All Characters belong to RoosterTeeth etc.
Qrow was not excited about a meal with the full Schnee family, it was gonna be tense, uncomfortable and very cold, like having sex with a snowman. The only difference would be less frostbite on his dedicates, but thanks to James and his multiple Schnee dinner date survivals Qrow wasn't entirely alone. The advice he gave everyone that wasn't Weiss was really... odd, "When we get in there you will all be criticized on your table manners regardless of how good or bad they are. Whenever Willow and Jacques get into a fight don't engage them and just focus on the food. Try not to have any outbursts and if you do just sit down right away and act like it never happened."
"That- can't..." Ruby turned to Weiss as they walked up the flight of stairs to the entrance of what was the largest house many of them had ever seen. Weiss just shrugged.
"It's more or less true. Well aside from the bottle throwing, he about covered about everything." She got slight looks but that was only highlighted by Oscar actually taking notes. This night would make Qrow miss alcohol even more every second. But when they entered the house they were quickly surrounded by an army of butlers taking their coats or applying a fresh layer of makeup. One even 'tried' to trim Yang's hair to make it more presentable. But they were quickly situated at the largest and fanciest table many of them had ever seen. At the far end away from Jacques sat in order Weiss, Ruby, Blake, and Yang followed by Jaune, Nora and Ren. On the opposite side across from Weiss sat Winter, Qrow, Clover, Penny, Oscar, Ironwood, then Whitley sat at Jacques's right hand. It was the most tense and uncomfortable they had ever been.
They were presented with several entrees that were set in the middle of the table. While Whitley and Winter took to politely and elegantly waiting for the servants to set their plates the rest all took to tearing into the plates like they had never seen food before, "I'm not surprised you all are such savages. Heh, you act as if this is the first time they have ever eaten."
Jacques tried to deride them but was ruthlessly foiled by the ever ignorant Nora, "It is. I've never had anything this nice before!" He just scowled as they destroyed his argument.
"It is a dinner party after all if you do not like our behavior then you can just throw us out." Weiss commented as she began stuffing her face like her teammates had. Weiss knew getting removed from the table was the ultimate victory and if she got it then that meant she won. Because it usually meant she didn't have to be there when the screaming begins and got to eat dinner alone in her room. However something loud and drunk was missing and it wasn't Qrow as a small lobster Ruby was trying to crack open exploded in her face. It didn't take long for Jacques to get fed up with their manners as he called for the main course. But with several plates of steaks came another participant.
"Oh dinner was today? I had thought it was tomorrow." And there it was, the ever drunk Willow Schnee meandered into the dining room. Whitley sighed as he informed her.
"It is tomorrow you passed out at noon yesterday."
"Oh, that does sound like me." She sat down at the opposing side of the table right next to her two daughters. Ironwood began to panic as his focus remained on the steak.
"This steak is amazing. My compliments to the chef." Ironwood said as he raised his arm giving the thumbs up. Willow however chose not to focus on the meal and instead on her eldest daughter. Winter tried to ignore the glares but she knew what was coming. An onslaught of why don't you write, why do you never come home, why is it that you despise the unloving mother that was perpetually drunk her entire childhood. The usual.
"When are you going to give me grandchildren?"
"PFFFFTPH!" Winter spit out the mixture of food and wine that she had been working on. Weiss expecting this already had a glyph in place to redirect it... Ruby however was not prepared as it hit her right in the face. Winter turned to Qrow as she was sure this was his fault, "Could you take your luck elsewhere?"
"Sure thing, Ruby switch me."
"Right... Not Jaune... me." Ruby grumbled as she got up and swapped spots with him. She was certain this would not improve the situation but least she was out of the line of fire for Winter. But the move drew Willows attention to Qrow. She focused on him intently as if she was trying to read his soul. In several seconds Weiss knew she had something but Willow timed it perfectly when Qrow began drinking his water.
"Did we have sex?"
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTPH!" Qrow spit his drink cleaning Ruby of the remains of Winter's dinner.
"Why me?" Ruby muttered to herself as she was certain this wouldn't be the last time.
