Before I begin to Live

(Chexton series)

Chapter 1: A Needle In The Heart

Like most scenes lately, the view before him was nothing more than blurs of colorless movement. In the last week, he hadn't retained any images with clarity and contrast… except her. They hadn't seen each other in almost as many days, not since he went to the hotel, but this morning was different. Ethan hadn't noticed April when he ran in to get his bag, but as he turned to start another less than memorable day- there she was.

"Hi," she hesitated, "I haven't seen you much in the last few days."

She had noticed too apparently, he thought, but he wasn't sure if that was good or bad. However, he couldn't deny the glimmer of joy it gave him, nor the anger the joy elicited. "Yeah, I've been doing ride alongs with the medics. Thought I'd help them out."

"That's nice of you. I'm sure they appreciate it." He nodded, while they both stared amidst the deafening and awkward silence. "Well, I finished moving all of my stuff out of your apartment, so I wanted to give you back your key," she stated extending her hand. "I know you'll be happy to move back in."

Choi took the key, thanking her, but couldn't help noticing she was still wearing his engagement ring. Why was she wearing the ring? Weren't they over? Choi's thoughts kept swirling in his head, while his eyes committed her face to memory. "Thanks," he paused, wanting to say so much more but just couldn't, "I should go." What was his problem? He was being a coward! Yet as he left, he couldn't help but wonder if her heart mimicked the ache he felt, at the thought of them being over.

Suddenly, the sound of his name being repeated brought him out of his mental twirl-a-whirl. "Ethan, you there?" The doctor knew he had to concentrate- patients needed him to be there, not reliving his heart-wrenching meeting this morning.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. What's up?" he answered.

"Do you think Kourtney should dye her hair?" Lisa asked.

Why would she think he'd even have an opinion? She wasn't his girlfriend. "If she wants to," he replied, unsure of the response. His answer seemed to remind the ladies he was just a guy. Mild laughter rang only for a minute, before another call took precedent.

When they arrived on site, the severity of the call was not exaggerated. Hostages being held in a convenient store was bad enough, but one was a 9-year old boy who'd been shot in the stomach. Ethan began to run through the kid's probability of survival, and it wasn't good- too many things could go wrong. Yet, SWAT hadn't arrived and they were just supposed to 'hold the perimeter'? NO. Choi wasn't going to let some kid die, especially when he could fix the situation. He may have been afraid to face April, but not death, and this kid needed THAT Ethan at the moment.

"Don't shoot!" Ethan yelled into the store. "I'm a doctor! Don't shoot!" He entered the store slowly, attempting to assess the situation. But just as he sees the injured child and moves to treat him, he hears it.

The click echoed inside his head, as if he was standing directly in front of a concert speaker. "Don't move. Get on your knees!" Slowly the doctor lowered himself before the gunman, while contemplating past life decisions flashing before his mind. His life had been plagued with regrets and missed opportunities. And now, unfortunately for him, the chance to correct any of them would be gone with his final breath. So, as he resigned his will and asked the universe to care for his loved ones, Ethan took a deep breath and meditated- not wanting to freeze up while he anticipated the shot. His last breath WOULD be peaceful.

But the shot never came.

The young man behind the gun was overwhelmed and afraid, but didn't really want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to take back what he'd done and start over. "Man, I've screwed up so many times in my life… it's like I never do the right thing."

"I know how that feels," Ethan agreed.

"What d'ya mean?" he asked.

Ethan could relate, as he had many things, he wished he could redo at that moment, so he answered honestly. "I blew it with someone I care about. Made some big mistakes, wish I could do it over."

"Yeah, me too."

Choi had him talking, so he tried to diffuse things further. "Maybe if you give yourself up now, we'll both get a chance to do the right thing." And surprisingly the young man complied.

"Ok. I'll turn myself in."

As he emerged from the store, once again it was the calling of his name that drew his attention. However, this time it only required being called once. He knew her voice like his own. "Ethan!"

"April?" He was relieved to have her in his arms again, squeezing her close just so he knew it was real.

"When I saw SWAT go into that building," she paused holding back tears, trying to catch her breath, "I've never been more scared."

"I, uh," Ethan tried to express his feelings, but before he could find the right words, he was requested to give a witness statement. Although he desired to begin making things right immediately, he was trepidatious at the possible rejection. However, the way they couldn't look away from each other as he was being pulled away, made him think he wouldn't have to worry about it much. She seemed to long for him as much as he did her. Now all he had to do was take the first step.

Once freed, Ethan realized each of them had been given another chance. The little boy was getting treatment, the gunman wasn't killed, and what he thought was his last breath, was actually the beginning breath of the life he wanted to live. It was obvious time waited for no one, and he wasn't going to miss another chance to have the life he always desired.

Maggie was the first face he saw when he walked into the ED. "Dr. Choi!" she exclaimed as she hugged him tightly, "I'm so glad you're ok."

"Yeah, thanks Maggs. We're all good." Nurse Maggie was about to say something else, but he was on a mission. "Maggs, did April come back here? She was at the store when I came out, but I was pulled away."

Maggie dropped her head, trying not to meet his eyes. "Uh, yeah she stopped back in, but didn't stay long."

"Oh ok. I guess I'll see her tomorrow," Ethan replied turning to walk away. But when she grabbed his arm, he turned to see a pained look upon her face. "What? What is it Maggie?"

