Title: Lilly flower

Creator: Wolflover007

Rating: M (sad, get some tissues)

So I'm back after dealing with a personal family death i took some time off also ive been busy with work. I hope you all enjoy. Been thinking about an AU for a while though.

Get some tissues for i'm about to do BAD things. It came out less sad than i wanted but i am also super tired.

Summary: An AU in which Cailin rejects treatment after finding out Maura was her donor. This results in the teenager dying due to kidney failure. Maura grieves and reflects on her life and the life that never could be.

Autonomy:

Patients basically have the right to determine their own healthcare.

This is one of the cornerstones of medical ethics.

Ethical:

morally good or correct.

Moral:

concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character.

A half empty bottle sat atop the island. Its dark contents burning the womans throat and stomach while at the same time numbing her mind with Ice cold regrets. Her teeth grinding into powder as a single white lilly rested on her lap. She didn't even get it herself. Wasn't allowed access to it. It was dropped off on her step. Like she was dropped into her life.

Maura sighed. She thought back to that night.

Cailin had stormed into her house. Angry.

"I want to help you." Maura pleaded with the woman.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" the teenager said on the verge of tears. Wiping her nose with her sleeve she continued. "And i don't want your kidney either."

"Cailin please don't throw your life away because of what you think of me."

"I don't want any part of you living in me."

That was the last thing she ever said to me. Maura thought.

She shook as memories came back.

Cailin collapsing in class. Maura speeding on her motorcycle to get to the hospital. Hope blocking the doctor access from the room. Telling the staff Maura wants to hurt Cailin.

Maura left so as to avoid conflict.

"Hope. I'm your daughter. Please let me see her. Even just once." Maura said a few days later outside the hospital room, holding a white lily.

"You are not my daughter. She's my daughter. Now leave. I don't know what you want but i don't want to ever see you again."

"Well ask her. I'm sure she'd want to see me."

"She doesn't want anything to do wit-What the hell are you doing?!" Hope yelled as Maura slammed into the door breaking it off the hinges and bruising her shoulder.

Maura got chocked up at the sight. Cailin was hooked up to tubes and was clearly unconscious. Her body was swelled and her breaths seemed to be forced.

She looked back at Hope and glared; angry at the state Cailin was in. Hope should have allowed the transplant however because Cailin was 18 she legally had the right to refuse. Still Maura was hoping that Hope would be a better mother and at least try to convince the younger woman to get better.

She began to slowly walk toward Cailin. But soon Hope stood in front of her. Gripping the doctors wrist nearly breaking it.

"What?!" Maura screamed.

"Get out of here!" Hope screamed back.

"Why? I'm her sister!"

"No you're not and you never will-"

Suddenly the frantic beeping behind the pair gave way to fear. Cailin thrashed helplessly.

"Cailin!" Hope said.

Maura ran out to get a nurse. Dropping the lilly on the floor in her panic.

That was the last time she ever saw them...the very last time.

Maura was transported back. She sprawled on the floor and and held the lilly close. It was the same one she had brought that day. Now stained with blood and crumpled by footsteps. A friend at the hospital had brought it to her house. Although Maura wasn't sure why.

Maura wasn't allowed at the service. Hope had threatened to have her arrested should she show up. The service had been a week ago. Last night she had snuck over to the grave. The freshly dug dirt making Maura cry. She ran her hands through the dirt and picked some up.

Maura didn't know what to say so she simply cried. What does one say to a woman she only knew a month...who hated her...who chose a slow painful suicide over allowing the doctor to help her. Why? Was it anger? Spite? Revenge for being Maura's shadow for so long?

Maura sighed and stumbled back to the Island. Grabbing the bottle she chugged some more as she thought about what could have been.

The 25 year old Isles walked through a field of white lilies. Her bookbag on her back, a BCU teeshirt on her body, wearing shorts and sneakers. A small child running in front of her. Tripping on the ground and scrapping her knee. The small brunette cried as Maura picked her up. Maura examined the knee and washed it out gently before placing a bandaid on it.

"You gotta be more careful Cailin." Maura said gently.

"I'm sorry sissy. Can we keep playing?"

Maura chuckled. She placed her bookbag down. Before picking the girl up and placing her across her back.

"Yay. piggy back!" Cailin exclaimed.

"Yeah...piggy back." Maura said running through the field.

...

A 17 year old Cailin growled as she walked into the house she shared with Maura.

"What's wrong?" Maura said cooking pasta for the pair.

"Nothing."

"Well if nothings wrong you can tell me."

"I...i..do...what is love?"

"Hmm?"

"Love is complicated. Theres different kids of love. You're still to young to concern yourself with those things." Maura finished.

Cailin growled as Maura placed a bowl of spaghetti in front of her.

"You're the best sister in the world." Cailin smiled as she ate.

…

A 35 year old Cailin stood in front of Maura's door. Knocking gently she smiled as her sister opened the door.

"Todays the day." Cailin said as Maura tilted her head and noticed that the woman had on the long coat which means.

"Hello doctor Martin." Maura smiled as Cailin blushed. She had just graduated from her residency a few hours ago and went straight to her sisters house. Maura was always there for her through thick and thin. After their mother died, Maura raised Cailin since she was 5.

"I wanted you to be the first to say that." Cailin confessed. Maura smiled and pulled Cailin inside, kissing her sisters forehead gently before shutting the door.