"N-no. I don-"
"You haven't Qrow she is just mistaking you for a former butler or something," Winter said nonchalantly giving him some relief as he was uncertain. Jacques however disagreed on the whole importance of the make believe relationship.
"Ah yes, is my ever unfaithful wife claiming she had an affair with whatever man she came into contact with. How interesting. Please regale us with the story of how you two met." Jacques declared as he was certain she was making it up.
"This steak is amazing!"
"Well I believe it was what, 20 years ago now. He was a handsome upcoming huntsman fresh out of the academy on his first real mission protect a shipment of dust on it's way to Vacuo. I, wanting to go on a little vacation, climbed aboard only to find the young man unprepared to put his body on the line for my needs. But in the end I was able to to pop his cherry and make him take care of my needs. Then 9 months later Weiss was born." Willow gave what had to be the most ridiculous story ever as Yang chuckled at it.
"Uncle Qrow would never take a job protecting dust shipments. Right Ruby?"
"Yeah he was exclusively secret missions from Headmaster Ozpin." Ruby confirmed with a laugh as a few others joined in but they all saw the worst thing possible. Qrow absolutely silent staring at his dinner. Weiss took several gulps of her drink as she prepared for the drop.
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFPTHP!" Winter blocked it and let it splash on Ruby as well. "No. NO. NO! Do not tell me this-" motioning towards him, "-drunk is my real father! I will take anyone, Ironwood! Klein! Hell even Jacques!"
"No, Ironwood is Winter's father. Whitley's is either Klein or one of the Faunus Foremen in the mines."
"WAHT!"
"But if his weapon is a massive sword then I'm sure it's him."
"Wooh, That was close." Nora said as she wiped the sweat from her face, "Luckily he wields a giant sword that turns into a scythe. Big difference."
"THIS STEAK IS AMAZING!" Ironwood was at his wits end. Yes he may be Winter's father he was fully aware of that but he would never be able to claim her with Jacques still alive.
"Well let's see it," Willow produced as she shoved Weiss out of the way and began climbing over to him. She was not talking about the sword on his back. Jacques was red with rage at the thought, he had known he wasn't likely any of their fathers but that was irrelevant what mattered was that if everyone believed it then he had secured his position as head of the SDC. But now that he had actually met the fathers of the children then he could get child support or-
"Get off of me I'm not showing you DICK!" Qrow shouted through exasperation as he tried to flee the older woman. He jumped away as she tripped and landed right in Jaune's lap. She righted herself in the most inappropriate manner and in the same instance made Jaune a man. Qrow practically sprinted out but his famous luck struck again and he managed to trip and land first into the door. Weiss took this chance to try to subdue her mother.
"Look if he is my father, wouldn't I have any signs of looking like him?"
"Like your black hair."
"Mother my hair is white and it has always been white."
"Ha, I still have the baby pictures around here somewhere." She pulled out her scroll and began searching through less than a handful of photos until she ended up on a baby picture of a child with dull blue eyes and dark black hair.
"Mother where did you get that photo? It very clearly isn't me." Weiss said as she looked intently at the picture fearing it was in fact her.
"I mean if you think about it Qrow probably has several children," Yang shrugged her shoulders as she walked over to the former Heiress, "With his luck I don't think protection would really work. But just so you know I will love you like you are truly my sister."
"Is that a threat Xiao Long? Well regardless we wouldn't be sisters, at best cousins..."
"Not exactly, twins share such similar DNA that their children are actually considered siblings." Blake gave her only addition to the conversation. This terrified Weiss because that would mean she is as related to Yang as Ruby is. She would have to partake in all their sisterly bonding games, or their late night cookouts, or even worse talking about their feelings. She absolutely could not allow this.
"That would explain your luck though..." Winter thought out loud.
"And you being Ironwood's daughter would explain why your such a frigid bitch!"
"Well I'd rather be frigid than unlucky any day." Winter leaned back her head as she was absolutely looking down on her probably now half sister. Weiss was beginning to understand why Yang had such a temper it had to come from her Branwen half. Weiss knew where this was going and she couldn't wait as she immediately picked up a bottle of wine and chucked it at her half sister. Yang was not amused.
