Diddy's aching toe filled the room with massive pressure. Everyone who looked at it was immediately blinded for eternity.
Cranky was the only one immune to such heinous charms. That is why Cranky looked and looked at the toe.
"Why do you not conform to your fate, old man?" Diddy asked through grit, angry, pearly whites. He glazed bananas over them in order to reduce clearness in his enamel. All dentistry was poor under his new empire.
Cranky chuckled and pointed at the toe with his wooden cane. "As you can see, I am a god of digits." He took out the legendary Staff of Toe from his back pocket.
"Blimey!" cried DK as he adjusted his seeing-glasses (an invention for the unfortunate who dared to gaze at Diddy's toe).
Funky adjusted his glasses too. "I can see that that is a toe-ward weapon!" said he.
Candy kicked DK in his idiot rump. "OH DONKEY KONG!" she wailed. "Why don't you ever text me anymore, you big banana-for-brains?"
DK stammered out an apology and spoke of his sudden blindness.
Candy rolled her well eyes to mock her dumb boyfriend's ugly apology. "You are still owing me many dates, many movies, and many smoochers," she said finally.
DK gave her a coupon for his love and she took of it gladly. She popped off the top of her Coca Cola and handed it to Bluster.
Bluster consumed the fizzy pop and ripped the floor open with his mighty biceps.
DK was so jealous of his rival's abs, pecs, and eyebrow deltoids.
"I did not know eyebrows had deltoids..." said Funky to Krusha and Klump.
Klump nodded with worry. He then turned to his blue sidekick. "Say... uh... Krusha... Why are we here?"
"Life is but a hollow figment of reconciliation amidst the birth of a singular consciousness," replied the dumb kroc.
Cranky whipped out his toe-killing mole rat and shoved it on Diddy's foot appendage with added rage and extra salt.
Diddy screamed in agony as the clenching teeth gripped his digit like that one episode of Catdog with the tick scene (you probably don't know what I'm talking about, but why are you even reading this rubbish in the first place? Seriously...)
"Oh, Numbskull! My numbskull!" shouted Cranky as he beat the toe to death with amazing grace.
"How sweet the bananas..." DK mused as he opened up a can of gourmet fish paste. He schmeared it upon Funky's dedicated tush.
Funky thought about the fish paste and his butt devolved from monkey to fish. He now had the power of Enguarde as his rear.
"Lanky would be spiteful..." sighed Bluster, even though he didn't know who either of those people were.
Candy agreed with Bluster's brain matter and tore it out using a vacuum to the ear canals. She scooped up the pink blob and jammed it down DK's gullet. Now DK was just as sophisticated as any rich ape should.
"Madam..." DK said with a hot rasp and a hot rasp in his hand that burnt down to the bone. His phalanges hurt mildly, but the calluses were finally destroyed.
Cranky knew this was a good distraction, so he chopped off Diddy's villainous toe once and for all. Diddy cried like a hairy dragon and blew his nose in a hundred hankies.
"Negative Karma!" yelled Funky at the fossil man.
"Shut up, Funky!" said Cranky with extra crank added to his Model T. "I hate it when young whippersnappers like you act all high and mighty just because you got the victory in the latest Fornite update!"
DK's eyes were reborn through the power of Diddy's crimeful toe death. "I can see, smell, hear, and... I can see banana people..."
Bruce Willis screamed as he realised the terrible truth:
This was the second DK fanfic in a row that he had showed up in.
TO NEVER BE CONTINUED EVER AGAIN...?