Maura was suddenly startled by a cold burst of wind, knocking over a picture frame. Maura jumped and saw her window was open. When had it started to downpour? She slammed and locked the window shut. She picked up the glass and looked at the picture. It was the drawing of Hope at Maura's grave.

Suddenly a overwhelming rage ravaged the doctor's body. Her body shook. Her teeth ground so hard the gums began to bleed. Her stomach twisted in knots. Vomiting on the floor.

She grabbed the bottle and slammed into into the wall. Cheap booze and glass spreading throughout the floor. Maura grimaced as she walked on the broken glass. Blood oozing out of her now cut feet. She knew now what to do. She looked at her watch. Jane should be here in about 30 minutes. Jane had offered to come by tonight after work. Just to talk, eat, and keep her company. They were to drink wine but Maura beat her to it drinking cheap whiskey instead and quite a lot. ¼ of the bottle if you cared to know.

She opened her closet and grabbed what she wanted. She then grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. She scribbled something on it quick and taped it to the door. She didn't bother with shoes but grabbed her white doctor's coat of all things. She placed the lilly flower in the pocket of the coat. She stumbled into the night leaving her keys and phone behind. She wouldnt drive drunk. She locked her door and smiled.

Jane had pulled into Maura's driveway and smiled holding the bag of food. She had gotten Maura's favorite. As she approached the door however, she began to feel uneasy. Ringing the bell she got no answer so she decided to call Maura. She also got no answer. Maura's car was still here. She began to get suspicious and opened the door with the key under the rug. She noticed a piece of paper on the rug. It was written quickly and appeared to at one point be tapped to the door.

She opened the door and gasped at the scene. Blood and whiskey stained the floor. Two separate piles of glass littered the floor. A pile of vomit sat in the center of the room. Maura was never this dirty or violent. Jane called out to Maura but go no answer. Searching the rest of the house she found it spotless. Maybe the note would provide a clue.

She looked at it again.

You will never be strong enough

You will never be good enough

You were never conceived in love

You will not rise above

Somebody tell me what made us all believe you

I should have known all along it was all a lie

Should have known it was all a lie

Jane stared perplexed unsure as to the meaning. She turned the note over and then ran to the car. She had to find Maura and NOW.

A loud shot echoed through the air in Boston's most abandoned district. The city had offered to "restore" these abandoned buildings but never did so instead they keep them locked up. Well until the shotgun Maura wielded just blew off one of the locks. She walked through the warehouse and marveled at the preservation. This one appeared to be an old toy factory. She smiled as the old machines and teddy bears stared at her. She made her way to the top and shot the lock off of the roof access door.

The rain from before had stopped. The pale moon shined on the doctor as she took a breath. Looking over the ledge she heard soft waves. Maura had always wanted to be returned to the sea.

"Maura." She looked back to see the brunette standing there.

"Cailin?"

"What's wrong doc?" Cailin said. Her brown hair and eyes remained however her skin was quite pale.

Maura gulped. She knew this was a drunk hallucination.

"I...I…"

"I asked about you." Cailin said.

"You did?" Maura said shocked.

"Yes. I wanted you to visit me...but then i passed out before i could voice it."

"I..I'm sorry."

"I know. I'm sorry too."

"Answer me something."

"Anything." Cailin said.

"Why..Why did you choose to die. I could have saved you if you just accepted the transplant. Not doing it was suicide and a slow one at that."

Cailin sighed. Maura sighed then cried.

"Because i was never enough. I wasn't worthy of you saving me. I would rather die with the small amount of dignity i had left. Having you inside me- wait that didn't come out right." Cailin said blushing. Maura chuckled

"I didn't want you to pity me. I had accepted that i would alway be in your shadow. I'm sorry i confronted you."

"YOU'RE WRONG!" Maura screamed at the ghost. Cailin tilted her head.

"You are more than enough. You had her love. Something i was never going to have. You are not me. You were a thousand times better."

"I was never angry at you Maura. You really were a good sister." Cailin said.

"I...I…SHUT UP!" Maura stuttered. The realization hitting her like glacial water. She screamed into the night confused and frustrated. She stumbled on the roof unsure of what to do.

"Not that i have any place to talk on the matter but i'd prefer you didnt commit suicide." Cailin said.

"Why when i couldn't even protect my sister."

"Refusing treatment was my choice. You wouldn't force me. I know you wouldn't. your morals and ethics wouldn't let you do something like that. Thats what makes you such a great doctor."

Maura growled and stared at Cailin. She was unsure of what to do. She looked over the ledge one more time. Testing it. However Cailin didn't move.

"As i said. I have no place to talk on the matter." Cailin said when Maura was confused as to why the woman didn't try to save her.

Maura checked her watch. Jane should be there by now if not looking for her. She remembered the back of the note she left for jane.

Goodbye. was all she wrote on the back of it.

She didn't want to have the conversation with Jane and etched her foot closer to the edge. She looked at Cailin one more time. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes. She held the single white lily flower in her hand. Clutching it like a lifeline. Cailin noticed and smiled.

"I always loved lilies." Cailin said.

"I didn't know that." Maura said.

"There's a lot you don't know about me. Though the feeling is mutual."

"I love you Cailin."

"I love you too Maura." Cailin said as she faded away.

Maura smiled and leaned back. She thought she heard Jane call out to her but it was blocked out by the wind rushing past her ears as she fell backwards from the 3 story building.

"I'll see you soon Cailin."

FIN