in the sky, Remus could feel his body preparing for the change, hence why he preferred getting there early. Foolishly, he had thought he could handle it tonight, but his head was killing him and he could barely walk straight.
Luckily, the others thought he was drunk.
Remus had been sitting in an armchair by the fireplace, obsessively staring at the clock to make sure he would leave on time, when Sirius came, leaning over the chair and speaking right into his ear. His breath lingered of firewhisky.
"I want to dance."
Remus laughed despite his worry and anxiety and let himself get dragged onto the dance floor where the other Gryffindors were dancing to a Shameka Wilensky song. They moved to the rhythm, occasionally bumping into each other in a totally platonic way, laughing and standing so close they were breathing each other's air.
When the time came, Remus realized he didn't want to go.
He wanted to stay. He wanted to dance with Sirius, sing along to the music, become just as wasted as all his friends and laugh with them when someone did something both stupid and hilarious.
But he ripped himself away from all that.
Remus took some deep breaths as he worked his way towards the portrait hole, trying not to be too upset that he had to leave. Just as he got through the crowd, Sirius grabbed his hand, holding him back.
"Stay." He used his best puppy eyes. "Just a little longer. Please."
Remus hesitated, then shook his head. No matter how much he wanted to stay, he was putting the entire Gryffindor house in danger if he did. "Sorry. I've already rescheduled with McGonagall to use the floo once, and I don't think she'd appreciate it if I did it a second time."
They stared at each other a few moments, till Sirius let go. Remus continued walking, and as soon as the portrait closed behind him, all sound was drowned out. The halls were uncharacteristically silent, and all Remus could hear was his own breathing.
He walked alone.
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Half-asleep, he reached for Sirius.
Only a second too late did Remus realize where he was. He opened his eyes and was at once overwhelmed by the bright light, the strong smell of medicine and the pain throughout his body. Blinking against the harsh lighting, Remus glanced around. A curtain covered the bed as it always did.
He was completely alone.
Last year, James, Peter, Sirius and Remus had all been out flying, when Remus fell off his broom and had to go to the Hospital Wing. He had ripped open a fresh scar from the previous full moon and had to spend the night there. The next morning, they were all there when he woke up and Remus got a glimpse of what it could be like if they knew his secret and accepted him.
He really wished he could have that right now.
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Remus had spent almost thirty minutes trying to convince Madam Pomfrey to let him go, but she wanted him to stay in the Hospital Wing for one more night. He insisted he was fine, which was a blatant lie, but he managed to convince her by promising he would head straight to bed and rest the next day, which was fine because it was Saturday anyway.
Which was how he ended up dragging himself up to the Gryffindor tower a half-hour after curfew. His steps were heavy, but the thought of Sirius kept him going. It took almost double the time it usually would. Each step sent a jolt of pain through his legs, and truthfully, he just wanted to sit down. But it was no good.
Shaking and hurting, he arrived at a deserted Gryffindor Common-room and slowly continued to the dorm. Remus heard the laughter and hesitated a moment before opening the door carefully.
They were all sitting on James' bed with a game of Exploding Snap and goods from Honeydukes between them. Did they always have fun like this when he was away? Sirius immediately stood up upon seeing him enter, ready to welcome him with a big smile and open arms.
But his smile quickly dropped. None of them had ever seen Remus this soon after a full moon, and he felt more beat-down than ever.
"Re?"
Remus just shook his head, looking down; he felt tears prickle in his eyes. Sirius was across the room in a heartbeat, wrapping his arms around him and stroking his back soothingly.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked.
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
He will hate you.
"My mum—"
Remus took a shaky breath, holding back tears. He wanted to tell Sirius everything. About being a werewolf, of always doubting himself, of being so scared someone would discover his secret and lock him away. Of what Sirius would think if he knew he dated a monster.
"My mum is getting worse."
Remus let the tears out and Sirius did his best to comfort him, but none of it helped, because Sirius couldn't be there for Remus in the way he truly needed.
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