"Why me?!"
"Because if I throw it at her it would have hit Ruby!"
"Thank you." Ruby commented as at the drop of a hat everyone began tossing plates of food across the table.
"THIS STEAK IS AMAZING!"
When the smoke cleared the dining room was thoroughly trashed and the Schnisters were at least quietly laughing at how they successfully ruined the dinner. Ruby dug herself out of the pile of food that landed on her as the combat ended. Then she thought aloud, "Where's Uncle Qrow?"
"Making them a new sibling." Willow declared as she leisurely and more disheveled than before wandered back into the dining room. Qrow however was less than happy as he wandered back in covered in lipstick, "He's probably your real daddy Weiss. So if you ever hate me enough remember I made sure you had two dads."
"Is that true Qrow?"
"I thought she was a maid, not the lady of the house..."
"What was that about ideals?" Yang chastised from behind a chair.
"They go out the window when an older lady seduces you."
"Can confirm..." Ironwood muttered from his perfectly still position having not moved the entire food fight.
"I should sue you for child support!"
"Go ahead. I'm destitute and he controls the laws of this kingdom. Best you can get is a half empty flask and a middle finger from the worlds least pleasant cyborg." Qrow muttered as he wandered around the room.
Back in the dorm Weiss was getting situated as the others were sure she was panicking. Yet with no sign that she was at all worried Ruby had to ask, "You doin okay bud?"
"I'm fine. This isn't the first time we've met 'my real father' I'm not worried about it one bit."
"Okay but still, what if it is Qrow?" Blake added from her bed.
"Well then he owes me an explanation as to why he didn't get me any birthday presents."
"Weiss..."
"He's not my dad!" Weiss looked a little down as she said what came next, "I wish someone as cool as Qrow was my real dad but Jacques and I share more than a few too many traits to be considered unrelated. Besides it doesn't matter if he is. He wasn't there so it wouldn't really change anything now."
"He would have been there had he known..." Ruby commented as she climbed into her bunk.
On the other side of the campus Qrow was pacing a rut into Ironwoods office, "Jimmy what do I do? I may be her actual father, hell I was barely there for Ruby and Yang much less my own daughter."
"If it makes you feel better I knew Winter was mine the entire time. That's how I got her to go to Atlas academy. The only reason I haven't announced it to the world is Jacques threatened me with mountains of paperwork to prevent me. The difference is I didn't act and you didn't know. In my opinion one's much better than the other." Ironwood may have been a hard ass but he had a good heart sometimes. Now Qrow knew what he needed to do. He walked out of the room passing Winter on the way as she stared Ironwood down.
"The entire time general?" Ironwood just had to grit his teeth at what came next.
Bright and early in the morning Weiss was awoken to the sounds of enough rustling to wake several bears. That usually meant that Ruby and Yang were planning something. Oh gods they currently think they share even the tiniest amount of blood. Weiss shot up like a cannon and nailed the bunk in front over her.
"Is she dead?"
"No, she's just unconscious. This usually gives us an extra ten minutes and if she doesn't wake up in that time we have to go get Jaune."
Weiss woke up to rustling which usually meant that Ruby and Yang were planning something... Oh gods they currently think she share even the tiniest amount of blood with them. Weiss shot up as she hit her head on a nice soft pillow.
"Wha-"
"Happy Adoption!"
"Oh gods no!" Weiss fell out of bed as she came into contact with the rest of the pillows. What she saw was a cake and everyone she knew they didn't get it.
"Qrow decided to take responsibility and adopt you! This means we're even more Sisters!" Yang called as she picked the small white girl in the largest bear hug. This was Weiss's waking nightmare. There is no telling how this will end.
Please like, comment, and subscribe. Or you know don't you have free will and I don't control you so whatever.
For my first Oneshot I think this was pretty okay. I thought of this during Volume 7 and never got around to writing it until now. I had fun with it and I thought it was really funny. I hope you did too.