She took a deep breath. "Ethan, April's not coming back to the ED." Choi's face must have registered his confusion. "One of Dr. Latham's nurses is retiring and he needed someone to begin training right away. He thought with her experience and what she'd learned recently while covering for me in the hybrid OR, she'd be a good fit." Ethan just nodded and Maggie could see he thought this was about being with Crockett. "She thought it'd be a good way to learn and gain more experience, without the pressures of, ugh, " she stammered.

"What pressure? Me? Or Crockett?" It hurt she wanted to get away from him so bad, she transferred to another department, but it angered him that she lied. She did have feelings for Marcel! Why else would she go to HIS department?

Maggie could see the fanning anger in his eyes. "The pressure of seeing you, but not being with you. She thought it'd be better for you to do your job, without worrying about seeing her or her having to work with Crockett. You need to focus. So, she took herself out of the equation."

"Maggs, how's that gonna work? She's going to his department!" Ethan snapped back.

"Cool it," she stated emphatically. "First of all, she's going to be Dr. Latham's nurse, which means she only scrubs in on his surgeries. She'd only work with other docs in emergencies. Secondly, Goodwin forced Dr. Marcel to either take Dr. Rhodes job permanently, or go back to C/T- she needed to fill it to keep it. And he took it. Marcel is no longer assigned to C/T, so she won't be working with him- which is another reason why April took the position." Surprise shown all over his face. "April gave her notice today, but I'd been preparing once she told me she was planning to leave the ED, earlier this week. She begins training with them tonight."

Ethan couldn't feel the air in his lungs. She'd left to help him do his job… to make it easier for him. Now he felt bad for assuming she was leaving to be closer to Crockett. "Maggie, she didn't have to do that. I want her here. I work best with her here."

"Well, you need to find a new normal, because she's not planning to come back." Maggie could tell he was desponded by this revelation. "Hey," she replied gently touching his arm, "it's just the new normal for work. You can always create a different one outside of the hospital." And with a little smirk she turned and went back to her duties.

Maggie was right. Her transfer changed their work life, but Ethan was encouraged because it could give them the opportunity to change their personal lives as well… for the better. But before he could begin to live again, he needed to tell her about the past life that brought him to this point. Not just the good, but the bad, ugly, and regrettable too. However, knowing he doesn't express his feelings well, he opted to write her a letter.

"Here. A cup of green tea will give you just enough boost, without making it difficult for you to sleep this morning," the doctor suggested. April's first night in C/T was chocked full of yawns and nods. She was normally fine to cover a night shift in the ED, but she always had time to prepare. But today, when she would have been home resting for the later shift, she was camped out at a hostage scene waiting to see if Ethan would make it out alive. Even after she knew he was ok, memories of Ethan kept running through her mind, especially when he almost died. The hours put on wings today and just when she was ready to rest, she had to report to C/T.

"Thanks Connor, I need it," she responded taking the tea. "I'm so happy you're back. You know, though Dr. Latham is brilliant, he isn't the one to keep me focused when I'm sleepy. You kept me interested and engaged, and didn't let me make a terrible impression on my first day. So, Thanks." Her gratitude was genuine, despite her weak smile.

"No worries. I'm happy to have a familiar face around, though I'm sure Ethan and the ED are missing you a lot."

And with the mentioning of his name, winding down was no longer an option. "Well, I'm gonna go ahead and go. I'll see you tomorrow." Connor patted her shoulder hesitantly, as she left with a wave.

"See you tomorrow night."

He was surprised his key still worked, but it made him somewhat happy. Then again, he hadn't changed his locks either, but he'd gotten his key back. Ethan decided she must have forgotten he had a key, and once again his glee was dashed. As he shut the door, the doctor took in the room. Not much had changed. It wasn't as vivid in color as he remembered, but still exuded the vibrant light within her. Her space was still inviting and made you instantly feel at home, with pictures of family and friends all around. And that's when he saw it. The picture they took when they got engaged. She'd taken it out of the frame and based on the scissors beside it, he could imagine her intentions. Ethan placed his letter beside them on the island, exiting quickly, so she didn't find him when she got home. And as he shut the door, he let the smell of her lavender coconut lotion open his mind and heart to the morning of his new beginning, finally removing the needle of regret from his heart.

When she entered her apartment, April felt something was wrong- someone had been there. She thought she smelled Ethan's cologne, but dismissed it until she saw the letter. The doctor's handwriting was hard to miss. And considering he placed it beside the scissors, she could only imagine what he thought. However, the size of the envelope made her think he had a lot on his mind and much to say, so she decided to wait until after she took a shower and got some rest.

Six hours later, while feeding a growling stomach, April summoned the courage to open the letter and hear what Ethan had to say.
"April, I know we haven't spoken much lately, but after everything that happened yesterday, I refused to let more time go by without ensuring you knew how I felt. I wanted to tell you this face to face, but I was pulled away. And when I got back to Med, Maggie said you'd resigned, so this was my only option.

Today, when I heard the gun click, I regretted not telling you how I felt. It was then I remembered a promise I made to myself to not live with regrets, and I failed. Today, I'm keeping my word. The truth is I love you. I do. I love you more than I ever thought I could, and that scares me. But I won't let fear rule my life any more. I'm going to tell you everything, all the things you ask about and I shy away from… everything. And once I'm done, you'll have a decision to make. So, let's begin."